(^o_._o^)

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chairmanmeow

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(^o_._o^)
« on: June 01, 2016, 01:07:41 AM »
Oh wow this site got an overhaul, I havent been around for a while..
It is exactly as the site is named, this fog of disassociation is a hell of thing, the more you educate yourself the more you move your perspective away from that ground zero point where you dont have the perspective to see yourself or the situation.
My mantra these days has been cultivating emotional intelligence..
Emotions follow their own rules and processes and nuro pathways in different parts of your brain, so in my humble opinion eating a buncha emotion suppressing SSRI's and doing Cognitive Behavioral  Therapy to rationally suppress emotions as a fix for this is the stupidest thing I ever heard of. Maybe even more damaging in the long run...
My CPTSD has robbed me of so much emotional depth as it is leaving a disconnected Highly functioning sociopath of a shell, feeling anything with real depth just opens the flood gates of pain, and sets off my anxiety biology machine rendering me useless as the protagonist in my own life. 
I connect the dots, I read the books, I end up here.. Hello again.  ;D

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: (^o_._o^)
« Reply #1 on: June 01, 2016, 10:45:51 AM »
Hello again and wondering if you were here as another member name? It helps us to know who you were before so please pm one of the moderators if you don't want to post it here on the open board.

If I understand correctory you were involved with a sociopath and left? If I got that right it's good you're in a safe place. Even though left with damage safety first is a good first step.

There's information in the Toolbox for information on cPTSD and also under Resources is some good information. Wishing you a healing journey Out of the FOG.
« Last Edit: June 01, 2016, 11:41:14 PM by Spring Butterfly »
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage. Plan accordingly, make time to heal
Individuation is the key to emotional freedom
It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
If others were self observant, introspective, this forum would not exist

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chairmanmeow

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Re: (^o_._o^)
« Reply #2 on: June 06, 2016, 12:55:11 AM »
I got confused I thought I was on out of the storm  :upsidedown:
Im the step kid of my mothers second marriage. My stepfather is this possessive jellious guy, I call it polar bear complex, where the step parent pretty much wants to kill the previous kids lol, anyway this  guy is threatened by my exsistance I suffered all sorts of verbal abuse bordering on physical (thats where my mom drew the line) And he pretty much severed any emotional attachment to my mother who is in total denial (and says i just remeber the bad stuff, though I dont remeber most of my life) this gave me some pretty severe CPTSD that screwed with my life decisions all my life and ability to function, I became conscious of it about 5 or 6 years ago when it got really bad after my last ex left me and I got stuck homeless in chicago in the middle of winter, it cranked all those background issues up to about a 12, we got back together long enough to have a child and for her messed up family to manipulate her and drive her into the arms of another guy who has stolen my entire family. It now is occurred to me that I am a mess.. on levels beyond my previous estimations. Iv allways used this screen name but I think I may be on the wrong forum lol though scrolling thru here maybe not Im past being blindsided I need tools to put my psyche back together

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xredshoesx

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Re: (^o_._o^)
« Reply #3 on: June 06, 2016, 07:33:35 AM »
we've got some folks that post here and at oots, which is a great thing-  not sure if everyone uses the same screen name but it's perfectly ok to do so.


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Spring Butterfly

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Re: (^o_._o^)
« Reply #4 on: June 06, 2016, 08:46:07 AM »
Wow that's so much to have gone through as a child and continuing as an adult. No wonder you're on our sister site!

"scrolling thru here maybe not Im past being blindsided I need tools to put my psyche back together"
You might find the Toolbox helpful to help you heal and deal with current situations. For me the Toolbox became life tools - skills I should have learned about as a child but had no one with those skills to teach them to me.
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage. Plan accordingly, make time to heal
Individuation is the key to emotional freedom
It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
If others were self observant, introspective, this forum would not exist

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chairmanmeow

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Re: (^o_._o^)
« Reply #5 on: June 06, 2016, 03:12:00 PM »
All and all I can credit a lot of my resiliency to having to be so independent.
My understanding of people and their motivations and my cultivation of emotional intelligence, and empathy is something we only learn thru our own sufferings. I read people too well, I can take loose details of a situation and always stitch an accurate character narrative, prob because I can also look into the depths of the heart with an honesty our ego tends to avoid. Scoicology, the workings of our brains, emotions and psychology, are subjects Iv always found interesting if not necessary for my own personal survival.
What life has taken it has given me a often more frightening set of skills in its place to survive, I have a terrible habit of being to well thought out, accurate, and 2 steps ahead of those around me, prob because instability in others is just a death sentence for me with my growing anxiety disorder.
So I find myself 31 with the skills to survive and a resourcefulness that I never worry about going hungry. I decided social work fits the bends of my nature, I looked at the courses and everyone of them is something I find exciting and interesting, plus your entire job is getting paid to make peoples life better on some level and I find that worthy, my material wants are small. I know what I want to be when I grow up even if it took a few decades...

Whats killing me is this other stuff, this instability in myself, this emotional frailty, The more I transcend the distraction of eating, and sleeping, and making life work on such a level, the more my emotional survival takes center stage and threatens sustaining a life of meaning. Im bothered by this cycle of coming undone, that is what I need to manage for it renders the benefits hard earned thru seeds iv had to till for the last 20 years impotent.

I know CPTSD and that cycle of anxiety and dissociation from ones emotional brain is the root of the cycle of depression, that numbing of the senses and inability to feel anything and connected to your own life renders a breakdown of systems of meaning, the touch stones our humanity follows.. I know the connections, I watch the process in myself. But understanding brings me no solace, being blindsided and confusion just gets replaced with a quiet matter of fact reality, and uttering such truths in the ears of those more normal only grazes the darker parts that lie dormant or unresolved in hearts of every person. The systems they build to manage and suppress those ugly things can come undone at the mere suggestion and dissection of your own miserable experience. To talk to others as I do is like dark witch craft that sends recoil down the spines of those fortune has been kinder too. And to be silent only sends those same people knocking at your gates for its unacceptable, so you find yourself doing the most painful thing and acting out an inner life more normal taxing your allready strained faculty out of compassion for those whos hearts you tread on, alone, feeling it would be better to be more totally alone for it is easier even if not better for your own health.
Pardon me, lol been on a 6 hour binge of Shakespeare the new Coriolanus movie is amazing, the 1996 version of Hamlet is pretty awsome sauce, but the frame of speech suits my already colorful tendencies at language, 6 hours of listening to people talk like that has taken some root in my writings. I appreciate you guys...