hubbies and iare putting up his cousin and i am struggling big time

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littlemisssunshine

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I don't know what is wrong with me but clearly something is not quite right, i hate hate sharing my space . We live in a small house and husband has his female cousin staying with us for more than a couple of nights she is ok but she likes to drink which I hate and she has a smelly liquid cigarette that she smokes in my house, i dont know if this is related to my npd mum and enabler father and being controlled my whole life, but I aposolutley hate this. I know you are all going to think I am horrid and on paper I look it but I hate feeling like this.

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guitarman

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Hello littlemisssunshine.

Sorry to hear that you are so troubled by your visitor. I don't think that you are being at all unreasonable about what you wrote. It's your home.

I have a uBPD/uNPD sister and it feels like I have been controlled by her all my life and I find it difficult to express my own opinions but I'm getting better at it. You have the right to your own feelings and opinions and to express them in a calm way. Perhaps you can learn to be more assertive.

As you say this situation has brought up memories of your parents situation and how you felt being around them.

It's quite all right for you to ask your visitor not to smoke or drink in your house as you don't like it. Perhaps she doesn't know how you feel about it and thought it was OK. Your house your rules. Maybe that is something that both you and your husband could have explained to your visitor before they arrived. He needs to support you more in what you want.

You don't have to JADE justify, argue, defend or explain. I'm learning not to do that with my sister but it can be difficult because of the way that she may react and behave.

If your visitor doesn't like your rules that's their problem not yours.

I hope you can work all this out with your husband. It would be good if he was on your side.

Best wishes.

"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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kiwihelen

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Not horrid at all. It's OK to ask smokers to do it outside even with e-cigarettes. Also OK to have rules about alcohol.
Is she paying rent and/or contributing to food and doing tasks like cooking, washing, cleaning bathrooms or vacuuming? My SOs adult daughter is visiting next week and we will expect contributions in terms of buying food and doing dishes. She also can't bring back a boyfriend to the house as she's using a room also used by her younger sister when she visits. If/when we have more space then long term boyfriends will be different.

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littlemisssunshine

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Thanks guys, i struggle with relationships so much, i love my house and feel like it is my sanctuary, so I gate sharing this tiny space, my husband didn't ask her how long she is staying and can't understand why I feel so upset by this, she is sleeping on a put me up in my front room so I feel like I can't just get on with living in my house and doing cleaning,  laundry etc. .

 I know I am being irrational and can feel myself detaching from my husband and her because I just don't want to engage, she especially when drunk is very it's all about me and would happily cause an argument about how her feelings are everything and how the family are so mean to her, i have spoken to his family and other cousins and they don't like her they say she is arrogant,  selfish and rude.

Husband and i work really hard to pay a mortgage on this place and because he is very quite and non confrontational it feels like some members of his family take the p, we have been  helping support our nephews for years because his sister is so irresponsible with money,  i feel exhausted with the lot of them and it's not like i can go to my npd mother or enabler father as they have more or less cut me off.

Sorry for ranting, i just needed to get it out

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Hikercymru

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Keep on ranting. I can totally understand how you feel, especially when you don't know how long she is staying. That would drive me nuts!!!
Your husband is probably quite puzzled as to why you are unable to cope.
Could you talk to him openly? I realise that this is probably difficult, as she is part of his family, but hey, you are a married 'team'. Then, maybe you could make a plan how to enforce some rules, and make the visit a little less pleasant for her.
Wishing you a speedy departure.......
H

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Liftedfog

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Lms, you don't need to feel bad about not wanting to share your space with this person.  And I bet it weoulkdnt be such an issue if she was a nicer house guest AND if you knew exactly when she is leaving. So don't think oif yourself as asking too much. You want what is reasonable becasuyse it is your home.  Maybe you need to have a chat with hubby first about your feelings.  He may be feeling same way. I mean who would be okay with having their house fumigated with cigarette vapours????   She needs boundariues and house rules she needs to follow to be welcome as a guest.   In life it seems we are constantly protecting, ourselves, our children, and yes, even our homes from unwanted pests.

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HotCocoa

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You aren't unreasonable.  She is and the situation your husband put you in.  Its time to ask her to leave.  It may be your husband's cousin, but its your house too.  Its not working, time to get her moving somewhere else.  It is no longer your job to put a roof over her head while she drinks and smokes it up in your home.  I think a hard conversation with your husband is in order as to your intentions so he is not blindsided, then ask him to tell her to leave, or you will.  Don't worry about being the bad guy.  Time for that houseguest to leave.  You have been MORE than reasonable with this situation imo.
The smarter you become about narcissistic abuse, the crazier the narcissist will say you are.

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guitarman

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Hello littlemisssunshine. Your visitor sounds like my uBPD/uNPD sister. She invites herself to stay over. She sleeps on a sofa. I deliberately didn't get a sofa bed otherwise she would get too comfortable and want to stay more than one night.

It would be good if you knew how long she was going to stay. It's up to you to decide, not her. It's your house.

You should get on with what you have to do with your household chores. She'll soon get fed up and leave hopefully. Don't change your routine for her, she has to fit into yours.

I'll have to think of my sister as an "unwanted pest" I like that. My sister too has been very irresponsible with money and the rest of the family all have helped her now adult children.

I hope your situation is resolved soon and your pest leaves.

Best wishes.

"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author