How can I put a stop to this?

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FallenAngel

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How can I put a stop to this?
« on: May 30, 2016, 10:30:25 PM »
I haven't been around in a while, but I have a slight mess here and would very grateful for some advice on this one. 

My somewhat unstable sibling ( who was seeking better but very recently went unpredictable again) had been completely convinced that she and I were planing a big camping trip in July.  She was sure that we were both going to put money aside, stock up on supplies, all that kind of thing.  True u le is she simply doesn't make enough money to even survive a whole half a week let along put aside a penny for a trip.  Well the trip I knew we were not going on in the first place is off simply because she is in debt again. 

I'm being punished for the candling off the trip though it was her that canceled it in the first place.  I get yelled at about how it's somehow my work hours are to blame for her lack of money, how it's my fault she's living in this town away from better pay.  I know the guilt will just be pulled on and on to punish me and punish me until I break because she made mistakes and can't fix them.  Recently I have even got off handed comments about her dying of some health issue, no ride to a doctor.  She's said she thinks the stress of money troubles will cause an early heart attack and clearly hints that I should fund more of her life.  There was even a recent comment about hoping we die in a car wreck because she hates poverty that much.

I'm not going to spend a whole summer listening to that day in and day out, but I have no idea how to put a stop to it.  I can't exactly afford to pay for the whole trip myself, but maybe I should do it anyway, take some money out of the budget for bills and later play catch up again.  Surely the stress of bill collectors is better than this endless guilt hurled at me.

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closure_with_clarity

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Re: How can I put a stop to this?
« Reply #1 on: May 30, 2016, 11:09:04 PM »
I can't exactly afford to pay for the whole trip myself, but maybe I should do it anyway, take some money out of the budget for bills and later play catch up again.  Surely the stress of bill collectors is better than this endless guilt hurled at me.

Fallenangel, I went back and read your prior posts to get a better insight into the history and dynamic w/ your toxic and dysfunctional sister. You are still sharing an apartment with her? When does this lease end or is it a month to month? You need to start getting organized and devise a plan to get out of this shared living arrangement.

Many of us are unaware we are in an unhealthy codependent relationship, until we have the big epiphany that something is seriously amiss and we can no longer go on being totally consumed and emotionally/financially, physically, and spiritually sucked dry by another. You need to get out from under being her codependent for she is NOT going to change. Until she hits rock bottom and is held accountable for her gross behavior and total dependency on you, you both have no chance at a healthy, productive, fruitful life. Most importantly YOU have no chance, but will only be further consumed and devoured.

Do NOT give into her whims and wishes like paying for a vaca you can't afford in order to placate and keep her quiet. As tempting as it is, please consider that it is only contributing to her sense of entitlement. And, her dysfunctional mind set that she can bully you into submission.

The following are a few terms that I truly think you need to digest. They were extremely helpful in helping me identify my own toxic, dysfunctional, and codependenet relationships within my FOO dynamic. And, I think they may be vital to you too.

Codependency http://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/codependency

Rescuer Syndrome http://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/rescuer-syndrome

Fix it Syndrome http://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/fix-it-syndrome

Hang in there and try not to give up! Keep looking toward the light at the end of the tunnel, even if it times it only looks like a sliver

:bighug:

« Last Edit: May 30, 2016, 11:20:16 PM by closure_with_clarity »
Let go of the people that dull your shine. Poison your spirit. And bring you drama. Cancel your subscription to their issues.  :)

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moglow

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Re: How can I put a stop to this?
« Reply #2 on: May 31, 2016, 12:01:41 AM »
Quote from: Closure with Clarity
Do NOT give into her whims and wishes like paying for a vaca you can't afford in order to placate and keep her quiet. As tempting as it is, please consider that it is only contributing to her sense of entitlement. And, her dysfunctional mind set that she can bully you into submission.

Exactly!  You do that and not only does it reaffirm that she can bully you into doing what she wants and can't possibly afford, but I guaran-damn-tee she'd find fault with it anyway.  You'd be in the wrong place, the tent is completely unsuitable, there's not enough anything, etc.

SHE made her own choices.  If she feels she's stuck there and can't make more money, she can move.  You can't possibly fix all the ills in her world, even though she's pasting the blame for everything firmly on everyone else.
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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FallenAngel

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Re: How can I put a stop to this?
« Reply #3 on: May 31, 2016, 09:45:33 AM »
Closure with Clarity, I agree that leaving would be the best idea.  I dream of moving away to the city,  and starting over, with very limited contact with any family member.  But it simply can't be.  I've tried everything to escape and it's simply. It looking like a possibility.  Lease is month to month, but you may as well ask me to sprout a pair of wings and fly as soon as ask me to stand a ain't her and her partner on this living arrangement issue.  I've tried everything to make my brain do it and it simply will not work.  I'm basically hard wired from childhood to take my place beneath her.

I DID give her notice months ago in fact.  Said they had a couple of months to find new arrangements.  Perfectly reasonable I think.  Their counter "offer" was a year as off summer.  That should place me as able to leave July 2017 IF they keep their word.  Already though she is working on more guilt, piling punishments, making sure I KNOW I am nothing.  I spoke against her and now I will pay for life.  family will not inter one as it would mean taking her themselves and who in the right mind would take her and partner in to save me. 

I know I will be  consumed and devoured.  I know someday I'll either be broken to the point of being useless to her, or simply dead.  Then she will be forced to hit that bottem and change her life and our , sorry for the harsh opinion, useless mother will see that it was as bad as I said it was when I asked for help and she refused again and again no matter how I begged and pleaded.

I won't pay for the trip.  Thanks for the advice there.  You're right.  I would never be good enough anyway so why bother.  And thanks a to. For the links.  I'll read those over.  Maybe next year she will leave as they said and I really will be free.  It's that small chance of freedom that keeps me sane for the time being.

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Brigid O.

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Re: How can I put a stop to this?
« Reply #4 on: May 31, 2016, 10:55:30 AM »
Dear FallenAngel:  You are valuable ! 

Your needs, wants and happiness are important.  Your destiny is to live free of cruelty and meaness.

One thing that helped me with my PD sister was to read Kathy Krajco's story.  She is now deceased, but her ebook about her sister is online if you look for it.  She, Kathy, was also under the power and ruthless exploitation of a similar-type sister.  It shook me to my core because Kathy analyzed in detail both her sister's behavior and the effect it had on her, Kathy.  A lady named Lisette also blogs about this on her website, and the pain she is working through with her narcissistic family.  Strength and peace to you, FallenAngel.