Why are some familymembers blind to whats going on of dysfunctional behavior?

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SPinSC

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My 3 siblings know how mom is

This right here, even to the wording is, to me, the biggest clue. The siblings who toe the line are not stupid, and sometimes not a part of the bad system (though many are). They have simply resigned themselves to the 'Well, that's Mom for you' mentality. I won't even say it's wrong, when you consider that many PD's simply will NOT be changed.

It is frustrating, though, to state my defense against getting enmeshed with our mother AGAIN, now that I'm free of her FOG, only to have them tell me I should anyway. Because, after all, 'Mom is Mom, she's still our mother!' Usually, they wanted me involved in her daily life so they wouldn't have to try. I'm the only one who still lives in town. Yes, I care about the woman, but that is NOT a reason to get me embroiled in her chaos! I will check on her, make sure she's ok, but after the decade she and I have had, I will not spend a dime on her, unless I volunteer it. I will not be told by wealthier, more distant siblings that it's my duty.

Oh, since I stopped being the local enmeshed one, they've all stopped communicating with me, for the most part. All because I wouldn't let them push me into enmeshment with, 'But, that's just Mom being Mom, Spin, you have to overlook that!' Um, no I don't. And if the price for refusal is expulsion from the family, then fine. I'll still love them all, but I will NOT (how does my quote go...) be a hostage to being a nice person.

They see it, they acknowledge it, they may even understand that. But their loyalty to the IDEA of parenthood and their IDEA of what it means to be a good child drives them to excuse it away. When I questioned this once in my 20's, I was told that every family is dysfunctional - that's NORMAL. I'd never find a perfect family (though I had seen plenty of good examples around me), so stop being so harsh towards my own. Yeah, and they sit in judgment of me because I don't toe the family line.
I choose this day to rise up and be my best self, not succumbing to that which I sense is inside me, trying to drag me down.

Love is an action verb. You will know if it is genuine by the actions that support it, not by the frequency of the spoken words.

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all4peace

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Here's an explanatory paragraph: "Even the adult children of narcissists are crap at identifying unhealthy behaviour in others. That internal barometer which allows us all to gauge the appropriateness of someone’s behaviour has been meddled with if your mum is a narcissist. The adult child of a NPD MIL will see abusive and untrustworthy behaviour as normal. They do not get red flags flying up in their faces the same way that an adult with a healthy mum would. They can pass this unnatural leniency onto their kids. If dad or mum accept grandma being rude and obnoxious then the kids will grow up seeing that as normal and not the warning signs of a jerk."

from: https://narcissisticmil.wordpress.com/2015/07/24/grandparent-grooming-2-how-to-fight-it/

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NewFreedom

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Thank you so much! Yes I have head of a theory similar to the Family Systems Theory you mentioned. But I don't understand it in my guts. I do understand the mechanisms and this is helpfull to get the behavior. But its like observing a group of lions, and my perspective is at them, from outside.
I don't feel tuned to this system/behavior myself though. I believe in mutual respect in relations, one to one. - And how the group has the responsibility to single out abusive behavior and help.

But it does help to grasp the hole thing and to get at view on the links - and then it can give you some peace of mind. To undersand it on this level.

Yes, I agree with you. It's a theory, but when you apply it to your own situation it's not like it makes it better... or easier to accept. I think it also has a lot to do with different personality types as well. I have a sibling who is very non-confrontational and would rather keep the peace in all situations vs. being bold or standing up for herself. I don't get it, but it's just who she is. She is the one who still believes the NPD sibling and feels bad for her! She believes the NPD sibling's victimhood. It drives me crazy, especially because in our private conversations, she agrees with me and she KNOWS how the NPD sibling is and she is hurt by her.

It's so very frustrating, as I know you understand.

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hope2016

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Yes it is. And it is okay to admit that. I think that if you can admit this, "the frustration", and achnolidge it - and then let go of the anger... I hope things will start to clear up. Inside 

Thank you so much! Yes I have head of a theory similar to the Family Systems Theory you mentioned. But I don't understand it in my guts. I do understand the mechanisms and this is helpfull to get the behavior. But its like observing a group of lions, and my perspective is at them, from outside.
I don't feel tuned to this system/behavior myself though. I believe in mutual respect in relations, one to one. - And how the group has the responsibility to single out abusive behavior and help.

But it does help to grasp the hole thing and to get at view on the links - and then it can give you some peace of mind. To undersand it on this level.

Yes, I agree with you. It's a theory, but when you apply it to your own situation it's not like it makes it better... or easier to accept. I think it also has a lot to do with different personality types as well. I have a sibling who is very non-confrontational and would rather keep the peace in all situations vs. being bold or standing up for herself. I don't get it, but it's just who she is. She is the one who still believes the NPD sibling and feels bad for her! She believes the NPD sibling's victimhood. It drives me crazy, especially because in our private conversations, she agrees with me and she KNOWS how the NPD sibling is and she is hurt by her.

It's so very frustrating, as I know you understand.

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Freesailor

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This is a very interesting topic.  I didn't realise how bad things were until I got out of the house and moved out of state.  I know I was completely blind.  For me it was years of emotional beat downs.  I still have ptsd and can't handle confrontations.  I wish I had the power to fight.

 My wife often says that for some people it's easier to live in the hell you know then fight like hell to get to somewhere you don't know.  That is exactly where my sibling are that are still in the FOG.  Getting out comes with uncertainty.  Facing the truth comes with uncertainty.   It's especially hard when your still in it and the NPD makes you doubt your own thoughts.  Having been there I can see why.  Having gotten out I also understand the frustration of seeing siblings still in. I want to save them and stop the pain.  I don't know if that's a good idea.   I'm starting to think it would be a fruitless effort.   

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bopper

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alonenow--you nailed one that I'd forgotten--they RELY on the system. If the gcSIL fully admitted how bad her sister and mother are, she would lose her built-in childcare and actually have to care for her kids full time. That is not an option for her. She has acknowledged to me how critical, judgmental, unkind and awful her mother is, and this mother takes care of her children constantly. If she truly admitted the full extent of her mother's dysfunction, she couldn't simultaneously pretend to be a good mother herself and allow her children so much contact with this person.
Cognitive DIssonance...when there are two conflicting ideas (My mother is awful; My mother raises my kids) people just latch on to one of the ideas so lessen the conflict in their mind
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.