Marriage Much Better - Now, Stepkid Problems

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Marriage Much Better - Now, Stepkid Problems
« on: June 16, 2016, 01:02:22 PM »
I have not posted here in some time. My W and I (same sex) are about to celebrate two years of marriage. Earlier this year, with the help of IC, I told my W if she didn't get therapy to address her NPD/BPD behaviors I would divorce her. Much to my delight and surprise, my W took me seriously and got into therapy. Since then, things between the two of us have been MUCH better. She doesn't curse me out,  use physical intimidation, or harangue me when we argue. And our arguments don't escalate like they did before, either. I am guardedly optimistic that I might be one of the lucky ones whose spouse was willing to get help and stick with it. My own therapy has helped as well. I am now much more aware of what I bring to the party and how I contributed to the dysfunction in our M.

Last time I posted my W had just been dx'd with cancer. She had surgery and the cancer was completely removed. No spread. She is now cancer free for 1.5 years. We are very lucky there as well.

However, we are now having serious issues with my W's two children from her previous (straight) marriage. My W, being an untreated NPD/BPD parent most of their lives, obviously was winning no Mother of the Year awards to put it lightly. She abused and neglected her sons in their younger years. And as a result, now that they are teens, neither want anyhing to do with her. We haven't seen them in months. This is, perhaps, understandable and logical fallout from being raised by a parent with a PD. They are entitled to their anger, but as I posted before, the elder child is driven by more than his anger at an abusive parent. I strongly suspect that he has inherited his mom's PD.

He is 15, soon to be 16, and the size of an NFL linebacker. He uses his size to intimidate and bully others, always has. I have been in his life since he turned 13. I had a good relationship with him until this spring when I argued for him to be psychicatrically hospitalized due to acting out behaviors. His younger sibling called my W and me begging for our help because elder stepson was beating up their father. We did the only thing we could do living apart from them, we called the police. As a result he was hospitalized.

He blames others for his actions, is (IMHO) unacceptably disrespectful (curses constantly, refuses to do what anyone asks, his way or the highway) and will not take any accountability. I am now the devil along with my W who has been the devil for years in his eyes. He hasn't spoken to me since April. He cannot accept any responsibility or accountability for his actions, which include strangling his mother (my W), beating up his father and terrifying his brother to the point where he barricaded his room with every piece of furniture he could find in order to prevent the elder child from barging in and wreaking havoc.

My W and her ex made excuses for him in his younger years as he has his good points as well but he has always been disturbed. He has been in therapy pretty much consistently since the age of 10 and it has made no difference. My W says that he was flagged by his preschool as being in need of help at the age of 3 when he wouldn't follow directions there. The pattern has continued. If he is held accountable to anything - even something as simple as turning in his homework - he either shuts down and becomes a quivering, weeping ball of anxiety, or lashes out in rages which include physical violence against others. Either way he avoids the discomfort - and tremendous personal growth - of taking responsibility.

He needs help. He has received, and is currently receiving, help. He has two therapists! But he isn't open to it, will not talk to anyone and wants to live in fantasyland where everything is provided to him and he doesn't have to lift a finger in effort. His father allows him to do so. Eldest child has no goal in life. He and his brother both live with their father who enforces no discipline, is the quintessential beta male. Eldest stepson is the alpha in the household.

I love the kid despite my rage at how he is acting/is being enabled to act by his father. And of course I am open to anything which may improve the situation. But I am more clear eyed about it than my W because he isn't mine. He is a time bomb. He's already attacked my wife and injured her in the past. I have told my W that until this situation improves considerably he is not welcome in our home, because I do not trust that he won't become violent again. At 6'5" and 250 pounds he is very strong. (I am a woman by the way, and a small one at that. I'd need a weapon to subdue him.) My W has told me in the past that she is fearful of him and has had premonitions that one day he will murder her. Of course knowing this, I'm not about to allow this manchild an opportunity to do just that.

As a stepparent I am told repeatedly to stay out of the situation, it isn't my business, and I agree with that to a large extent but I really resent the chaos this is causing, and I mourn the lost opportunity to turn this kid into a decent human being with proper raising. And one can't deny that there is a safety issue here not only for my W but also potentially for myself. 

« Last Edit: June 16, 2016, 01:11:04 PM by cult »