Younger sister, also GC

  • 5 Replies
  • 1178 Views
*

Lillith65

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 307
Younger sister, also GC
« on: June 02, 2016, 03:31:33 PM »
My younger sister was also designated the GC from birth. She is always described as having been an easy baby, and a victim of my non stop bullying. I am described as difficult, demanding baby who never slept and never stopped crying who grew up into miserable, difficult, child who was always ill.
I remember some fights with my sister and from discussion with others these seem nothing more than ordinary sibling squabbles. According to my parents however I was a relentless, tormenting bully and this is the story that is told and retold to anyone who will listen including when I am present. Bear in mind that I am in now in my 50s!
My sister only communicates through my parents and when she wanted to see me or needed a favour it was my parents who would ask me - always in an indirect way of course so that I would 'offer' . For many years I allowed this to happen even though it infuriated me. It then took me years to be able to ignore the manipulation and even call them out on it when they told me various sob stories about her. Asking 'What are you asking for?' seemed aggressive the first few times that I used it but has been helpful.
Over the years my sister has called me 'neurotic' - this during my divorce from the man who beat me so badly that I ended up in hospital; selfish - after a nearly successful suicide attempt; 'frumpy' - because I started wearing flat shoes due to inflammation in both feet, a 'hypochondriac' - when I was diagnosed with a life threatening chronic illness needing surgery every five years and hospital check ups every six months for the rest of my life and a 'right misery who does nothing but moan' after I had a major depressive breakdown. She has never visited me during my lengthy hospital stays nor has she ever invited me for a meal at her home. She did however often borrow money from me, have lifts to go shopping, for her own Dr's visits or for a day out. She describes my taste in men as 'crap' - she lived with a biker who beat her and passed naked photos of her around his friends, then married an illiterate alcoholic drug user and now lives with another alcoholic.
The difference between us is that I would never have criticised her the way that she criticises me, nor do I discuss her with my parents and I also acknowledge my own difficulties. I have to say that even with my difficulties I have a professional job, own my own home, have savings and a long term stable relationship. I have also had seven years of psychotherapy and look after myself.
My sister however is unemployed, living with a (functional) alcoholic in an expensive rented house. They live from pay check to pay check and she often lies to him about money as she is unable to stick to a budget. When I still saw her I would often have to give her money to buy food despite his very high income! She also hasn't been to the dentist in 30 years (out of fear) and has no discernible interests, hobbies or ambitions. Her only friend has convictions for shoplifting, domestic abuse and has been declared bankrupt. They seem to spend all of their time discussing the friend's  frequent and violent fights with her husband.
The point of this is to remind myself that although she is painted as the GC between the two of us I am the most functional.....and sane in some ways. We both have difficulties and they are related to our family and upbringing but my sister will admit none of it and I am the designated 'crazy one'.
« Last Edit: June 02, 2016, 03:37:46 PM by K8EB »
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm - anonymous.

Part of my story: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=54885.msg488293#msg488293
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=54892.msg488385#msg488385

NC uPDM; NC uBPDSis

*

alonenow

  • Guest
Re: Younger sister, also GC
« Reply #1 on: June 02, 2016, 04:30:36 PM »
It is really amazing isn't it when you list a life story next to a sibling and  they are still seen as better. 
If used to bother me so bad I would literally list each item and ask why?    Husband just said let it go (only made it worse when fleas were bad).
There is no answer / there is no explanation / and most of all there is no Disney ending where parents wake up and see Cinderella.
I am in your same shoes except there are 3 siblings who seem to have contests to do the most insane move.    I have been told so many times when I was still in contact with MOM that I was just lucky and I should have empathy for all their (self inflicted ) troubles. how I was selfish as I would not lend (give) money to them.  When a BIL took to stealing from mom and then showed up out of the blue (to case my home) I met him on lawn and had kids lock the door close the drapes told him to come back when husband was home.        I was told I was crazy that he just missed us and wanted to visit and was so upset I jumped to an insane conclusion . He NEVER once came over uninvited when he knew H was gone before but I am paranoid   
I just tell you this nowto show you are not alone and I understand the wanting to just  know WHY

*

Candywarhol

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 88
Re: Younger sister, also GC
« Reply #2 on: June 02, 2016, 10:14:18 PM »
K8EB your story sounds infuriating!
Somehow we want to be seen for who we are by these people who are almost determined to ignore our
successes. Yes, I think that despite having grown up in an un-nurturing environment, maintaining a relationship,
earning one's own money and creating a stable life are successes! People who grew up in stable environments with
"good enough" parenting would probably say that these successes are enough, why seek validation from dysfunctional
family members/parents?!
It seems to be part of the SG's lot, however, to make a go at life, be self-sufficient, request very little and still be looked
down upon while craving acceptance, and validation at least for being autonomous and not being a burden on anyone else.
My siblings have skeletons in their closets that my parents would be abhorred to know about! One of two of those skeletons
were aired in that past and were the cause of shame for the family (feeling shame because of what society thinks is something that I don't ascribe to but for my FOO this is a big deal). An angel by no means, I've always been pretty low-key and been involved in trying to harmonise when the sh** hit the fan, when any of those skeletons toppled out of the closet. I am now the ostracised, loopy, over-sensitive freak who is treated passive aggressively by some, while the rest just shrug their shoulders and pretend nothing is wrong.
I still at times feel the need to be validated/seen by these cold, misguided individuals.
How crazy is that? Rationally I know that, a. it's never going to happen and, b. even if it did, I wouldn't trust it/the adult me doesn't need it.
I know this isn't a very uplifting post. Just trying to say, I think I get it and you're not alone  :)
« Last Edit: June 02, 2016, 10:21:36 PM by Candywarhol »

*

Lillith65

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 307
Re: Younger sister, also GC
« Reply #3 on: June 03, 2016, 04:37:54 AM »
'I still at times feel the need to be validated/seen by these cold, misguided individuals.' 
Oh yes! I am so familiar with this feeling Candywarhol. It is completely irrational isn't it?!

'I have been told so many times.....that I was just lucky.......and that I was selfish.....'
I think we grew up in the same family!

It helps so much to know that I am not alone, although it is so sad that there are so many people like us suffering in simialr ways.
Thank you both for replying.



You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm - anonymous.

Part of my story: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=54885.msg488293#msg488293
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=54892.msg488385#msg488385

NC uPDM; NC uBPDSis

*

Candywarhol

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 88
Re: Younger sister, also GC
« Reply #4 on: June 03, 2016, 05:26:20 AM »
Have a lovely weekend.  :bighug:

*

Lillith65

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 307
Re: Younger sister, also GC
« Reply #5 on: June 03, 2016, 11:49:05 AM »
You too  :) :) :)
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm - anonymous.

Part of my story: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=54885.msg488293#msg488293
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=54892.msg488385#msg488385

NC uPDM; NC uBPDSis