Still struggling to get through...

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M_Jaja

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Still struggling to get through...
« on: June 16, 2016, 03:25:46 PM »
I'm still in shock when I think of what I had to endure from my ex. She was aware that this was my first lesbian relationship, and she also knew that I was in love with her.  But I think my love for her clouded my mind as to who she really was.  I think about how upset she used to get whenever my son asked me to make his favorite dish, because it meant that it was taking time away from being with her. I still made his favorite dish and then had to endure her telling me that I was not a priority and that Ďotherí people were more important than she was.  Even though my son is grown, he doesnít ask much of me so when he asks me for something I try to oblige since itís usually weeks before he sees me again because Iím with her.  I never could understand it.  It was the same if my mom called and god forbid I had to drive over to see her.  Itís as if she wanted me to be with her 24/7 and 365 days, and if anything took me away from her it was a problem.  I didnít even recognize it as her being selfish, I just thought she felt the same way I did and simply wanted me around her because she loved me too.  I should have realized that she was just the same as her mother who I feel is full blown NPD, my ex is more closeted with hers, but itís there nonetheless.  The outbursts where she would need her space and I would have to go home, or when she would call and ask me why Iím not there with her, how Iíve abandoned her and she feels as if Iím changing towards her, if I donít love her anymoreÖit was all so exhausting! We would take breaks from each other because it was so much for me, but then I would end up going back.  On several occasions when I left she would seek me out telling me that she canít function without me, that weíre attached and that Iím her person and that I canít leave her. And of course I kept going back time after time.  

For five years I did everything for her, I looked after the apartment, I cooked, did the laundry, cared for her in ways I had never ever done with anyone before and I still felt that it was not enough.  I felt that there was still something that she was looking for me to provide.  I gave everything and I tried to be available for her all the time, but I didnít know what else to do. She took all I had, I pretty much discarded my family and friends for her because she complained and fussed so much whenever I went to my home to make sure that it was at least still standing, or went out with friends who were complaining they hadnít seen me in forever.  This usually meant driving the hour to my home just to make sure everything was fine there, and then jumping right back into my car to drive another hour to go back to her.  She never wanted to come to my home, it was like pulling teeth to get her to stay there for a weekend, she always wanted me to be with her, at her home.  I asked her to move in with me, afterall I owned my home, she was renting an apartment.  She would complain about parking at her apartment, I offered her a driveway to put her vehicle. She complained that she didnít like the neighborhood she lived in, my home was in a quiet residential neighborhood, but it wasnít what she wanted. We talked about it several times.  She started apartment hunting and she talked about us getting this great apartment for the both of us.  I told her that it didnít make sense to do that because I am already paying a mortgage, I couldnít pay rent on top of that too!  She accused me of not wanting to be with her, and that I was not her priorityóagain! Then she told me that she wasnít getting all her needs met by me, and that just blew me away.  I had pretty much abandoned my home to be with her all the time, I was doing everything for her and it still wasnít enough.  She said she wasnít happy, and that something was missing.  After a lot of tears and arguing I walked awayóagain.  But then she would call and tell me she couldnít live without me and like an idiot I went right back.  I didnít even have anyone to talk to about this, I felt so stupid.  I didnít want to have to hear anyone tell me that this was the relationship I signed up for so I would just have to live with it.  I had walked away from a relationship with a man who was in love with me and would have done anything for me, just so I could be with her.  Knowing that, I couldnít tell anyone what was happening with me. Karma I guessÖ

I loved her so much that the thought of her not being a part of my life was a physical pain in my chest. She used to tell me that if she couldnít make this relationship work with me then she would never be able to make it work with anyone else.  I'm not sure how i was supposed to feel when she said that, it sounded to me like she had doubts of us being together for the long haul.  Regardless of the push and pull with her I wanted to be with her, I wanted to be the one to take care of her.  Looking back, I donít think she gave me anything at all.  I donít even know if she gave me her love, or if I was just the person who took care of all her needs.  I donít know if I felt loved by her. The things she did for me didnít mean as much to me as it did to her.  She would buy me expensive gifts, plan expensive vacations and pay for them before okaying it with me first. Her mother does the same things, she buys the grandkids expensive gifts, gave them substantial amounts of money for birthdays and Christmas, and it seemed to me that this was how they showed love. She wasnít raised with love, the mother was emotionally unavailable to them, she was more interested in her charitable outings, and being surrounded by her fans who all craved her presence and showered her with compliments.  My ex had the same tendencies, she had the kind of presence where people were inexplicably drawn to her, they loved being with her, talking to her, just being in her shade. I was just proud to be her girl, but the negative side of that was dealing with someone who was selfish, all about her needs and wants and someone who canít be satisfied with anything, no matter how hard a person tried.  And I tried until I just couldnít.  

Her betrayal was the final straw and I had to gather what little dignity I had left and walk away. I couldnít believe her nerve, and thatís when I knew she couldnít have given a damn about me, she was just concerned with herself and what she wanted, and expected her minions to fall in line. The devastation at the loss of her was so traumatic I didnít know even know how I had the strength to walk away.  I started therapy and my doctor put me on antidepressants.  I wasnít able to get up in the mornings, sometimes tears would just well up in my eyes and spill over, at work no less! I would just feel the tears streaming down my face, I was a mess!  I donít even think she felt it as much as I did.  I just think that what she missed was having me around taking care of her and her needs.  When I left she cursed me and told me that I didnít give a shit about her if I could do this to her, that she didnít need my stupid love.  She threatened that she would never speak to me if she ever saw me on the street, that I should never acknowledge her presence ever again.  Mind you, I hadnít done anything to her, I left to save myself because she betrayed me.  Even now a month later, and I know itís still early days yet, I have moments of relapses when I fall into a funk and crawl into myself.  The betrayal was what ultimately just killed whatever feelings I had for her, I couldnít function.  I felt lost and alone.  Thatís another post but Iíve been told it helps to put my pain out there so I will. But I keep asking: Are they aware of what they do? How they treat people? Do they know the havoc they cause?


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Liftedfog

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Re: Still struggling to get through...
« Reply #1 on: June 17, 2016, 08:03:55 AM »
I'm sorry for your pasin. You didn't do anything to cause this and nothing you could do would find or change her. And this realization hurts.  Nothing is ever good enough.  We become their full time adult caregivers.  Think how ridiculous for us.  We serve these able bodied adults hand and foot trying to make them happy because we think we won't hear the rages or conflicts anymore.  But Nothing makes them happy because they are broken inside. Stay NC. You will regain your strength and clarity. Hugs to you.

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kiwihelen

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Re: Still struggling to get through...
« Reply #2 on: June 17, 2016, 08:17:22 AM »
There are different schools of thought on how conscious their behaviour is. At my most charitable I think my SOs ex needs to create tension and chaos to avoid dealing with her own gaping empty psychic hole from being raised by an abusive mother. I am not always that charitable, especially when I see how much collateral damage she inflicts on SO and his daughters

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M_Jaja

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Re: Still struggling to get through...
« Reply #3 on: June 19, 2016, 10:42:40 PM »
Liftedfog I hear you, and thanks! You are so right.  No matter what I did, and I did so much it was just never enough yet I got blamed for not giving her what she needed. How? When I think I'm doing ok something about this whole situation sucks me back in and takes everything out of me. Again. I can't keep doing this. I just can't.

Kiwihelen, one of the first things I realized was that she was not happy and nothing I did could change that. And yes, I felt that she did have one hell of a gaping void and was looking for someone to fill it, and is likely still looking.  I can't be that person. She took all I had. I can't fix what her abusive mother did to her, and she couldn't get past it and she refused to get help. I couldn't be around when she got off the phone with her mother and turned into a raging lunatic because she didn't know how to handle her own mother's craziness. Ugh

I'm trying to rebuild myself. I feel like a brainwashed idiot. I just can't imagine that someone could have that much power to do this to me, I thought I was stronger than this.

You live and you learn...



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kiwihelen

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Re: Still struggling to get through...
« Reply #4 on: June 19, 2016, 11:24:35 PM »
You are not an idiot. Nothing prepares us for this stuff. I'm also a non, but my SOs uPD still managed to completely throw me at times.

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M_Jaja

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Re: Still struggling to get through...
« Reply #5 on: June 29, 2016, 11:37:57 AM »
Thanks! I'm seeing my therapist every week now in the hopes that I can get this behind me so I can move on with my own life. And you are right, the behaviors just threw me for a loop sometimes, I find it hard even a month later since NC but it's such a struggle...


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chriskitt40

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Re: Still struggling to get through...
« Reply #6 on: July 03, 2016, 03:32:38 PM »
boy boy boy I can so relate.  nothing you do will ever be enough.  give your whole life up, it will never be enough, give up your self respect and dignity. it will never be enough.  give up all your money time energy, that's not enough.  give up social media, that's not enough.  give up your friends, that's not enough, give up your everything, that's not enough.  give up the whole universe, will never be enough  these ppl need to be on an island with each other so they can be never be enough among themselves :stars: :stars: :stars: :stars: :stars: :stars: