How is this any of her effing business???

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KittyKat

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How is this any of her effing business???
« on: May 25, 2016, 02:44:32 AM »
So ... I've been V VLC with my NM for about 3 years. 3 yrs NC with my NB. 20 yrs w/NCousin, who we grew up with as siblings. Her sister, I've been VLC with for years, we only have acknowledged each other on our birthdays.

In December, her mom, my aunt, who raised me at least 50% of the time, passed. I called her to give my condolences. It took her less than 15 seconds to start berating me for being NC with my mom. I handled it well. I told her I was calling with condolences and I would not let her use her mom's death to berate me. I told her I was hanging up and I did.

A couple of months ago, my cousin emailed me a nasty email telling me my mom was ill (I was told my my dad's sister that she needed to go on dialysis.) At the time, I did nothing. I was not surprised that my mom used my aunt as a flying monkey, and my cousin fell into line, as much for her own enjoyment of bullying me as was any communication she had with my mom.

Fast forward to today. She sends me a scathing email telling me that she flew to visit my mom, who broke her hip, and will be having surgery on Friday. This was a no holds barred email. "You should be ashamed of yourself not talking to this wonderful frail old woman." "Your husband should be ashamed of himself, she's treated him so well." "When your mom dies, I will NEVER CALL TO GIVE YOU CONDOLENCES." (As if I care if she ever calls me with condolences. It's so myopic, it's stupefying.)

How is this any of her effing business??? When my aunt died, if she hadn't berated me, I might have considered contacting my mom. But she has put on the full court press of bullying, nothing has changed. Do people like that even expect that anything they say will be received, or do you think it's more like barfing for them?

I feel bad about my mom's medical condition. I really do. But I spent 35 years trying to set up ways to help her in her old age, and she spent 35 years making sure I knew she was going to make it as difficult as possible. Now that I've had enough, and I'm not there for her at all, she just can't figure it out. I spent years trying to have a relationship with her. I've told her what it would take (talking to me, and her getting into therapy) to have a relationship with me. Yet, I keep hearing the whiney phrase, "I just don't know what I've done."

In a million years, I can't imagine or envision the scenario which would include me going up there now, contacting her now, in the midst of a full-court press of abuse and bullying.

I have been keeping VLC just so I could know the most dire things that go on with her. Clearly, that is going to end. I have not responded to her email. It's like they've now created an alliance against me and are going to do anything and everything to make my life as miserable as possible. As my husband said, "I think that no matter how bad you think it could get, it's going to be so much worse."

And with my overt, sociopathic, bullying, psychotic cousins now involved, I believe he's right. When it was mostly just my mom and my brother, it was everyone staying out of everyone's way. But my cousins always have found a special joy in bullying me, abusing me, and going out of their way to make my life as miserable as possible for their sheer enjoyment.

I'm fairly certain, at this point, she will have talked my mom into taking me completely out of the will and whatever else they can think of. But I just keep coming back to, 'how is this any of her effing business?' I'm go god-damned tired. I feel like this saga is just never going to end. I deserve better. Thanks for letting me vent. Any words of encouragement that I am doing the right thing would be really appreciated.

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biggerfish

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Re: How is this any of her effing business???
« Reply #1 on: May 25, 2016, 03:11:11 AM »
No question about it. You are doing the right thing. Stay the course. Keep taking care of you and yours, and that's it. You seem to be coming from a place of good solid mental health. Don't change a thing.    :bighug:

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Salsera

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Re: How is this any of her effing business???
« Reply #2 on: May 26, 2016, 01:27:20 AM »
Ugh. Personally, I just stay the f away from all of them. For my own mental health.
"Faith is taking the first step even when you donít see the whole staircase." - Martin Luther King, Jr.
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

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Scout

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Re: How is this any of her effing business???
« Reply #3 on: May 26, 2016, 06:11:25 AM »
I would be doing exactly the same, KittyKat.  They sound like misery and chaos.   

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LeeJane

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Re: How is this any of her effing business???
« Reply #4 on: May 26, 2016, 06:22:17 AM »
Oh dear, what horrible behaviour.  Protect yourself by staying well clear.  All I see from them is severe mental illness.

Glad you are expressing yourself here.

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Inurdreams

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Re: How is this any of her effing business???
« Reply #5 on: May 26, 2016, 11:29:07 AM »
So sorry you are having to deal with this. 

It seems there is always at least one person in every family that becomes the self-appointed "hero" who insists that the"family" is theirs to run how they please and everyone must follow their rules even and especially when it's none of their business.

I agree, you are doing well staying clear of this person.
Peek not through the keyhole lest ye be vexed. - Stephen King


Response to a Flying Monkey:  Apparently you are suffering under the delusion that I give a damn.

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Bloomie

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Re: How is this any of her effing business???
« Reply #6 on: May 26, 2016, 01:32:51 PM »
KittyKat - This emotional barfing up on you - such a perfect description - is ungrounded and unjust and you wisely see that. No one has lived your life and had the experiences you have had in your FOO. Who knows what your cousin is thinking/seeing, but you have done the right thing by and for yourself to step away from unrepentant, abusive, bullying people. I'm glad you share with us and hope it helps to know you are not alone! :hug:

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bopper

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Re: How is this any of her effing business???
« Reply #7 on: May 27, 2016, 04:51:03 PM »
Use your email filters to automatically route her emails to a special folder or to junk
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.

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Brigid O.

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Re: How is this any of her effing business???
« Reply #8 on: May 27, 2016, 11:26:50 PM »
Kittykat:  I am sorry you have to go through this.  It is so oppressive and hurtful to think of all the ill feelings coming at you from so many people.

It is UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR to chew someone out and berate them by email.  I really  mean that, it is the lowest of the low behavior because there is no room for give and take, for expression of caring, for trying to work things out.  It's just a wholesale dumping of meanness on you.  Look, if they wanted to be decent, they could say, "could you please contact your poor ailing mother for my sake, etc.?"  No, they want to hurt you.

My family does NOT have my email address.  They cannot communicate with me by email because I will not take the risk of that kind of communication you endured.  I agree with Bopper--change your email filters so you can't read their emails.  Or change your email completely.  Or fake a "system failure" response email when they try to reach you again.


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sandpiper

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Re: How is this any of her effing business???
« Reply #9 on: June 13, 2016, 04:23:31 AM »
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
It is that unhealthy victim/rescuer/martyr dynamic that dysfunctional families see to cycle through.
I guess my T would say 'What is the pay off for this behaviour?' and to that I see two answers. One, the crusading cousins get to grandstand, which makes them feel good about themselves. Two, perhaps they are angling to get you out of the will and to take your place. That's an emotional incentive and a financial incentive. Add to that, their mother is gone & siblings are often cut from the same cloth - was your aunt really all that different from your mother? If she's raised such dysfunctional, boundaryless, invasive children, then possibly not. It's entirely possible that your mother has been able to dupe them into thinking that she is a much better mother than their own mother was, and they've just been suckered into playing along with her games.
I guess the other thing that seems to be a recurring point at these boards is that PDs do not deal well in times of life-transition & crisis.
With the lack of mature coping skills, a PD & the children infested with fleas will take every single life challenge & conflate it with confected drama, because this helps to distract them from the mess inside their own heads.
Don't play along.
I admire your choice to step back out of the ring.
The line that I have taken with interfering friends & relatives is 'My relationship with X is between me & X. So I am not going to discuss this with you.' End of conversation.
If it's nasty emails, though, odds are that you've got the passive aggressive type who sit down with a bottle of scotch & give vent to their feelings in the safety of their living rooms.
Make sure it goes to a junk file so that you don't even have to look at them - but if you do need to deal with any vitriol later, you've got evidence, if you do need to get a restraining order to make it stop.

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moglow

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Re: How is this any of her effing business???
« Reply #10 on: June 13, 2016, 03:45:07 PM »
I hate that you're having to deal with this. Been there myself with a couple of flying monkey cousins who leap to mother's defense (all the rest saw through the family elders and their PD ugliness years ago). We were friends on fb for a while, then mother cranked up a whole lot of passive aggresive nastiness based on things that had been repeated to her (mother is not internet friendly, thank goodness!).  Anyway, I planted a couple of random stories, mother pounced on them with a day and I knew exactly where it came from. Blocked them then she got REALLY nasty about the way I treated them. I'd not actually seen or spoken with these cousins in years, so no big loss regardless. Mother has since supposedly made this cousin executor of her will - that's cool, she can deal with what is sure to be a snarled up mess when mother passes.

Anyhoo, really, you don't have to communicate with the bike cousins at all ever. You can quietly block ther emails and cell phones without another word, and if your mother chooses to contact you it's on her. What they're relaying to you may or may not be the truth, and short of a phone call from a hospital I'm not sure I'd buy it. Even then, your mother is getting the care she needs and I'm not sure what the expectations might be.

"Expectations are disappointments under construction.Ē  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!