New member. Friend with BPD. What's all this about?

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popsicle

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New member. Friend with BPD. What's all this about?
« on: June 08, 2016, 07:23:44 AM »
My former best friend with BPD replaced me some time ago, not before acting out in some crazy ways as I had begun putting boundaries in place and distancing myself.  I needed some breathing space.  Whilst I did not intend to "abandon" her, I just had other things happening in my life, and I was exhausted with her intensity at that time.  I also needed time to sort out what the hell was going on with her.  I was deep in FOG.

Once I realized she had found a new "bestie" to obsess over, I accepted it then began to really focus on myself.  It was incredibly hurtful to think I was used up then thrown away like trash when she sensed I was "abandoning" her and latched onto someone new.  I do miss her at times, and sometimes find myself confused by some of the behavior, but, I try not to dwell on it :)

To elaborate on the confusing behavior a little - even though she has attached herself to someone else, she was sending in some "flying monkeys" (I'm only learning about "flying monkeys" now) to put a guilt trip on me i.e. she's struggling, she's sad, she misses you, etc. in order for me to go back to her. 

We never had a falling out as such, and there hasn't been a formal end to the friendship.  Last time we saw each other she was loving and a little clingy.  We have not spoken for a couple of months, and not seen each other for longer than that.   

I have received a lot of Facebook friend requests from fake accounts since she started latching onto the new "bestie" - some even befriend my friends first before sending me a request.   There is a heap of snooping going on.  And now the online craziness has increased i.e. trying to hack into accounts, skype requests, plus more.  I've locked down privacy where I can and closed accounts that I do not need.

Has anyone else experienced this?  I guess I am looking for a little clarity on why she would be doing all this covert stuff instead of just sending me a message to say hello, if it's contact she wants.

Thanks for reading.  Appreciate any insight into this.


   



 

 
« Last Edit: June 08, 2016, 07:40:05 AM by popsicle »

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clara

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Re: New member. Friend with BPD. What's all this about?
« Reply #1 on: June 09, 2016, 01:11:15 PM »
I, too, had a NPD/BPD "best friend" who I knew for almost 15 years.  We had arguments off and on for years, during which he'd go NC for a period of time, sometimes months--ignoring my e-mails or not answering my calls, basically controlling the situation until he was good and ready to be friends again.  And then, he'd somehow blame me for hurting or upsetting him in some way, finding it in the most petty thing, in order to make me feel guilty for having driven him away.  Of course he cared about me!  He loved me like a sister!  How could I treat him so bad!  The thing is, he was never a "friend" in a real sense of the word.  Our friendship revolved entirely around him, and he had no real interest in me despite pretending that he was.  For example, if I was talking about something I'd done, he'd listen to the point where he could jump in and return the conversation to himself.  Usually I could never get through a complete thought without him hijacking it.  And if he needed something, he expected me to be there for him, but he resisted doing anything for me and always had an excuse as to why he couldn't do it.  He never offered to help me in any way but almost expected it from me.  The relationship was entirely one sided, and I was willing to go along with it because, after all, we were "best friends."  If ever I started to doubt or criticize him for his behavior he'd go through the pulling-you-back-in motions, telling me how much he cared about me, loved me, needed me in his life etc.  One time he went NC with me because he'd found another "friend" who he was courting.  This was the first time he'd done something like that (pushing me aside for someone else) and it hurt because whenever I talked with him, he'd go on and on about this new friend.  In fact, one time when I came to visit him (he lived in another town) he invited this new friend to hang around with us the entire time so I never got a chance to really talk to him.  In reality, he didn't give two s**ts about this woman.  He was interested in her brother, and was hoping to get to know the brother through her!  When it didn't work out, he dumped her and went back to being my "best friend" but by then I was wary of him and coming "Out of the FOG".

Then came the day he found an even bigger sucker.  Since I wasn't willing to help him materially (he was perfectly capable of taking care of himself and lied more than once about money), when he found someone who was, he latched on quickly and refuses to let go.  The new "friend" is an elderly man who's lonely, a widower, supposedly estranged from his children (something I guarantee my former friend is encouraging) etc. so just the type of person my old friend would be attracted to.  Once this happened, he started having less and less to do with me, always finding excuses for not being available or not having time.  He would still do something with me now and again but only if I suggested it.  His NC periods were lasting longer and longer, and finally I got sick of him.  I went full NC contact with him, and it's been over 9 months now.  He's made no attempt to contact me, but I assume he will as soon as he needs something.  But the interesting thing is, in the past when HE went NC, I was always the one to initiate contact.  Now that I'M NC, he's making no attempt.  It just goes to show how "real" our relationship was, and how much he really cared for me.  He only cared when I was doing something for him, or being there to listen to his crap. 

So far he hasn't pulled any "tricks" on me to get back at me for going NC, but I know he's capable of it.  I've seen how vindictive he can be towards others who've tired of his nonsense.  He's even gone so far as to make legal threats against people he's felt have wronged him!  I think your course of action has been the correct one.  There's nothing wrong in being friendly with her if you happen to meet her, but don't let her pull you back into her life because the situation will never change unless she's willing to admit to her behavior and do something about it, which apparently is rare for PDs to do.  Evaluate what you got out of the relationship.  Likely there were a lot more minuses than pluses! 

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popsicle

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Re: New member. Friend with BPD. What's all this about?
« Reply #2 on: June 09, 2016, 02:03:52 PM »
Clara, thanks so much for replying.

The "sucker" mine has latched onto is also a loner, and the kind of person that won't say anything in order to not "rock the boat".  That will suit the pwBPD perfectly.  Until the next shiny person catches her eye.

Another odd thing about mine is that she never mentioned her "bestie" to me - there wasn't any "rubbing it in my face" times at all.  When I approached her about being withdrawn and not talking to me at one point, she said that she wasn't talking to anyone anymore.  She has always kept the friendship with the "bestie" away from me.  She also told me another time that she "doesn't see anyone anymore"!  Weird because I've crossed paths with her when they have been together, so she knows that I know they hang out. 

I believe she may have been controlling things the last few times we messaged each other (I initiated).  She was friendly and always replied, but there were some delays when she used to reply fairly quickly.  Then she would just stop and not continue on with the conversation.  I thought I could handle things by keeping in touch every so often as well as maintaining a healthy distance, but I don't think I can.  So I stopped and that's when the latest online stuff has happened.


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clara

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Re: New member. Friend with BPD. What's all this about?
« Reply #3 on: June 10, 2016, 11:48:18 AM »
Sounds like she wants to keep you "on the line" just in case things don't work out with the new "friend."  NPB/BPD types are good at lying and often quite practiced at it.  Take everything with a grain of salt and beware of being pulled back in.  The tactics they use to do so can be quite impressive.  What got to me about my ex-friend is how he'd denigrate those new "friends" of his when talking with me.  When he finally broke it off with the woman, he made noises about how demanding she was becoming, about how she was making bad relationships choices that he couldn't approve of etc.  With his new friend, last time I saw him he started complaining about the guy, saying the guy always wanted to be around and was a nuisance.  Yet, the ex is sticking with him because the possibility of reward is too great.  He stuck with the woman as well, until he found a new relationship and no longer needed his excuse to be with her because of her brother!  What I found amusing is how he never seemed to realize how he was coming off to ME with these comments.  I can only imagine what he said about me to these people.  The behavior was all self-serving yet he seemed to think I wouldn't notice.  Really insane.

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popsicle

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Re: New member. Friend with BPD. What's all this about?
« Reply #4 on: June 10, 2016, 01:21:20 PM »
Sounds like she wants to keep you "on the line" just in case things don't work out with the new "friend."  NPB/BPD types are good at lying and often quite practiced at it.  Take everything with a grain of salt and beware of being pulled back in.  The tactics they use to do so can be quite impressive. 

Oh I didn't even think about that.  Yeah that adds up.  The whole thing was just so strange as well as confusing.  All "appears" to be going well with them, and has been for quite a while now.  She is still heavily mirroring the "besties" hobbies, so I can only assume everything is good and her needs are being met. 

Her pattern has definitely been to pull me back in many times in the past, but I'm not sure if that will happen again now.  To me, she seems too invested in the "bestie" to try and pull me back.  I have also changed direction in my life, so our paths no longer physically cross.  We still have mutual friends, but I am laying low where they are concerned, so as not to get dragged into anything.     

It sounds like yours was quite draining!  Mine always talked badly of people.  I expected to hear things that mine has said about me, but there has been nothing at all.  A mutual friend of ours said she wouldn't dare say anything about me because she wouldn't want me to "walk for good".  Perhaps that is the reason, I'm not sure.  I'm an acquaintance of one of the girls in the group of friends the BPD is hanging out with, and she hasn't been any different to me at all, so I gather there has been no "bitc%ing" to the group about me.  Really though... I don't particularly care whether she's said anything about me or not.  That's on her, not me :) 

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clara

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Re: New member. Friend with BPD. What's all this about?
« Reply #5 on: June 11, 2016, 11:34:02 AM »
Your "mirroring" comment really struck me.  That is EXACTLY what my former friend did.  I noticed it repeatedly but have mostly forgotten that weird habit.   If I had an opinion that was contradictory to his, most of the time he would almost immediately change his opinion to reflect mine.  It got to the point where I could never tell exactly what his true feelings about anything were.  But now I see it as a desire to "please me" in order to remain friends.  It was another form of manipulation and thus control of the relationship.  The "telling" point about the truth would come if he couldn't change his opinion (because it was a more strongly held view) and he would react to this dilemma by getting angry.  When I look back, almost nothing about the relationship was normal, which reminds me of why there's no point in ever trying to go back.  While I miss some of the fun things we used to do, the baggage surrounding it are in no way worth it.  He'll never change, and he'll continue to go through relationships like Kleenex.  The cost is always paid by the other person, never him.  Nope, no going back!

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moglow

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Re: New member. Friend with BPD. What's all this about?
« Reply #6 on: June 11, 2016, 12:00:58 PM »
Popsicle, what you describe isn't unusual unfortunately. She sounds very much like my mother, who apparently can have one friend at the time. She will completely blank you out of her life -often by creating a huge dramatic exit with lots of accusations of how badly you treated her- while she's with new friend. When there's a falling out or that person let's her down (and everyone does eventually) mother comes back around as if all is right with the world. Thankfully mother isn't at all tech savvy and doesn't have stalker mechanisms like that in place. If she were, I guarantee I'd be dealing with all of the above.

What you do is decide if this supposed friendship is worth it or if it's just an annoying habit. If you want answers or want to try and reestablish the friendship, ask her about it. Call and ask how she's doing. You're not likely to get real answers and she'll likely deny the apparent stalking tactics, but it would let her know you see through it. Or you could ignore it, not respond in any way, keep blocking her wherever she appears.
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.  ~ Cap'n Spanky

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popsicle

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Re: New member. Friend with BPD. What's all this about?
« Reply #7 on: June 11, 2016, 12:22:44 PM »
Popsicle, what you describe isn't unusual unfortunately. She sounds very much like my mother, who apparently can have one friend at the time. She will completely blank you out of her life -often by creating a huge dramatic exit with lots of accusations of how badly you treated her- while she's with new friend. When there's a falling out or that person let's her down (and everyone does eventually) mother comes back around as if all is right with the world.

Thanks for your comment moglow.  I appreciate it :)

I understand that their relationships all end eventually, but I'm struggling with that at the moment as all appears to be going smoothly.  From the outside, anyway!  I'm feeling like crap and have been questioning myself even though I know I shouldn't.  I really don't want to go through this again, so I won't allow her back in my life.  It's too painful.  Besides, I'd be waiting for her to disappear again.  That's no friendship.   

I look forward to the day when none of this bothers me anymore :)


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popsicle

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Re: New member. Friend with BPD. What's all this about?
« Reply #8 on: June 11, 2016, 12:26:15 PM »
But now I see it as a desire to "please me" in order to remain friends.  It was another form of manipulation and thus control of the relationship. 

Yes!  That's exactly it.  I must remember this ;D  Thanks Clara!

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moglow

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Re: New member. Friend with BPD. What's all this about?
« Reply #9 on: June 11, 2016, 12:29:57 PM »
What you have to accept (and I struggle with most of the damn time), is that it's not personal. It's her struggle even if she never admits it as such. She likely sees nothing wrong with it and would be amazed/appalled if you called her on it. Then denial. Excuses. Tantrums. Drama.

But remember: It's not your fault. You didn't cause it, can't control it,  can't change it. You do you, and let her do whatever. Try to not let it hurt you. I know that's easier said than done. :hug:
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.  ~ Cap'n Spanky

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popsicle

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Re: New member. Friend with BPD. What's all this about?
« Reply #10 on: June 11, 2016, 12:43:23 PM »
Thanks moglow.  That really helps :hug:

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Frazzled

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Re: New member. Friend with BPD. What's all this about?
« Reply #11 on: June 14, 2016, 10:27:33 AM »
My former best friend with BPD replaced me some time ago, not before acting out in some crazy ways as I had begun putting boundaries in place and distancing myself.  I needed some breathing space.  Whilst I did not intend to "abandon" her, I just had other things happening in my life, and I was exhausted with her intensity at that time.  I also needed time to sort out what the hell was going on with her.  I was deep in FOG.

Once I realized she had found a new "bestie" to obsess over, I accepted it then began to really focus on myself.  It was incredibly hurtful to think I was used up then thrown away like trash when she sensed I was "abandoning" her and latched onto someone new.  I do miss her at times, and sometimes find myself confused by some of the behavior, but, I try not to dwell on it :)

To elaborate on the confusing behavior a little - even though she has attached herself to someone else, she was sending in some "flying monkeys" (I'm only learning about "flying monkeys" now) to put a guilt trip on me i.e. she's struggling, she's sad, she misses you, etc. in order for me to go back to her. 

We never had a falling out as such, and there hasn't been a formal end to the friendship.  Last time we saw each other she was loving and a little clingy.  We have not spoken for a couple of months, and not seen each other for longer than that.   

I have received a lot of Facebook friend requests from fake accounts since she started latching onto the new "bestie" - some even befriend my friends first before sending me a request.   There is a heap of snooping going on.  And now the online craziness has increased i.e. trying to hack into accounts, skype requests, plus more.  I've locked down privacy where I can and closed accounts that I do not need.

Has anyone else experienced this?  I guess I am looking for a little clarity on why she would be doing all this covert stuff instead of just sending me a message to say hello, if it's contact she wants.

Thanks for reading.  Appreciate any insight into this.

I too had a uBPD "friend" who I later found out wasn't really a friend. After a polite request to be left alone, the result was a series of angry emails, so I knew if I wanted him to leave me alone, I have to take action myself. Blocked his Facebook, blocked his phone number, blocked his instant messages, and if he emails me again, I will block him there too.

I also found out he was fired yet again, after throwing keys on the floor of a company car and sending hate mail to coworkers. So there goes the remote possibility of him getting diagnosed.

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popsicle

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Re: New member. Friend with BPD. What's all this about?
« Reply #12 on: June 21, 2016, 02:57:15 AM »
I too had a uBPD "friend" who I later found out wasn't really a friend. After a polite request to be left alone, the result was a series of angry emails, so I knew if I wanted him to leave me alone, I have to take action myself. Blocked his Facebook, blocked his phone number, blocked his instant messages, and if he emails me again, I will block him there too.

I also found out he was fired yet again, after throwing keys on the floor of a company car and sending hate mail to coworkers. So there goes the remote possibility of him getting diagnosed.

Thanks Frazzled.  He doesn't sound like a very nice person!  Hope he stays away from you :)

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SummerStorm

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Re: New member. Friend with BPD. What's all this about?
« Reply #13 on: June 21, 2016, 05:08:26 PM »
Hi popsicle,

Well, welcome to the world of being friends with a pwBPD.   I've gone through the same thing you've gone through.  I was her best friend, she told everyone I was her best friend, etc.  Then, I was cut out of her life, and she had a new best friend.  Well, actually, it was an old friend who got bumped up to best friend status.   But in the past two years, she's had too many "best friends" to count. 

And when she has a boyfriend whom she's "so in love with" and is idealizing like crazy, forget about it.  I won't hear from her at all.  But as soon as the breakup happens, I get texts about how she misses me and wants to hang out.  But she always wants to hang out right then and there, and I have plans, so I have to say "no," and then I don't hear from her for a while.  I haven't even seen her for over a year.  And while it's perfectly fine for her to text me out of the blue every couple of months and tell me she misses me, when I tell her I miss her, I get no reply. 

And when she doesn't talk to me for weeks, it's always because it's my fault for some reason.  Yesterday, she told me that I can talk to her if I can act like a "normal person," even though she's the one who had absolutely zero to say to me when I sent her a picture of my diploma from grad school.  Everyone else was congratulating me on it, and she said nothing.  But I'm the one who isn't normal. 

I've completely given up on talking to her or seeing her, at least while she's with the guy she's dating now.  Three months in, with a break in the middle where she was sleeping with her ex for two weeks, and she's already practically living with him. 

Some others mentioned mirroring.  I see it all the time.  When she's with her boyfriend, she acts and dresses a certain way.  When she's with her pothead friend, she acts and dresses a completely different way.  She is an absolute chameleon. 

Basically, my point is that a friendship with a pwBPD really isn't a friendship at all.   She's currently not causing any real conflict in my life, so I have no real reason to cut her out of my life, but if I were drowning and needed someone to save me, I also wouldn't call her first, even if she were 10 feet away.

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popsicle

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Re: New member. Friend with BPD. What's all this about?
« Reply #14 on: June 22, 2016, 06:42:18 AM »
Basically, my point is that a friendship with a pwBPD really isn't a friendship at all.   

Thanks SummerStorm.  I needed to hear that :)  Must remind myself of that during times when I miss her and the friendship I thought we had. 

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bopper

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Re: New member. Friend with BPD. What's all this about?
« Reply #15 on: June 23, 2016, 03:32:18 PM »
Maybe think of it this way...it is not that you were thrown away like trash..,..But that you were a buoy anchored in her area and she desperately clung to you.   You realized you did not need to be anchored near her....and she immediately clung to the next thing (person) that came by. Think of her as a barnacle...something that steadily grows and drags you down.
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
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popsicle

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Re: New member. Friend with BPD. What's all this about?
« Reply #16 on: June 23, 2016, 05:22:45 PM »
Maybe think of it this way...it is not that you were thrown away like trash..,..But that you were a buoy anchored in her area and she desperately clung to you.   You realized you did not need to be anchored near her....and she immediately clung to the next thing (person) that came by. Think of her as a barnacle...something that steadily grows and drags you down.

Oh thanks bopper.  That analogy definitely helps.  I did feel like I was drowning A LOT when we were close, sometimes even felt I needed time out to catch my breath lol  I did see her cling onto the new best friend - it was much easier for me to spot as I was an outsider looking in, rather than being that buoy for her whilst in a state of confusion.