I just can't be nice, it's so hard!

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AmericanWoman

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I just can't be nice, it's so hard!
« on: May 19, 2016, 06:35:05 PM »

I know God is tired of listening to my repeating the same addendum to each of my prayers to be able to forgive and be nice to her.  I am fighting myself and doing pretty good with NC, I live in a MIL suite attached to the home we both own (she's either BPD or NPD, insane symptoms of both) because of course she gets what she wants and put me in the corner room until she wants to bully/antagonize/manipulate then request my attendance or if she want's something done.  3 weeks ago I put up borders.

1, she has no idea why I put up borders but I've been getting the silent treatment (a good thing I've learned) after I didn't answer the request to visit her in her part of the home for her daily dumping of hateful spewing of how terrible I am, how my now dead brother never loved me and she doesn't either...bla, bla, bla
Am I required to inform her how I see her different now that I realize how she is and all the harm she has caused in my life...knowing good and well it won't make any difference and she will never get it?

I HAVE to invite her to my wedding this fall so my future in-laws won't think I'm evil, any suggestions on this as how to handle it in a Christian way I'd love to know.  This will be a very small family wedding and if it wasn't for his family I would choose to elope just to not have to deal with her.  I did pick to get married over 1,100 miles away to where we are moving in hopes that if it's not at her home she will lose some of her "power" to inflict pain and guilt on me. 

I'm going crazy, since Daddy died a year ago she has gotten so much worse and now that I'm leaving she has upped the meanness.  Btw, she knows I'm sick with lyme and fibromyalgia and uses my weakest times to bully.  I know God uses things to use us later, but gee...I sure do wish this would stop.  :flat:

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TrueToMyself

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Re: I just can't be nice, it's so hard!
« Reply #1 on: May 19, 2016, 08:41:49 PM »
...Am I required to inform her how I see her different now that I realize how she is and all the harm she has caused in my life...knowing good and well it won't make any difference and she will never get it?

No, you aren't required to inform her of anything.  Because as you say, it won't make any difference and she won't get it.

You're in a tough situation.  It could very well be a long, long summer.  My advice would be to pick your battles.  Let a lot of stuff go, for your own sanity.  I would try to stay gone as much as possible.  Excuses, excuses, excuses.  Stay focused on the end prize-- your freedom.   Take care, TTM

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Bloomie

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Re: I just can't be nice, it's so hard!
« Reply #2 on: May 19, 2016, 08:46:55 PM »
AmericanWoman - I have to say you are in a really tough spot! Living sitch and upcoming wedding. Something that has helped me is to shift my thinking a bit and remind myself I don't have to be "good" in any person's eyes. Because with some people - at least my uBPD/NPDmom "good" was a moving target.

But, I do have to be true to my own core values and beliefs and act from that place as I interact with anyone in my life, and in particular with any PD family members.

For me, this helps me to not feel so resentful (not saying you feel resentful, but that I do at times) because I make tough choices and certain kinds of sacrifices for me and that line up with my beliefs. Then I don't feel choiceless or stuck because I am not stuck I am just living a congruent, mature, healthy life that sometimes involves compromise and flexibility and healthy boundary making skills.

I have learned I don't have to inform anyone how I see them and as you say you don't believe it would make a difference anyhow. I simply have learned to fully own and inhabit my own life and resources and if someone is behaving in hurtful ways consistently and I have just a few more months before I am free of the everyday contact I can choose to avoid if it suits me to do so.
"If you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer. If you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow." Dr. Caroline Leaf

Bloomie 🌸

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AmericanWoman

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Re: I just can't be nice, it's so hard!
« Reply #3 on: May 19, 2016, 09:57:56 PM »

Thank you both for your response, it's nice to have people that understand what it's like to live in crazyville. 

I'd love to get out, live within walking distance to the Atlantic ocean...yup, it sure would be nice.  Back when I got sick the doctor put me on heavy antibiotics I got sicker and now heat is intolerable.  Have fallen in the shower a couple of times.  Honestly, I don't want pity.  4 years ago I was a young fifty something jogger on the beach but then got so sick with what is thought to be chronic lyme disease.  I busted my knee falling and it's torn up according to the MRI, so much for long walks on the beach with the dog right?!   Everything has come down at once and I know there is light at the end.  Did hear from my Finance a few hours ago that it would be a little longer, probably middle of July before I can escape due to the nature of his job right now but it will not always be this way. 

This 24' X 24' studio is my jail.  The curtains stay shut because I have caught her more than once actually "peeking" and bobbing like a baby bird looking into the windows so all three have to remain shut so my view is not of outside but of 4 walls and what was in my 3br home crammed in here with me, 2 cats and a large dog - she really is seeing that my life is pure hell in addition to the fever/chills and overall fatigue I already have (on disability from this mess and she knows it and willingly takes my money like I'm a reject renter not half owner of this beach home).  Yes rather embarrassing.  About twice a month I get to grocery shop, was odd today that she showed up right behind me at the pharmacy counter (curiosity is killing her) then it was even odder that she checked out before me...but didn't leave until after I did and showed up at the next place I was about to break her neck looking at whatever I was doing.

She has threatened to make my life hell with her will and is already trying to take my interest in the home with her sister from the west that fell off the broom with her.  BTW, her sister is 110% NPD that hasn't seen her daughter for over 25 years...now I understand and wish my cousin had shared, would have saved me about 30 years of hell.

Thanks for letting me rant.  I do realize that there are people in the world a lot worse off, hard to turn on TV anymore - not just the poor programing but I'm talking about the Christians in the 3rd world countries and what they are going through - they get my prayers first.

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TrueToMyself

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Re: I just can't be nice, it's so hard!
« Reply #4 on: May 19, 2016, 11:30:18 PM »
AmericanWoman,

You have my prayers.  I think you have a very positive outlook on life. 

Middle of July is just a stone's throw away.  Hang in there!  The end is in sight, and you have the company of loving pets and your fiancée to see you through this.  Count your blessings and continue to take care of yourself.  TTM

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hhaw

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Re: I just can't be nice, it's so hard!
« Reply #5 on: May 19, 2016, 11:54:02 PM »
AmericanWoman:

When I picture you tucked into that small space, with your kitties and dog, I want to picture you tucked into a safe little nest with friends.

I know your mother's little bird head popping up in the window must be disconcerting..... it's a temporary situation.  You're moving away soon.  You'll be free of her soon.

I wish for you to draw an imaginary bubble around yourself.  To put a barricade between you and your mother that she can't penetrate, no matter what.

The stress you're experiencing likely makes your symptoms worse..... you have a wedding to plan... a joyous occasion that will be happier for you if you're health improves. 

I wish you the ability to feel safer, happier, buffered from your mother in the final months you have to be near her.

As for the wedding..... I've seen other posters put someone in charge of babysitting trouble making PDs at their wedding.

Frankly...... maybe just letting her do what she does at the wedding will make it clear to your new family WHY you want/need to limit contact/go nc, which seems likely.

In any case, congratulations, and I wish you a sturdy knee brace so that walks next to the Atlantic with your dog pal can be a part of your healing journey.

Good luck,
hhaw
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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AmericanWoman

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Re: I just can't be nice, it's so hard!
« Reply #6 on: May 22, 2016, 07:44:47 PM »
Thanks, good idea on the babysitter.  I have one I think, don't think she (Mom) would come that far by herself and my SIL may come with her but it's all iffy.  SIL is well aware of the mother situation since Mom was a weird grandmother to my brother and her children, ignored them (2 girls) pretty much and doesn't have much to do with their children either.   My brother passed in '09, that is why he is not involved in this.  Sometimes I vision him in heaven laughing at me saying "I told you she was crazy", now you are her project.  Growing up we use to love it when the other one was her project, meant that the non-project child got to be a kid for a little while.

We can't set a date yet because we don't have a home yet where we are moving.  Hopefully by the middle of next week things will be more concrete.