New to forums, but this subject is too familiar...

[classymasty]

Hello! I'm totally new to actually posting in forums, but this seems like a really safe and helpful place for something I've been struggling with alone for years now. My bf and I have been together for over 5 years, lived together for 4 years. His PD has been ever present since week 1, but I was too naive, in love, and frankly, confused by his manipulation to realize he bad it is for him and myself. I'm to a point where I am pretty regularly looking for my own place for when/if that big fight happens where I lay out exactly how I feel and finally end things. I can't express to him how he hurts me, every day, with his condescension and belittling, because when I have gotten the courage to have the conversation, I end up more upset because he's turned it around on me, saying how I don't accept him for who he is, how I need to keep looking for "Prince Charming" (actual words he used when I asked him to show me respect around his family). I end up apologizing until he stops giving me the silent treatment. We never discuss it after that, just move on, and I feel relieved just to have the fighting and tension over. I hate confrontation, and he uses that to get away with hurting me.
Lately, he's been snapping at me for not understanding something he's saying, be it that I don't hear him correctly or otherwise. Really silly misunderstandings. When I ask him to repeat himself or clarify, he talks down to me like I'm a little kid. I don't say anything at that point, to show him that I am upset (since telling him why hasn't worked). Then he'll ask, annoyed, if he has upset me once again. I'll say yes, and he'll just say "ok," like, "once again, I've hurt the delicate little flower!" (again, exact quote).
Then, when a little time has passed, maybe an hour, we'll be in bed, for example, and he'll start to initiate sex and say how much he loves me and misses me when I have to work...I tell him I'm tired or cramping, because it's the one thing I feel I can control. He usually doesn't get mad, just acts like he's being really affectionate for no reason, even though he keeps poking me from behind with his boner (sorry if that is too graphic for this forum!).
I recently stopped drinking, as I had a very bad problem, getting drunk at home, alone, almost every night due to my not having the tools to deal with this anymore. Getting drunk had been the only time I ever remotely wanted to be intimate with him, and he started noticing that and taking advantage of it, so I decided it was time to stop allowing myself to be put in that situation.
You must be wondering why I am still with him. I am too. But he is very loyal, he has always been there for me when I've needed it, he is responsible, he loves our cats, is very affectionate, and makes me laugh. I just....how do I make him realize how sad and hurt and angry I am without repeating the same fights and behavior over and over? Is it even possible? I don't want to waste anymore of my life feeling miserable and used, but also do not want to give up on a relationship that could still be something good. Any help and advice at all is appreciated.

[142757]

Welcome to Out of the FOG.

Two things that might help.......

What has been suggested many times is making a list. In column A list your bf's good qualities and in column By his bad ones. See how the two columns stack up against each other. Refer back to it from time to time. It might help you see whether this person is worth the anguish they put you through. A quality relationship builds up, not tears down.

Secondly, you say you are holding on because of hope he will get better and make this relationship salvageable. Hope is good. Faith is better.

Hope is an expectation of a good thing happening. Faith is the assured expectation something good will happen. Example: 6 months from now you are planning an outdoor get together. 2 things that are needed is the sun and good weather. Now you have faith that the sun will come up, because all evidence says the sun rises and sets at predictable times. But you have hope there will be good weather because the weather can't be predicted 6 months ahead of time.

A good relationship is based on faith, not hope. After 4 years together a person should have a good idea of what a person is capable of. Faith in the consistent natue of their charachter.

You also asked what should you do to make him change. You've already done it. By going to him face to face and revealing your feelings. Reacting with the silent treatment is not an adult way of resolving conflict. It is an immature way of getting one's side or own selfish way. He doesn't confront the problem nor give your concern the correct attention it deserves. His not reacting in the proper way to an upfront honest concern is his problem, not yours. All we all should ask for is someone to be honest with us. He is showing you now what he is, or isn't, capable of.

[JG65]

Classymasty,

I grew up with a dNPD father, so I have decades of experience of first living with and then dealing with a person with a PD.

I finally came out of denial about his NPD and its very harmful impact on me last year.  I ended up cutting contact shortly after that.

What 142757 says below about hope and faith is very true.  I lived most of my life expecting my dad to act like the person I wanted him to be.  And I thought I loved him, but the person I loved as my father didn't exist.  I loved the person I wanted him to be.

After coming out of denial, I finally realized who he really is and I came to understand that he was not going to magically become the person I wanted him to be.  And having been abused and mistreated by him many times and watching him do the same to my mother and siblings, I decided I'd reached my limit tolerating his behavior.  I accepted that his behavior in the present and future would be consistent with his behavior in the past and his behavior in the past was often very bad.

Similar to how 142752 recommends writing down the good and bad in two columns, I wrote out examples of my father's inappropriate and harmful behaviors.  When I went into denial mode, I went back and looked at the list. 

I realized I had been accepting behavior that was truly unacceptable.  I think enduring over time and denial makes it easy to fall into that trap.

I wish you the best in making your decision.  I hope what I've shared from my journey helps you.

[coyote]

Classy,
Your story is a common one with those of us in chosen relationships. We start out in love and are quickly confused over the PD behavior.
I won't ask why you are still with him. Whatever your reasons that is your choice. You should find support for that here. Look at the Chosen relationships and Committed to Working on It sections of the forums.

If at some point you choose to leave the relationship there are sections of the forum for that as well. Again I hope you find good information and support here whatever you decide. I know I have.

I would suggest you really study the toolbox and common behaviors/traits parts of this site also. What has helped me the most in my relationship with my uPPDw. is learning to set boundaries, not JADEing, and avoiding circular conversations.

I totally understand the hurt. humiliation, and confusion that goes with the accusations, name calling, etc. Having the tools to deal with it when it comes up has been empowering for me and allowed me to stay in my relationship. I hope the same for you. Continue to post and ask questions, read others' stories and study the toolbox. We look forward to brighter days for you.

[classymasty]

I just wanted to pop in over 3 years later to say, about 8 months after I wrote this post, I got the courage to leave. I mean, I LEFT. Though we communicated the month following, I have not seen him since the day I left. I had never tried to leave him before, so I was afraid of what he might do if he was desperate to keep me. I continued to have a drinking problem after that. I thought my need and desire to drink would stop, but it didn't.

Skip ahead to a little over two years after leaving (this past May), I meet a wonderful man. We've only been dating for 6 months, but within that time I have FINALLY stopped drinking (2.5 months sober, longest being sober in 6 years). I can't credit him completely as he didn't even know about my issue until after I stopped, but he's shown me that I deserve so much more than the way my ex treated me.

Since I stopped drinking though, something has been happening that I now realize was the reason I felt I couldn't stop in the first place: the feelings I was numbing started resurfacing. Feelings continue to pop up, especially during anniversaries of trauma caused by my ex. My current boyfriend is a vet and suffers from PTSD, and he told me in his therapy he learned that emotional and physical reactions to anniversaries of trauma is 100% real, and he has helped me through them.

Today was definitely one, a reminder of a Thanksgiving I had with the ex where he berated me for something that wasn't my fault, calling me horrible, awful things, then when I told him I wanted to drop him off at his family's so he didn't have to be around me, he threatened to leave me if I didn't come in and act like everything was great in front of his family, so of course, I did. So today, I spent hours at work bawling, almost hyperventilating, and having flashes of this horrible Thanksgiving. Feeling worthless, completely helpless. Thankfully, my wonderful new person helped get me through it, mostly by threatening to break my ex lol 

All this to say, I thought the nightmare of being with my ex would be over the day I left him...but it's now well over 2 years since I left him and I'm still working through the feelings. I wish I had left sooner, but I know all too well how hard that was to do, I'm just thankful I did it and am now recovering, even if I wish I was healed already. And thank you again to this forum, it really helped confirm that what I was going through was not okay.

To anyone stuck in an abusive relationship, you deserve to be treated well and with kindness, and when you get the courage to leave, give yourself grace to heal.

[xredshoesx]

thank you for the update classy.  kudos for you on your sobriety and that you are moving forward in healthier ways since you first posted at Out of the FOG.

i've been out of the abusive relationship with my ex since july of 2007 and married happily to someone else for almost ten years and at times the PTSD still sneaks up on me.  i;m glad your with someone that understands the components of how PTSD works and know that you have many more chances to celebrate the holidays together without the darkness of PTSD making you feel like you did yesterday.

keep taking care of yourself.  one thing that i found that helped me was to make new traditions with my husband that have nothing to do with the standard holiday celebration activities-  for example each year we make something out of lego over the break.  it's silly and simple but it means the world to me and it's not wrapped up emotionally with crap from the past.