I have PD brother as my co-executor for Dad's estate

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Bete Noire

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I have PD brother as my co-executor for Dad's estate
« on: May 26, 2016, 02:40:05 PM »
So many accounts here dealing with PD relatives and estates. Add me to the list. Here's my tale of woe.

My ASPD brother is my co-executor and is also an attorney, but not an attorney for the estate. Co-executors is bad enough, but when one is PD and an attorney, the chaos is off the charts. It's been a living hell for my siblings and myself for the past few years. It's impossible to keep up with all the manufactured chaos. To make matters worse during the past three years my wife suffered and died end-2014 from terminal cancer and for the past year I've been grieving for her. I must be made of some pretty tough stuff to deal with all this, but its taking a toll for sure. My brother has never been diagnosed as ASPD but its the only way the dots connect. The traits are extreme and persistently malevolent. I should file criminal charges for some of the things he's done, but cannot because of the open estate proceeding....its not allowed. The DA's office will punt it back to the estate proceeding.

I confronted him over his aberrant behavior. He knows what he is. I know what he is. He knows I know what he is. He's been unmasked. So he seeks to destroy me. He's bright, but he is surprisingly reckless and seemingly unaware of how incriminating his actions are. He's convinced he's outsmarting us all, but the trail of chaos clearly points to himself. He is a skilled and fluent pathological liar, every argument in pseudo-legalese. I suppose the pseudo-legalese packaging of his lies has worked for him in baffling his adversaries. But we see through it now. A problem we face is that his mask of sanity opens doors and wins people over to his side, and it takes a while for others to recognize and see through his deceit, if ever. Not being an attorney myself puts me at a disadvantage, as his arguments are couched in pseudo-legalese. He likes to create a courtroom scenario where he manufactures the "evidence" from whole cloth lies, then charge me with a "crime" against the beneficiaries, and then proceed to levy arbitrary punishment. The only person missing from his little Spanish Inquisition Chamber is the defense attorney.

Fortunately I've read up on the subject so can understand and better cope with the steady stream of toxic behavior. For now all I can do is hold my ground and pray for deliverance in the not too distant future.

I'm certainly open for advice. And perhaps maybe a prayer if you have the time.
« Last Edit: May 26, 2016, 03:08:40 PM by Bete Noire »

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Muggins

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Re: I have PD brother as my co-executor for Dad's estate
« Reply #1 on: May 26, 2016, 09:48:36 PM »
I was co-executor with my sibling and it was awful. I felt that she mislead me over and over again. Not big stakes, just various items belonging to our parents but it hurt like hell for 5 years. It sounds like you and your siblings need protection and should maybe pool your resources and get a lawyer to take over for you. I wish there were more books specifically about estates and adult sibling rivalry. It can be a vicious experience. The sense of entitlement that some siblings feel and act on is something to see.

I am now NC with my narcissist sister. When the veil has come down there's no putting it back.

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Sunny

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Re: I have PD brother as my co-executor for Dad's estate
« Reply #2 on: May 26, 2016, 10:45:08 PM »
Agree with Muggins. My dad passed several months ago and sis with strong N traits is "Executrix" for will, Trustee for dad's trust, AND wrested power of attorney over my disabled mother who stood to inherit much of it.

She then gave a $10k car to some friends for a non-guaranteed payment of $200/month, allowed said friends to take heirlooms and everyday items and furnishings at no cost, failed to put very large amounts of $ into the trust etc etc.

I recently hired an attorney in the state my father lived in who knows the Trust attorney well. He is now requesting documents for me, answering Qs, etc, and I have taken a step back. It has been good for my peace of mind especially as I am divorcing an Nh at the same time.

I suspect Bete Noir that you are reluctant to hire a lawyer but mine assures me that it is quite common for the beneficiaries (as we "kids" are for some of the items at risk) to be represented. This is because the Trustee has a lawyer themselves (or maybe is one), and the Trustee in fact has a fuduciary duty to the beneficiaries. So it is totally within your right to retain one, should it be affordable and desirable. Mine had a pretty reasonable retainer and gave me lots of free advice before I wrote the check which convinced me it was the right move in my particular case.

 I feel for you and so very sorry about your wife's passing. Best, Sunny

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Bete Noire

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Re: I have PD brother as my co-executor for Dad's estate
« Reply #3 on: May 27, 2016, 03:59:23 AM »
Thank you all for your comments and sympathies for my wife.

It's very complex and convoluted. Two co-executors is a real mess as it requires our cooperation to do anything. We have two executor attorneys. My PD brother refuses to approve payment for my attorney though its a provision in the will. It's been a horrific experience for myself and my siblings. There were two houses to be distributed. For one of the houses he wanted to retain his ownership share but refused to buy the rest of us out, thereby forcing us to consider a forced partition sale. The other house he arranged with a an old friend and realtor to sell for $90k below  the CMA we obtained from an independent realtor. I forced him to back off on both of his idiotic moves, but it took much time and legal fees. I reside 3000 miles away, so have to do everything remotely. Its a challenge to keep tabs on a PD crook from 3000 miles away, but I've spent my life working for multinationals and know how to manage complicated matters from a distance.

My PD brother suppressed a codicil from my father explicitly warning us about my brothers strong feelings of conflict over the real estate and that we must therefore arrange for the estate attorney to have independence...our father was a respected attorney and made three copies of the letter personally handing two of them to my two sisters and one in his home safe. My PD brother was witnessed reading the codicil, but no such "independence" arrangement was made with the estate attorney. My father explicitly instructed the letter should be considered as part of the will. My PD brother characterized my fathers codicil letter as "a nothing". When my sister later brought the letter to my attention I confronted him about it and he sent me a different letter claiming it was the one he found in the safe. He was unaware my father gave my sisters copies. Whenever he's caught in a lie, he just doubles down and keeps on lying. Zero remorse. It's the only document in the estate my father took great care to put in three separate locations. But to my PD brother the codicil from my father was "a nothing". The magnitude of his betrayal of my father's trust was breathtaking. Had we followed my fathers instructions most of the ensuing troubles could have been averted.

I may need a much more aggressive attorney, but we're close to the end. So I will try to tough it out. But the beneficiaries are enraged over the resulting legal fees his manufactured chaos has caused. So the saga will continue for a while longer and will most likely end up in court.
« Last Edit: May 27, 2016, 04:10:57 AM by Bete Noire »

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Bete Noire

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Re: I have PD brother as my co-executor for Dad's estate
« Reply #4 on: May 27, 2016, 04:34:20 AM »
Thank you Sunny for your sympathies. The situation with your executrix sounds like a mess too. But it appears you have it under a semblance of control. My situation with two co-executors one of whom is a PD attorney is utterly insane...if I can use that word here. Maybe I should sell the movie rights. LOL! :) Any attempt to remove or control him via the surrogate court would have been vigorously litigated by him at great out-of-pocket legal expense to myself, but practically free for him as he would represent himself in court. He could have tied me up forever in court.

I'm a very tenacious fighter and problem solver, but its been such a distraction at such a difficult time in my life. The rest of us just want to get on with our lives and go totally NC on the guy. I feel so sorry for his wife who is one of the sweetest ladies I've known. The rift has isolated her from the rest of our family. She's been cooking on a hotplate for the past 10 years because he can't or won't repair the range. I don't know how she copes. Perhaps she only sees his Dr. Jekyll side and has been fed a pack of lies about the rest of us who she was very close to. His personal life is so disorganized and chaotic.

« Last Edit: May 27, 2016, 04:38:42 AM by Bete Noire »

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Bete Noire

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Re: I have PD brother as my co-executor for Dad's estate
« Reply #5 on: May 27, 2016, 05:01:09 AM »
I'm wondering if I should hire a consulting mental health professional to review the facts of his behavior together with testimony from ourselves to render a preliminary opinion on my PD brothers mental health?????

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Bete Noire

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Re: I have PD brother as my co-executor for Dad's estate
« Reply #6 on: May 27, 2016, 08:18:13 AM »
Just to clarify my moniker "Bete Noire"...I am my PD brothers bete noire. Because I'm onto him, I am his worst nightmare. And all his PD crap, no matter how much he throws at me, is gonna bounce right off me like water off a ducks back. Because at his very core, he just doesn't have the juice to beat me down. And its all going to blow up in his face one day. And I'm going to be standing there when he goes down.  ;)
« Last Edit: May 27, 2016, 08:40:43 AM by Bete Noire »

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SpringLight

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Re: I have PD brother as my co-executor for Dad's estate
« Reply #7 on: May 27, 2016, 02:29:11 PM »
Bete Noire:

My deepest, most heartfelt empathy to you for the loss of your wife.  Taking care of your wife and THEN GRIEVING her loss is not only painful, but EXHAUSTING.   What a nightmare to have to deal with this PD bro insanity, so soon after your experiencing the devastating loss of your wife .

I have no direct experience on this subject--well, NOT YET. However, to date, from EVERYONE I KNOW...I have ONLY heard harrowing sibling stories about The Will and The Estate, after the death of the last surviving parent.

Are their ANY happy stories out there? In all families, it seems (to me) this stage of life seems to bring out the VERY WORST in siblings.

You wrote:

"Not being an attorney myself puts me at a disadvantage, as his arguments are couched in pseudo-legalese."

Just my gut reaction...

Isn't this a good reason for you and your siblings to consult with an attorney, one specialized in this very field?  I don't know what type of law your brother practices, but it sounds like a good Estate Lawyer could cut through your brother's crap more efficiently and more effectively than any non-lawyer.  And he/she could save you a lot of stress and headaches, going forward.

P.S. Shouldn't your forum name be "Bro's-Bete Noire?"  :D :tongue2:

ETA: Ooops! I usually try to read the posts that precede mine before I post mine--so as not repeat the same advice.  :blahblahblah: But I didn't do that, this time.  :doh: My bad!
« Last Edit: May 27, 2016, 02:34:39 PM by SpringLight »

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Bete Noire

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Re: I have PD brother as my co-executor for Dad's estate
« Reply #8 on: May 27, 2016, 02:56:24 PM »
Hi SpringLight,

Haha! It was a quick choice of moniker...bete noir du mon frere??? Kinda wordy? :)

I agree, my attorney has little knowledge of PD traits. I believe he's grappling with the problem of incredulity about my explanation of my brothers behavior. With unenlightened 3rd parties, it takes time for the realization to sink in.

I reached out to a forensic psychiatrist today to see if they can lend a hand somehow. Any judges attention span is only going to be so long. But I'm sure judges deal with their fair share of PD defendants, so may be he's attuned to the condition.

Had an inspiration today. Prior to the estate issues starting in 2013, my last interaction with my brother was back in 2009. He did a couple of very thoughtful things for me back then. Where did that brother go??? This got me to wondering if he's got some kind of degenerative condition going on. He's put on a ton of weight since then and has become diabetic. I've asked my two sisters who are healthcare professionals to advise if they can discern any change in trend in his behavior over the past 10 years...they've had much more direct experience with him than I. I need to research what changes in his health might possibly precipitate such PD behavior.

Things are just coming to a head of some kind. If there's any possibility this is related to the deterioration in his general health, I need to explore this. Otherwise any court action could be a trainwreck for him.

Seems I'm all over the place these days. One day I'm girding for battle and the next day I'm trying to save him from himself. I just want to do the right thing for my family and leave no stone unturned.

Thank you for your sympathies about my late wife. She was and is my soulmate. She was my life. The air that I breathe. I fell in love with her every day...for 25 years.
« Last Edit: May 27, 2016, 03:04:21 PM by Bete Noire »

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Muggins

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Re: I have PD brother as my co-executor for Dad's estate
« Reply #9 on: May 27, 2016, 03:31:35 PM »
When did your father make these warnings about your brother? Before 2009? He knew you needed protection from this sibling and probably not due to any change in health. Mid-life crisis could add to the mental state...making number one a priority and reinforcing the narcissism.

I am amazed that he thought it would be accepted to sell the house way below market value.

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SpringLight

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Re: I have PD brother as my co-executor for Dad's estate
« Reply #10 on: May 27, 2016, 06:42:09 PM »
Hello, BNdTF: ;D

Kudos to you for reaching out to a forensic psychiatrist. That would have never dawned on me. Seems like I learn somethin' new, every day on this list! Or, at least learn to see things in a different light.

You wrote:
"Any judge's attention span is only going to be so long. But I'm sure judges deal with their fair share of PD defendants, so may be he's attuned to the condition."

Oh, yes! And..gee, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the judges themselves can have PD's too! :aaauuugh: Have you heard of
"Black Robe Syndrome?"  That's a profession that may have a disproportionate number of N's. Or so I hear. But, who am I... to judge? :P

Also, very insightful of you to consider POSSIBLE health concerns of your brother.  The diabetes and considerable weight gain are worrisome, for many reasons.  One might also consider he's suffering from depression or other mental health problems, too?  And even other physical problems that may be affecting his mind. Just when you think it's the diabetes, it could very well be something ELSE. 

Does your brother have a wife or girlfriend or best friend with whom YOU could (privately) share your concerns ABOUT HIS HEALTH?

I applaud you for attempting to leave no stone unturned.

Again, I extend my sympathies and my empathy to you. I have walked a mile in your shoes. (Although I did not lose a spouse through death, I lost my dearest lifelong friend, and some of the best people/relatives in my life to this horrid disease--up close and personal. And ALL of them...under the age of 60.  :( They are NEVER  far from my mind and heart.

Do you ever wonder advice/insights YOUR WIFE would give you if she were still alive?

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Bete Noire

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Re: I have PD brother as my co-executor for Dad's estate
« Reply #11 on: May 28, 2016, 08:16:09 AM »
Hi Muggins,

My father was a successful and respected attorney himself, and his firm still bears his name 25 years after he retired, and even after his death. One year before he passed he wrote a "codicil" instructing us that this letter shall be read as part of the will. He placed one copy in his home safe atop its contents, and personally handed a copy to each of my two sisters. No other document in the estate did my father take such precautions with. Therein my father expressed concerns that my PD brother might have strong feelings of conflict concerning the real property and that the probate attorney must therefore be independent from the executor attorney. One of my sisters was there when the safe was opened. She saw and recognized the letter and handed it to my PD brother. She saw him read it for perhaps 20-30 minutes. Then the letter disappeared...it was never brought to my attention or discussed with me. Nor was it submitted to the surrogate court for adjudication together with the will. I only learned of this letter a couple of months later when one of my sisters asked if I had seen it. I then asked my PD brother if he saw it, and he attempted to explain that it was another letter my father had written a couple of years earlier on an entirely different subject. I then sent him a copy of the letter my sister had received. He was totally unaware my sisters had received separate copies. He was caught red-handed dead to nuts in his lie. He had suppressed it and completely ignored its contents. Needless to say the rest of us were outraged. Two days ago he characterized the letter as "a nothing". His betrayal of my fathers trust was breathtaking...not to mention damaging to the estate and beneficiaries.

The deal he proposed with his realtor friend was negligent at best, as was his bizarre insistence on selling it for much less than the listing price recommended in the CMA provided to us by the largest realtor in the county. We felt he was either crooked or insane, or both. Now he has the unmitigated gall to attempt to surcharge me for the legal fees incurred during my efforts to stop him.  :stars:

He lacks all sense of self-awareness or remorse. He believes he can get away with anything just because he is an attorney.

I swear to God this is all 100% true. The Coen brothers couldn't dream up something this off-the-wall crazy.   :roll:
« Last Edit: May 28, 2016, 08:49:27 AM by Bete Noire »

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Bete Noire

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Re: I have PD brother as my co-executor for Dad's estate
« Reply #12 on: May 28, 2016, 09:31:17 AM »
Hi SpringLight,

His wife is an LPN. She's always been a very sweet lady and empathetic soul. We all love her. But since my siblings have gone completely NC on my PD brother, its now awkward for anyone to approach her on this. Neither of them are the picture of health these days. Both are diabetic and obese.

I still "talk" to my wife every day. She was such an amazingly sweet-natured, centered, graceful and gentle soul with the most beautiful smile...and she remained that way right up to her final days when she eventually lapsed into a coma. Negative emotions such as anger or pettiness were simply not in her DNA.  I tried my best to shelter her from the turmoil of all this estate nonsense during her final 18 months, but she knew it was weighing heavily on my mind. But she had much on her own plate to deal with...round after round of chemo, various medical procedures, pain and so on. I occasionally discussed it with her. She simply could not fathom my brothers behavior. She once said it appeared he interacted with people as if he was in an imaginary courtroom.

Being with her for so many years really changed me. Prior to meeting her I was more aggressive and hot-tempered...Irish ancestry. She really showed me the beautiful side of life. So I've mellowed considerably. Caring for her 24/7/365 during her 4 years of illness really brought out my empathetic side. I believe that if I am ever to be re-united with her, then I must always act in an honorable and compassionate way. I must never give in to hatred. I also believe that I must forgive my PD brother, if I am to be forgiven for my own sins. I really struggled with this...how do I forgive my PD brother while he hates me with such intensity? The only way I could forgive him is to accept that he probably has some form of pathological illness and is a sufferer himself, doing things he cannot control.

She continues to guide me in those mysterious and intangible ways. I continue to reflect and gain insights into her seemingly flawless personality. I have finally realized over the past year that she always lived precisely in the moment. Never a moments worry about tomorrow or the past. I have been learning to do that myself, and it is wonderful...so long as I'm not distracted by the craziness of the estate problems.  :stars:
« Last Edit: May 28, 2016, 09:43:43 AM by Bete Noire »

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Rosina

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Re: I have PD brother as my co-executor for Dad's estate
« Reply #13 on: May 28, 2016, 12:04:35 PM »
I am sorry that you are going through this.  I went through something similar 10 years ago and still feel the pain.
Do have an attorney on your own and is filing a complaint with the Attorney Disciplinary Board an option?
Laugh and the world laughs with you.  Weep and you weep alone.     Voltaire.

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Bete Noire

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Re: I have PD brother as my co-executor for Dad's estate
« Reply #14 on: May 28, 2016, 03:27:13 PM »
Hi Rosina,

I'm very sorry to hear you've been through the mill as well. I like to think we can come out stronger in some ways, with a better understanding of human nature and why people behave as they do.

I have very seriously contemplated filing a grievance report against him, and may well do so as he is a potential danger to his clients and the reputation of my fathers old firm where he's worked for the past 5 years. And so long as he has a law license he is an ongoing threat to the rest of us...he absolutely needs to be defanged. I've started talking to a new attorney who I hope has a better understanding of the dark side of human nature than my last attorney did.

Yeah, my PD brother found himself unemployed several years ago and my father asked his former partners to give him a job. For my PD brother to repay that act of generosity by suppressing my fathers highly prescient codicil and calling it "a nothing", well, it just points to a total absence of conscience.  If asked to venture a guess, I'd say he's a textbook psychopath.
« Last Edit: May 28, 2016, 03:30:17 PM by Bete Noire »

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Trust-no-one

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Re: I have PD brother as my co-executor for Dad's estate
« Reply #15 on: May 29, 2016, 01:34:47 AM »
"I may need a much more aggressive attorney, but we're close to the end. So I will try to tough it out. But the beneficiaries are enraged over the resulting legal fees his manufactured chaos has caused. So the saga will continue for a while longer and will most likely end up in court."

It sounds to me like you need an aggressive attorney.  Personally, I love guys who think that they're the smartest person in the room. They give away so much information that it is easy to use it for the opposing side, although it can take some time to set it up.

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Bete Noire

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Re: I have PD brother as my co-executor for Dad's estate
« Reply #16 on: May 29, 2016, 11:52:02 AM »
Hi Trust-no-one,

Yup! You and I are 100% on the same wavelength. I love it when my adversary underestimates me. I go out of my way to encourage it sometimes. If that's what they want to believe I will not try to dissuade them.  :)

One of my favorite quotations is:     "Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake." - Napoleon Bonaparte

As my PD brother is seemingly devoid of self-awareness his arrogance of power is absolute. He's seems completely oblivious to all of his gross negligence. Of course, I must guard against becoming overly confident myself as there might be some legalistic tactics he could surprise me with...which is why I need a skilled attorney onboard. But all the facts of his gross negligence are well documented and supported by testimony from the beneficiaries. I would love to avoid it if at all possible, but am prepared to engage if he refuses to back down. Sometimes there's no way out but through.


« Last Edit: May 29, 2016, 12:08:58 PM by Bete Noire »