No one to talk to.

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AncientSoul

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No one to talk to.
« on: June 25, 2016, 01:16:44 PM »
Hi: Just need an ear. I posted on here several months ago as I have an older sister and her kids who I went no contact with (doctor's advice) after my mother died in 2010. I was caregiver to the family, was with them when they passed away, and gave up things in my life which I loved to do and also my job so I could help take care of them all. Would I do it again? Yes, without question, I would, and I'm a guy.

My sister is eleven years older than myself. We have a brother who is a stroke victim since 2001. My sister moved right in, has taken anything and everything she could get her hands on, (property, cars, pensions, etc.) and my sister blames me for everything and calls me "no good and worthless". I stood up against my sister for years, fighting for my mother and brother for a better quality of life for them. It has nearly killed me. (CPTSD)

Today I'm wondering if I truly am the problem? Since 2010 I have fought back to being physically healthy again, doctor's were worried that I was so sick I wouldn't make it to the next day. Stress can kill. I had no help from nieces or nephews, of which I have four (sister's kids) They live for free in a rental house of which I own half. My sister even charges me for their electricity, garbage, buys things for them, and does useless upgrades which I object to her doing. They are expensive and don't improve anything, but only for her to charge them against me. I have had no income since I quit my job to be a caregiver in 1999. I lived off my investments I made from working hard all my life.

My nieces and nephews have really good jobs. Despite that, before I went NC with my sister in 2010, I helped them out and loaned them lots of money. My mother objected to me doing that, telling me I didn't understand what I was doing, and that my sister and her kids would never pay me back. I believed in the good in people, and my mother proved to be right.

In August of 2015, I spoke with my sister of all the money I had spent for funerals, upkeep, loans, etc, which came out of what money I had saved all those years. I asked when I would be paid back. She said no one owes me anything and called me worthless again, and then she told me she had it on good authority that I was the biggest drunk in the area. (I seldom drink, I have never done drugs, and people I know tell me that I'm a good person.)

I have received no help from my sister or her kids, even when I was sick and couldn't walk. No visits from my nieces or nephews, though they live right across the road, and no one is paying me back the money I loaned, even though they live in my rental house and I haven't received any income from it since 2009.

There is a lot more, but during this time, I have noticed that my friends don't come around. For years I have budgeted 30 dollars a month for my food. I don't do many things, as I couldn't work after my Mom died because I was so sick. Now that I'm better, I've run out of money to survive. I will get social security in September, and could easily be okay if my sister and her kids would pay me back. So far, they've taken everything of my brother's, all his property, and my sister even went after all my property, trying to get her kids names on my property deeds. That is not going to happen. Years ago, she offered me help, had the papers for the property transfers of my property to her own kids, and I refused.  Her reply. "Don't say I didn't offer to help." I had told my mother about that offer, and my mother told me, and I quote, "I'd rather you lose everything than to let your sister trick you into getting everything you have."

I really don't have anyone to talk to. My friends think I should sell and move. Trouble is, I don't like to be chased away, and my place is actually beautiful and comfortable. It's just the neighbors (sister and her kids) that create problems.

So, no girlfriend, no ex wives, no kids, and no friends that come to visit. I'm feeling worthless and alone. Thing is, everywhere I go, people talk to me, tell me how nice I am, and I have received many awards for the volunteer work that I've been able to do when I could.   

I have spoken with my oldest niece, who lives for free in my rental house. She said that her mother (my sister) told them all that I don't want to see anyone and that I wished to be left alone. Years before I told each one of my nieces and nephews that per doctors orders, I was to stay away from my sister (their mother) for my own health and safety. So my sister had twisted that into my not wanting to see anyone. My niece said that in order to be "better", I had to talk to her "Mommy", that her "Mommy" would fix everything and I needed to talk to her. Wow, that was really weird, but fits into the brainwashing that my sister did to me for all those years.

I really believe that my sister would kill me if she could figure out how to get away with it. She is very smart. I always watch my back on my own property when I'm outside. My poor brother is still there, and she takes care of him. But he has no quality of life in any way, shape or form. My sister controls all aspects of his existence, but she gets his two big pensions all for herself. She actually has her big pension, her deceased husbands big pension, and social security, so that is five pensions she has. My sister once told me in front of my mother, that she was going to make sure that I spent every dime I had. That was after she found out that my mother had gone to two different attorneys to rewrite her will and make sure I was protected from my sister. No one figured I would myself get sick.

Thanks for listening. I'm unsure of my next move. I don't know what to do, other than sell what I have and moving somewhere away from the craziness of my sister and her kids.
AncientSoul

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caramelia

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Re: No one to talk to.
« Reply #1 on: June 25, 2016, 01:49:30 PM »
I am so sorry you're struggling so. Is there no way to recoup the money owed to you?

Sorry I dont' have great advice. More seasoned posters will come along soon I'm sure. Hang in there.

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AncientSoul

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Re: No one to talk to.
« Reply #2 on: June 25, 2016, 02:04:00 PM »
Just needed to get it off my chest. It is my problem and I need to deal with it. Sometimes, a person needs to vent, at least that is what I am told.

Thanks for the ear.
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hope2016

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Re: No one to talk to.
« Reply #3 on: June 25, 2016, 02:43:03 PM »
"She said no one owes me anything and called me worthless again, and then she told me she had it on good authority that I was the biggest drunk in the area. (I seldom drink, I have never done drugs, and people I know tell me that I'm a good person."

My therapist told me this: If you are trying to figure the hole thing out, whats your part in it and your responsibility, you are the one who is sane and not the other way around. Good luck with everything
1. free from mental derangement; having a sound, healthy mind: a sane person.
2. having or showing reason, judgment, or good sense: sane advice.
3. healthy.



Hi: Just need an ear. I posted on here several months ago as I have an older sister and her kids who I went no contact with (doctor's advice) after my mother died in 2010. I was caregiver to the family, was with them when they passed away, and gave up things in my life which I loved to do and also my job so I could help take care of them all. Would I do it again? Yes, without question, I would, and I'm a guy.

My sister is eleven years older than myself. We have a brother who is a stroke victim since 2001. My sister moved right in, has taken anything and everything she could get her hands on, (property, cars, pensions, etc.) and my sister blames me for everything and calls me "no good and worthless". I stood up against my sister for years, fighting for my mother and brother for a better quality of life for them. It has nearly killed me. (CPTSD)

Today I'm wondering if I truly am the problem? Since 2010 I have fought back to being physically healthy again, doctor's were worried that I was so sick I wouldn't make it to the next day. Stress can kill. I had no help from nieces or nephews, of which I have four (sister's kids) They live for free in a rental house of which I own half. My sister even charges me for their electricity, garbage, buys things for them, and does useless upgrades which I object to her doing. They are expensive and don't improve anything, but only for her to charge them against me. I have had no income since I quit my job to be a caregiver in 1999. I lived off my investments I made from working hard all my life.

My nieces and nephews have really good jobs. Despite that, before I went NC with my sister in 2010, I helped them out and loaned them lots of money. My mother objected to me doing that, telling me I didn't understand what I was doing, and that my sister and her kids would never pay me back. I believed in the good in people, and my mother proved to be right.

In August of 2015, I spoke with my sister of all the money I had spent for funerals, upkeep, loans, etc, which came out of what money I had saved all those years. I asked when I would be paid back. She said no one owes me anything and called me worthless again, and then she told me she had it on good authority that I was the biggest drunk in the area. (I seldom drink, I have never done drugs, and people I know tell me that I'm a good person.)

I have received no help from my sister or her kids, even when I was sick and couldn't walk. No visits from my nieces or nephews, though they live right across the road, and no one is paying me back the money I loaned, even though they live in my rental house and I haven't received any income from it since 2009.

There is a lot more, but during this time, I have noticed that my friends don't come around. For years I have budgeted 30 dollars a month for my food. I don't do many things, as I couldn't work after my Mom died because I was so sick. Now that I'm better, I've run out of money to survive. I will get social security in September, and could easily be okay if my sister and her kids would pay me back. So far, they've taken everything of my brother's, all his property, and my sister even went after all my property, trying to get her kids names on my property deeds. That is not going to happen. Years ago, she offered me help, had the papers for the property transfers of my property to her own kids, and I refused.  Her reply. "Don't say I didn't offer to help." I had told my mother about that offer, and my mother told me, and I quote, "I'd rather you lose everything than to let your sister trick you into getting everything you have."

I really don't have anyone to talk to. My friends think I should sell and move. Trouble is, I don't like to be chased away, and my place is actually beautiful and comfortable. It's just the neighbors (sister and her kids) that create problems.

So, no girlfriend, no ex wives, no kids, and no friends that come to visit. I'm feeling worthless and alone. Thing is, everywhere I go, people talk to me, tell me how nice I am, and I have received many awards for the volunteer work that I've been able to do when I could.   

I have spoken with my oldest niece, who lives for free in my rental house. She said that her mother (my sister) told them all that I don't want to see anyone and that I wished to be left alone. Years before I told each one of my nieces and nephews that per doctors orders, I was to stay away from my sister (their mother) for my own health and safety. So my sister had twisted that into my not wanting to see anyone. My niece said that in order to be "better", I had to talk to her "Mommy", that her "Mommy" would fix everything and I needed to talk to her. Wow, that was really weird, but fits into the brainwashing that my sister did to me for all those years.

I really believe that my sister would kill me if she could figure out how to get away with it. She is very smart. I always watch my back on my own property when I'm outside. My poor brother is still there, and she takes care of him. But he has no quality of life in any way, shape or form. My sister controls all aspects of his existence, but she gets his two big pensions all for herself. She actually has her big pension, her deceased husbands big pension, and social security, so that is five pensions she has. My sister once told me in front of my mother, that she was going to make sure that I spent every dime I had. That was after she found out that my mother had gone to two different attorneys to rewrite her will and make sure I was protected from my sister. No one figured I would myself get sick.

Thanks for listening. I'm unsure of my next move. I don't know what to do, other than sell what I have and moving somewhere away from the craziness of my sister and her kids.

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Muggins

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Re: No one to talk to.
« Reply #4 on: June 25, 2016, 03:46:04 PM »
Hi AncientSoul,

Your situation makes me feel a bit queasy because it's similar to what my own was with my sister years ago. We inherited our parents' house and her son lived in it mostly rent free for a few years before we sold it. The sense of entitlement they had was amazing. It was a very unpleasant few years for me and my husband but nothing compared to what you're enduring. It's just not worth it. It sounds like you know what you need to do although I imagine it'll be very hard to untangle.

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Karelu

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Re: No one to talk to.
« Reply #5 on: June 26, 2016, 06:17:49 PM »
AncientSoul, you mention that your nieces and nephews all have good jobs.  Would you be willing to consider having a conversation with your oldest niece about needing to collect rent on your rental home because you're living on a limited budget and your savings are depleted?  I realize that would be a difficult conversation to have at this point, but it would be a start to moving in a direction to bring in income again (either via her or some other person who is looking for a place to rent).  It would probably be better to rent to a non-family member, anyway, if your sister keeps initiating unnecessary upgrades at your expense.  If your niece decided to stay, you might want to draw up a contract that forbids upgrades without your approval, then you have legal recourse if your sister continues doing what she's doing.  As a matter of fact, regardless of whether or not you decide to charge rent, you may want to consider drawing up a rental agreement with such a clause.

I'm sorry you're suffering and feeling so alone.  Your sister sounds awful.  From what you've shared with us, you sound like a very kind, generous person.  And you definitely sound like you are far from worthless.

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bopper

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Re: No one to talk to.
« Reply #6 on: June 27, 2016, 01:21:31 AM »
Is it possible to get a lawyer to help you sell the rental house? That way you can get some of your money out of it. Or at least paying you rent?

Also it might be good to talk to a therapist about how you can extricate yourself from your sister/children's life so they can stop using you and your money.
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.

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AncientSoul

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Re: No one to talk to.
« Reply #7 on: June 27, 2016, 12:53:20 PM »
Thanks again for the responses. As I said, I needed to vent about this situation. To me, it is unreal and my parents did warn me. But effective brainwashing by my sister since I was a little kid has taken a lot of time to overcome. I'm still at risk, and I know it.

I did speak to my oldest niece about her and her fiance' and two of his kids living in the rental house. I had explained I own half of all that property, and their mother (my sister) keeps running up bills and doing things for which I do not approve. It was like speaking to my sister with talking to my niece. And my niece taught family values at a University. (until she was let go)

For those that may understand, since my mother died, and I believe my sister was responsible for my mother's death, my own body has a defense system that kicks in. For years, I would freeze up if I saw my sister, so I would avoid even going on one side of my property. Then I installed a security system and cameras. I found that when I left my place, my sister would be snooping around. My mother had the keys to my house, and on one security camera, I saw my sister going into my house using my mother's keys. I changed all the locks to use both keys and security codes. One time when I was gone, my sister called me up to say that my new security system was going off, and I had new locks. My sister demanded that I give her all the security codes. I told her "NO", then I hung up. I had spoken to the sheriff, and all I had to do was call them and they would check on my place. After that, I quit getting photos of my sister snooping around my property. For years, before I was caregiver to my family, (parents, aunts and uncles) my sister and her family would break into my house to use it, they would mess up my place, break things, and ruin nice things that I had. When confronted, my sister would say, "That's what family does." She never paid me back or replaced anything used, borrowed or broken. "Borrowed" is the term I use for her just taking things of mine. She would say they were "hers". Seems that everything my family ever bought or had she says is "hers".

A few years ago, I learned that a professor at the University of Oregon in Eugene had been doing research into something she called DARVO. It stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It explains to an extent situations in regard to people like my sister. In August of this year, I believe the research will be presented at a national convention of Psychiatrists. But it sure explained a lot to me.

I have done the best I could under the circumstances. I will do better, as I have no choice. But I chose life over death in the things I have done these last several years. I needed to get better and regain my strength. Believe it or not, a doctor friend of mine visited me last month. No one could figure out why I was as sick as I was. But now I'm doing pretty good. My doctor friend asked me a lot of questions, and we both wondered if I wasn't poisoned in some way through the years. He noted that I started getting better when I put in the security system and the highly secure locks on my house and property. It's speculation, but as my mother and father told me in regard to my sister. "Expect anything."

I was going to call a "family meeting" with my nieces and nephews. I was also going to write them all to ask them when I would be paid back. I gave their mother a spread sheet a year ago, with copies of receipts showing all I paid for. I got no response other than "No one owes me anything." That was from my sister. And always after she says that, she tells me that I'm a "typical, no good, worthless man of the family." That is not what I hear from people who know me. And when my father died, the church was standing room only. Even now when people see me on the streets, I hear comments of how nice my parents were and all the good they did for the community and how well liked they were.

My sister always has kept things secret and not tell anyone anything. Yet she wants to know everything about everyone else. (But says she doesn't). When she describes herself, she says she is "The most loving, kindest, least greedy and smartest person in the whole wide world." I've heard her say that all my life. When my mother heard that, she would say, "Bull****!!!!"

I may need to go to a judge, ask for a partition of property, then sell and move. I have one option that could save me. While being a caregiver, I was able to work in research since 2001. The research was in the medical field. I got no pay and was under nondisclosure the whole time. We released the information on the research recently as we received U.S and worldwide patents on a newly discovered molecule with infinite possibilities for helping people. I just need to survive long enough to get my social security in September. I've been selling things, but I'm not good at it. And with the research, it can open up many doors.

One thing, despite the hurdles, I never give up. We all should keep moving forward.
AncientSoul

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Brigid O.

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Re: No one to talk to.
« Reply #8 on: June 27, 2016, 05:27:10 PM »
Dear Ancient Soul:  Take heart.  You obviously have an excellent, analytical mind which allows you to step back and see how you have been treated by your sister.  I had to respond to your posting because my sister says the exact same thing to me when she does or threatens to do something violative, i.e., "that's what family does."  So, it's like talking to a brick wall.

May I suggest an intermediate step which you have started to undertake already by means of the spread sheet, etc.?  I suggest that you formally write up a "demand" letter --very dispassionately -- asking that you be repaid by a certain date, and setting forth again all expenses owed you.  If you hire an attorney, either he/she or you would do this as a first step before any formal legal proceedings. 

You should write your letter as though you were writing to a prospective jury, e.g., "I sent you a spreadsheet on ________________ but you only responded by saying _______________.  I tried to talk to you repeatedly about debts owed on _______________, _______________ and _____________, but you failed to respond other than to deny the debts."  And so on.  You need to make a formal, in writing, request of all monies due you and ask that they be repaid in full by 30 or 60 days.  I would also suggest sending the letter in multiple ways, e.g., emailing the letter, sending it return receipt requested, FED EX, etc., -- anything to show that it has been received.  After it is received, then you can evaluate what you want to do from there.  You may do nothing.  But at least you will have taken a step to memorialize formally and without emotion, the debts owed.

I also understand the physical, visceral reaction to wanting to be away from a certain person, as you described.  If it were me, I would sell the house, take my losses and get as far away as I could for my own health.  I send you my very best wishes.

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AncientSoul

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Re: No one to talk to.
« Reply #9 on: June 28, 2016, 03:15:55 PM »
Dear Brigid O: You bring up a good point. And you are correct, as selling and moving has been the advice of medical professionals and people I know in the legal fields, as well as close friends who know my sister and her kids very well. It is myself that is holding me back, as well as the love of the place where I have called home for so many years. My family has been on this property for 106 years, and it holds history, memories and after my traveling all over the country and some of the world, its beauty is incredible. I am lucky as to where I live.

I also know my sister's history of how she reacts. In her job as a deputy administrator for DSHS in the State, she was noted for literally destroying people who opposed her. In the past, she has told me things she did, and her smile about what she did to them and how she did it was unnerving. Basically, if someone opposes her, she puts ten times the work towards them in vicious retribution. My sister has no conscious or empathy. Her late husband often spoke to me of how "cold" my sister is. I have been writing a book about what my sister has done to myself and my family since I was a child. Since I have incredible recall, I stop and begin again when I am able. I come from a family of geniuses on both sides. (Yeah, I'm a real genius, just look at what I've let happen to me.)

So here is another event which happened in regard to the rental property of which I own half interest.

The house was rented out, my sister saw to that. But she got in questionable people. In 2006 the woman who was subsidized through the county to live in the house, well, finally got her to leave. Before leaving, she destroyed things including smashing holes in the roof from the attic. The roof needed to be replaced.

I was able to leave for a few days working with the medical research of which I was involved since 2001. When I got back, my sister had several bids for fixing the roof. They averaged $18,000. My sister gave them to me and asked me which one I would pay for. I hadn't had income since 1999, and I said I couldn't and those bids were unreasonable. I went out and asked some friends, and got a reasonable bid of $10,000, (if I helped and supplied the material) but just before starting, the contractor fell off a ladder and broke his leg. It was going to be the rainy season, I couldn't find anyone we could "afford", so I said I would do the job myself. I asked how much money was available, and my sister said, "$7,000". So my sister wrote me a check for $7,000 and I went to work on the roof despite the injuries to my back. But I was used to pain.

I worked hard on the roof, tore off the old, put up the new, and I did everything alone, without any help. It was a major job for a seasoned crew, but I did it alone. That was between my work as caregiver and also caretaker of the properties, so I had little time, and it took a while to do the job. But I finished, and the roof looked pretty good. Then my mother had another stroke and it was two months before my mother's 90Th birthday.

My mother recovered enough to have a party, (of which I used the few hundred dollars left from the $7,000 my sister had given me for the roof.) My Mom stood and greeted people, gave a speech, and even my brother attended in his wheelchair. (He is a stroke victim and cannot speak and is partially paralyzed)

After my mother gave the speech, everyone at the club was talking and having fun. I was speaking to friends and saw my sister walk through the door and she had a mean look in her eyes. She walked up to me, held out her hand and said, "I want that $7,000 back that I gave you for the roof." My sister got real mean, looked like she was ready to fist fight me, and I was stunned.

My mother ran right over after hearing that, (everyone in the club heard my sister) and my Mom said to my sister, "What is wrong with you?" My sister then said, "He's a deadbeat, I want my money back and right now." And my sister held out her hand. My friends in the club started talking to themselves about what just happened, I could hear them. Then my Mom said to my sister, "You're nuts!!!, He just worked hard to put that roof on, he doesn't get any pay, and you want the money back? You're nuts!!! Go home!!!"

My sister then said loudly so everyone could hear. "See what I have to put up with. See how they treat me. I shouldn't have to put up with this." Then she grabbed my brother's wheelchair, and my sister left with him. My nieces and nephews were looking, and all they said was, "That's Mommy."

My sister always took from our family and takes every opportunity to say bad things about my mother, father brother and myself. She show cases and looks for an audience. So when I decide I am strong enough to sustain the abuse, I must make a decision. Is it worth staying here on this property I bought and love so much. (My sister has taken or was given her shares of the family property)

The attorney I have said point blank to me that if he has to deal with my sister, its really gonna cost me.

Yes, I wrote a will long ago and wrote my nieces and nephews out of the will. I specifically stated my reasons, and said that my sister should or has in no way, shape or form, and power to make any decisions on my behalf. My estate will go mostly to Children's Hospital. I am a current Member of the Year for my work volunteering for over twenty years with them.

I'm pretty sure that if my sister knows of my plans, she would do anything to undermine me.

Its sad isn't it? If I challenge my sister, bad things happen. If I speak out against what my sister is doing, bad things happen. In the past, when I told her to stop her abuse, bad and worse things would happen. Every chance she got to berate us, my sister took. For a long time, I thought her behavior was normal. I couldn't have been more wrong. But that is dissociation and brainwashing. I covered up for her, because I wanted a sister who was nice. She said she was nice, but her actions proved otherwise.

I know I will have a battle ahead. I have to be strong enough to endure. So I'm getting my strength gradually, and I'm speaking here on this site. I have wondered long and hard if I am and have been the problem. The people that know me, who have seen what has happened, they all tell me that I'm the nicest guy and helpful. Even at work once years ago, I was voted the one person that everyone wanted to work with. That shocked the heck out of me. There were thousands of people in that company.

I'm also going through this alone. I have no one. Just me. If I leave, will I have made a mistake? I've made plenty of mistakes in my life, but I'm still here. That is why I'm reaching out on this forum. To find friends, ideas, even someone to tell me if I'm stupid. I consider all that is reasonable. I appreciate all the feedback. AncientSoul.
AncientSoul

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Freesailor

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Re: No one to talk to.
« Reply #10 on: July 15, 2016, 02:40:59 AM »
AncientSoul I can't even imagine what your going through.  I don't really know what to say except that I hear you.  It sucks to feel alone and it's one more thing on top of heaping challenges.  I have no advice for your situation.  I don't know enough.  I do hear you though.  Your not alone.  Keep hanging in there.  I hope very much that things get better for you.