Does it ever pay to confront a nBPD on their behaviour?

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Afterthefox

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Does it ever pay to confront a nBPD on their behaviour?
« on: June 19, 2016, 07:57:01 PM »
I met my nBPD father for lunch today following six weeks of silent treatment. It happened to be father's day which was not something I planned - he suggested the date.
No mention was made of why he ignored my last email. He just got back in touch and said "Sorry it took me so long to respond - I have been busy. We must catch up soon." etc. I had assumed that he had cut off all relations and I had been struggling to come to terms with the prospect of going long-term non-contact.

Part of me was glad to be back in touch today. But an even larger part of me resents that he just slipped right back into a self-infatuated monologue and that he skirted around certain subjects without really wanting to know what's going on in my life. I feel it's hopeless to confront him about my feelings. I feel confused about how I should be feeling and how I should be protecting myself from this happening again. I feel like keeping my distance so that I don't feel rejected again. But then I would like to continue at least a civil relationship. I find it really hard finding a balance.

Does it ever pay to confront a nBPD on their behaviour?
How do I protect myself from feeling abandoned when he does this again?
Is it healthier to stay away than to return time and time again to a superficial and unpredictable relationship?
« Last Edit: June 19, 2016, 08:25:52 PM by Afterthefox »
"Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone." - Alan Watts

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snoflinga

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Re: Does it ever pay to confront a nBPD on their behaviour?
« Reply #1 on: June 19, 2016, 09:27:25 PM »
Re: confronting, I think it depend on what you want to get out of it. If you call them out thinking they will see what they did wrong and change, it's not going to happen. It's just not. But there is some benefit to us, I think, in the closure that comes from telling them how hurtful their actions are/were. I wrote my parents a long letter before going NC detailing a number of hurtful behaviors I had asked them not to do time after time after time. I know it won't even enter their consciousness, they will still see themselves as the victim. But I felt better about NC because I had said it.

As far as whether or not to maintain contact, you have to decide what is best for you. If time with your dad leads to more stress and sadness than being NC would, it's not worth it. On the other hand, if you can think of his PD like a social disability and don't expect a loving relationship with him, it might be okay for you to get together once in a while.

Good luck to you!

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all4peace

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Re: Does it ever pay to confront a nBPD on their behaviour?
« Reply #2 on: June 19, 2016, 10:54:41 PM »
Thankfully, I only have a test number of 2 in my life, DH's and my mothers. I have never fully confronted my mother with her behavior. It would be a pointless waste of energy. Plus, my normally calm father was recently shouting at me in defense of my mother (when I hadn't even criticized her) so I believe I would have a battle on my hands. Since relations with H's next-door family are totally falling apart, I couldn't really cope with it happening on both sides at one.

H confronted his uNBPDm with her behavior. She raged, she got in his face, and then she walked away. I talked to enFIL twice now about her. The first time was calm and normal. The second time I brought in the entire family dynamic of shunning and scapegoating (with specific examples of his contribution to this) and I have a feeling this time we're about to be entirely emotionally shut out of the family, if "more" is even possible.

So..... I say no. It doesn't pay. A person has to be self reflective. I'm a parent of teens, so I understand the parent-child dynamic. I believe H and I should more introspection on a bad day with our kids pointing out something minor ("please don't post photos of me on FB", for example) than our parents have coped with us trying to show the massive injustices in our family systems. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe the big stuff is too hard to handle. Seriously, though, our first "confrontation" with uNBPDmil was asking her to stop feeding our toddler junky food over our protests, and she freaked--in my face, jabbing at my chest, storming into our house unannounced, nearly shouting. So, I think some people simply cannot be confronted over anything, big or little.

I'm digressing into my own rant, though. Regarding your father, it reminds me a lot of how our parents handle things also--which is to say pretending things didn't happen. I think some people are emotionally dense and absolutely incapable of having an honest conversation about feelings...so, then simply go on, hoping that we can all pretend it didn't happen and behave as we used to.

With the ILs, things are so bad that this is no longer possible.
With my parents, I'm going to play the game, for the most part. It's not rewarding, it's not the kind of relationship that's meaningful to me, but I'm too tired to fight.

I wish you the best, whatever you decide.

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GarbageChild

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Re: Does it ever pay to confront a nBPD on their behaviour?
« Reply #3 on: June 20, 2016, 01:21:15 AM »
Yes it pays richly!  In gaslighting and denial...  :stars:

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Associate of Daniel

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Re: Does it ever pay to confront a nBPD on their behaviour?
« Reply #4 on: June 20, 2016, 04:31:49 AM »
 :yeahthat:

AOD

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LeeJane

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Re: Does it ever pay to confront a nBPD on their behaviour?
« Reply #5 on: June 20, 2016, 04:36:41 AM »
Based on my experience with alkie uPD hub, no it does not pay.

It will end up with YOU feeling even worse! 

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magenta22

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Re: Does it ever pay to confront a nBPD on their behaviour?
« Reply #6 on: June 21, 2016, 02:46:04 PM »
Nope, in my experience confronting a nBpd sister got as a result, she denying everything and she saw this as an attack, she hated me from day.....began a smear campaig, etc. They only get defensive and angry wgen confronted. Stick to your truth and realise that they are sick and will never change.

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all4peace

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Re: Does it ever pay to confront a nBPD on their behaviour?
« Reply #7 on: June 21, 2016, 04:14:45 PM »
Weirdly, my NM has called "to talk." I'm trying to stay calm and loving as I think about a conversation with her, but I'm not letting myself forget that she is never, ever wrong and that even mild conversations in the past trying to get her to change her behavior have been totally pointless.

When someone is asking if there is a problem in the relationship, I think it's horrid to not allow them the chance to change. However, I also think that 40+ years of observing NM's behavior has taught me that any such conversation is not going to go well, and will probably make our relationship even worse. Yet, how do you respectfully tell an adult that you don't see any point in talking? I refuse to lie and say that there are no issues.

So, I think it doesn't pay to confront a BPD or NPD and yet I have no idea how you try to have a relationship once you recognize the serious problems.

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naturelover

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Re: Does it ever pay to confront a nBPD on their behaviour?
« Reply #8 on: June 21, 2016, 04:47:48 PM »
My experience, never confront!! It is painful holding it all in, but my siblings and I even if we say very mild things to mom she rages! It is very true, it only makes it worse.  They will never care about our lives. This is extremely sad :( but true.  This has been the most hurtful part, they just don't care. We have to Love ourselves enough to not let it hurt us, but I'm not there yet :sadno: It's a terrible dark hole to be in.  I am so sorry you are going through this. Maybe your Dad would be different and hear you. Most N's only see us as extensions, not worthy people who need love. Best wishes. I understand and send you  :bighug:

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MissPearl

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Re: Does it ever pay to confront a nBPD on their behaviour?
« Reply #9 on: June 21, 2016, 08:13:24 PM »
Eh... It paid for me but I wouldn't do it again. My mother just argued in circles and my father lied and became violent. With both encounters, I learned what my parents truly felt about me and how sick their thinking was. It gave me the ability to let go and say to myself...it's ok to let go and go NC. I haven't yet because we live with them but it truly let the air Out of the FOG balloon for me. Just my experience.

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Zebrastriped

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Re: Does it ever pay to confront a nBPD on their behaviour?
« Reply #10 on: June 22, 2016, 08:31:12 AM »
Afterthefox, confronting BPD about their behavior is a no win.  In my experience, they just change their story.  Also, now they know for sure what bothers you and can use it as a weapon.

Only you can decide if its healthier to maintain a relationship or to cut it off altogether.  And that decision may change based on events.  I had holiday contact with uBPDmom for a long time, so there was always something going on when we were together and dsis to supervise.  I've increased the contact as her health has declined.  I've also decreased the contact as I found out what my limits were.  by my choice, she knows nothing of significance about my life or family.  Its pretty superficial because that's my choice and its safer for the soul.

None of this is easy, so its wise you are debating the various issues.  I hope you can find a peace point.

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overitall

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Re: Does it ever pay to confront a nBPD on their behaviour?
« Reply #11 on: June 22, 2016, 11:27:55 AM »
It doesn't pay it is will cause you more grief and misery....I wouldn't never touch that hornet's nest unless you're ready for the drama to increase.... :stars:

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wisingup

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Re: Does it ever pay to confront a nBPD on their behaviour?
« Reply #12 on: June 22, 2016, 11:35:10 AM »
I confronted by uBPDm recently, and now we are NC.  Her behavior became intolerable.  At first I just withdrew, and that meant (to her) that I was cold, unfeeling & didn't care about her.  So I finally told her my issues & then I was being mean & really she was the victim here.  Now she is the wounded one & giving me the ST.   So, no, I wouldn't say it worked out real well!

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Jade63

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Re: Does it ever pay to confront a nBPD on their behaviour?
« Reply #13 on: June 22, 2016, 06:49:06 PM »
Well, it depends on what you consider a rewarding payoff.

I found that confrontation (even when well-stated and unemotional) did not yield a payoff of understanding and remorse on NM's part as I had hoped.

However, it DID yield a payoff of satisfaction that I had indeed done all that I could to remedy the situation before going NC. NM cannot "unhear" the things I said to her regardless of the spin she puts on our NC in front of others.

~Jade

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wisingup

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Re: Does it ever pay to confront a nBPD on their behaviour?
« Reply #14 on: June 22, 2016, 07:12:57 PM »
I agree with Jade.  It did help me, in that I said my piece.  Now if she chooses to be one of those estranged parents who says "My daughter won't tell me why she won't talk to me,"  well, I know that is not the case - she can refer to the bulleted list I provided her.  :)