Brother claims to be starving.

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johnboy

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Brother claims to be starving.
« on: July 21, 2016, 07:45:27 PM »
I am so sick of my BPD brother holding himself hostage for money. The situation is now that he overdrafted his account, and he doesn't have any food. He has a job delivering take-out (gets tip money), but texted me to tell me he was too hungry to go to work (!). Now he's asking me to buy him a pizza. And he's almost 30. It's pathetic. He's supposedly applying for food assistance, but if it involves paperwork he just won't do it then blame it on a corrupt system.

I'm done giving him money. I just know exactly how this is going to go. He's going to lose his job, then blame it on me for not buying him food. Then will it comes time for bills to be paid, he's going to shop that sob story around to the whole family for money. But I think everyone in the family is finally convinced that he needs to pay the piper himself.

He knows starving himself is an emotionally manipulative move. Then he ignores texts for a while, hoping that I'll obsess over him. But I'm so over this. I'm going to just leave town for the weekend. I'm not going to let his choices dictate my life any more.

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: Brother claims to be starving.
« Reply #1 on: July 22, 2016, 02:30:53 AM »
I think you're doing the right thing - what your brother is doing is blatant manipulation and it's only going to keep getting worse as he gets older and becomes more demanding and entitled.

If he calls again, you could try Medium Chilling him.

"Sorry to hear it.  Have you considered going to the City Mission for a free meal?  You could also call Catholic Charities - they may be able to help you out with a bag of free groceries."

If he makes excuses or tells you he can't, I'd reply with, "Well...I don't know what to tell you.  I can't help.  I have to go...the dog is on fire again (aka make an excuse)...bye."

My mom was unBPD and it was the only way to handle her when she started going Full Metal Waif on me.   :bawl: :bawl: :dramaqueen: :dramaqueen: :bawl: :pissed: :bawl: :dramaqueen: :dramaqueen:

Believe me, if he's hungry, he WILL find a way to eat - even if its dumpster diving at the local supermarket.

If you were to buy him a pizza, if he hasn't started already, you know what's in the works?

Complaining about the pizza you bought him - not enough toppings, not the right toppings, why so stingy with the toppings, what's with this cheese, why is the crust burnt, couldn't you at least have gotten him a DECENT pizza?   :blink:

That's what my mom would do - they can be masters of making you feel like they are doing YOU a favor and condescending to eat that SWILL you presented them.   :roll:

You are *not* responsible for his emotions, his eating habits and whether or not there's food in his cupboards - and I'm so glad you realize that.

Take that trip, live your life and let him figure it out without you.   8-)

Be well and stay strong - you really ARE doing the right thing!

 :hug:

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Dusty55

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Re: Brother claims to be starving.
« Reply #2 on: July 22, 2016, 03:44:40 AM »
Give a man a fish, or teach him to fish. Give vegetables or teach him how to grow a garden. Not your responsibility, unless he's your young child.

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Inurdreams

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Re: Brother claims to be starving.
« Reply #3 on: July 22, 2016, 11:25:07 AM »
Give a man a fish, or teach him to fish. Give vegetables or teach him how to grow a garden. Not your responsibility, unless he's your young child.


Every time I see or hear that fish story I think of this quote:  Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.  Terry Pratchett, Jingo


Seriously though, this is pure manipulation.  There are too many ways for a person to find a way to eat.  He sure is choosy about what he wants to eat for someone who claims to be starving.  There was a time when DH and I were going through a really bad time, financially.  We ate nothing but peanut butter sandwiches for weeks on end.  Healthy?  No.  But you do what you can in certain circumstances.  Heck he could pick up cans along the side of the road and turn them in to a recycling center for money to eat.

If he is that hungry and you want to help, buy him a loaf of bread and a jar of peanut butter.  It will last longer than a pizza.

Peek not through the keyhole lest ye be vexed. - Stephen King


Response to a Flying Monkey:  Apparently you are suffering under the delusion that I give a damn.

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guitarman

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Re: Brother claims to be starving.
« Reply #4 on: July 23, 2016, 06:18:10 AM »
My uBPD/uNPD sister has said in the past that she has no money to feed herself. She said she was going to have to look in dustbins at supermarkets to find any left over food they have thrown away. That really pushed all my buttons. She was crying. Again pushed my buttons.

Rather than give her money I put together a food parcel. She even wanted to "borrow" toilet rolls. How can you "borrow" toilet rolls??!!

I don't make an issue about food any more. If she visits I feed her. She stuffs herself when she's here whilst lecturing me about what I should be eating! She tells me that sugar is poison but she eats lots of sweet things while she's here. She has no money for food and yet drives here. So she must have money for petrol.

She is so grateful. She is so sad. She is so pathetic. It's so hard to cope with.

"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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Deb2

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Re: Brother claims to be starving.
« Reply #5 on: July 23, 2016, 02:08:53 PM »
guitarman said:

"She tells me that sugar is poison but she eats lots of sweet things while she's here."

Sounds like my BIL! Except he doesn't drive. But he has $$ to give his druggie son and $$ for the casino to  plat slot machines. But he's broke and everyone eats too much sugar and salt. But hey, candy bars, donuts, salty chips? He can have those. LOL!

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Rock Chick

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Re: Brother claims to be starving.
« Reply #6 on: July 25, 2016, 06:56:43 AM »
My bf's brother loves to guilt trip, throw hissy fits, manipulate, beg, hen peck, yell at his brother, blame his struggles on his brother or mother or both, etc. I'm pretty sure he has some kind of PD or mental disorder he is 28 and some of the behavior etc I see his mom (severe bpd etc) displaying etc he does. I really dont think it chalks up to immaturity. He also married a woman who has a lot of issues and her family has lots of issues with drugs alcohol and mental issues and more.  He loves to claim to that he is starving and his lil kids and his wife are too yet they have money to go out to eat alot go to another state in their car to beg for 50 dollars stay in a hotel while there buy his wife a 60 dollar purse buy a game system and more. LOL. I should post about my bfs brother sometime Id love to hear what ppl think about him and what possible PDs etc he may have. I think personally he is histrionic narcissistic with pre-bipolarness/bp traits. Sorry ventured off a lil.

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kiwihelen

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Re: Brother claims to be starving.
« Reply #7 on: July 25, 2016, 07:51:16 AM »
I've worked in food banks. The game "spot the PD" can make your time interesting...being told what they didn't want in their food pack.
Ummmm...we are a charity and we put in what we got. Believe me, we don't have a selection of different items. You eat it if you are hungry.

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johnboy

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Re: Brother claims to be starving.
« Reply #8 on: July 25, 2016, 01:41:36 PM »
I wasn't keeping a close eye on this one. Thanks all for the feedback. And a lot of you are right - no matter what I do to help, it's never enough. "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth", unless you're BPD, I guess.

I decided that I would get him a package of food from the grocery store of straight-up basics, like beans and rice. His response: "Nah, I'm too busy." I almost blew up at that. It's like he's purposely trying to be a big of a jerk as he can.

Also since then, he's sold some of his stuff and he went and bought weed and beer with the money. He even sent me a picture of himself enjoying the beer. This is a couple days after telling me he was starving and begging for money. I think I have to go low-contact with him. He's either purposely trying to get a rise out of me, or seriously has no concept of why that would make me angry. Either way, he keeps pulling me into interactions that just mess me up for hours or days afterwards.

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hhaw

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Re: Brother claims to be starving.
« Reply #9 on: July 25, 2016, 02:20:23 PM »
JB, your brother is jerking your chain.

Stop buying him things and start asking him what he's going to do to move himself into a better position, get food, keep his job.

You know he can do these things for himself.  Telling him what to do, or doing it for him, sends the message you don't believe he can handle these things himself, IME.

Have compassion, but always put it back on his plate.  What is he going to do? 

Good luck,
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

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Eleanor Roosevelt

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Lillith65

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Re: Brother claims to be starving.
« Reply #10 on: July 25, 2016, 02:50:27 PM »
I am sorry that your brother behaves like this.
He is getting off on your emotional reaction to his behaviour. He is a vampire and will drain you of everything that you are willing to give him.
You need to decide what you are willing to do and what you are willing to give unconditionally. Because there is nothing much to be gained apart from your own sense of decency that you tried.
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm - anonymous.

Part of my story: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=54885.msg488293#msg488293
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=54892.msg488385#msg488385

NC uPDM; NC uBPDSis

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Deb2

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Re: Brother claims to be starving.
« Reply #11 on: July 25, 2016, 03:21:54 PM »
I've worked in food banks. The game "spot the PD" can make your time interesting...being told what they didn't want in their food pack.
Ummmm...we are a charity and we put in what we got. Believe me, we don't have a selection of different items. You eat it if you are hungry.

Kiwi,
This reminds me of a guy my husband and I tried to help. We allowed him to stay in our RV, gave him canned food and only requested he help with yard work. He called me outside while my husband was at work, to show me what he had done then said "Pretty good...for someone whi is weak from hunger." LOL! He never touched the food we gave him, just wanted us to feed him. Then when he got a paycheck, he spent it all at the casino and wanted to borrow gas money. Ummm, no. We gave him the boot. A month later, my BIL met him, not knowing that we had tried to help him, and was telling us about this "poor guy." We clued him in and he didn't invite him over.

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SPinSC

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Re: Brother claims to be starving.
« Reply #12 on: July 25, 2016, 05:03:20 PM »
This is the kind of thing that can set me or my uBPD husband off. We've both BEEN starving. For real, scaring relatives so thin.

You are welcome to steal a line given to me by my husbands ex-father-in-law: 'You're not broke if you have beer or cigarettes (pot, whatever). Don't ask if these things are in your trash at home.'

Of course, your brother may respond like my husband's ex-wife. Smarty-pants that she was, she took the empty beer cans and the cigarette wrappers out and put them in the dumpster of a store nearby. THEN, called her father to ask for money and reported - telling the truth - that, no, Dad, there are no cans or wrappers in my trash. Will you please help us?

Also, this is the part that got me. He WORKS at a pizza place and wants you to buy him pizza? Um, when I was starving, I didn't work at the pizza place, but a friend did. She'd bring pizzas left over (made wrong, refused at delivery) to me and my roommate. Did I care about what was on them? Nope. I was too hungry to be picky. Later, when I worked at a pizza place, the LAST thing I wanted to eat was pizza! And, they'd let us have the late evening 'errors' at that place, too! So, I took them home. I ate pizza. I was broke, and as my husband sometimes says - when you're poor, you can't afford opinions.
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