Does she have no dignity?

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Mapleleaf14

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Does she have no dignity?
« on: May 25, 2016, 02:17:10 PM »
It's been about 10 months since I went NC and left the family business. I still live in the same neighborhood as my PD relatives. When I was still working in the family business, my BPD aunt would ask a friend who is a very nice guy "how is Mapleleaf?" and "did Mapleleaf get a new job yet?"  He would answer because he's a very honest and naive person. Covert manipulation at its best. It always seemed to me that she preyed on nice and honest people to get her info from.

I haven't heard very much over the last 10 months but I have seen her and her NPD husband out a few times. They accosted my DH at the mall and tried to talk to him but thankfully, he was already going up and escalator and escaped narrowly. She also managed to track me down at the mall but I kept on walking. I have also seen her driving around the neighborhood and at a restaurant once. She gives me the shark eye BPD look of disdain each time. You know the one I'm talking about.  :bigwink:

Well a few days ago, she "ran into" my brother in law (probably more like tracked him down once she saw him) who is also a very nice and naive guy. She asked him "how is Mapleleaf?" He said something along the lines of she is doing well, she and her DH got a new dog. Then she asked him "do you still see them?" which I translate in BPD talk to mean "if she stopped seeing us, then she must have cut everyone else out too because she is crazy and antisocial". He said yes, we see them all the time and then in his words, he "escaped". 

Every time she reaches out to other people for information about me, I ask "does she not have any dignity? How embarrassing that must be to have to ask other people for information... That's not doing very much for protecting their image" (image is everything to them). Thankfully, it just made me giggle this time. But... Do they not have any dignity?  I've been telling myself that she doesn't drive by my house anymore or secretly stalk me, but I know all of you know better and will say darn right she still is. I'm just hoping that this doesn't open a door to more crazy.

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LeeJane

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Re: Does she have no dignity?
« Reply #1 on: May 26, 2016, 06:24:14 AM »
In my experience they don't see it as having dignity or not.   They just use people to pump for information they feel entitled to have. 

Sorry you have this going on.

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Inurdreams

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Re: Does she have no dignity?
« Reply #2 on: May 26, 2016, 11:23:17 AM »
A lot of them don't seem to know social norms so their dignity, or lack of, doesn't seem to enter into the equation.

I've seen NMIL make the biggest fool of herself that I will actually get embarrassed for her but she doesn't have a clue.  And ironically, she also has this thing about "appearances."
Peek not through the keyhole lest ye be vexed. - Stephen King


Response to a Flying Monkey:  Apparently you are suffering under the delusion that I give a damn.

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Bloomie

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Re: Does she have no dignity?
« Reply #3 on: May 26, 2016, 01:57:42 PM »
Mapleleaf14 - In thinking through BPD characteristics - my mom and one brother undiagnosed - something that helps me is what the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition, Text Revision (DSM-IV-TR) describes BPD as characterized by, “a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships” coupled with “frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.”

So, in light of that tendency to over and under attach relationally, it seems like your aunt's intrusive/inquisitive behavior may be part of this waffling back and forth where she is shark eyed and cold in person (discarding of you before you can discard her) and incredibly intrusive when you are not there to the point of obsession and accosting unsuspecting people still associated with you.

Long answer to a short question... no, I don't think dignity trumps what might be knee jerk PD driven behaviors in regards to you.

Bottom line... it is unnerving and unwelcome focus on your life. I'm sorry this is happening.

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all4peace

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Re: Does she have no dignity?
« Reply #4 on: May 26, 2016, 02:51:55 PM »
Mapleleaf14 - In thinking through BPD characteristics - my mom and one brother undiagnosed - something that helps me is what the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition, Text Revision (DSM-IV-TR) describes BPD as characterized by, “a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships” coupled with “frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.”

So, in light of that tendency to over and under attach relationally, it seems like your aunt's intrusive/inquisitive behavior may be part of this waffling back and forth where she is shark eyed and cold in person (discarding of you before you can discard her) and incredibly intrusive when you are not there to the point of obsession and accosting unsuspecting people still associated with you.

Long answer to a short question... no, I don't think dignity trumps what might be knee jerk PD driven behaviors in regards to you.

Bottom line... it is unnerving and unwelcome focus on your life. I'm sorry this is happening.
What a great explanation! THIS is my ILs! Stalking us everywhere electronically and most of them cold as death in our presence, or intermittently overly warm followed by cold silence. It must be such a confusing place for them to be. I know it is for me.

And I got to see this own slight behavior in my NM recently. After my dad and I had a very unpleasant conversation recently, NM didn't acknowledge it at all. But the next time she saw my teen nephew in public she asked him if we had been to visit my nephew and his family (my most supportive brother). I found this inappropriate, seeking information from a young adult rather than speaking to the parents.

If only these people knew the proper routes for building and rebuilding relationships. Yes, you would think they would feel undignified asking for information this way.

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Brigid O.

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Re: Does she have no dignity?
« Reply #5 on: May 27, 2016, 11:18:02 PM »
Dear Mapleleaf:  I had to reply because my PDsister does this same kind of behavior to me.  She does ANYTHING to get information about me from other siblings, anyone.  She couches it in caring terms like, "oh, I couldn't get ahold of Brigid, will you call her to see if she is all right?"  It drives me crazy.  I think it is a quest to garner, file and store information about me to use for future unknown purposes.  Knowledge is power.

Here is another example:  when she wants to make contact with me (I live alone), she sends me flowers, food deliveries for which I must sign a delivery receipt.  This is to be sure that she knows if I am home and when I get the package, and to be sure that I am obligated to respond to her (well, I thank her anyway, I don't need an annoying delivery receipt).  But who does that in this day and age -- request signature confirmation of deliveries constantly?  I hate it so much, I feel that I am being stalked.  I have asked, begged for her to stop this practice.  So, the last time I received a "delivery," I simply refused to accept it.


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Mapleleaf14

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Re: Does she have no dignity?
« Reply #6 on: May 28, 2016, 12:01:06 AM »
Bloomie - you are so right but I am just so grateful right now that this is the extent of my problem. It has been so much worse in the past and thankfully, this is what it has come to for her. Without your support and many other people's support, I couldn't have made it through NC 10 months ago. She does the same thing to her daughter who also has no contact with her.

Brigid- ugh, that all sounds familiar to me too!  I learned the absolute hard way that information is gathered and stored away for later usage. Anything you say can and will be used against you!!  The best thing I ever did was block her on my phone. It is one of her major tools of passive aggression (the other being social media).  Have you ever just turned the packages away??

All4peace- I completely agree with you about using children to get info. Mine has no clue about appropriateness and boundaries. I could tell so many stories about this issue. And this is the most frustrating thing of all for me and the thing that still bothers me the most... The blatant disregard for not only your boundaries but the boundaries set by society (you don't use kids against other people, etc).  It's almost as if she tramples on those boundaries while laughing at the idea that boundaries exist and that you were "allowed" to have boundaries.

Inurdreams, you're right, she doesn't understand social norms and believes that her way of living is better than social norms.  Clearly that is working out for her...

LeeJane - how do you stop people from giving her the information she wants?  I have found that with covert PDs, you can describe their ways to people but until they have seen it from the inside, they really have no idea.  And so they see these interactions as innocent.  I don't want to say to people "please don't tell her any information" because I don't want them thinking that I am being over dramatic. (Look, there's her voice speaking in self talk, telling me that I am being over dramatic...)