Manipulative brother and my fear

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Mabel

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Manipulative brother and my fear
« on: June 17, 2016, 03:43:35 PM »
I'm anxious because my brother is coming to ask me, in person, to take care of his dog because he is going to travel on his vacation. My brother is so N, so when I say "no", he gets angry and starts to put me down a lot. Maybe that's why I'm so anxious right now and I don't know when exactly he is coming, if it's today or tomorrow or next week or next month.

Anyway, one day, when I was searching for a new job, he said it was too dangerous for me to take the bus because this area is too dangerous (if it's dangerous or not, it's his opinion). He also said he had already seen a dead person next my apartment. I'm not sure if it was a lie or not. I felt he didn't want me to feel free to get a new job and he also wanted me to fear going out and taking the bus.

Now he wants me to take care of his dog. Our NM told me he wants me to take care of it, so he is going to bring the dog here. Well, he told me it was dangerous to get out of the apartment to wait for the bus, but to walk his dog it's not dangerous, huh? This is a very good example that show how much he doesn't care about me. He only wants me to be his puppet.

Plus, our NM told me he said I promised him to walk his dog when he travels. I NEVER promised that!!!! He was the one who promised to do lots of things, then he said I had to walk his dog for him when he travels and blablabla. So manipulative!!! He was planning that with his monologue, it was not me who promised things to him. It was his to-do list monologue.

I don't know what I will do when he comes. I'm sure I'm going to say "no", but his reaction... I don't want to have other bad experience with them again. The only way is to get a job abroad...

I feel I want to say everything I have in my mind to him, but I know it's not a good thing because he is worse than our NM. He is the worst and I can say I fear him a lot. I don't know how to deal with this situation again.

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BullyBuster

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Re: Manipulative brother and my fear
« Reply #1 on: June 18, 2016, 10:27:16 AM »
I would say he should take his dog to a safe place, like your NM's, where there aren't dead people laying right outside. Unfortunately, they cannot watch others succeed or better their lives.

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nanotech

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Re: Manipulative brother and my fear
« Reply #2 on: June 18, 2016, 05:57:12 PM »
Honey, say no and stick to it. Keep saying no like it's a broken record. You don't have to give reasons- never JADE  that is -never Justify Argue Explain or Defend x
Big fat no and ring him or text him now x

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Bloomie

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Re: Manipulative brother and my fear
« Reply #3 on: June 18, 2016, 08:25:43 PM »
Mabel - Something I was wondering... you say if you say no your brother will be angry and tear you down. You also say you are fearful of him. Is he physically threatening to you? It is verbal abuse and emotional manipulation you are concerned about?

Is there a way to remove yourself from the position of worrying and waiting for him to come by and contact him proactively and say/text/email something like... I was told by mom you were going to bring your dog here for me to care for. I want to save you the trip and let you know that won't work for me. Safe travels.....

If he is snarky or unkind in response you can either ignore it, or let him know you do not allow yourself to be spoken to, or texted to or communicated with, in a disrespectful manner, especially by someone who is asking a HUGE FAVOR.  :upsidedown:

You don't have to allow him to bring his dog over without personally contacting you and asking and being specific with the details and time frame of what he is asking for. I have found this kind of vagueness to be a manipulative tactic all of it's own. The dog is his responsibility. Period. 

I get the anxiety and the fear of another's bullying behaviors. Find a way to protect yourself from this and speak up for yourself even if your knees are knocking together. We all have to start somewhere limiting mistreatment of us and this may be your moment to begin in a new way with your brother. Sending you tons of strength!!!

Let us know how it goes!
« Last Edit: June 18, 2016, 08:27:31 PM by Bloomie »

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Mabel

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Re: Manipulative brother and my fear
« Reply #4 on: June 19, 2016, 02:55:09 PM »
I haven't sent him a message yet.
I bet he is going to come to my house and try to convince me to take care of his dog.
The problem is: I still live with NM. He is free to come. If only I could live afar and say no to him. 

I remember last time I decided to start my light contact.
He came to bully me, but I only said, "Hello! You know I have to study for my exams", and went back to my room.
That week he came here almost every day and I kept my light contact.

Then, after months, our dad went to hospital and I had to meet my brother there.
He asked why I was angry at him because I'm too rude and didn't give him attention.
I remember I told him I had to study for exams, but he doesn't care about it.
He was angry, not me.

When I decided to stop talking to him again was after X-mas.
He treated me so badly. It was the worst day I had.
Then he came again saying I was angry at him.
He also tried to brainwash me saying I was not studying hard, that I am a lazy and a person who is never going to succeed.
He doesn't live with us, how does he "know" I was not studying?

It's too hard to stay in the same place with him.
I don't want to see him anymore.
When I was younger, he tried to rape me. I told our NM, but she laughed at me.
I'm planning to move to other country next year. I have to get all documents to get a job abroad.
This is what I want the most in my life.

Thank you for your big help.
I only have to get courage to send him a message about his dog.
Trying hard here.


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Bloomie

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Re: Manipulative brother and my fear
« Reply #5 on: June 20, 2016, 01:29:41 PM »
Mabel - this is huge....
Quote from: Mabel
When I was younger, he tried to rape me. I told our NM, but she laughed at me.

It is no wonder you are so fearful! This is awful and the fact that your mother invalidated such a traumatic experience and that you are still living with her and therefore in a position where he has access to you... a place you are not believed and are at risk is enough to put anyone in a state of fear.

I want to make a couple of suggestions and then offer a link that may help you.  It seems like the number one priority is to find ways to stay safe in your current living situation - until such time that you can remove yourself from a mother who has laughed in the face of this extremely harmful, bullying, abusive behavior on your brother's part.

How can you keep your distance from your brother while living in your mother's home that he has access to? What are some things you have done that have worked to this point? Are you ever alone with him? Does he have access to your room? Do you have privacy and ways to lock doors, keep yourself physically safe?

Would you consider talking with a domestic violence counselor? I think it may be a great relief and support to talk with someone face to face about your current situation and the past sexual assault by your brother. Do you have anyone face to face that you can trust who will support you as you figure these things out? It seems that what you are dealing with is a systematic, outright and also sneaky attack on your personhood, your privacy, your rights, your safety, your peace of mind.

The dog... the expectation that you will do what your are told to do for your brother... that is just another type of dominating and bullying behavior that invalidates you in every way. And you know it. You feel it. And you are trying to come against a long established "rule", so to speak, in your mother's home that your brother has power and control over you and can do as he pleases. That is a lot to handle and deal with on your own. So very hard!!!

In my view you need support as you set boundaries and begin to take a stand. It could be a dangerous and could be viewed as provoking and could put you at risk. Please consider getting some face to face help and support in handling this situation with your brother overall. Go slowly and stay safe.

Here is a link to emergency info that includes many resources for domestic and/or sexual violence -

http://outofthefog.website/emergency/

Here is a link to Pandora's Project which provides support and resources for survivors of rape and sexual abuse.

 http://www.pandys.org/articles/siblingsexualabuse.html

Another resource that may be of great support to you is our sister site out of the storm (OOTS) - here is a link: http://www.outofthestorm.website

I am so sorry for what is happening and has happened. I am so sorry that your mother would sweep under the rug such terrible, outrageously wrong behavior on your brother's part and expect you do to the same. It takes great courage to face down the two of them and to find your way to safety and freedom from their dominance and mistreatment.

Keep coming back here. Let us support you!



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nanotech

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Re: Manipulative brother and my fear
« Reply #6 on: June 26, 2016, 05:42:36 PM »
I hadn't realised that his previous abuse of you had been so awful and so severe- so my earlier advice was probably unhelpful.

If so I am sorry.

I hope you are okay.

Remember not to let him keep abusing you - be careful, but don't be fearful. Get the law onto him if need be.
Meanwhile, try to avoid any communication from family members that is in connection with him.

Find an excuse to get off the phone, pretend you didn't receive phone messages etc. Hugs xxxxxxx

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caramelia

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Re: Manipulative brother and my fear
« Reply #7 on: June 27, 2016, 10:58:12 AM »
Oh Mabel, I'm so sorry for what you've gone through. Bloomie has given you great advice. I hope you keep posting here for support.