Feeling kind of sad - my sisters 50th birthday today - rambling reflection...

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whole hearted

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Today us my uNPD sisters 50th birthday. We've been NC for almost 7 years and despite knowing there is no possibility of a healthy relationship any longer, I still miss her or miss having a sister maybe. We were close for a long time before  she turned on me.

You see, my mother is uNPD and I finally had to go NC with her last year, my older sister is uNPD and so is my younger brother. NPD father died when I was 19. It was a horrible family to grow up in; except I always took care of my younger sister and she seemed to care for me until 7 years ago. At least one brother escaped as did I and we are close and enjoy a great relationship but he lives in another city 4 hours away. I have no contact with anyone else. Even so I hear stories of "how horrible I am" back from anyone who sees them.

I've worked on all of this for a long time and am mostly OK. It's just today I was with my two beautiful grandchildren and my loving daughter. My sister has never seen either child and pointedly doesn't care. It was a lovely day and on the way home I began to feel quite sad. Sad that I have no FOO around me that I can share with or find companionship with. Sad for the waste of it all. Sad because I get lonely for the family warmth and comfort that other friends take for granted.

There will be pictures of the birthday celebrations on social media no doubt. Celebrations I am not welcome at. I grew up as the family scapegoat and days like these tend to stir up the old pain of never feeling wanted, or loved, or of any importance; of being held to blame for every problem; for being rejected, ostracised and abused. My logical mind knows it was never me; I know how scapegoating works. My heart feels sad though.

It will pass; the sun will come up tomorrow and my husband will bring me a cup of tea. One or two of our children will call and I'll remember to be grateful that I survived it all with my own family thriving. I broke the cycle and rejoice in that. But tonight, I still miss my sister and wish.....

Thanks for listening. It helps to get it out.
« Last Edit: June 10, 2016, 10:01:43 AM by zak »

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Candywarhol

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I began to feel quite sad. Sad that I have no FOO around me that I can share with or find companionship with. Sad for the waste of it all. Sad because I get lonely for the family warmth and comfort that other friends take for granted.

There will be pictures of the birthday celebrations on social media no doubt. Celebrations I am not welcome at. I grew up as the family scapegoat and days like these tend to stir up the old pain of never feeling wanted, or loved, or of any importance; of being held to blame for every problem; for being rejected, ostracised and abused. My logical mind knows it was never me; I know how scapegoating works. My heart feels sad though.


I know how you feel, Zak. It's so tough!!
Hope you're feeling better.
Although the feeling better generally tends to be, till the next time.  :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: