Anyone dealing with ANGER. Help to get out of anger

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hope2016

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Anyone dealing with ANGER. Help to get out of anger
« on: June 17, 2016, 11:04:05 AM »
Hi. I have so much anger. It would be so lovely to be able to not have all this anger.
Has anyone any experience with moving from one point to another in this stage of anger? Its so violent, I feel.

The reason for this is due to a huge frustration over my family and its dysfunction. 

!THANKS! <3

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BullyBuster

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Re: Anyone dealing with ANGER. Help to get out of anger
« Reply #1 on: June 17, 2016, 11:11:48 AM »
I am in the same position. The anger is consuming my life.

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all4peace

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Re: Anyone dealing with ANGER. Help to get out of anger
« Reply #2 on: June 17, 2016, 11:44:31 AM »
Through reading and experience, I have come to understand that anger means there's a boundary violation and something that we need to deal with. I went from feeling so much rage and helplessness to mainly feeling like whatever comes next we will deal with it. Once you grasp your own power to set boundaries, and get help in figuring out what those boundaries are, you will have less to be angry about.

I don't know your story. If your anger is due to childhood trauma and not current life circumstances, maybe therapy could help you work through it. Best to you!

And I don't know what you mean by violent. Are you violently acting out your anger? Or does it feel like a violent emotion eating up inside of you?

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guitarman

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Re: Anyone dealing with ANGER. Help to get out of anger
« Reply #3 on: June 17, 2016, 01:43:48 PM »
Doing a Mindfulness course really helped me to become aware of my thoughts and feelings and how they affect my body. I didn't know how to feel relaxed before.

I try and stay calm no matter how my uBPD/uNPD sister behaves. I can't control her behaviour and what she says and does I can only control mine.

She visited me yesterday for only fifteen minutes but she pushed all my buttons. She was feeling suicidal and was going home to take some pills because of the way she said our family treated her. I get angry, annoyed and frustrated about her lack of insight into her own mental health condition and how her behaviour affects others.

Buddha said that "Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else. You are the one who gets burned." I always keep that in mind and let go of the hot coal, relax and soon calm down. Usually I leave the room and lock myself in the bathroom when my sister is upsetting me.

It's difficult for your body not to react when you are being screamed and shouted at. The adrenaline kicks in and the fight or flight mode occurs. Thankfully I fly away and don't ever be physically violent to my sister or shout at her even though my body wants to in order to defend itself.

I get upset about how my sister gets into situations that she has caused. She doesn't realise what she's done and then blames others for how she then feels. The same pattern repeats itself over and over.

I've learnt to detach myself from her but it's so hard because of all the guilt I feel knowing what will probably happen. I can't keep rescuing her from self destructive self. The fear, obligation and guilt are eating me up at times. It can become unbearable. I care but can't cope.

Best wishes.




« Last Edit: June 17, 2016, 01:55:51 PM by guitarman »
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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Shockwave

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Re: Anyone dealing with ANGER. Help to get out of anger
« Reply #4 on: June 17, 2016, 10:06:35 PM »
"What is it about me that you hate so much?!?" said the alcoholic to his wife.
"Everything!", she replied.

The above quote is the entry into a chapter of a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattle. This quote, in particular, is on the chapter 13, simply titled "Anger".

First, a little background about myself, and my dealings with anger, as it's been my predominant life force for a VERY long time (something to the tune of well over 2 decades). Most of my anger stems from being raised as a doormat and not knowing any better, and letting my FOO, supposed friends, and school and class mates disrespect, steal, take advantage and put me down in various ways. After dealing with all of that, it's no wonder why I wasn't just angry, I was PISSED. But I learned that when you deal with a bunch of uPDs for family members, their anger, when you're a small child, can easily outclass yours many times over. But this doesn't help you deal with your anger any easier, all it does it feed your anger even more so. The learned helplessness, powerlessness, and situational Stockholm syndrome all feed into making you more and more distraught. Suppressing my feelings became quite natural, as I didn't want to give my uPD family any ammunition against me (not that they needed any).

So I do know a little something about anger. :)

Which leads to this: What do you do about all that pent-up anger?

Guitarman has somewhat of a point: you DO have to feel the feelings and emotions. Mindfulness exercises do help make you aware of your thoughts and feelings, but there is a missing component: you still have to deal with the situation at hand which is making you angry. Which means you have to enforce the boundary that the person is crossing that is making you angry. Giving into the PD doesn't teach them not to cross the boundary. In fact, it just makes it worse. Anger is a clear-cut sign something is wrong and needs to be remedied, right NOW.

However, anger is not like other emotions. It has a ton of energy associated with it, far more than most emotions. I always say "Anger makes a great ladder, but a lousy floor." Learn to harness the energy anger generates and gives you, and channel the anger into ways that can benefit and help you. This is part of the calming effect of discharging the energy that anger gives you. PDs do not know how to channel their anger effectively. They truly are small children in that sense as well. That's why they take it out on whoever and whatever is in range. But Non-PDs know better, and can calmly and firmly confront the violators of boundaries and enforce them. You don't have to accept anything they do, and you enforce those boundaries accordingly.

I'll use guitarman's uBPD/uNPD sister as an example. As soon as she starts up with her behaviors which show anything I do not approve of, I calmly and firmly let her know that isn't wanted or needed here, and if she wants to continue to act that way, she is no longer welcome in my house. If she does it again, you show her the door and kick her out of your house, and lock the door and make sure she does not make her way back into your house. Those are YOUR boundaries. Boundaries are like borders. But they're not about getting other people to be different. You can't change other peoples' behavior. It's about getting YOU to be different.

I'll add more later on. I have a lot to say about anger. :)
"Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he's not a hero. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A Dark Knight."
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hope2016

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Re: Anyone dealing with ANGER. Help to get out of anger
« Reply #5 on: June 18, 2016, 05:02:25 PM »
 It is due to a violent emotion eating up inside of me.
My anger comes from dealing with being the only  "whistle-blower" of a dysfunctional behavior in my family, going on since childhood and up until my adult life. And being Scape goaded for it.

Through reading and experience, I have come to understand that anger means there's a boundary violation and something that we need to deal with. I went from feeling so much rage and helplessness to mainly feeling like whatever comes next we will deal with it. Once you grasp your own power to set boundaries, and get help in figuring out what those boundaries are, you will have less to be angry about.

I don't know your story. If your anger is due to childhood trauma and not current life circumstances, maybe therapy could help you work through it. Best to you!

And I don't know what you mean by violent. Are you violently acting out your anger? Or does it feel like a violent emotion eating up inside of you?

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all4peace

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Re: Anyone dealing with ANGER. Help to get out of anger
« Reply #6 on: June 18, 2016, 08:01:03 PM »
It is due to a violent emotion eating up inside of me.
My anger comes from dealing with being the only  "whistle-blower" of a dysfunctional behavior in my family, going on since childhood and up until my adult life. And being Scape goaded for it.

Through reading and experience, I have come to understand that anger means there's a boundary violation and something that we need to deal with. I went from feeling so much rage and helplessness to mainly feeling like whatever comes next we will deal with it. Once you grasp your own power to set boundaries, and get help in figuring out what those boundaries are, you will have less to be angry about.

I don't know your story. If your anger is due to childhood trauma and not current life circumstances, maybe therapy could help you work through it. Best to you!

And I don't know what you mean by violent. Are you violently acting out your anger? Or does it feel like a violent emotion eating up inside of you?
I am so sorry. It is a very lonely place to be--the truth teller in a dishonest family. To me it sounds like your anger is coming from the injustice of the position you are in. Do you have other people in your life with whom you can be safely honest? Who love and support you for who you are? I am coming to understand that sometimes we have to make our own families from safe and loving people we find in the world who are not related to us at all. I hope you have or can also.

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hope2016

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Re: Anyone dealing with ANGER. Help to get out of anger
« Reply #7 on: June 19, 2016, 06:45:32 AM »
Thank you.. Yes it comes from that. I just realized that it is true, as before I believed I was to judgemental to label my family as dysfunctional. I have seen that it is and I am forced to deal with it. I will forexample have to explain it to my father, a sweet man whom is always obeying the family union and suffer from it.
I will do this for my younger siblings and for him if I find the right amount of courage.

Yes, my boyfriend and the existence of other unions, like his family, is the key.

I am good and great now, I just struggle with forgiveness. For the fact that I dealed with this alone as a child and then as an adult.
Firends, family, anyone, I have found to be dismissive of negative subjects. Its like a sick person in the background of a party, and knowone wants to think about that.

The main forces of dysfunctional behavior from my aunt and my grandmom, I let go of. It is the silencing I cant get over. How you are criminaliced for speaking about things under the surface.


It is due to a violent emotion eating up inside of me.
My anger comes from dealing with being the only  "whistle-blower" of a dysfunctional behavior in my family, going on since childhood and up until my adult life. And being Scape goaded for it.

Through reading and experience, I have come to understand that anger means there's a boundary violation and something that we need to deal with. I went from feeling so much rage and helplessness to mainly feeling like whatever comes next we will deal with it. Once you grasp your own power to set boundaries, and get help in figuring out what those boundaries are, you will have less to be angry about.

I don't know your story. If your anger is due to childhood trauma and not current life circumstances, maybe therapy could help you work through it. Best to you!

And I don't know what you mean by violent. Are you violently acting out your anger? Or does it feel like a violent emotion eating up inside of you?
I am so sorry. It is a very lonely place to be--the truth teller in a dishonest family. To me it sounds like your anger is coming from the injustice of the position you are in. Do you have other people in your life with whom you can be safely honest? Who love and support you for who you are? I am coming to understand that sometimes we have to make our own families from safe and loving people we find in the world who are not related to us at all. I hope you have or can also.

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all4peace

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Re: Anyone dealing with ANGER. Help to get out of anger
« Reply #8 on: June 19, 2016, 10:25:19 AM »
Would therapy be a possibility for you? I know that as I've come Out of the FOG regarding both my H and my families, I've tried to be careful to not overburden any one friendship or to be too poisonous. It's a lot to unload and a rare person who can keep on listening for as long as it sometimes takes us to work through it all. This forum has been invaluable for that.

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hope2016

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Re: Anyone dealing with ANGER. Help to get out of anger
« Reply #9 on: June 19, 2016, 12:04:56 PM »
Yes ofcause. Therapy would be ideal, I am still searching for the right one.
The one I last saw didn't know enough and I felt I was taking more responsibility and charge over the conversation/therapy than she did.
Its a matter of finding just one person who has the capability to embrace you with your story. (The constand rejection isnt helping me on my way to a happy and healthy self) - And a therapist who knows enough about the subject to understand its complexity.

Would therapy be a possibility for you? I know that as I've come Out of the FOG regarding both my H and my families, I've tried to be careful to not overburden any one friendship or to be too poisonous. It's a lot to unload and a rare person who can keep on listening for as long as it sometimes takes us to work through it all. This forum has been invaluable for that.

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Shockwave

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Re: Anyone dealing with ANGER. Help to get out of anger
« Reply #10 on: June 19, 2016, 01:44:10 PM »
Be careful about forgiveness and perceptions of it. It's not some psychic "aloe vera" that soothes and relieves all wounds. Sometimes, you don't have to forgive in the traditional sense. Forgive yourself for harboring the anger, hatred and  negative feelings that came from their actions, but you might not want to forgive them if they haven't changed at all.

Regarding anger, pinpointing the origins and source of the anger is wonderful, but that also belies the challenge of relieving it. Not to mention since at this point, it's stemming from years and years of mistreatment, disrespect and poor behavior on the PD-family based dynamic. At that point, it's no longer anger. It's rage. I'm familiar with that one, too.
"Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he's not a hero. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A Dark Knight."
-- James Gordon, The Dark Knight

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hope2016

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Re: Anyone dealing with ANGER. Help to get out of anger
« Reply #11 on: June 20, 2016, 09:03:45 AM »
Yes me experiences with this is that the only thing that can be determent as a helper and soother is the interactions with others than your family. However I would strongly recommend to work on your own authority. This is helpfull to me because the manipulation at me from a surtan person is targeting my own authority.
When you have been damaged as a child their isn't so much forgiveness to give from. The behavior is frightening to me, but I work on that, as the attack rarely comes and the relationship is broken official. 

Be careful about forgiveness and perceptions of it. It's not some psychic "aloe vera" that soothes and relieves all wounds. Sometimes, you don't have to forgive in the traditional sense. Forgive yourself for harboring the anger, hatred and  negative feelings that came from their actions, but you might not want to forgive them if they haven't changed at all.

Regarding anger, pinpointing the origins and source of the anger is wonderful, but that also belies the challenge of relieving it. Not to mention since at this point, it's stemming from years and years of mistreatment, disrespect and poor behavior on the PD-family based dynamic. At that point, it's no longer anger. It's rage. I'm familiar with that one, too.

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Candywarhol

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Re: Anyone dealing with ANGER. Help to get out of anger
« Reply #12 on: June 22, 2016, 06:43:09 PM »
I can relate hope2016! It sucks to be the scapegoat! It sucks to want to sort things out and get whacked over the head time and again for your efforts.

Through reading and experience, I have come to understand that anger means there's a boundary violation and something that we need to deal with. I went from feeling so much rage and helplessness to mainly feeling like whatever comes next we will deal with it. Once you grasp your own power to set boundaries, and get help in figuring out what those boundaries are, you will have less to be angry about.
I'd agree with Shockwave. It can't be overstated how important boundaries are. I'm still learning but it's so empowering when you set them!

I've also heard a few psychologists say that anger often stems from pent up grief or sadness.
If you ask a person who is acting out angrily what they are sad about, they often begin to cry.
In my case, I know that boundaries contributed to my anger, frustration at not having the right to have boundaries,
but sadness, grief for that poor child who was so mistreated and was never listened to when she needed support.
I can imagine you carry a lot of your childhood anguish, maybe.

My anger comes from dealing with being the only  "whistle-blower" of a dysfunctional behavior in my family, going on since childhood and up until my adult life. And being Scape goaded for it.
It seems a lot of people in our situation have a big issue with injustice! I know many who do.
You're not doing anything wrong, yet you get kicked! Infuriating!

When you have been damaged as a child their isn't so much forgiveness to give from.
Maybe there is, maybe there isn't but here again, I think what Shockwave has already written makes a lot of sense.
There is a trend these days around quippy self-help soundbites and while some of them may actually be helpful in some situations, the
very trendy attitude of "forgive", "move on", "get past it" , "let it go" are all fine if someone drinks the last cup of coffee in the office and doesn't make a new pot but are not very helpful for victims of abuse, at least until they are far down the healing path.
Forgiving can be very healing, but we can't fake it! I think it's almost like an organic process; you work through your stuff and at some stage you may be ready to forgive. That also doesn't mean you need to forget - there's those boundaries that need looking after ;)
At any rate, I don't personally feel forgiveness should be a goal at the start of the process.

Sorry for rambling. Wish I could give you a hug   :bighug:

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hope2016

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Re: Anyone dealing with ANGER. Help to get out of anger
« Reply #13 on: June 24, 2016, 10:00:06 AM »
Yesterday I went to visit my father, in spite of some comments from him earlier this year, that I did not like.
I concluded that he doesn't know better and is a victim of abuse from his mother and sister. I base this in his kind nature.
BUT - my anger is triggered for there is NO ROOM for expressing my boundaries of his comments. I haven't leaned to responce in the situation, when he gives a comment that I do not like.
I don't feel compfortable stating my boundaries verbally towards him, because he has expressed how I schould "go debate it with someone ells".  And then the ANGER builds. He wants silent little lamps, and he does not like what I have to say. I am therefore afraid of his very often dismissive reaction every time I need to state my opinion on some comment he gives out.

Point is that my opinion is evaluated inside of me before it comes out - and are presented in a reduced form, so he want get dismissive.
This regulated expression is bad for my selfconfidence and i don't want to do this. But It is like I am being forced to it.

And then the Anger builds up.


My father has little siblings of mine, form one year and up till 14 years and 16 years of age. So I visit for them also.

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all4peace

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Re: Anyone dealing with ANGER. Help to get out of anger
« Reply #14 on: June 24, 2016, 10:19:19 AM »
I was raised by a NM who knew EVERYthing. She knows how professionals should do their job, how other people should spell their name, ALL facts about ALL things. It is exhausting and maddening. I understand what it's like to not be able to argue a point without getting both barrels blasting at you.

I find it demeaning, condescending, off-putting, frustrating, depressing.

If you find a great way of dealing with it, I'd love to hear it! For now all I know to do is ignore most of what comes out of my mom's mouth and when it gets really bad find something that needs to be done in another room.

Then I feel guilt for not really having a relationship with her, but how is it even possible when someone is in a nonstop monologue?

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hope2016

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Re: Anyone dealing with ANGER. Help to get out of anger
« Reply #15 on: June 24, 2016, 06:05:07 PM »
I usually do the same. Best advice would be to stop giving her any attention when she acts stupid. If you have the tendency to be very open and tolerant you may have to practice not to give her attention. I had to. I know it does not feel like a relationship, my mom is the same.
Nice to know we are not alone on having these kind of parrents.
 
I was raised by a NM who knew EVERYthing. She knows how professionals should do their job, how other people should spell their name, ALL facts about ALL things. It is exhausting and maddening. I understand what it's like to not be able to argue a point without getting both barrels blasting at you.

I find it demeaning, condescending, off-putting, frustrating, depressing.

If you find a great way of dealing with it, I'd love to hear it! For now all I know to do is ignore most of what comes out of my mom's mouth and when it gets really bad find something that needs to be done in another room.

Then I feel guilt for not really having a relationship with her, but how is it even possible when someone is in a nonstop monologue?

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Viola Violet

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Re: Anyone dealing with ANGER. Help to get out of anger
« Reply #16 on: June 25, 2016, 06:03:49 AM »
I'm also full of anger.  It was even rage a year ago and I yelled at a few people with such rage I spat at them.  It was very out of character for me and I was heavily ashamed afterwards.  Reading this thread has been an "ah ha!" Moment for me.  I finally understand what I'm angry about.  Deep down I did know that it's the lack of respect, truth and privacy I receive from my parents, husband and children (who I still excuse because they are young and don't know better or have any good examples to follow).  My outburst was awful, but I now have privacy when I'm in the bathroom showering, husband and children will clear the table for dinner, and they will now look in the bathroom cupboard for a new soap or shampoo bottle or toilet paper without asking me to get it (i was like a "fetch it slave").  At the same time I was questioning the antidepressants the doctor had me on for 7 years.  She said I would be on them for life. But I didn't feel right. My head was increasingly foggy like soup and my skin was more itchy very gradually over time. My frustrations gradually moved from anger to rage and my sleep patterns were terrible.  I weened myself off and stopped them.  I didn't tell anyone because they wouldn't have let me. To everyone else I was the crazy one. Well, the foggy mind slowly cleared, the itch left my skin and then I slept better. I can articulate my thoughts 100 times better now, a year later.  I did get in the shit from my husband and mother when they found out I stopped the pills.  I said that nobody was listening to the patient so I became my own doctor.
I feel a bit better these days and my husband has apologised for using me like a second mother so there's the progress that eases that anger for me.
Hurt people, hurt people.

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Candywarhol

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Re: Anyone dealing with ANGER. Help to get out of anger
« Reply #17 on: June 25, 2016, 06:46:33 PM »
Good for you Viola Violet. That must have been a daunting thing for you to do! :applause: :applause: