Independence day . . . in more than one way :)

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Duality

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Independence day . . . in more than one way :)
« on: June 29, 2016, 04:29:57 PM »
I haven't posted in quite awhile because I realized I was in a hyper vigilant mode not only concerning my Bipolar/unBPD Twin,  but my worry and protecting of  her daughter/my niece as well as our Father . . . we all live together.  So . . . I "backed off" from social media, politics, and those circumstances that promoted it . . . including reading posts on this website.  As much as you all have tremendously helped, I realized I was constantly "feeding my fire" of angst by logging in every day.  It's different for everyone, please do not internalize my personal observation. Lol!!! Just think about what I typed?

Out of curiosity, I wonder if anyone else has discovered this about themselves?

Too, transitioning from cognitively understanding all of the material I've been reading concerning Personality Disorders and Mental illness . . . to . . . absorbing, assimilating, and using it, takes time for me. It occurs in jerks and spurts due to circumstance.  Sometimes the "light bulb" flickers sporadically, but, as time goes by, it grows from dim to "aHa"!!!

Leaving out 55 years of explanations, excuses, denials, etc., etc., etc. and far before my twin's nervous break-down, for most of my life, wherever I happen to be, I would end-up in counseling because I just couldn't believe that there wasn't something seriously wrong with me . . . well . . . aren't we all just a bit, one way or another?  especially given the circumstances a lot of us come from, that have seen too much as children, to live in and witness, without consequence?  In my family . . . this goes back at least three generations, on both sides of my family .  In living with my twin and facing MY demons, with self observation, awareness and with mutual encouragement to and from my youngest sister, who, btw, just completed her Masters in Psych, I've made progress.  My youngest sister is 8 1/2 years younger than I but she is more like a twin than my twin.

Where is this narrative going?  One twin accounted for . . . youngest sister accounted for . . . oh, yes . . . middle sister, 51/2 years younger than me . . . "Miss Princess and the Pea", when she was a child, has morphed into "Miss Slice and Dice".  Forgive me for lingering anger, resentment, etc., towards her from an extremely enlightening weekend at my Father's cabin. She went ballistic when I was in another room, so I don't know evrey single little detail (I could see it building) first directed at her three boys, then my niece, and ultimately, finishing with me because she didn't like the "look" I had on my face.  They live three thousand miles away and had come for their yearly visit.  I have minimal contact with her through out the year . . . holiday phone calls . . . and emails from me keeping her updated on my Father's health.  (My youngest sister went NC with her about 10 years ago.)  She and my twin were "buddies" for a few years, up until the "honey moon" ended when my twin and niece moved in with them . . . culminating in my twin's nervous breakdown and returning to CA to move in with my Father and I.

Oh my word!!!  The more I refused to engage, ie: JADE . . . the more furious she became.  She has never experienced this before from anyone in our family in her entire life.  She verbally beats everyone down, including her husband, into a puddle of submission.  I began gathering my niece and my items from around the cabin and she literally chased after me, going so far as to try to physically block me from leaving, screeching "You're taking her side!!!" of which I responded "That's your perspective" without shouting . . . which just made her even more furious. (My niece had already run to the "little cabin", separate one-room building, she and I were sharing).  It was all I could do not to "fight back".  I was furious that she would treat her boys, our niece, me, and my Father that way.
My niece cried herself to sleep, laying there next to me that night.  The next morning, before sunrise, I packed our things,  went to my Father's room, gave him a kiss and hug, told him my niece and I were returning home, and left.  Next?  My bipolar/unBPD twin.

Once we arrived home and my niece was in the shower after having told her mother of what had occurred (I didn't listen), I went to my twin and told her the following:  "Before I get my ass chewed and handed to me again, (which is how my twin usually reacts when it involves my niece) I will tell you exactly what I told "sister" . . . I am not the Mother. . . I don't know, nor do I want to know the details. . . and  I am not taking sides."  My twin began to say something and I shook my head "no" and said "Please . . . don't say anything more.  The less I know the better."

The adrenaline in my body has finally subside and has been replaced with a sense of inner peace that I have never known.  I did it . . . wow! . . .no more "peace keeping" . . . no more justifying, arguing, defending, and explaining . . . no more apologies for something I didn't do . . . no more guilt for having not "handled it better".  I am finished with being the Mother that I was forced and trained to be as a child.

I know there are more challenges ahead but I wanted to celebrate and share with you all.  Maybe my experience will encourage someone?
Happy Independence Day!!!

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Duality

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Re: Independence day . . . in more than one way :)
« Reply #1 on: July 01, 2016, 01:47:58 PM »
My middle sister that "raged" at me, is due back with her boys (ages 10, 12, and 14) from a 5 day trip to the beach, today . . . only to do laundry, play in the pool, and return to my Father's cabin for the weekend and then return to their home on Monday (3000 miles away).

While they were away, I attended to my Father who had to have minor surgery on Wednesday.
He's had several major! surgeries . . .  ilostomy, three angioplasties, unending pre and post op appointments, ER trips, and will be having back surgery soon.  btw . . . he has worked full-time through it all but has decided to retire come December.
For years she's called my Father and cried and apologized for not being able to "be there" to help.
Meanwhile, her and her family live a "jet set" life . . . winter vacations skiing . . . summer vacations here and then to Florida . . . I know, it all sounds like a "story book" or movie . . . lol!
Here is her opportunity "to help" . . . change or delay her beach trip . . . so she can "be there" for our Father . . . nope . . . instead my 12 year-old nephew called yesterday and asked how Grandpa was doing?
Due to Obamacare and CA economy my work hours have been drastically reduced, so I enrolled in an adult school taking Office Assistance,  Bookkeeping/Accounting Technician courses (can't afford anything else) and am seeking employment . . . while also being "the Mother". . . juggling school, work, caring for my father, learning to live with my Bipolar/unBPD twin and developing a relationship with my 15 year old niece.  I'm divorced and have no children.
I've always been aware of how I put myself into this position but found it impossible to "turn my back" on those in need.
Even if I wanted to, I can't. My youngest sister lives 1,200 miles away and is struggling with Lupus, thus cannot physically assist but keeps me from "pulling my hair out" with phone advise, encouragement and humor.  My twin isn't able to cope with anything other than her job, lol!, as an Alcohol and Drug Addiction Rehab facilitator, LOL!!! working "grave yard" and sleeping the rest of the time, ignoring her daughter and treating our home like a Bed and Breakfast.

OK . . . no more rolling around in the mud!  Here's what I'm struggling with . . .
Do I stay or do I go? Lol!!! Where's the music when you need it?
Do I stay home which would be interpreted as a challenge by her to "pick up where it was left off" . . . which I refuse to do . . .
or . . .
do I leave and avoid her . . . which I resent and seems "cowardly" . . . which would also be interpreted as "a win" by her but with much dis-satisfaction.
I am leaning towards leaving for the day because I'm tired in every way of the entire situation.
What say all of you?
Thanks

   

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Duality

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Re: Independence day . . . in more than one way :)
« Reply #2 on: July 05, 2016, 07:52:05 PM »
She and her boys have returned home.
I've finished all of the laundry brought from the cabin, put all their beach toys away, and put the pool toys away.
In so deep . . . it's extremely difficult to extricate myself.