The friend who makes their emotional state...everyone else's job to fix!!!!

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Arya

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Vent. I have a friend....maybe I should reevaluate that if they really are a " friend"!!!!

Few years ago they went thru major illness,hate to say it but, they were in therapy and meds to help cope....and our friendship deepened, this person was a really great friend I valued very much.

However, once the health crisis passed, they let the meds go, let the therapy go...and started to become a person I wasn't sure I liked much.

They have a thing about saying " you can't say XYZ...You Cant tell me XyZ...I can't hear XYZ" because it upsets them. And it's not like using bad language, saying awful things....it's just things this person doesn't want to hear.

Examples:

you can't tell me I should take my pet to a vet even though I just called you describing a illness...and you're upsetting me, I can't hear this.

You can't tell me you had a bad experience at my fav place because it's my fav place ....and you're upsetting me, I can't hear this.

You can't tell me you don't trust so and do because I have to trust them, so I can't hear your experience/ reason for not trusting them....and you're upsetting me, I can't hear this.

You can't disagree w what so and so said to do, because so and so said to do it...and you're upsetting me, I can't hear this.

Once, 2 people were having convo other side of room from here, with each other not her, and she told them they couldn't have that conversation near her...because it was upsetting to her.


!!!!! This friend has always been....on the self absorbed side, but, it used to be more...toned down, and Also for self aware of when it would happen, w sense of humor about it... it wasn't off putting like it is now. I think...and i really hate to say it because it sounds shitty...when she was in meds, in therapy...was a better person, better friend.

It drives me nuts also because....you get made to feel like you've done something bad/ mean by....
Saying something that upsets her. Im left thinking......pretty much everything about interacting w you nowadays upsets me but im just not calling you and walking away....why the heck are you making it everyone's job to police their words/ thoughts not to upset you??????  There's no agree to disagree or just listening to a friend....reciprocity even though what's of interest to them isn't hugely of interest to you right that minute.

It's also really weird because.....this person is first person to tell me about personality disorders and that she thought my mom could be a PD. I guess that's a big reason I've hung onto the friendship....but, seems like might have passed its sell by date :flat:

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clara

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Had a friend who, while I'm pretty sure didn't have a PD (she was kind of narcissistic but not NPD), still had something odd about her where she could never deal with anything negative.  So she'd happily waste your time complaining about everything wrong in her life but refused to take any advise.  The negative could only be on HER side.  If you offered a suggestion, she'd read it as negative on YOUR side and therefore not to be acknowledged.  Or, she'd acknowledge it but then dismiss it.  So no matter what you said, you could never offer a solution because it seemed she really didn't want a solution, she wanted the ability to keep complaining.  She had an outlook on life that was entirely composed of the idea that her life was shitty and a mess and yet there was nothing you could do about it because if you tried to give her some advice or guidance it would either annoy her or fall on deaf ears, so it was a perfect catch-22.  I finally got tired of being around her, with every encounter turning into a therapy session, and started avoiding her as much as possible.  In a way I felt bad but in another...not really!

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thebutcher

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Had a friend who, while I'm pretty sure didn't have a PD (she was kind of narcissistic but not NPD), still had something odd about her where she could never deal with anything negative.  So she'd happily waste your time complaining about everything wrong in her life but refused to take any advise.  The negative could only be on HER side.  If you offered a suggestion, she'd read it as negative on YOUR side and therefore not to be acknowledged.  Or, she'd acknowledge it but then dismiss it.  So no matter what you said, you could never offer a solution because it seemed she really didn't want a solution, she wanted the ability to keep complaining.  She had an outlook on life that was entirely composed of the idea that her life was shitty and a mess and yet there was nothing you could do about it because if you tried to give her some advice or guidance it would either annoy her or fall on deaf ears, so it was a perfect catch-22.  I finally got tired of being around her, with every encounter turning into a therapy session, and started avoiding her as much as possible.  In a way I felt bad but in another...not really!

Yeah sounds like my ex.  She'd get angry with me for any support/advice/encouragement I would try to give her, so I figured she must want a passive ear to vent to.  But then she'd get angry for me not giving her support/advice/encouragement.  It was so suffocating and emotionally draining that I would eventually lose my temper with her, which to her came out of nowhere and was totally unjustified.  I mean, it was unjustified to raise my voice, but no matter how many times I explained how I became unable to regulate my emotions after being dumped on all day, she heard this as a "You're Bad" attack.

I broke up with her because of this ongoing pattern.  It destroyed the relationship.

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clara

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People with PDs seem to use others as dumping grounds.  As if you're just there to "take it" while they deliver then calmly walk away.  I had another friend with severe NPD and he showed a similar trait--always wanting to complain about how hard his life was, exaggerating all of his problems in order to get me to listen and feel sympathy, while taking NO advice I would give.  I actually made the mistake of thinking that the complaining these people were doing was a way of seeking advice when in reality they didn't want advice, they just wanted to complain and remain mired in their problems (real or imagined) so they could continue to complain etc.   And it seemed the more attention they got, the worse it got.  One of the things I noticed with the female friend was how she'd be quiet and say almost nothing when other people were around.  It was as if she didn't know what to say unless she was complaining or talking about her various emotional states.  It starts to seem like abuse when you're in this no-win situation.  And I gave up early on trying to talk about anything going on in MY life.  I already knew it wouldn't be listened to or taken seriously.  So, what kind of relationship is that?!  Not one worth staying in, that's for sure.

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Arya

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Oh yeah....the friend I posted about does that as well. Will call you and specifically ask what you think about something......and then whatever you respond with gets 50 reasons why its not so, or, the "you can't say that it upsets me, you can't say that to me, I can't hear that."

It's not at all like normal, say you friend suggests xyz, but you already tried it, it's too expensive, already tried that ..whatever, and you tell them that not as a sport to shoot them down, you actually appreciate the suggestion, sat so, and politely indicate why you already tried it blah blah. You know what I mean? I think when they do that  bait looming for your advice...it's strictly a game to give them stuff to get off on shooting down.... :roll:

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Arya

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I just realized...duh....the behavior is a "mind reading expectation". They feel others should know/ anticipate what they need.

Last convo I had w my friend she was asking what i thought of a academic situation...i answered with detail thinking she was actually asking me a question...expecting a answer, like, a real answer with facts.

In retrospect what she wanted was " oooohs, wow, yeah that's sooooooooo difficult, wooooow, how will you ever manage, oh poor you! Poor you!

I daftly answered with a " well, I think xyz is what's happening, I think you cN pdq and it'll work."

I mean, sure people want to express stress, worry, how uneasant something in their life is and just vent get some emotional support by ...I dunno, personally I think healthier people say " I'm upset can I talk to you about it? Can I vent to you about this? I'm emotional, need a friend can we talk, hang out etc...."

Healthier people don't bait and switch pretending the convo is about one thing, but really after something else...and then pitching fits when the other person hasn't mind read that.


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arynne

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When your friend says, "you can't say XYZ...You Cant tell me XyZ...," you might point out that that is factually incorrect. You can (and just did) say what you said, and you can say whatever you want going forward.

She controls what she shares with you.

And you control your response - your thoughts, your speech, your actions.

She has no right to expect to control you. You are not a marionette.

And telling her that is you vocalizing your boundaries. If she insists on crossing your boundaries, she is not treating you as a human. She is treating you as a comfort Object. And she gets mad when you, her "ball", doesn't bounce like she wants you to.

Well, you're not a toy. You're a person. You continue to exist when she goes away. And for her to try to govern your speech is a sign that she is not thinking of you as anything more than a prop on the set of her life.

That's like a wet fish in the face.

And you owe her nothing. You do not have to tolerate Objectification. That is NOT part of friendship.

And if she insists on treating you like an Object, you can choose to roll away. That is your right as a human.

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Arya

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Yes I agree. The "comfort object" is a good way to put it. Kinda like that trope " manic pixie dream girl". You're supposed to be this delightful entertaining object to make them feel better...without an internal world of your own.

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LeeJane

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Oh my, it sounds very hard exhausting work to be with this friend.