Introducing myself

  • 4 Replies
  • 449 Views
*

Lillith65

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 307
Introducing myself
« on: June 02, 2016, 11:05:20 AM »
Hi,
I am in my 50s and have spent a lifetime trying to understand and come to terms with my (dysfunctional) family.
I am the eldest of two girls. My sister is the GC and FM, my father is uNPD and my mother uAPD. My sister is also uBPD.
I grew up in ongoing chaos, constant and violent fights between my parents over money, infidelity, the wrong food being served, the dog being ill etc. Both parents were physically abusive to my sister and me. We were regularly slapped by my Mother (often unpredictably) and attacked by my Dad who would lose hit temper and chase us to hit us repeatedly. After being hit, called names and reduced to violent sobbing he would insist on us 'making friends' and refuse to believe what he had done by completely denying it. (A tactic that my first husband also used.) My Dad would also throw things, break things and storm out (which he still does occasionally at over 80 years old).
My family seem to have a completely different memory of my childhood - what little I remember that is. I have long gaps in my memory and only remember isolated incidents some good, mostly bad. I have given up trying to discuss anything with them and have recently gone NC with my sister after she was very, very abusive to me in public.
I am preoccupied with my Dad's behaviour at the moment because he is terminally ill with cancer. I can barely have any contact as I have recently felt very angry with him and with my mother. I am dealing with a lot of guilt as a result of only speaking to them once a week and avoiding any other contact.
I think this forum may be somewhere that I can be understood and where I can be in contact with people who have similar experiences.
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm - anonymous.

Part of my story: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=54885.msg488293#msg488293
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=54892.msg488385#msg488385

NC uPDM; NC uBPDSis

*

Lillith65

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 307
Re: Introducing myself
« Reply #1 on: June 02, 2016, 11:22:46 AM »
Follow on post.
My Mother was (is) emotionally unavailable and full of self hatred. She regularly describes herself as stupid and ugly and still diets rigorously out of a fear of being thought fat. I have no memories of her ever holding, stroking, kissing or soothing me. I do remember crying when I was ill because I wanted to be cared for and her walking out of the door. When I was 13 I decided to see whether she would notice me if I starved myself - two years later and at a low weight I discovered that she would not. Many years later her only reference to my many years of eating disorder was that 'I looked like something out of Belsen.' This gave me a perverse pleasure as it meant that she had noticed me.
My strongest memory of her is at 17 when she chased me around the house with a carving knife. My sister saved my life by pushing me into my bedroom and standing between the door and my Mother until the Doctor came. The crazy thing was that he was called for me by my Mother who told him that I 'had gone crazy.' He injected me with a sedative and I woke up the next morning with a hangover and the knowledge that the previous evening would be denied.
This was at the same time as my Dad disappeared for two months and sent me a suicide letter (enclosing money) asking me to buy my Mother and sister nice Christmas presents. He arrived back on the doorstep a couple of weeks later and nothing was ever said again about the episode. He had apparently gone abroad and told the rest of his family that he was dying of cancer - ironically enough.
These are some early 'highlights' but there is so much more - as I am sure you understand!
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm - anonymous.

Part of my story: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=54885.msg488293#msg488293
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=54892.msg488385#msg488385

NC uPDM; NC uBPDSis

*

JG65

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 665
Re: Introducing myself
« Reply #2 on: June 02, 2016, 01:53:22 PM »
K8EB,

Welcome!  It sounds like you had a very difficult childhood.  And, it sounds like your family is making your adult life difficult too. 

I'm also in my 50s.  My father is dNPD and my mother is a recovering alcoholic.  I ended contact with my father last year, about 8 or 9 months ago now.  I initially had a lot of guilt but it has improved over time, both through reflection and moving past denial, but also through support of people here and the help of a therapist who specializes in PDs.

I also have missing memories from my childhood.  I recently determined with the help of my therapist and a very telling series of symptoms, that my father sexually abused me when I was a child sometime before the age of 10.  Trauma is sometimes the cause of missing memories--and trauma can be caused by physical, verbal and /or sexual abuse. 

Having your mother chase you with a knife sounds like something that could be traumatizing.  Just to make it clear, I'm not suggesting at all that you were sexually abused, but it is very clear that you were abused.  A therapist can help you work through that. 

Your anger with your parents is a very understandable and acceptable emotion.  One of the things I had to come to accept was that it was okay to cut off contact with a father who mistreated, and continues to mistreat me to this day, who lies, denies and otherwise whitewashes over his abusive, inappropriate and other harmful behaviors.  In fact, it wasn't just okay to walk away; it is a matter of self-protection.  I had to walk away just to better understand how much harm I'd suffered.

Family members on my dad's side of the family think I am a bad person.  Initially, that hurt me.  Now, I think that there is absolutely no value whatsoever in the opinions of people who don't know what abuse I've suffered, or, even worse, who don't care what abuse I've suffered and think I should go back for more. 

  My mother was mostly neglectful, and compared to my father, she was a fantastic parent. 

My advice is to do what you need to do for you so that when your dad passes away, you feel comfort in your choices.  Accept that he is not going to magically turn into the father you wanted at the very end.  You cannot be expected to "make peace" with how your parents abused you just because your dad has a terminal illness.  Your dad failed at the basics when it comes to raising a child.  Truly, you owe him absolutely nothing. 

I'm sorry that you are in the difficult place you are right now.  I wish you the best and hope you are able to put your needs first. 

Sooner or later everyone sits down to a banquet of consequences - Robert Louis Stevenson

*

HI!fromTX

  • New Member
  • *
  • 13
Re: Introducing myself
« Reply #3 on: June 02, 2016, 02:29:12 PM »
Hello K8EB,

I'm new as well but I just wanted to tell you that you're not alone and I wish you the best.  It's a difficult place to be.. feeling guilty about not doing enough for parents that abused us.  What I've realized in the past year is that I've done as much as I could throughout the years and I do not need to feel guilty about not doing more.  We have needs as well and if they're not met, we may fail ourselves.

Good luck

*

Lillith65

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 307
Re: Introducing myself
« Reply #4 on: June 03, 2016, 09:31:02 AM »
Thanks HI.
One of the things that brought this home to me was when during my last depressive breakdown, including an almost successful suicide attempt, the whole thing became about my parents' and my sister's feelings. Not one word of compassion, not one offer of help, not one hospital visit, just phone calls telling me how selfish I was, how worried they were, that I needed to grow up. I ended up apologising over and over to them. After a period of time I realised that this was the old pattern all over again.
My mother even said to me 'I've told people that you're not a loony.'. What? The only person that uses the word is her!
Very sad.
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm - anonymous.

Part of my story: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=54885.msg488293#msg488293
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=54892.msg488385#msg488385

NC uPDM; NC uBPDSis