How to do a confrontation with familymember

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hope2016

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How to do a confrontation with familymember
« on: June 25, 2016, 10:27:14 AM »
Advice on how to do a confrontation with my father.

He hates confrontations and feel it is not of his concern how I am feeling about a bad situation in our family. The situation has been ignored for years and my dad guildtripped me for sharing my thought about it. So I stopped sharing and as a result I stopped visiting because I my boundaries were crossed in the sense that I were not welcome to discuss the topic of the bad situation.
I am now unable to express myself towards him, but I need to do it now - any advise on how to get the nerve to confront again? When the person has been dismissive of the particularly confrontation before..

The topic is his sister - my aunt - whom have been treating me like s... and used manipulation on my. I feel. She has refused to confront it and we are in NC. I do not wish to be in contact with this person.
I have discovered that I am sensitive to the behavior of suppression instead of expression in my intire family. I don't react good to this and I need to learn to set boundaries in a good way, with the people I am involved with: my dad primarily.

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VividImagination

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Re: How to do a confrontation with familymember
« Reply #1 on: June 25, 2016, 10:39:45 AM »
I have a question - if your aunt has been treating you badly and you have cut contact with her, what will discussing it with your father accomplish? Is he pushing you to reestablish contact? Is he participating in a smear campaign with her?

I guess it's not clear how he's involved.
There are three solutions to every problem: accept it, change it, or leave it. If you cannot accept it, change it. I f you cannot change it, leave it.

Sometimes you're damned if you don't and damned if you do, so damn well do what's best for you.

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hope2016

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Re: How to do a confrontation with familymember
« Reply #2 on: June 25, 2016, 02:22:30 PM »
Smear campaign: he has adopted some of the perceptions on me, that my aunt and grandmom directly has presented me for verbally, so I can only guess who has manipulated him to conclude so and so. He act as their humble servant.

I cant have a relationship with him if I don't feel that he respect me. He is involved with his sister and she keeps up the contact with him. I cant have a relationship with him if I cant share who I am openly - what I am feeling to at least some extend. I become another person in this context, an actor and less direct, suited his needs and not mine. I cant respect him for not taking my site when it happened and now he just keep going on like nothing has happened.

I feel i am treated better if I act like him, but I dont want to be like that, I cant be that and a healthy me at the same time.
To be me, nothing less and nothing more, that woul dbe lovely. Cant function in the interaction with him without a play.

(Also he didn't get me as a child and I have a wound from my childhood that is triggered in the current situation.
I have realized that I was a less happy child because of the devious guild tripping nature of me familymembers behavior towards eachother and me as a child. My father never defended me. And the wound grows to contemp. Because he wasn't able to defend me as a child and now he is unable to take my site and react to their mistreat.)

I have a question - if your aunt has been treating you badly and you have cut contact with her, what will discussing it with your father accomplish? Is he pushing you to reestablish contact? Is he participating in a smear campaign with her?

I guess it's not clear how he's involved.

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bopper

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Re: How to do a confrontation with familymember
« Reply #3 on: June 27, 2016, 01:25:15 AM »
 
If you confront him...will that make him change?  probably not.

We talk about setting boundaries because you can't change other people, only yourself.

So if he says something disrespectful to you, at first you could say "That is disrespectful, Dad. Please don't talk like that to me."
If he does it again, then you leave the room.
If he continues, then you have to ask why you want to have a relationship with someone who keeps hurting you.
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.

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hope2016

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Re: How to do a confrontation with familymember
« Reply #4 on: June 28, 2016, 08:18:44 PM »
Simply put: because of my younger siblings.

If you confront him...will that make him change?  probably not.

We talk about setting boundaries because you can't change other people, only yourself.

So if he says something disrespectful to you, at first you could say "That is disrespectful, Dad. Please don't talk like that to me."
If he does it again, then you leave the room.
If he continues, then you have to ask why you want to have a relationship with someone who keeps hurting you.

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all4peace

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Re: How to do a confrontation with familymember
« Reply #5 on: June 28, 2016, 09:12:09 PM »
I feel like he has as much right to not talk about it as you have a right to want to talk about it. There are consequences for each. Him refusing to talk about it may have the effect of making you feel less close to him. You talking about it may make him feel angry and resentful for being put between you and his sister.

It's disappointing and upsetting, but he does have the right to stay out of this situation.

I totally get that this brings up his disappointing behavior from childhood. If you don't feel he is a healthy or safe person for you to have a relationship with, you can choose to end this relationship or accept it with its limitations. You cannot make it what you wish it would be, no matter how good that would be or how much you want it.

I don't say this to be harsh. I say it to try to save you as many years of head-beating as I took on, seriously believing somehow if I wanted it badly enough and tried hard enough that I could make certain relationships supportive and loving.

If you wish to have contact with your younger siblings, then you might need to carefully choose your battles. I'll repeat what bopper said: The only person you can change is you. Boundaries are NOT about making someone else do something. They are about what you will or will not accept as behavior towards you.

For example:

My wish: ILs would treat us with dignity and respect for our privacy.
My boundary: If you shout at me, I will end the conversation.

My wish: My mother would behave like a proper mother.
My boundary: I need to be able to reach you via text while you are caring for my children (as yet unspoken: "Or they will no longer stay with you")

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butterfly11

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Re: How to do a confrontation with familymember
« Reply #6 on: June 29, 2016, 06:26:52 PM »
Maybe you don't really  mean "confront" or do you? The word is inherently combative. If you mean "talk" to him, but you go in thinking of it as a confrontation, then it will be one. But no one, no matter how justified should ever really desire to "confront." There is no good end to a confrontation.

There's being assertive, which comes from a place of valuing your own opinion. But others are not required to value your opinion for you to. If you go in requiring some kind of agreement, then you are setting the other person up to fail.

No matter how much a situation needs to be dealt with, people don't respond well to confrontations.

If you want to do it so someone will change their behavior, you probably already know people don't change for other people. Focus on your own self and your own issues. It's hard to accept what is and to move on when you haven't gotten the validation you want. But the truth is, the validation can't come from people who haven't given it already. So you can stay upset or you can just work on your own life. Feeling lonely in your journey is a given. But it's better than remaining enmeshed with those people.

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hope2016

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Re: How to do a confrontation with familymember
« Reply #7 on: July 01, 2016, 03:03:27 PM »
Thank toy for your honest reply. Refreshing, yet a view I have lived by my intire life up until I couldn't anymore.
The fact is that I feel I am changing the person I am in order to please his needs and this reaction has prove unhealthy for me. Trying to be someone ells, include acting like him, isn't healthy. I have turned to focus on my values: such as openness, insightfull conversations, honesty and mutual respect, positive confrontation instead of mean insinuations accurring between members in my family. I have chosen to act out who I am and respect myself, including my own boundaries. Sometimes this means I simply don't go and see them for six month, resulting in some amount of grief, but that's just the case when the mean insinuations are accruing. The process has also resulted in my not giving a damn about abusive people; the bond metween me and my aunt are finally destroyed and put to the ground.
The reason for me wishing to confront my wish for openness/talk about communication with my father is because I want to get rid of the destructive anger that comes from this situation. I simply cant live with the anger.

The situations has also made me fragile, vulnerable and with the open confrontation as my only tool. Say for example, my grandmother says something downputting and put it as a truth - I now correct her right away and says "No this is not the case, but if you would like to discuss it we can do that". But they don't respond to openness, and the rest of the table keeps up a quiet tone.

"The years of head-beating" I have gone through a lot of times and I cant go through this again.
So I just act as I am. Only seeking people where there is a normal atmosphere in my opinion. And stating my opinion up front when someone is abusive.

My aunt says I am abusive btw and I have done nothing harmfull towards her. I will not let that go. Unfortunately.

XXXX

I feel like he has as much right to not talk about it as you have a right to want to talk about it. There are consequences for each. Him refusing to talk about it may have the effect of making you feel less close to him. You talking about it may make him feel angry and resentful for being put between you and his sister.

It's disappointing and upsetting, but he does have the right to stay out of this situation.

I totally get that this brings up his disappointing behavior from childhood. If you don't feel he is a healthy or safe person for you to have a relationship with, you can choose to end this relationship or accept it with its limitations. You cannot make it what you wish it would be, no matter how good that would be or how much you want it.

I don't say this to be harsh. I say it to try to save you as many years of head-beating as I took on, seriously believing somehow if I wanted it badly enough and tried hard enough that I could make certain relationships supportive and loving.

If you wish to have contact with your younger siblings, then you might need to carefully choose your battles. I'll repeat what bopper said: The only person you can change is you. Boundaries are NOT about making someone else do something. They are about what you will or will not accept as behavior towards you.

For example:

My wish: ILs would treat us with dignity and respect for our privacy.
My boundary: If you shout at me, I will end the conversation.

My wish: My mother would behave like a proper mother.
My boundary: I need to be able to reach you via text while you are caring for my children (as yet unspoken: "Or they will no longer stay with you")

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hope2016

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Re: How to do a confrontation with familymember
« Reply #8 on: July 01, 2016, 03:15:41 PM »
Thanks a lot. So true. The loneliness will exist, but I can deal with it in a positive manner with a little help.

I must admit I believe confrontations can be positive. I mean confrontation in a positive sense. Or simply put: the openness that a healthy relationship needs to thrive.

"To feel safe enough to feel safe to express yourself". That is the case.

If my dad tolerate abusive behavior from my aunt - and abusive behavior from his own mother towards him - the stagnation is terrible. I cant breath.





Maybe you don't really  mean "confront" or do you? The word is inherently combative. If you mean "talk" to him, but you go in thinking of it as a confrontation, then it will be one. But no one, no matter how justified should ever really desire to "confront." There is no good end to a confrontation.

There's being assertive, which comes from a place of valuing your own opinion. But others are not required to value your opinion for you to. If you go in requiring some kind of agreement, then you are setting the other person up to fail.

No matter how much a situation needs to be dealt with, people don't respond well to confrontations.

If you want to do it so someone will change their behavior, you probably already know people don't change for other people. Focus on your own self and your own issues. It's hard to accept what is and to move on when you haven't gotten the validation you want. But the truth is, the validation can't come from people who haven't given it already. So you can stay upset or you can just work on your own life. Feeling lonely in your journey is a given. But it's better than remaining enmeshed with those people.