Epiphany time (and some answers)

[DottySpottyMcBlotty]

Hi and thanks for clicking on the post and landing here. I hope that by sharing my experiences here that you dear reader will either feel a sense of a type of camaraderie or be able to help me understand and in time I can come to terms with what's happened.

So I'm new here and found this forum after spending the afternoon searching the internet. What led me to searching the internet was an article which came up on Facebook on my newsfeed about Parentified Daughters. Curious, I clicked the link and read the article and it made so much sense to me, it all resonated with me and has been an epiphany, one which I am eager to understand, learn and move on from...

From a very young age I have played the role of my mother's mother. I was always the one who provided emotional support to my mother, listened to what she had to say, stuck up for her and supported her as she saw herself as one of life's victims, and I, as a child and then a young adult drank it all in and inadvertently encouraged her. I was piggy in the middle as my parents played a status game with each other and when my mother was friends again with my father, I was pushed aside, only to be reeled in again when they were arguing and playing their games with each other. My own childhood suffered. I was never allowed to make mistakes, if i did they were laid bare while my father bellowed with laughter at my mistakes or misfortunes, and told anyone who was interested, my father used me as a verbal punch bag and put me down at every opportunity, calling me thick, ugly, dumb, an idiot. His pet nicknames for me were 'She' 'It' and 'The Spastic' he never called me by my name, and if he could stop me from doing something by grounding me for nothing, making up reasons why I couldn't do something or placing obstacles in the way then he would. His sole aim was to hurt me and he took sadistic pleasure in doing so. All the while my mother sat there listening, saying nothing. She never stuck up for me, or told him to shut up. Did she revel in it and enjoy it? I don't know.

When I was 16 my brain went bang and I could no longer cope, isolated, lonely, while they still played their games. I saw a counsellor and she gave me some tips on how to handle the situation and i carried on as best as I could while living under their roof, taking the wonderful advice given to me.

A few years later my father started to become physically abusive, he would flick lit cigarettes at me, try and trip me up, shout abuse at me, run me down in front of guests, raise his hand like he was going to slap me and bring his hand down and just miss my face. One time he shut my head in the freezer door repeatedly after i bent down to get my mother something out of the freezer and i fainted and was left laying on the kitchen floor until i came round, he would creep into my room at night whispering abuse into my ear as i slept (he'd wake me up and I'd lay still) So I went to the authorities and I was given my own apartment a long way away from them. I would occasionally see them and my life really took off, i got friends, I'd go out and have a nice time, I was living!

Two years later I became very unwell and was diagnosed with a life long debilitating medical condition, so i was moved by the welfare housing people into a property with disabled adaptations which happened to be a 10 minute walk from my parents house. So, I was expected to visit, back into the lions den. So I visited occasionally but over time i've found myself back embroiled again in the status game between my mother and father, this time it's worse than ever. But I've little patience for them now, maybe this has come with age and experience. I kept my distance and helped when needed but events over the last two weeks in which I was made use of and now pushed aside again have helped me to come to the decision that enough is enough and to find the article on parentified daughters was more than a coincidence I'm sure. To listen to my mother the self styled victim, who is so negative and draining, talking about how the world hates her and she has nothing, and nobody likes her is horrible, I am such an upbeat and positive person, I finish talking to her and I'm so upset and tired. I've done my best to help her, longed to be able to talk about myself and how I feel without her ignoring me and then talking about herself, or interrupting me midsentence with how she's feeling, but I came to the conclusion today that she will never change, nor will she be the mother I've longed for and desperately wanted. That's hard to come to terms with, but I will, and I know I will be so much more happier for it.

Thanks for reading and a virtual cookie if you made it through

I'm reading others experiences with sadness and interest.

[guitarman]

Welcome DottySpottyMcBlotty (love your name). You are not alone.

I have a uBPD/uNPD sister and I can relate to many things that you posted about. Her daughter like you parentified her own mother from an early age, her son also. They are now adults and don't want much to do with her. I'm not surprised.

What a terrible, terrible time you've had. Thank you for sharing and being honest. I know it's not easy but it does become easier sharing with people who have experienced similar but different situations as yourself. You'll be surprised how similar your story is to others here I'm sure.

There is lots of information and support here from other people.

Best wishes.

[JG65]

Dotty,

Welcome.  You are among people who truly understand.  Both of your parents abused you and while it is more obvious from your father, your mother has behaved in abusive ways as well.

My father has diagnosed NPD and I finally came out of denial last year and cut ties.  My life is much more peaceful without him in it.   

There are good resources here to help you deal with PDs.  I know how painful it is to finally accept that your parent isn't going to change and that their behavior is harmful to you.  But, the plus side is that now you can really focus on you.  Put you first.  What do you want?  What do you need?  You owe your parents nothing.  You owe yourself freedom and peace in your life. 

I wish you the best. 

[DottySpottyMcBlotty]

Thank you guitarman and JG65.

My username is my dogs nickname

It is staggering to read how my situation really isn't unusual. And that is both horrifying and amazing.

What strikes me when I read back through my introduction is how I've focused on what my father did and mentioned only slightly my mother, but yet i'm more hurt by what my mother's done. I suppose that comes with the fact my father never bothered with me but I was so emotionally entwined with my mother as we played our own game,  a game of suffocating interaction where I played the role of a saviour for want of a better word and then rejection as I had served my purpose. What is the challenge now is pulling back from them both and remaining back and not being pulled back in again. What I am trying to use to my advantage is that I am in the throws of a rejection but this is in a way probably the worst time to walk away from this situation because I'm so hurt, and I am so glad I'm here with people who've been here and know these feelings.

My mother was in hospital and I was rushing around making sure she was ok and had everything she needed, a friend wanted to go and visit her so the day before when i visited I told her that our friend wanted to see her and she said fine. The next day I phoned her in the morning (I gave her my old mobile phone to use while she was there so she wouldn't feel isolated) and reminded her we were coming together and she said fine and asked me to bring her some things like sweet treats, books and some other things. I phoned her just before we were leaving to make sure she didn't need anything else and I was told to stay away because my father was there, and all she's done since is sing his praises about how he brought her in food because she was hungry and sweet treats, and how amazing he is .etc But she's not mentioned anything I've done to help her, she bought our friend some flowers and chocolates because she helped when my mother was originally taken into hospital and bought my father some wine to say thank you for visiting her - yet I got nothing. Now, I'm not one of these people who give to receive, I don't help because I want recognition or payback but this has left me VERY hurt. To not even say thank you! But, I think what is quite telling of her behaviour is that when I phoned our friend to say we weren't visiting my mother any more i heard her just before i terminated the call say to someone "well if she doesn't want us then that's up to her, i've served my use" my heart hurts!

To think about what I want is hard, to think how i feel is hard, to put me first is hard! Will this become easier?

[kiwihelen]

Just wanted to chime in welcome...and I absolutely died laughing at your screen name because of the Boatie McBoatface saga (if you missed that Google it in relation the British Antarctic Survey)

[lightworld]

Hi Dotty

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I can relate to the parentification, I was parentified by my uNF throughout my life with alternating bouts  of supporting him emotionally while getting no love or nurturing from him and him being physically abusive  for no reason or scoffing and laughing at me. I was often made to do horrible chores inappropriate  to my age as if it was a punishment for I knew not what. My mother stood by and never helped me or showed any love and virtually ignored me,always talking about how she felt and  how my father was  so horrible to her.

I fully understand your grief about not having a loving relationship particularly with your mother, I think a lot of us on here have experienced this or are going through it still. I believe that this ignoring your contribution to helping her is all part of her abuse of you.   You are not responsible for her and you have the right to your own life. It gets a little easier but in my case  it's a slow process. I think it's a time to care for yourself and be kind to yourself, gradually the FOG fades and you start to see things more clearly. I wish you all the best for the  future and I really do feel for you, I was where you are a couple of years ago and I know how painful it is when you first realise the extent of your abuse. Be brave and keep going you'll get there in the end.

[Summer Sun]

Welcome Dotty.  I'm sorry for your parental experiences, their failings and abuses, sorry for your pain.  You have been long suffering.

I too can so relate to the parentification, the neglect in return.  To realize later in life that you've simply been used.  I've come to identify some behaviours now which simply hurt without knowing why.  Invalidation.  Recognition is a basic need, yes, we don't give or do in order to be recognized, but, we exist, and our existence needs to be recognized, our efforts valued.  Withholding and invalidation is abusuve (especially when demonstrated they offer it to others, in other words, they are capable, it is intentional to withhold from us).  The reasons may vary ie. such as grooming or envy. 

One of the reasons why they withhold from us, and praise others is because they want their supply to compete with others for a crumb of love, attention or recognition (conditioning). 

I wish you all the love, kindness and support you deserve as you seek this through FOC.  It is a difficult journey but not impossible. 

[DottySpottyMcBlotty]

Thank you all xxx

[Duped]

Hi Dotty! This is my first post (aside from the introductory post). First, as hard as it is to accept, be glad that you can now put a name on your abusive mother's disorder. Now you can research her problem i order  to heal yourself and get on with life without your parents  I would suggest watching the Youtube videos about NPD. Can you get those if you're in England? I'm not sure...

[DottySpottyMcBlotty]

Welcome as well Duped!

Thank you, this is a hard road to travel but one with such rewards along the way and at the end, the ray of light which awaits us!

I will have a look on youtube, i'm sure there is a wealth of information.

x

[Spring Butterfly]

Welcome Dotty and always bittersweet to find others who can relate and to feel so understood. I'm glad you found the experiences here comforting. Being parentified is something I relate to as well. From your follow up post it sounds like you're pulling back in limiting contact. That's probably the most healthy thing for you to do especially given your own circumstances and requirements for care. Some of the things that helped me most where in the toolbox, topics such as working on yourself, my stuff your stuff, medium chill.

I'm not sure if this is your situation as well but as a result of being Parentified as an adult I was extremely codependent and overly helpful probably to the point of enabling at times. The topic in the toolbox on codependency helped me regain some balance.

Again warm welcome and I'll probably see you over on the parents board.

[DottySpottyMcBlotty]

Spring Butterfly,

I have pulled back contact to only when necessary, I am still very much conscious that my mother is very much dependant on me and has nobody else. She has a relationship which is non existent with my brothers and father and she lives with all three, they basically only talk to each other when they want something. She was very poorly on Sunday and told them she didn't feel well and their responses respectively were "oh well, that's a shame i'm off to play computer games" I am not harsh enough to withdraw completely because she is quite emotionally vulnerable at the moment. I saw her yesterday because she looked after my dog while i went to see my doctor. We had a very good conversation about how I need to think about me and I can't keep running around for her, i impressed onto her that need to look after myself and I have my own life and home to run and it was like a lightbulb went on for her because she thought about it and agreed. The thing now is to make sure this continues and she doesn't fall into old habits. It's very important for me because I don't like conflict for this to be kept good and light and diplomatic. Also, for me, this is a very good way to withdraw a lot more, with no animosity, no arguments or aggression.  But, my father was on top form yesterday shouting abuse at me and throwing his weight around, running me down, criticising me. But strangely for us, myself and my mother looked at each other and laughed. I mean, REALLY laughed. The look on my fathers face was a picture. That power had been taken from him. It was amazing.

I can relate to being overly helpful so much, i think to the point it's annoying and stifling for people, people tend to keep themselves distanced from me, I don't have friends and to be honest I don't blame them I would find me hard work as a friend. I haven't had a relationship for a long time. I have been very mindful to do a lot of self checking before i open my mouth and thinking about it before i say yes or no to something or answering what's being asked of me, rather than agreeing to something because i think that's what the other person wants.

A big problem I have is that I have been so influenced and shaped by my mother and her behaviour throughout my life, that I find myself in behaviours which i know isn't me and who I really am. So i am doing a lot of "well who am i and what do i want?" which is strange. I feel like her influence and her essence possessed me. I think back to things I've said and done in the past and think "why did i do that? that's not what i wanted"

Yes, I'm warming up to posting on this forum, but the overly helpful part of me is uncomfortable with not being able to comment or help anyone else.

The toolkit is such a massive help, and I've found some good youtube videos which made a lot of sense to me.

Thanks

[Menopause Barbie]

Wow, just wow. I can so relate to your relationship with your mom, and with the shock when you realize that the lifelong hostility and humiliation you've received from your dad isn't the part that hurts most. My mom was just like yours. I spent my entire childhood and most of my adulthood tending to her emotional and relationship needs. My dad was the bad guy, my sister was only concerned with herself, and I was my mother's lifeline. Except when I wasn't. Then my dad was suddenly her hero and I was the critical, judgmental, pain in the neck. I would spend hours listening to her blubber and giving her excellent advice but she preferred to play her waify role and never change a thing. I can remember crying and screaming, "YOU're the grown up! Can't you just be the grown up for once and act like an adult?!!!" Of course that made me feel guilty because she went into her I-never-do-anything-right-and-nobody-loves-me-routine.

I am new here, too. This is my first response to another's post. What struck me, besides our similar childhood roles, is the guilt you expressed whenever you feel like you are on the taking end of a relationship. That is my struggle, too. In fact, I've been on this forum all of 2 days and I am fighting feelings of guilt for accepting support from people when I haven't reciprocated yet. Exactly what you said you feel! It's amazing how our mothers silently, passively molded us into chronic givers who actually feel guilt when something or someone makes us feel comforted. Weird. I am not going to worry about that on this wonderful forum. Your post showed me that when I have something to say on another's topic, I will KNOW it. Thanks for sharing your experiences. I feel less alone and less crazy and more inspired to overcome this vicious cycle of over-giving to others and over-guilting myself because of being here with people like you who have lived similar lives.

[DottySpottyMcBlotty]

Menopause Barbie. if it is ok, may i give you a massive virtual hug?

I agree with everything you've said and thank you so much, I'm so pleased you've taken something from my life story and it is so weird to call it wonderful but to know you're not alone and others have gone through this is such a comfort. To feel like you've not been going mad all these years!

[Menopause Barbie]

Right back at you, Dotty, with the hugs and support! I'm glad you're here

[DottySpottyMcBlotty]

Likewise!

[DottySpottyMcBlotty]

It's 26th September 2019 and I feel ready to write this.

Thank you, Thank you to each and every one of you.

I feel amazing, I have self esteem and love for myself. I understand who I am and what I want.

Not long after my last post I went completely no contact. It happened over a relative being privvy to a conversation involving my mother and another relative in which she told her that I kept going down to her house and bullying her to do her shopping and pay the bills (  ) Apparently my father and older brother were sick of it and they had a job to get rid of me (this is what my relative had told me over facebook my mother had told her)  But obviously because this relative has been facebook friends with me a long time she KNEW the struggle I was having with my mothers clingy behaviour. So my mother was begging me to come down because she was a hard done by little victim who nobody would help, but telling my father and older brother that I was bullying her and stealing money from her and forcing myself on to her (which was all absolute BULL) I spoke to my younger brother who told me that what the relative had told me was true. He also told me that whenever I went home (After carrying heavy bags of shopping home from the supermarket and paying the bills for them) that my mother, father and older brother would all sit together in the living room and have what my mother called 'Story Time' in which she would tell them everything I'd told her that was going on in my life, and the three of them would then spend hours mocking me and laughing at me and my life.

I was initially hurt. But then the feeling of freedom just hit me like a gust of wind that took me off my feet. So I rested, and looked within myself and knew this was my chance. There was no way I was going to be treated this way any longer.

I spoke to my GP who put me in contact with a woman's charity who help abuse victims, childhood, marriage .etc and I spoke to them at great length and they helped me to see what I wanted and what I needed. I was advised that no contact would be the only way I'd ever feel free (a sentiment many people echo here), they said to try and speak to my parents and tell them straight I was cutting off contact with them and WHY -something else echo'd here. So I did. I spoke to my mother and said I needed to speak to them both. I went to the house, and explained to my mother (my father started wincing and pulling smirking faces and walked away) that the physical and emotional abuse I had suffered from them both was completely unacceptable, that the fact my mother would sit there with me as a child and watch her husband beat the living crap out of me and not say anything and then say 'it's nothing to do with me' and then tell me afterwards it was worse for her because she had to watch it, was also completely unacceptable. I asked her why. I asked her why she didn't protect me, nurture me or love me, and she said that in the early 1980s my uncle was back from the RAF for a holiday and told her that women have to listen to their husbands and not go against them because they know best. This uncle had since passed away, so i asked her if she was seriously saying, that my abuse (my older brother got whatever he wanted and was treated like a king) was down to something my uncle had said, and that he wasn't here to defend himself from? and she said Yes. So i said in that case I am cutting off contact with you. I don't ever want to hear from you ever again. Her words to me - 'I don't blame you' That was it, no apology, no love. Nothing.

So I left and I haven't been back.

They've tried to contact me, they've tried to threaten me and get money out of me. They told people locally that I was a drug addict who beat and bullied my mother. I have done none of that.

It's been difficult but I have a wonderful GP and also I go and speak to a lovely lady in the hospital once a month who helps me. But it's the little things, the little victories that many think nothing of. I was only ever allowed shopping with my mother, and the clothes I was allowed to wear were usually two sizes too big and grey or black, if I picked up anything that was pretty or cute I would be berated in the shop in her loud voice, so it went back on the rack and then all the way home and for a week afterwards with my father joining in. I had one pair of trainers which i had to wear until they were full of holes before I could myself a new pair. BUT NOW! Oh my gosh, my shoe collection would give Imelda Marcos a run for her money, and I have so many pretty dresses and clothes that I LOVE to wear. It's the other things, I remember wearing long boots and leggings with a shirt for the first time and people locally would look at me walking by because they'd not seen me like it before. The first time I had my hair cut into a style, my hair was so long and left with split ends. I have my hair cut every 8 weeks into a style I've chosen.  It's making those choices, making those decisions - what do I WANT? What do I NEED? What would I LIKE? It's a bit of a heady trip to start with, and you have to rein yourself back in and say 'hang on, it'll come' And I realised how intelligent I am, how certain things come so easily. Who KNEW I'm not as my mother and father described as being thick, dumb, stupid, challenged? I'm learning about philosophy and I love it.

But just as importantly, it's my being, my soul, my psyche, it's how light I feel, how peaceful. I just want to sing all the time.

We still have a way to go unpicking all the abuse, all those words of hatred, all those attacks, but even in 2-3 years I look ten years younger and I feel so much more happier.

It's absolutely possible for those who need to break free, to do that, to break free. Honestly, I didn't think i was capable of anything, but look at me now.

YOU CAN DO IT.

[Spring Butterfly]

What a great update and so very happy for you! Thanks for coming back to share your experience.

"It's a bit of a heady trip to start with... "
This ^ I love it. That's how I felt running errands (yes errands) all by myself the first few times. Isn't it great with no one watching, commenting, waiting, dragging their feet, etc and finally just being an individual? So glad and happy for you and that you're enjoying the discovery of yourself, your style, your voice!!

[PeanutButter]

FANTASTIC! CONGRATULATIONS! You became the mother that your inner child needed. You protected yourself because you are worthy of love and compassion!
I wasnt here yet when you started or were last on the thread. But I went back and caught up. I am soooo happy for you! And I value the update you made as an example of how to finally stand up to an abuser.
I have read many a story of the pathological lying some PD parents do behind the childs back while the child is doing everything for them AND  being continuously abused by them. IMO its just concrete proof of how absolutely SICK they are.

[Cantreach]

Accepting that you can't replace what should be fundamental to nurture a child especially in those very early years is hard to take. It affects so much of our adult lives. I can see by your comments that despite the hurt you have a great attitude. I wish you all the best in your journey.