Your Brothers and Sisters....?

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Thorman

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Your Brothers and Sisters....?
« on: August 17, 2016, 01:41:00 PM »
Wow...

I am naive and ignorant ! ! !

I thought i was a special case and my "half brother" would make an exception. BUT, i still had more to learn.

(boy, i wish this forum was around 20 yrs ago)

I saw the signs, over the years, but made EXCUSES, and fudged for my younger brother (who was basically abandoned by my mother and his father----that makes him my half-brother).

NOW, ....i see this.
http://marciasirotamd.com/trauma-recovery/the-inevitability-of-fractured-sibling-relationships-in-dysfunctional-families

Thoughts/Opinions?


~T


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Shockwave

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Re: Your Brothers and Sisters....?
« Reply #1 on: August 17, 2016, 02:26:29 PM »
All too familiar with this one, unfortunately.

I used to be closer to my sister until I saw she was becoming a "Mini-Mom". Since she was the GC, and doubly so since she was female, and my mother and sister both raging, over-the-top feminists, I got the short end of the Invisible Child stick. We became indifferent towards each other as time went on. I fully expect her to inherent everything from my parents and I get nothing in return. I'm OK with that to be honest. My father stole the Mercedes-Benz he now drives from my brother when my brother informed me that he was going to leave that car to me but my father "intervened" and said "F*** that, give it to me! He doesn't deserve it!". So yes, fractured sibling relationships are expected. Especially when a Narcissist is at the helm.
"Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he's not a hero. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A Dark Knight."
-- James Gordon, The Dark Knight

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Artsy

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Re: Your Brothers and Sisters....?
« Reply #2 on: August 17, 2016, 09:13:16 PM »
Wow! Great article.

My relationships with my two oldest siblings could be explained by this. I went NC after feeling totally and surprisingly betrayed. I knew it was perceived that I received the lion share of "love" in our dysfunctional family, but really, I only received more financial care as my parents simply had more money when I was growing up.

When my parents began to decline, two of my three oldest siblings just started circling like sharks around my parent's things, and no matter how much I held up my hands and said I didn't want anything, they kept taking high priced stuff (definitely domestic theft kind of behaviors), even coercing and exploiting my parents. When my father dared to put aside a cherished item for my son, it was quickly swept away by my brother who rubbed his theft in my face (like he "won" something).

I've always been taken aback by the complete vindication in their eyes, as if they are entitled to abuse me, take stuff that otherwise should be shared between siblings, and undermine my parent's will. From a young age I internalized it and became shame-based, believing that somehow all of it was my fault. But in my mid-life, I've come to realize, they are wrong, but they believe whole heartedly that they are right.

This article explains it really well. When you live your whole life displacing your anger at not being loved enough by parents onto siblings, it's just easier to take. One of my more criminally minded siblings, even came to articulate that my "role" was no more pleasant than hers, but still when my parents got weak her eyes started spinning and she started demanding cash. It all revolved around this notion that I got "it all" when I was younger.

I never felt loved for one moment, often thought of killing myself as a child and teenager, and have struggled my whole life with the past abuse. How could anyone think I had it better? But this article, I think, does a good job explaining it simply and clearly. None of us got loved, but that's hard to really look at (especially when you reflect on being so powerless and under parental control - talk about vulnerable). It's simply easier to believe that we're all hero's with a villain who "stole" the love from us.

I've certainly had my share of being the target of sibling jealousy. I was the sibling who looked outside the family for love and support. My whole family really punished me for that and I always got sucked back in. Now that the major sucking force, my mother, is basically an empty shell (altzheimers) there is a vacuum of power. I've totally accepted that I will never see any inheritance. My oldest sister even wanted to move my parents so I can't even have the pleasure of visiting them. Fortunately, the family voted her down, but I knew it was bothering her that I have such access to them.

I liked how the article talked about how the one sister will never get any peace or healing from her mother's money. One of my sisters managed to get away with an expensive piece of furniture, while my father was kicking and screaming, and I always wondered how she could find any satisfaction in furniture she took, that my father didn't want to give to her in the first place. I know part of it was making sure no one else got it, but why would anyone want something like that in their house. My mother gave me a piece of expensive art and my father kicked and screamed and I brought it back. Within a few weeks, my father arrived on my front door step and insisted I take it. Now it actually has sentimental value to me. Had he not wanted to give it to me, I wouldn't have wanted a reminder of that in my house.

Anyway, good good article. Thanks for sharing it.
"I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone." Robin Williams.

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Tears

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Re: Your Brothers and Sisters....?
« Reply #3 on: August 18, 2016, 02:45:47 PM »
Very interesting article. I've just come through a terrible time with my sibling after the death of our parents. I was executor of the estate and my brother fought every thing I did (sale of house, distribution of money).  He refuses to talk to me because "I believe that he was trying to get 100% of the proceeds so why should he have a relationship with anyone who is so evil to believe him that selfish?" (Never mind that the reason he told me that he was fighting my division of the estate was that he believed he had the right to it all was because he had greater financial need than the rest of us. Yeah, well, he's financially irresponsible...) My mom grew up in a highly dysfunctional family with a mother so severely depressed she very seldom got out of bed. Mom was the caregiver for her mother and her siblings - and she continued to carry on that role in her marriage. As long as my siblings and I were helpless, she knew how to "love" us - she felt lost and unneeded as we gained independence and found success. My brother chose to remain needy and helpless - one who always needed rescuing - but who was highly resentful of his siblings' success. I love my brother...I miss my brother...but I'm sadly learning that family ties cannot supersede irrespective behavior. My brother thinks he is punishing me by withdrawing himself from me - I grieve for the loss of our relationship and the loss of who he could have been and worry about his future - but am so relieved that I don't have to deal with his disrespect and cruelty any longer.

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Wookiepunch

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Re: Your Brothers and Sisters....?
« Reply #4 on: September 05, 2016, 06:39:10 PM »
Good article. Thankfully my parents squandered their resources throughout their lives, so an inheritance fight wont be happening. The only fight i can see might be an argument over paying for the funeral. Who knows?
The competition for love and approval was fierce in our home, but i didn't see it until years after. My older bro (Narc brother) got the best of our father- he was trained to fight, how to drive, and got what few "rites of passage" that occurred in our home. In other words, he got Dad's love. I was insanely jealous of this. I was a quiet compliant kid, who wanted to learn how to shoot, fight, hike, and do all the things men are supposed to do. Unfortunately the drugs had taken their toll on Dad by the time I was 12, so their was nothing left for me.
Mom treated me like a scapegoat/husband after Dad left, so I was resented by my older brother even more. I was seen as less than a man because I was compliant and helped out. I didn't rebel, and was generally seen as a "goody two shoes". Poor younger brother got even less love and attention than any of us- by the time he hit adolescence Dad was long gone, and mom was a functioning drug addict. I took him in when I was a newlywed at the ripe age of 20 so he wouldn't find her dead from overdosing.

What is crazy is when we grew up, she kept intervening and trying to force us all back together. By then the damage had been done. They were so damn chaotic that they had no love or effort left for us. There is some low level resentment between all of us for different things. Especially between myself and NarcBro (I have been posting about it a lot lately). We pretty much hate each other. It really sucks- we needed to stick together so bad growing up, and once we hit adulthood the underlying issues just overwhelmed us.

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Thorman

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Re: Your Brothers and Sisters....?
« Reply #5 on: September 07, 2016, 12:40:02 AM »
All too familiar with this one, unfortunately.

I used to be closer to my sister until I saw she was becoming a "Mini-Mom". Since she was the GC, and doubly so since she was female, and my mother and sister both raging, over-the-top feminists, I got the short end of the Invisible Child stick. We became indifferent towards each other as time went on. I fully expect her to inherent everything from my parents and I get nothing in return. I'm OK with that to be honest. My father stole the Mercedes-Benz he now drives from my brother when my brother informed me that he was going to leave that car to me but my father "intervened" and said "F*** that, give it to me! He doesn't deserve it!". So yes, fractured sibling relationships are expected. Especially when a Narcissist is at the helm.

Sounds rough. And thanks for the confirmation. Talked to my half-brother this weekend...and he was supposed to get back to me over a minor request, but, alas, i never heard back from him. ITS MY own fault...and i should WAKE UP to the reality of his "sociopathic ways"....he'll never change....and more than likely, he's UNABLE to have any empathy for anyone other than his own inner circle.

There's a good book out about this type of dysfunction----but the dysfunction is not with him....its with ME. My inability to accept "what he is" and what i "would like him to be" ----is my problem, not his.

Time to "WAKE UP" and smell the roses. Too much time and effort has be spent on him. I'll do my best to get what i can out of him...i can play this game too.


~T

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Shockwave

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Re: Your Brothers and Sisters....?
« Reply #6 on: September 07, 2016, 05:12:05 AM »
Don't beat yourself up too much, Thorman.

It took me forever that the person who was supposed to love you the most, the one who was supposed to guide you in this world, raise you and teach you right from wrong, was going to treat you like dog $#!+, emotionally, verbally, and, while young, physically abuse you. I had a hard time reconciling the fact that my mother was supposed to be this warm, caring creature, like the ones you see on TV or in the movies, or the ideal society likes to uphold about motherhood, and the cruel, cold, unstable reality that is.

The reality is it takes a special kind of evil to deny a person help so that he can get back to where he was from to bury one of his parents at a funeral, and laugh at him in the process. The reality is that it takes a special kind of evil to tell your own son who was assaulted by another person, even if it was relatively harmless to that son, that he "deserved it". You're probably not going to come out unscathed.

People like that are not going to be your friend.
"Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he's not a hero. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A Dark Knight."
-- James Gordon, The Dark Knight

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Lamplite

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Re: Your Brothers and Sisters....?
« Reply #7 on: September 07, 2016, 06:53:56 AM »
Brilliant article Thorman, thanks for sharing. It really puts in a nutshell how these sibling relationships develop, and how you need have no conscious part in them - they'll happen anyway.

I dread being disinherited by my parents because of my HBPD sister's machinations. Not so much the money, as the feeling of her constantly preying on me and stripping me of everything I might have or would like to have, emotional, sentimental, relational, whatever.... My sister's aggression and hostility have definitely progressed and worsened over the years. I think it is because I have cut ties and become more independent (like Elsa in the article) and she has found that the various crutches she has used to buoy herself up (trophy marriages etc) have kept on failing. She has NO IDEA how f***d up she is. My truest regret is that she never will, because she just aint gonna go there in her mind. She'd rather lose it completely. I have to work hard at concentrating on my own business.....


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all4peace

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Re: Your Brothers and Sisters....?
« Reply #8 on: September 07, 2016, 09:59:45 AM »
In my family, I really believe we siblings have good and close relationships. One brother isn't in contact much, but it's warm and friendly when we are. We all are welcome in his home, and he in ours. He doesn't talk with mom and dad almost ever. We know mom has serious issues, we know dad enables them, and at least 3 out of the 4 of us are coming Out of the FOG more all the time. We have acted as parents to each other, missing our own parental love and support.

In H's family, it feels like a shark's nest (no insult to sharks!). I mean that everyone is out for their own interests. Even if there is apparent friendliness, it is completely and totally untrusted as a possible FM or hoover on behalf of uNBPDmil. There is backstabbing and gossiping, massive favoritism, sometimes near estrangement. After 20+ years, I still cannot fully understand how H's siblings function. I know that H could not care less if he ever saw or talked to 2 of his sisters again. The third, who is the healthiest and most normal, he cares about but still doesn't call her, or she him. I find his family dynamics so terribly sad.

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Muggins

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Re: Your Brothers and Sisters....?
« Reply #9 on: September 07, 2016, 03:30:53 PM »
Everything changes after your parents die. Even if they've divided their estate evenly, there can be arguments over objects. The sense of entitlement a sibling displays can be a wonder to behold. How deep and strong must that feeling be to cause someone to steamroll over a sibling.

My sister must have thought she was royalty, that she was the heir and I was the spare.

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sandpiper

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Re: Your Brothers and Sisters....?
« Reply #10 on: September 07, 2016, 08:15:27 PM »
Wills have caused endless grief in our extended family system.
My older sisters both got cut out of our parents' will. I was desperate to have the love of my sisters & when the time came & the PD parent died, I saw to it that the estate was evenly divided between us.
That had a bandaid effect for a few years but it never healed the wounds of decades of child-pitting from multiple parties intent on setting us against each other.
My T said that it's common for siblings to end up not liking each other, but in a PD family when you are enlisted to play 'sides' and form allegiances from an early age, it's really, really difficult to end up with a loving and trusting relationship. Add to that the fact that we absorb so many dysfunctional expectations of relationships and its amazing when anyone can come out of that with a healthy relationship with a sibling as their friend & ally.