Meet the new SG child

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Sunny

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Meet the new SG child
« on: May 18, 2016, 07:57:31 PM »
Hi friends, while going through he$$ since Jan (dad's terminal illness, in-home traumatic death, followed by "Executrix" maddness, NOT TO MENTION an on-going covert N custody battle and continued abuse...well let's just say I was showing some signs of wear and tear.

I put together and had granted a TRO against my stbexh for his verbal abuse and intimidation. Then I kept it quiet for 2 weeks and told noone (hadn't been served yet)...it was at this time, just after Mother's Day, when I had a lovely outing with 2 sis and SIL, at which point one sis wanted to have a "talk" with me the next day.

Ohhh noooo it was not your usual friendly banter! She started by slamming me for not having enough "deep and lasting" friendships. Ha!! I'm 50 and I have PLENTY that go back 30+ years. BS!! Then she moved on to how "stressed" and "negative" I was lately.  HUH?? We were all grieving!! And then fighting over thousands of dollars and selling various properties, and being told lies about where certain sentimental items of my dads had gone....the last straw was when she started to question my mental health and suggested I "see somebody!!"

I thought it over, and 2 days later wrote her a terse email saying if I needed her advice I would ask for it, and I had plenty of friends and "support".

Why are the people who most fervently beg you to get support, the least supportive??

I now realize that because I showed anger about the trashing of my parents' estate, expressed doubts in the executrix, and at the same time was violating family norms by getting divorced and not playing along with stbexh's manipulations, I was being re-cast from GC to SG!! Fall from grace. Anyone who can relate?? Thx for reading, Sunny

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guitarman

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Re: Meet the new SG child
« Reply #1 on: May 18, 2016, 09:48:09 PM »
Hello Sunny. What a terrible and stressful time you've had.

I have a uBPD/uNPD sister and my behaviour has changed towards her with a lot of help and counselling. I have become more assertive and try and talk more about my feelings which of course my sister doesn't like. She thinks the world is all about her and no one else has feelings and we are all supposed to take her extreme abuse without question and do whatever she wants because she becomes suicidal if we don't comply.

She can be so abusive and then soon afterwards act as if nothing has happened. I don't know if she forgets how she's been behaving. She wonders why others don't want much to do with her after she's shouted and screamed at them. She gets left out of family events or people don't contact her which she calls abuse!

She then tries to justify their behaviour towards her and concludes that they must have a mental health issue and so needs help. So you aren't alone. She is just so blind to her own behaviour and the impact it has on others.

I hope you can have some happiness and calmness in your life soon, you deserve it after all you've been through. You are a lovely, kind person.

Best wishes.





"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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FinallyPeace

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Re: Meet the new SG child
« Reply #2 on: May 19, 2016, 10:29:54 AM »
Defnitely projection.

Sorry.   :-[
"Behind the smile, a hidden knife!"
― Ancient Chinese saying describing passive-aggressive behavior
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daughter

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Re: Meet the new SG child
« Reply #3 on: May 19, 2016, 11:11:32 AM »
In my experience, preemptive "verbal attacks" often serve to distract from attacker's own bad behavior and malevolent acts, a form of "projection". By complaining, reprimanding, and/or criticizing their target-victim, by describing them as so-called "bad person", they deflect responsibility and accountability for their own bad behavior and malevolent acts.  My NBM's "attacks" often coincided with her furtive malevolent action already taken.  NBM would intentionally deflect her perceived responsibility for her "offenses" to "blame target-victim".  So often her "attack" had both the covert element (the prior bad act) as well as the overt element (the verbal "attack").  NBM would justify her bad behavior, by projecting that furtive behavior on her target, to label her target "guilty" of that behavior, and so "self-justify" her own offense-intended prior action. 

As an example similar to your own experience, when my maternal grandfather died, my SG aunt was executor of estate. NBM deliberately failed to identify joint-savings accounts she held w/grandfather, while furiously "attacking" my aunt, her SG sister, for "hiding money" and "stealing from estate".  NBM was attempting to self-justify her own nefarious acts.  Likewise, I was NBM's primary SG target.  When NBM would suddenly "attack" me, inevitably an episode of blatant favoritism towards nsis proceeded attack, or another NBM effort to furtively "hurt" me.  In regards to my grandfather's estate, NBM insisted that I get "last pick" of household items, after NBM's and nsis' picks, allowing me to "pick" literally an hour before house-sale,  My aunt encouraged me to "take as much as I wanted" (and household items had little cash-value, no antiques or jewelry).  NBM followed me around house, so when I'd pick an item, often pick item for herself.  I received handful of  items, then NBM accusing me of "robbing house", ordering me to "give-back" half to her "because you're such a greedy person, people complaining you're a thief".  Me a thief, a greedy person?  Taking some dish towels, a vase, a chair, some photos, and an area rug as "last-pick"?  Meek me, I "gave back" items, still the "good girl/dutiful daughter".  (I'm now NC, but took until my mid-50s to have courage to do so.)

What do I think motivated my NBM's malevolence towards me?  Projection, her pd-disordered combined narcissistic and borderline personality (enabled and enforced by NF), her unrelenting need to bolster and blatantly favor my nsis (her "mini-me"), and yes, JEALOUSY.  From my teen years onward, I realized much of my NBM's malice towards me appeared to be jealousy and envy, and therefore her need to impede my opportunities, "to trim my wings", to always criticize me and my (outstanding young women) friends, to keep me "close to home and doing for her".  NBM made sure I wouldn't/couldn't outshine nsis.  Likewise with my nsis, who was fashioned after NBM, always monitoring me, criticizing me, copying me.  Consider whether your own sister feels envy and jealousy towards you, whether she needs to "put you in your place" to feel better about herself, and to justify her petty thieving in your father's home and whatever other chicanery that's occurred.       
« Last Edit: May 19, 2016, 11:34:22 AM by daughter »

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Summer Sun

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Re: Meet the new SG child
« Reply #4 on: May 19, 2016, 11:27:21 AM »
Yes, projection and putting you down to self elevate,  is she jealous perhaps that she was not chosen as Executrix?

I would have asked her what qualifacations she had, and thanked her for her time as tell her that you would seek grief and stress support from your friends.  No, that would just feed her. 

I'm sorry for all your suffering, I can so relate to your post.

SS
"The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference" - Elie Wiesel

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SpringLight

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Re: Meet the new SG child
« Reply #5 on: May 19, 2016, 07:51:56 PM »
Hi friends, while going through he$$ since Jan (dad's terminal illness, in-home traumatic death, followed by "Executrix" maddness, NOT TO MENTION an on-going covert N custody battle and continued abuse...well let's just say I was showing some signs of wear and tear.

I put together and had granted a TRO against my stbexh for his verbal abuse and intimidation. Then I kept it quiet for 2 weeks and told noone (hadn't been served yet)...it was at this time, just after Mother's Day, when I had a lovely outing with 2 sis and SIL, at which point one sis wanted to have a "talk" with me the next day.

Ohhh noooo it was not your usual friendly banter! She started by slamming me for not having enough "deep and lasting" friendships. Ha!! I'm 50 and I have PLENTY that go back 30+ years. BS!! Then she moved on to how "stressed" and "negative" I was lately.  HUH?? We were all grieving!! And then fighting over thousands of dollars and selling various properties, and being told lies about where certain sentimental items of my dads had gone....the last straw was when she started to question my mental health and suggested I "see somebody!!"

I thought it over, and 2 days later wrote her a terse email saying if I needed her advice I would ask for it, and I had plenty of friends and "support".

Why are the people who most fervently beg you to get support, the least supportive??

I now realize that because I showed anger about the trashing of my parents' estate, expressed doubts in the executrix, and at the same time was violating family norms by getting divorced and not playing along with stbexh's manipulations, I was being re-cast from GC to SG!! Fall from grace. Anyone who can relate?? Thx for reading, Sunny


Sunny:

You're the "new" SG child. Nice to meet you. I'm the OLD SG child.  May I shake your hand..while shake my head in disbelief, once again at the similarities in my life and those of OOF members.

This part I could have written verbatim:

The last straw was when she started to question my mental health and suggested I "see somebody!!"

I thought it over, and 2 days later wrote her a terse email saying if I needed her advice I would ask for it, and I had plenty of friends and "support".

Why are the people who most fervently beg you to get support, the least supportive??



Yes, I've been the recipient of that (cough!) deeply felt "concern."  :roll:
Pure projection. AND...really done to get a reaction from you, imo, because as you wrote these people are THE LEAST SUPPORTIVE PEOPLE IMAGINABLE!

Also, the attention paid to YOU causes them to DISTRACT THEMSELVES FROM THEIR OWN PROBLEMS and focus and highlight any and all of your perceived "shortcomings."

I once was cornered by someone in a social setting who was normally not particularly talkative. But this person went on and on, in a bizarrely pressured way, which reminded me of someone I know with bipolar disorder (pressured speech, nonstop talking AT someone). She began lecturing me about how I "needed to remarry." She really knew nothing about me, nothing about my divorce, years earlier.

The fact is that I was happy as a single woman. This didn't matter. She painted a sorry picture of the life I would face as a divorcee, in the future, all alone in my golden years. This went on and on. How I regret I did not cut it off sooner!  I tolerated it for a while, but the onslaught made me  steadily more furious. Particularly because I could not interrupt her in the particular setting I found myself. She would not listen to a word I said about my ACTUAL feelings.

Within days, I found out her husband had cheated on her and a nasty divorce followed!  It seems she knew all about her husband's indiscretions prior to her delivering this lecture to me on how I really HAD TO FIND A MAN! AND GET MARRIED! LIKE HER?!?

I absolutely love this quote of yours.  I may have to needlepoint  these words on a pillow to remind myself.

Why are the people who most fervently beg you to get support, the least supportive??

Of course, my PD sis would argue: "WHAT?! I am constantly offering you support." Yeah. Support = listening to her and doing whatever it is, her way, and being forever grateful to her, no matter how UNhelpful or WRONG the support is."

This is the same sis who, in the past would seek my advice about a myriad of HER personal problems. She has actually thanked me in the past for being her sis- "therapist." :aaauuugh:  Simply because I listen A LOT. And I took time to ponder her problems, with kindness, respect and loyalty.

Come to think of it, since going MC  I haven't heard her refer to me as her therapist in quite a while. I guess that is a sign of progress! I don't feel obliged to  provide that personalized 24/7 availability to drop everything and listen/help her.  And in recent times, she doesn't ask.

Well, recently she insisted I help her solve her phone problem, without any consideration about whether this was a good time for me. (It wasn't and I helped as much as I could, but realized I didn't know much about the technical issue.) She ranted on and on and lectured me about being selfish and very angrily and loudly insinuating I was withholding my help. This is after 20 minutes of time, calmly, putting aside my needs, trying to problem-solve. With her steadily increasing frustration (N.B. It wasn't a vital/critical phone problem.) 

Putting my own stuff on hold. I reacted to her first request with the knee-jerk helping sis routine, because, I confess, historically I have been very afraid of her angry rages.

But it would never occur to her to reciprocate with simple listening when I talk. Even when I talk about the blandest of subjects, like the weather for 30 seconds. (I have learned to say NOTHING of consequence to her.)

Once again, that quote above is dead-on!  Thanks for the insight.
« Last Edit: May 19, 2016, 07:54:56 PM by SpringLight »

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Sunny

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Re: Meet the new SG child
« Reply #6 on: May 19, 2016, 11:54:14 PM »
Thank you, everyone, for such great insights. Sorry guitarman that you have suffered with a PDsis for so long, it is painful when the traits emerge! And to finallypeace and daughter, I do feel that projection is at work. It is also hard for this sis to take a back seat to Executrix; honestly she can have the job!! And SpringLight, so glad you liked my phraseology. Every little bit counts as we muddle through...hugs all, Sunny