Story Time.

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Sassy Pharaoh

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Story Time.
« on: July 11, 2016, 05:09:32 AM »
Sup.

This is the story of how I got here.

So, I'm a guy, I'm gay. I had this huge crush on this guy in highschool. He was extremely hot, and I was convinced that we are very similar. I mean, I can tell a mere sexual attraction from a... Umm... Anyway, he was very straight; With tuff guy friends and all that shit (still is) not shallow, empathetic, also, super hot. And btw, not to brag.. I mean, just sayin.. I caught him checking me out a couple of times.  8-)

So: I kept fantasizing how we would be perfect for each other, how He would be happy with me. I know this sounds like just another dreamy highschool kid doing his thing, but bare with me.. After two years, when we were both in college (still are), I had a friend over, he was a mutual friend, so the guy called my friend to say hi when I said "hey tell him to come over he's cool"...
...
He did.
...
Just to be clear, after highschool, I always caught myself imagining being with him, I even started going to the gym in case he saw me on the street or smh, he would be like "damn, what a sexy thang dat boi iz"....
Never happened. Gym wasted.
We hung out for the night and conversed. Of course, I could hear my heartbeats like YO MAMA'S ASS ON DUH DANCEFLO! (meaning, I was nervous. Shaky too) At one point in the conversation he said "you may not know but, you're very much like me." and in my head, I was like "no fucking kidding? Better late than fucking never -.-'" but at the same time I was super happy that he shared the same beleif.
..
Sadly, we never talked after that.
..
Last week, I was on a web page, and saw something called "Avoidant Personality Disorder" so I clicked that shit. I read that "people with Avpd often escape to fantasy, to imagine having idealistic relationships."... I was stricken with joy.
Finally, a reason for my unhappiness, my unreasonableness, my sadlydoodliness. I was very happy, and I am now, because, I, at least, know. and knowing the problem is half of the solution!

Thanks you for reading this. If you're gay, I love you. We endured the same pain and I feel for you.

Take care.
« Last Edit: July 11, 2016, 05:11:15 AM by Sassy Pharaoh »

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xredshoesx

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Re: Story Time.
« Reply #1 on: July 11, 2016, 09:19:57 AM »
welcome to the forum sassy (i just realized i named you after the post)

it's awkward enough trying to find someone you mesh with in cisgender relationships, i can't even imagine how much more difficult that process becomes in any non- tradtional relationship where you have to deal with not only society as a whole being judgy and having stereotypes/ opinions as well as any potential internal struggles about the process. it's certainly a complex and complicated course to navigate as a young person.

you mentioned AVP in your post, and it sounds like you've done some reseach and you feel that it is a personality disorder that you think both yourself and the guy you were crushing on shared?  if i'm not reading this right please let us know.   either way, it takes a lot of courage and fortitude to come out and tell people these things and for that i give you a lot of credit for your openess.

the reason i am asking is that Out of the FOG is a support network for people that love someone or are in a relationship with someone with a personality disorder.   people with PD/ uPD are welcome to post here, but their posts have to be about their relationships with another PD person in their live, and not their own struggles and issues with their own diagnosis.  from what you've bravely shared, even though there may have been some interest with your crush, it did not materialize into an actual relationship, so it may be hard for the forum to help you.

we can't say for sure if you are AVP, but if you feel strongly that you fit the criteria you should definitely talk to your general practitioner or a qualified mental health professional.  there are also some great support groups for AVP at psychforums.com which you may want to check out.

good luck on your journey.
« Last Edit: July 11, 2016, 07:24:14 PM by xredshoesx »

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Sassy Pharaoh

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Re: Story Time.
« Reply #2 on: July 11, 2016, 11:06:02 PM »
Okay. Sorry, I did not know.
No, I don't think he's AVPD at all.
Thanks for letting me know nicely. :)