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little fish

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« on: June 11, 2016, 05:08:12 AM »
Last year I made a terrible mistake with my oldest sister, I have apologized by text. phone call and in person. But she just went straight into N/C with me, I admit I've mad mistakes with her but not something you'd think would be so bad as to not speak to me for 7/8 months.

I can't just go and have a coffee with her because she lives several states away, I'm going through a really rough time right now with separating from my DH but I've not heard from her at all.
My younger sister must be talking to her quite regularly as when she sent me the last horrendous text message, she had to throw in how ungrateful I am to older sister :(

I have depression brought on by hormones when I had my first DD, my sisters do not like my DH hell both my parents don't like my DH. Younger sisters DH is the golden SIL, my DH isn't a angel but at least he loves me for me, not who my parents are or who my sisters were.

I was a book worm all through school, with a small group of close friends, my oldest sis was the sports star, my youngest was popular.

While my childhood wasn't terrible I know I was never a golden child, my oldest is my parents biological child, my youngest is the baby of the family. She got away with a hell of a lot as a child and I got grounded the first time I did something really wrong (trying my first cigarette).
When my youngest teased me and picked on me I was the one who got into trouble, because she would push me to the edge and I would retaliate and my parents would see only my retaliation :(

Being a sports star was a great achievement for my older sis, I wasn't as active or popular so I was often the target of bullies, or people who manipulate me because I was craving support for being just me not someone's sister :(

I'm not proud of what happened last year and yes I'm sure my sisters feelings were hurt but it was a issue with money I didn't have. It was a special birthday for her and I wanted to go so bad, but unfortunately with two DD's we couldn't afford the flights over, accommodation, meals etc to her state.

I didn't handle it well and I should have told her directly asap, but I felt so bad for first saying yes then saying no, I know the blame should be on me mainly, but when I tried to apologies in my first phone call she was very hostile.

We saw each other the day before Christmas, she was still angry I tried again to apologies again and she pushed me away. Christmas eve my parents, sisters, my BIL, their children were all together at younger sisters house.
I asked if there was anything I could bring to my youngest sister or help with in the morning, she just told me to turn up at the same time everyone else did :(

I did take the food I was asked without making waves (it wasn't cheap either), as soon as I got there my oldest sister hissed at me about my clothes. It was hot I was wearing a dress, unfortunately I didn't realize my wardrobe malfunction. My older sister did she hissed at me to get changed, I drove home upset fixed my clothing then drove back without saying anything.

As soon as I walked in the door my youngest sister told me not to sulk in her house, not on Christmas day. :(
All I did was walk back in the door, all day I was polite to both my sisters despite the bad start.
We faked it, but my Mum knew and got all pissy at me for teasing DH, we just had a funny banter about food or something we were even smiling when we did it.

At one stage my youngest sister snapped at my older sister, I left the room and didn't get involved.
Older sister went missing for a little while, came back all red faced and quiet.
I tried to enjoy myself but it was hard.

I have not spoken to her since, I invited my older sister to our house before she left to see our home, but she made all these excuses not too. :(

So after no contact for 7/8 months from older sis, I call get no where then I get a text saying
 "I'm still hurt thank you for the photos of DD's but what about you?"

So she knew I rang obviously screening her calls, but all I got was a text back.
I now don't know what to do? I have way to much on my plate stress wise to worry about her feelings about something that happened LAST YEAR.

My mother sides with both of my sisters, when I tell her how I feel she just repeats, but you did this, this and this. The last time my younger sister ganged up on me with my mother in front of my father he was hissing at my mother to stop, he could see I was upset.

My youngest DD was with me in public when this happened :(
Do I answer her text? Do I call her? I'm not sure what to do, seems the only support I am getting is from these boards and my DH.
I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence, but it comes from within. It is there all of the time.
Anna Freud



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Re: Rejected
« Reply #1 on: June 11, 2016, 12:00:19 PM »
littlefish - It sounds like you are really hurting from how things have broken down in your relationship with your sisters, but it seems especially your older sister.

You have done what you can - you have apologized, more than once - and you have continued to try and engage your sister and stay connected with her. At some point it might be easier on your heart to let her know you respect she is hurt, have done what you can to make amends, and will leave her be in hopes that your sincere regrets will be the start of rebuilding trust between you and she will contact you when she is ready to do that.

I have an uBPD sib that holds me responsible for something that happened in his life that only he had control over. He and his entire family went N/C with me. It was during a time when his entire life fell apart due to his own choices and very serious issues and I became the scape goat in the narrative he needed to be okay with violent and truly terrible behaviors.

I attempted to speak with him one time and work through things and he refused and said he had nothing to say and never wanted to speak to me again. He refuses to even say hello at extended family gatherings and I do not pursue him. I respect his decision and feelings, but cannot take responsibility for them.

My point is - your sister is responsible for her feelings. You cannot fix or make it better for her, but you can and have taken full responsibility for what you feel is your part in the break down of your relationship. Keep working on your own healing and healthy thinking and responses. Keep moving forward in your journey Out of the FOG. That is what you can do to continue to make amends to someone who does not want contact. (my opinion, of course)

I found peace in fractured relationships I couldn't change by continuing to grow and deal with my fleas and stuff and be ready to forgive and work through issues if my sibling ever decides he is interested and willing to do that. That's what I can do in the situation and it gives me comfort to know I can still move forward even when others reject and cast me aside.

The reality is... it does hurt and I am sorry you are going through this.