GC sister's behaviour toward her children

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Lillith65

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GC sister's behaviour toward her children
« on: June 15, 2016, 12:00:38 PM »
I am trying to get a clearer idea of how my family operates because I often doubt myself. My sister has two children. Over the years this is what I have seen of her behaviour and resulted in my referring her to child protection having failed to get anywhere with her:
Neither child has ever been to the dentist because she (my ?PDS) has a phobia.
Neither child has been vaccinated because ?PDS doesn't see the point.
Both children were left with her partner who used drugs and drank to unconsciousness every day. 
?PDS was the wage earner so it was very difficult but she refused all support or alternative care. Both children had accidents and had to feed themselves from the age of 4 while she was at work. This was when I tried to intervene by talking to her and my parents. When that failed I contacted child protection - having told her that I would because I was concerned for their safety.
Her daughter (B) refused to go to school from 12 and ?PDS did nothing to intervene and lied that she was being home schooled.
B had 17 year old boyfriend when she was 12 who slept in her bed most nights. This went on until she was 16. ?PDS took her to the doctor for the pill at 12 claiming period pain as the reason.
Fortunately B is exceptionally resilient and self motivated. Before I went NC she and I often talked about education and what she could do. (I work in education). She now has high level qualifications and the promise of a good job.
Her son (D) had frequent letters home from school about poor behaviour and work and was frequently absent because he couldn't get out of bed. ?PDS did nothing and blamed the school.
D refused to attend end of year exams and the head of year had to collect him from home to try and salvage something of his education.
D (now 14) was picked up by the police at 2am on a school night for being disruptive and smoking cannabis. ?PDS thought it was funny.
D stays most weekends with his father (drug using and now alcoholic) and often walked home (several miles) because his dad was unconscious.
?PDS new partner is also an alcoholic (high functioning) who sleeps all day and stays up all night. He manages because he is self employed in a very highly paid industry and can work from home.
My parents shake their heads and when I intervened we made a plan together. When my ?PDS got mad they denied that I had talked to them. I was then blamed for 'trying to have her kids put into care' and both children told that and taught to dislike me. They both treat me the same that she did before I went NC: rude and dismissive.
« Last Edit: June 15, 2016, 12:07:43 PM by K8EB »
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm - anonymous.

Part of my story: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=54885.msg488293#msg488293
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=54892.msg488385#msg488385

NC uPDM; NC uBPDSis

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Bloomie

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Re: GC sister's behaviour toward her children
« Reply #1 on: June 15, 2016, 02:28:16 PM »
K8EB - Just WOW! Those kids! What a terribly difficult home life they have had. It seems you have done everything you could possibly do in the circumstances to attempt to rescue them from this harmful, neglectful environment. It also sounds as if there are other mandatory reporters who are in the situation with your nephew currently between school and the law enforcement aspects of his life. He is clearly really struggling.

The lack of basic care - dental, health, and adequate protection for these kids has to have impacted them both deeply. And it seems that your relationship with both of them has been fractured by your sister's smears of you.

I wonder, as I read this, if your sister has some serious alcohol and addiction issues herself? Alongside of a possible PD or mental illness of some kind? I know we cannot diagnose another, but just am wondering with the level of dysfunction you are bearing witness to if there could possibly be a number of things going on with her?

Ultimately, the question of why your parents would enable this behavior and such neglect of their grandchildren is one that I don't think there is an answer to. This kind of multigenerational, enmeshed mess is like a gordian knot that may never be unraveled, I am sad to say.

14 is such a vulnerable age for a young person and we can hope that having been picked up using and disrupting that this cry for help will be heard by those in a position to make a difference in your nephew's life.

I am just so very sorry for you, the truth teller, the one willing to sound an alarm on this and the blow back you have received because of it, and for your niece and nephew who are paying the highest price for all of this. :hug:


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Lillith65

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Re: GC sister's behaviour toward her children
« Reply #2 on: June 15, 2016, 07:55:05 PM »
Thanks Bloomie, being so close and raised in my FOO I often wonder if it is only me who sees something wrong with all of this.
Yes, neither child has anything to do with me and they are fed the same stuff about me that my sister and parents repeat.
I think my sister has some kind of PD and she has taken a lot of pain pills for many years. When she drinks she binges - two bottles of wine etc at the weekend. She, like me has also had depression, an eating disorder and anxiety disorder. She had a breakdown and never returned to work @10 years ago (she's younger than me).
She is totally enmeshed with our parents and although she remembers everything (and more than I do) sees nothing wrong with it. We didn't have black eyes or broken bones so the physical abuse doesn't count and I deserved my mother chasing me with a knife.......
It is very sad.
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm - anonymous.

Part of my story: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=54885.msg488293#msg488293
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=54892.msg488385#msg488385

NC uPDM; NC uBPDSis

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Coyote23

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Re: GC sister's behaviour toward her children
« Reply #3 on: June 15, 2016, 07:56:11 PM »
Holy Cow!
I just wanted to say I have worked in jobs where I was a mandated reporter of child and elder/dependant adult abuse, and if you had told me those details in my workplace I would have HAD to make a report by law. Hope this helps.

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Lillith65

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Re: GC sister's behaviour toward her children
« Reply #4 on: June 15, 2016, 08:13:45 PM »
Thanks Coyote. That is how I felt when I had the discussion with my parents and I still think that I did the right thing. The children went on the at risk register for a period until my GC?PDS got divorced and lost her job.
If anyone in authority ever asks my GC?PDS about what is happening she completely denies everything and has trained both kids to deny everything. She told me herself that they were told if they said anything they would go into care.
She can sound plausible because she was a psychiatric nurse and lives in an expensive house.
It's like the twilight zone trying to deal with her......
And of course it doesn't help that I am the one who has been hospitalised following a suicide attempt and had psychiatric care for a couple of years - even though I have a very responsible job and generally work hard to stay well! Allowing myself to be diagnosed, hospitalised and rescued has completely discredited me and added weight to their dismissal of me as 'loony' and 'unstable'....
« Last Edit: June 15, 2016, 08:19:16 PM by K8EB »
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm - anonymous.

Part of my story: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=54885.msg488293#msg488293
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=54892.msg488385#msg488385

NC uPDM; NC uBPDSis

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BullyBuster

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Re: GC sister's behaviour toward her children
« Reply #5 on: June 18, 2016, 11:58:28 AM »
I commend your efforts! When these children are older I bet they will see things quite different.