Wondering...advice appreciated

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FinallyPeace

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Wondering...advice appreciated
« on: May 18, 2016, 11:49:08 AM »
One of my siblings wigged out a few years ago (early menopause, depression, our parent's terminal illness/subsequent death).  Unfortunately, I was closest with her, so it hurts the most that when she cut off a bunch of people, I was one of them.  She has no explanation still and I've left her be.  Figured if she was trying to deal with her issues "her way," she's an adult and that is up to her.

Fast forward to now...she has gotten progressively "uglier" towards me (indirectly, since I don't talk to her anymore) and a few others. 

I don't get it...if you want to write off a bunch of your closest friends/family, then so be it.  Why bad mouth and talk nasty stuff about them NOW?  You don't want people in your business, so why are you inserting yourself into other people's business? :blink: :wacko: :stars:

Any insight? 
"Behind the smile, a hidden knife!"
― Ancient Chinese saying describing passive-aggressive behavior
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"Red flags aren't party favors.  Don't collect them."
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Bloomie

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Re: Wondering...advice appreciated
« Reply #1 on: May 18, 2016, 01:42:41 PM »
FinallyPeace - How painful. The first thing that came to my mind was that your sister's bad mouthing may be her way of handling Cognitive Dissonance.

From OOTF's info:
Quote
Uncomfortable Realities:

Cognitive Dissonance occurs whenever a person is confronted with information which conflicts with their own world view. For someone with a Personality Disorder, this includes evidence their actions have hurt others or have contradicted their stated morals.

So, your sister cut you off and when confronted with your respecting her decision and I'm sure your kind and supportive past treatment of her, she may feel the uncomfortable reality of having two conflicting thoughts - a tension she may be rectifying by bad mouthing and attempting to provoke bad behavior from you to rationalize her treatment of you.

Of course I am completely speculating here and the reason I immediately went to cognitive dissonance is from a personal experience that was similar and just as inexplicable to me. While understanding Cognitive Dissonance in myself and potentially in others as a catalyst for behaviors helped me, it didn't change the reality that this really hurts. I'm sorry this is happening with your sister.


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looloo

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Re: Wondering...advice appreciated
« Reply #2 on: May 18, 2016, 01:47:19 PM »
I'm speculating too -- as part of dealing with her "cognitive dissonance", she could be doing this to justify her decision to herself. 
“If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.”  Oscar Wilde.

"My actions are my true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand."  Thich Nhat Hanh

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FinallyPeace

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Re: Wondering...advice appreciated
« Reply #3 on: May 18, 2016, 01:53:27 PM »
Bloomie and Looloo!

THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH!  Your input really has helped me.  I'm going to look into it further with what you suggested.

I'm going to keep praying for her and if God wants to restore our relationship, He will.  Otherwise, I'm steering clear of her and her antics.  No thanks! :roll:
"Behind the smile, a hidden knife!"
― Ancient Chinese saying describing passive-aggressive behavior
*
"Red flags aren't party favors.  Don't collect them."
--Unknown

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guitarman

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Re: Wondering...advice appreciated
« Reply #4 on: May 19, 2016, 02:52:55 PM »
Hello FinallyPeace. My uBPD/uNPD sister behaves in a similar way. She accuses all her siblings and family of abusing her and yet keeps wanting to have contact with us all. I don't get it. If we are all so horrible and abusive why does she want anything to do with us all?

I've concluded that it's all about abandonment. It's the circle of abuse and abandonment. She abuses us, gets told to go away because her behaviour is so bad then when she makes contact again she wonders why people don't want much to do with her. Then she feels abandoned and starts abusing people for abandoning her. People ask her to go away etc... The circle continues.

She has no insight into what she is doing.

It took me a long time to understand and realise the pattern. I even drew a diagram of it in the shape of a circle plotting out all the behaviours and stages. Round and round the behaviour goes. It's been going on for years only she can stop it. A perpetual circle of abuse and abandonment.

In some weird way I think she likes the feeling of being abandoned and rejected.

I still don't understand what she gains from it all. Maybe an adrenaline rush? I don't know. It's the "I hate you, please don't leave me" scenario as well. I think that she is very scared and frightened. She's very lonely. At times a little lost girl. It's all so sad.

I hope this all makes sense?

Best wishes.
« Last Edit: May 19, 2016, 03:05:48 PM by guitarman »
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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FinallyPeace

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Re: Wondering...advice appreciated
« Reply #5 on: May 20, 2016, 12:38:50 PM »
Hello FinallyPeace. My uBPD/uNPD sister behaves in a similar way. She accuses all her siblings and family of abusing her and yet keeps wanting to have contact with us all. I don't get it. If we are all so horrible and abusive why does she want anything to do with us all?

I've concluded that it's all about abandonment. It's the circle of abuse and abandonment. She abuses us, gets told to go away because her behaviour is so bad then when she makes contact again she wonders why people don't want much to do with her. Then she feels abandoned and starts abusing people for abandoning her. People ask her to go away etc... The circle continues.

She has no insight into what she is doing.

It took me a long time to understand and realise the pattern. I even drew a diagram of it in the shape of a circle plotting out all the behaviours and stages. Round and round the behaviour goes. It's been going on for years only she can stop it. A perpetual circle of abuse and abandonment.

In some weird way I think she likes the feeling of being abandoned and rejected.

I still don't understand what she gains from it all. Maybe an adrenaline rush? I don't know. It's the "I hate you, please don't leave me" scenario as well. I think that she is very scared and frightened. She's very lonely. At times a little lost girl. It's all so sad.

I hope this all makes sense?

Best wishes.

It does.  Thank you!  :)
"Behind the smile, a hidden knife!"
― Ancient Chinese saying describing passive-aggressive behavior
*
"Red flags aren't party favors.  Don't collect them."
--Unknown

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alonenow

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Re: Wondering...advice appreciated
« Reply #6 on: May 20, 2016, 02:55:30 PM »
             In my experience my sibling loves an audience and would tell all sorts of tall tales about us or other topics ............ her biggest fears were realized when audiences of  her " different shows" met then compared the "best of X " stories it was absolutely hilarious.
My children got jobs at the same place she was eventually fired from for stealing. It was my kids first teen age jobs and I felt they must be butt of jokes of snide remarks because their Aunts behavior.  Thank heavens most were GREAT people who soon realized that they had been fed BS for years from her.  I once sat down and listened to the best of X stories with my DD co-workers . Many were about me and my FOC that were easily  proven as lies.   
She told them I had a leg amputated because a workplace accident and was bitter because I did not get a good settlement and that is why I did not talk to her.  Seriously that did not even make sense...
I used to get friend request after friend request from her. I also have heard from others as to her long sad "why won't my family talk to me stories posted on FB"   Again she forgot that she was "friends" with her past co-workers who find it funny now to share her BS with my DD who still works there.

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FinallyPeace

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Re: Wondering...advice appreciated
« Reply #7 on: May 20, 2016, 05:57:34 PM »
             In my experience my sibling loves an audience and would tell all sorts of tall tales about us or other topics ............ her biggest fears were realized when audiences of  her " different shows" met then compared the "best of X " stories it was absolutely hilarious.
My children got jobs at the same place she was eventually fired from for stealing. It was my kids first teen age jobs and I felt they must be butt of jokes of snide remarks because their Aunts behavior.  Thank heavens most were GREAT people who soon realized that they had been fed BS for years from her.  I once sat down and listened to the best of X stories with my DD co-workers . Many were about me and my FOC that were easily  proven as lies.   
She told them I had a leg amputated because a workplace accident and was bitter because I did not get a good settlement and that is why I did not talk to her.  Seriously that did not even make sense...
I used to get friend request after friend request from her. I also have heard from others as to her long sad "why won't my family talk to me stories posted on FB"   Again she forgot that she was "friends" with her past co-workers who find it funny now to share her BS with my DD who still works there.

Goodness!   :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh:
"Behind the smile, a hidden knife!"
― Ancient Chinese saying describing passive-aggressive behavior
*
"Red flags aren't party favors.  Don't collect them."
--Unknown

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Bloomie

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Re: Wondering...advice appreciated
« Reply #8 on: May 20, 2016, 09:30:04 PM »
Quote from: alonenow
She told them I had a leg amputated because a workplace accident and was bitter because I did not get a good settlement and that is why I did not talk to her.
Oh my!!!

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alonenow

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Re: Wondering...advice appreciated
« Reply #9 on: May 21, 2016, 12:26:13 AM »
it was kind of a surprise when they told me this  it was a day when I walked in to the place wearing shorts. 
I can laugh now but seriously I could not fathom where she got some of her over the top stories she told.

I just found it totally insane knowing that I shopped at that place and somehow those WHOPPERS would be revealed as complete BS.