21 yo daughter w/bpd

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lake silver

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21 yo daughter w/bpd
« on: July 24, 2016, 12:36:53 AM »
Hi everyone, My 21yo daughter has been ill for over 5 years now. Recently diagnosed with BPD. In addition to the usual behaviors, she will scream and cry for hours and it's driving us insane! She says she cannot help it as she is in such mental anguish. It happens any time of day or night. She will also call or text me at work while screaming and crying. We have told her these fits, cutting, and being destructive are unacceptable in our home and if she wanted to continue living with us, she somehow had to control herself. The problem is it's very hard to follow through and we haven't called 911 yet even though she has had horrific episodes in our home. My husband cannot bring himself to ask our daughter to leave as he doesn't want her to be homeless.
     The situation is out of control. We have 2 younger daughters to think about. I'm in therapy trying to figure out how best to handle this illness that is destroying our family. I've been advised to call 911 when my daughter is self-destructing and make it clear she cannot return home unless she can control herself. I have read so much about how BPD people act out but haven't heard of anything  that resembles her behavior. Any advice on how to handle this?  Also. does anyone believe she can control It. Thanks so much! I appreciate any and all help. 

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guitarman

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Re: 21 yo daughter w/bpd
« Reply #1 on: July 24, 2016, 07:25:39 AM »
Welcome mammalori. You are not alone.

I have an uBPD/uNPD sister. What you describe is very familiar to me.

There is lots of information on this site and support from other people experiencing similar but different situations as yourself.

When my sister is in a crisis she exhibits behaviour with words beginning with s - sobbing, screaming, shouting, swearing, shaking and feeling suicidal. Thankfully she has never self-harmed. She has an emotional landslide that nothing can control. Eventually she calms down.

I have been told by people with a lived experience of BPD to call for an ambulance when she is feeling suicidal so I do that now and it does help to calm her down. You need to let someone else take on that responsibility you can't do it all on your own, I know.

I'm glad to hear that you are seeing a therapist. You need help. Your daughter also needs professional mental health care as well.

I try and always stay calm no matter what happens. I don't get on my sister's emotional roller coaster with her. I validate her feelings and talk about mine. I use "I" rather than "you". I can't control anyone else's behaviour I can only control my own.

There is so much more to learn.

Keep strong, keep calm, keep posting. We are all here to help support you. We all support each other.

Best wishes.

"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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practical

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Re: 21 yo daughter w/bpd
« Reply #2 on: July 24, 2016, 10:28:47 AM »
Welcome to OOTF!

What a horrible situation to be in and I feel for you. You have gotten some incredible insights from guitarman, to which I have little to add. One thought is that by not calling 911 your D might not be getting the help she needs and be in unnecessary mental pain, not calling 911 might be the opposite of helping her. The other thing is, I understand that because of her situation she gets the most attention, as you say yourself, you have 2 other daughters to think about and that is really important. Are they having access to therapy or any kind of professional help to deal with this situation? Maybe family counseling?

We have a special board for parents with children with a PD, the Parents Discussion, and you'll find people there who are dealing with similar situations. The other place you may want to check out is the Toolbox     and you may want to share ti with your husband.

Sending you strength and I hope to see you on the boards.
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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momnthefog

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Re: 21 yo daughter w/bpd
« Reply #3 on: July 24, 2016, 01:39:58 PM »
mammalori,

Welcome to OOTF.  I'm a parent of a BPDd who is in her mid 20s. 

I understand.  Its a terrible situation for a family, parent and siblings.  As you are well aware it stresses every family bond including marriages.

I think the option of calling 911 might be a good start.  When she is raging and uncontrollable, she needs medical attention, possibly psychiatric attention that you and your family are not in a position to provide her. 

I'm a big advocate of protecting those in the family who can not leave (younger siblings) and would also suggest that they have an outlet to express their fears and concerns.  I found that my older PDs (I also have an ASPDs) because they were older preyed on the younger kids in many ways.  It is our job to protect our children from bad things and sometimes those bad things are the people within their family.   :sadno:

There are a number of books I would recommend:

Stop Walking on Eggshells
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist BY Fjelstad
Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Kreger

and these which are more focused on drug/alcohol but equally helpful

When our Grown Kids Disappoint Us
Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children
Dont Let your Kids Kill You

I hope you will join us on the Parents Board when you are able.

momnthefog
"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

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Deb

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Re: 21 yo daughter w/bpd
« Reply #4 on: August 12, 2016, 11:58:02 PM »
You sound exactly like what we are going through with our 20 yr old daughter. We did call 911 during one of her episodes and it was a good thing we did. Now she is getting the attention she needs from psychiatric professionals. She also knows we will do what we need to do to protect her and ourselves.
I desperately want her out of the house but she has had several setbacks lately and can't support herself right now.
In the mean time I feel like I'm losing my mind and she has broken my heart.
My husband deals with it better as I am the evil parent right now.
I'm new here too. I'm trying to just find others going through something similar.
There are support groups of non BPDs that have BPD Fam members offered by NAMI. Find one.
Hang in there