I have done this before

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Lillith65

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I have done this before
« on: June 16, 2016, 10:33:52 AM »
I suddenly remembered my aunt who died several years ago. She lived alone and severely neglected herself and her home. My uAVPDM (who rang her every week) would often ring me to tell me how bad things were for her sister (who lived very near me). My aunt could be very mean and nasty and I had had enough so I was NC. This didn't stop my uAVPDM from trying to manipulate me to care for her. The aunt collapsed at home with pneumonia and was hospitalised where she refused all help and discharged herself telling them (according to my mother) that she'd insisted that her niece who was an RN was going to care for her. (That was me and I hadn't been an RN for over 10 years!) When I heard that I contacted the vulnerable adults service and told them exactly was happening. I refused to be manipulated but was put under a lot of emotional pressure by my mother regardless of my health.
My aunt was assessed as competent and died two weeks later at home having spent the time since she'd been discharged sitting in an armchair without moving at all for anything. Other family members took her food and drink and she sat in her own waste waiting to die.
It was very sad but this was a very disturbed woman with a PD who refused all help.
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm - anonymous.

Part of my story: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=54885.msg488293#msg488293
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=54892.msg488385#msg488385

NC uPDM; NC uBPDSis

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Lillith65

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Re: I have done this before
« Reply #1 on: June 16, 2016, 10:41:37 AM »
My mother's family.
My mother is ? uAVPD and is married to a uNPD who is violent
Sister 1 was married to an alcoholic who beat her
Sister 2 was also married to a violent alcoholic and is 'odd' herself
Sister 3 seems normal
Sister 4 killed herself after a very long period in a mental hospital
Sister 5 became agoraphobic, a hoarder, and neglected herself and her home. Dying of Diogenes syndrome sitting in her own waste
Brothers 1, 2 and 3 seemed normal
Brother 4 has been in a mental hospital and has SPD (schizotypical)

The family story however is that my Grandparents were absolutely lovely, kind and gentle and they had a lovely (albeit) poor childhood. This doesn't add up to me although I know that there are genetic influences on PDS and mental illness.
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm - anonymous.

Part of my story: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=54885.msg488293#msg488293
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=54892.msg488385#msg488385

NC uPDM; NC uBPDSis

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bigsis

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Re: I have done this before
« Reply #2 on: June 29, 2016, 02:02:44 AM »
*hugs* Sorry you had to deal with that.

I'm new hear but I wanted you to know I read your story. Contacting the appropriate professional services was the right thing to do, IMHO.

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: I have done this before
« Reply #3 on: June 29, 2016, 03:23:18 AM »
I agree - contacting the authorities was the right thing to do, especially if she was throwing your name around as her caregiver.

If you hadn't called, one of her neighbors might have and suddenly, you're under arrest for neglect - and have to prove you knew nothing about it any of this.

At the very least, you would have received some very nasty phone calls.

I went through something similar, refused to be dad's caregiver and when he fell, he didn't push his Life Alert button, presumably to teach me a lesson.  :roll:

Instead, he got carted off to the hospital, gave a long, rambling self-serving speech to the shrink about dating his visiting nurse (who was a 19-year-old-friend of mine, too, to give it extra gravitas   :no_shake:) - except the shrink wasn't buying it and declared him incompetent.  He's in a nursing home now - where he's belonged since unBPD mom died, or possibly even before that.

Now it's just a matter of push button, pay bill until he finally pops off.  I won't visit him and I won't have anything further to do with him.  That chapter of my life is over.   I push button, pay bill, but other than that, to me, he's already dead. 

I have no doubt if dad hadn't been  declared incompetent, it would have been more of the same lunacy as before - he gets a team to help him out, they start sending men, he locks them out, whines to his doctors that I SHOULD be taking care of him and I'm SUPPOSED to be taking care of him - and I get all sorts of stress-inducing phone calls trying to guilt me into it, to the point I was ready to have a lawyer fire off a Cease and Desist letter.

They choose their own destinies, just like the rest of us.  If your aunt wanted to help herself, she could have.  Instead, she chose to sit in a chair until she died.  Your help wouldn't have mattered - the only thing it would have done was give her somebody to ABUSE.

Everything you suggested?  She would have ignored it - or gone out of her way to do exactly the opposite of what you said.

If you noticed she was getting worse and called an ambulance, you'd have gotten hell for that, too.

It's a no-win situation.

If you're still in contact with your mom and she brings it up and insists things would have been better if *only you'd tried* - please shove it back to her side of the table with, "Well, anybody could have chosen to call an ambulance at any time, but nobody did - and that includes YOU.  I have to go." - and hang up.

I haven't gotten any calls like that - yet - but unNPD dad's birthday is coming up in August.  I'll be heavily screening all calls to the house.  I'm not putting up with people who tell me I made the wrong  decisions and SHOULD be caring for him, either here or at his.

You did the right thing and made the right decisions for you - and you cannot control another person.

You didn't cause this, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

Sometimes all you can do is walk away from it and let the chips fall where they may.

 :hug:

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Lillith65

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Re: I have done this before
« Reply #4 on: July 02, 2016, 11:38:43 AM »
Thanks bigsis.
WomanInterrupted I am sorry that you're going through this. I hope that it helps to know how familiar this is to some of us and I really, really appreciate your post  :)
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm - anonymous.

Part of my story: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=54885.msg488293#msg488293
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=54892.msg488385#msg488385

NC uPDM; NC uBPDSis