Made the mistake of sharing personal info with my PD sis...

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IAmReady

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I have decided to sink money into therapy with a top notch therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse and C-PTSD (which I believe I have, thanks to childhood trauma - I was raised by a NPD father and an enabler mother with a raging case of fleas). This is a big deal, because I actually have a therapist I'm already seeing, that I'm not paying for. Thanks to excellent health insurance, I get free therapy. Problem is, my therapist is a generalist, not a specialist, and I feel like general therapy can only offer limited returns (my current therapist only has limited understanding of PDs). The top notch therapist doesn't take insurance, but I feel confident that this is going to be money well spent. It's like I've got a broken nose, and am finally going to see an Ear/Nose/Throat doc, when for years I've been going to a foot doctor.

I made the decision on impulse to share this info with my uPD sister - she is getting her license to be a therapist, and has stated several times to me that she thinks the therapists available through our health insurance network aren't the best. You get what you pay for right? I haven't heard from her in a couple of weeks, and I texted her to share this news with her - she sent a couple of one-sentence responses and that was it. She didn't respond at all to my last couple of texts.

It wasn't like I was chatting about the new season of Orange is the New Black. I was sharing some very personal, very big deal news with her - she is aware of the context, and why this is a big deal for me. She herself has stated that it might be necessary to pay for therapy in order to get someone good (she's been in therapy herself for ages).

Her lack of interest and support when I reached out to her should not come as a surprise, and yet, I never fail to be hurt by it. This was all my own fault - I shouldn't have opened myself up to her or made myself vulnerable in any way. It was an impulse move, and now I'm regretting it. I feel like she used the opportunity of me being open and vulnerable, to shun me. It was in a small way (over text message) but still effective in making me feel bad.

Right now I just feel exposed and angry at her. How do you train yourself to not share any personal info with the PDs in your life? In this case it's been especially hard because we used to be close, and this is the kind of thing we would have shared without question.


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guitarman

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Re: Made the mistake of sharing personal info with my PD sis...
« Reply #1 on: July 12, 2016, 08:58:05 PM »
Hello IAmReady.

I would never share anything personal with my uBPD/uNPD sister. My brother did years ago and it was used against him and she blurted it all out to the rest of the family in a vicious way. He told it to her in confidence.

I've told her that I went to see a psychiatrist I've not told her why. She thinks it was because I was depressed I've not told her the real reason was that I couldn't cope with her behaviour and that made me feel depressed. I've never told her about all the mental health support groups I go to in order to cope with her. I think she would be so surprised if I ever did. She would want to know what I have been telling everyone about her.

If I did tell her she would only twist it all around to be all about her and that we are the cause of her problems so what's the point. She really doesn't need to know. It's nice for me to know that she doesn't know anything about this important part of my life.

Going to get help and support for me is about me and my needs not her and her needs.

There are specialists who will help you further. I'm sure it will all be of great benefit to you and hopefully worth all the extra costs. I wouldn't be where I am today without all the specialist personality disorder support I've had from mental health professionals who specialized in PD.

Have you checked out the NEABPD website? They have lots of information and video their conferences and other PD videos to watch.

http://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com

It's good that you told your sister. You seem to have a more open relationship with her than I do with mine. How she reacts to you telling her is her problem not yours. Perhaps she just can't cope with it all even though she is a counsellor herself. Like my sister she's probably good at helping others, even though my sister is the last person I would expect people to go to for help. If they only knew how she really was behind closed doors! She's not professionally trained but people pay her to sort out their problems and get advice from her, like a life coach.

I hope it all goes well for you.

Best wishes.



"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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healing

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Re: Made the mistake of sharing personal info with my PD sis...
« Reply #2 on: July 13, 2016, 02:32:38 PM »
I so understand how you're feeling.  This past weekend the same thing happened to me.  My sister only calls me to spew negativity and a lot of it has to do with my parents.  This past weekend I made a huge mistake in texting her the revelation that our father is a covert narc.  She didn't reply in the way I thought she would at all and instead pretended not to know why I would have a problem with him and then just didn't respond.  I told her not to say anything to our father but now thinking back I realize that anything I've asked her hasn't been kept in confidence. She couldn't even shovel the litter boxes for our cats when I got out of the hospital for pneumonia even though I begged her years ago.  I just feel like a fool.  The more I think about it my sister might be covert npd as well.  She sure does place more value on strangers than her family.  She says things like "I'll always have you to talk to right?"  Yet she doesn't listen to me, ever.  I've never gotten validation from my family and never will. 

I'm sorry you're going through what you are but you're not the problem.  Her response is the problem.  The only thing we can do is protect ourselves in the future.  I'm going to try to stop, breathe, and remember that some people will never be able to look outside of themselves and realize that other people have valid needs and emotions.  This is how I feel like I have to operate around me family  :blank: 

(hugs) you're not alone. 
Setting boundaries is a way of caring for myself.

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SPinSC

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Re: Made the mistake of sharing personal info with my PD sis...
« Reply #3 on: July 13, 2016, 03:48:51 PM »
IAMReady - I am so sorry to hear that you feel invalidated by your sister. That will hurt, especially because you believed you and she were closer than that. What you deserved was encouragement, and I'm sure that's what you were seeking by talking with her about this.

I have only one hypothesis that may, MAY explain her silence. Could it be that either she was or wanted to see that same therapist and since you got there first, she feels like she missed out? Or that, being in the field, she knows something about this therapist that she doesn't want to let on? I know I'm reaching, but if you felt close enough to share this, it seems there ought to be a reason for the silent treatment.

At least you came here and we're here to say congratulations on being proactive for your OWN health! It is wonderful news that, even though expensive, you know it's worth the better quality of care. Also, that you are worth that expense, because of your inherent value as a person! Hurray for that!  :applause:

As to the issue of not sharing with her in the future, to prevent future hurts, only you can decide what information needs to be personal. One thought I just had is to write down what you really, really want to share with her. Look it over before sharing it. Think about ways this could be misconstrued for whatever reason. Then, if you still feel safe giving this piece of yourself, this part of your story, away to someone else, share it with your sister. Otherwise, keep it for your journal as a landmark of where you were on thus-and-such day.

I don't write things down first generally, but I do run the words through my head to see how they sound before speaking. Sometimes, my husband thinks I'm ignoring him because of the pause. He'll just have to deal with it. I do want to run my words through the appropriate filter first. I usually regret it when I don't.

I think, and I could very well be wrong, that filtering what we say is a skill we learned, growing up with PD parents. Sometimes it isn't WHAT we say as much as HOW we say it that triggers them and we each know our consequences in our own families when that happened. It may just be time to turn up the filter with your sister from deeply personal, important information to personal information on a limited basis.

 :hug: to you.
I choose this day to rise up and be my best self, not succumbing to that which I sense is inside me, trying to drag me down.

Love is an action verb. You will know if it is genuine by the actions that support it, not by the frequency of the spoken words.

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Salsera

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Re: Made the mistake of sharing personal info with my PD sis...
« Reply #4 on: July 15, 2016, 01:34:56 AM »
You will never know what they are thinking. Or why they do what they do.

Take this as a lesson. Be careful who you share things with. Unfortunately, no one is safe.
"Faith is taking the first step even when you donít see the whole staircase." - Martin Luther King, Jr.
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

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SunnyandBright

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Re: Made the mistake of sharing personal info with my PD sis...
« Reply #5 on: July 16, 2016, 03:19:48 PM »
I read a lot of your back story.   It is obvious that your sister has a lot of issues that she is trying to hide.  It seems as though she wants everyone to believe she has it all together.  You aren't safe opening up to her and sharing your vulnerabilites with her, because she won't do the same.  Do you think its possible that because you helped her out of the situation with the cult, that she believes you still see her as vulnerable and damaged -- and she is so bent on proving to you that she isn't, that she's putting up this "tough and together" facade?   I have no idea - it's just a guess.   

I think that for now, you should keep your distance from her, and let her make any moves.  If she doesn't make any moves -- no phone calls, no visits, etc -- then what have you really lost?  If she does make overtures to you --- fine, get together with her or speak to her when you want to, and when it is convenient for you -- but let her do the asking.  And keep any personal info to a minimum.  I'm not sure what you'd have to talk about at that point, since she isn't sharing anything with you ---- but if there is silence, so be it.  People often try to fill the silence -- try to get comfortable with any silence, and see if she becomes the one who will try to fill it.  You may learn more about what is making her tick these days. 

The fact that she is becoming a therapist means nothing, in my opinion.  Like in every career, there are those who are good at it, and not so good at it.  As in any career, there are people who never had any business going into that field.  Is your sister one of these?  I don't know.  Sure seems like it when you describe her interactions with you --- but she could be totally different with strangers. 
(I kind of doubt it, though) 

I think your posts show that you are a warm, intelligent person.  I feel so bad for you that you have so much and so many to deal with, all sort of at the same time.  But actually, that is probably not coincidence as much as it is that you are coming Out of the FOG with one, so you see it with all. 
I know you may feel lonely at this point in your life --- but trust me, it's better to be lonely and alone, than lonely with others -- and not just lonely, but angry, resentful, anxiety ridden, driven crazy, etc.   
You know you have to minimize these people in your life, and replace them with different kinds of people.   I know it isn't easy --- but it will happen, bit by bit and when you least expect it, probably -- and if you want it to, and help it along.  You have the great benefit now of knowing what kind of people to stay away from.
The older you get - the more it's all about a peaceful, tranquil life.....   I think so, anyway.