Says He's Not Good Enough ... Isn't That My Call?

  • 3 Replies
  • 489 Views
*

EllieMac

  • New Member
  • *
  • 1
Says He's Not Good Enough ... Isn't That My Call?
« on: August 01, 2016, 11:12:58 PM »
Hi All,

My 'companion' of 5 months, who is a 50 year old son of an NPD and has been in therapy for ages, just shared in a very emotional discussion that he can not be in a romantic relationship with me because he's getting in too deep.  He states that he lives in fear of 'ultimately disappointing me' as we continue to get deeper emotionally.  Here's some context:    We are bi-coastal and get together monthly for a week during regular calls and texts.  It's always an amazing time.  The chemistry is incredible, we share many athletic and intellectual interests, the banter is witty and are both happy just  sitting in the same room with each other.  The snuggling is supreme and we have been open about our feelings for each other to date.  But not wanting to put pressure on him, I didn't push to 'define' our relationship. We're we friends with benefits?  Lovers?  A couple?  Note that I can't do the former and he states he can't either so it was moving into the couple realm as far as I could tell. 

Here's where it gets weird:  his perception is that if he didn't care as much about me, that we could continue our trysts.  But because he is feeling more and more attached particularly after me meeting and spending time with his teenaged son (we hit it off easily), his fear is increasing that he's going to let me down.  Interestingly, he was visibly shaking during this talk.   This was a man who was unraveling in front of me.

My point of view is that here is this handsome, athletic, sexy, articulate, sensitive, educated man who has shared with me his sordid history, recent immersion from depression and struggles.  I'm empathetic, strong, thoughtful and patient.  I don't understand his line of thinking.  I've never been judgemental at all to him, or critique him in any way.  I adore the man (he knows this) and the only thing he could do to disappoint me is lie or cheat.  He states that he has huge trust issues and is currently questioning his own decisions.  So, in order for us to 'preserve what we have' we can't be involved. 
Does this make sense to anyone?  I don't think it's an elaborate scheme to dump me.  It's his true thinking.  Where is this fear coming from getting in the way of developing an even more amazing relationship?  Why is he afraid of something that may never happen?

  And I should mention ... He's had two marriages, the 2nd ending a year ago.  I'm wrapping up by sharing that I have tremendous respect for the man for telling me this.  But honestly, I don't understand it.  I accept it and am going cold turkey, but can't get my mind around it.  Unless it's all BS - a rather elaborate way to say 'I'm not that into you.'  And maybe, just maybe, he's protecting me from himself.  And that makes me very, very sad.

Just looking for some perspective from you all. 

Much thanks.

*

xredshoesx

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 15210
Re: Says He's Not Good Enough ... Isn't That My Call?
« Reply #1 on: August 02, 2016, 02:13:18 PM »
welcome to the forum elliemac-

i'm sorry you find yourself in this position with your companion.  it's always heartbreaking when one person sees potential in a relationship and wants to move it along to the next level, and the other person puts the brakes on and would rather keep the status quo, or even sadder, part ways for whatever reason.

do you think your companion may have a PD as well?  i ask because our board is designed to support those who are in a relationship with a PD person, so many of the threads and resources would be focused towards that objective.  we want to make sure you are in the right place to share support and receive validation. 

if he may not have a PD, he may have a bad case of fleas- unhealthy coping skills and/or a pattern of responses he's learned and had to use in order to protect himself from his NPD parent.  he may have seen this parent play out a similar scenario as a child to where he was the one who had to tell that parent they were good enough etc.  do you think it's possible this is what he is doing to you?

i'll share with you some of the information on fleas, as well as the traits of a PD. 

http://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/fleas - article on fleas

Top 100 Traits 

wishing for the best outcome for you and him in this situation- it sounds like you care deeply for this man and see him in a better light than he is capable of seeing himself in right now. 

*

almostthere

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 280
Re: Says He's Not Good Enough ... Isn't That My Call?
« Reply #2 on: August 02, 2016, 02:38:11 PM »
Many times "I'm not good enough" is an easy way to say "I don't want to be with you that way anymore, and this is a good way to end it without you arguing".  It's a dishonest but easy way to end a romantic relationship.  When someone tells you who they are, believe them.  When he says that you (he in particular) can no longer be involved, believe him.

*

Latchkey

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 8764
Re: Says He's Not Good Enough ... Isn't That My Call?
« Reply #3 on: August 02, 2016, 02:44:28 PM »
Hi EllieMac,

I just wanted to add that I have been dating again and I have heard this from guys I have dated in the same demographic as your BF. Both times it was right at the 3 month or so mark.  I think being in a LDR you are only getting your BF on his best behavior and it may have prolonged the intensity.

Take a look at this book and the website Safe Relationships Magazine:
How to Spot a Dangerous Man... by Sandra Brown
http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=21298.0

Also, I found the website of Christine Rich Hanson http://christinerichhanson.com/, her free offerings, not endorsing the pay for dating coach business, to be very good even if the site looks a little hokey. She basically has a theory that the first 6 weeks of a dating relationship everyone is on their best behavior. If the guy you are dating at the 4 month mark is the same as the guy you were dating in the first 6 weeks then wonderful, if not, then it's time to move on.

Again, you haven't indicated whether you think your BF has a PD so please tell us more of what brings you here. Have you had past r/s with people with PDs?

Best,
Latchkey

Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living.
-Mother Jones
-
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
-Maya Angelou
-
When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.