'I feel like I have lost part of me'

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SeasonsChange

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'I feel like I have lost part of me'
« on: August 21, 2016, 04:21:20 PM »
So, about 4 weeks ago I decided to go LC with my mum. I was going through a life changing  tough trial and it was really the first time I ever put my mental needs first so I asked for space and said I wouldn't be available to talk on the phone every day. (It got to the point where I would get a toxic call at least once every day with 30-1hr of here downloading her minor troubles and life, invalidating me, harassing me about not being in contact with the GC, bringing up distorted ancient history etc)

Anyway, that made her hurt/upset/angry and started up a variety of text messages. Some nice, mostly trying to emotionally manipulate me by saying how ill she is and how much she misses me. How she didn't want me to feel bad if something happens to her while I was out of contact.

I got a text yesterday asking if I was 'well enough' for a chat. I've never actually said what was wrong. She was desperate to find out what was going on with me but I was not about to share it with her. I didn't reply. She rang today and left a voicemail asking how I am and how sick she was and that she doesn't understand what she's done and she's sorry she has hurt me, she said she feels like she's missing a part of her not speaking to me.

I don't know how to deal with this. Obviously this is what I want to hear. I want her to tell me how much she loves me and worries about me, cares for me etc BUT it's not real. I think she thinks it's real. But her actions never match her words. She is lonely and scared about being ill and I spend all those phone calls listening to her and reassuring her. Giving her that supply she desperately needs.

My sister is the GC. She is treated with respect, her problems matter. When it comes to it my needs don't matter, they are inconvenient and I am supposed to be there for everyone else. But yet she calls me her best friend and that we are closer than anyone. That's why she can speak freely with me and 'be honest' about so much. It actually made me feel ill when she said I was a part of her.

I don't know. I feel so anxious about all of this, it's hard to breathe at times. I feel so bad and guilty about not being there for her. But I know I'm being manipulated. I know it would be the same to go back, if not worse because of the punishment for not being there the last 4 weeks.

To put it simply. I don't want to talk to her. Not even as the blandest rock there was. I'm angry and hurt and I don't think she deserves that from me. But I haven't ever told her that. I haven't written 'the letter' or anything because I know she would never ever see it from my point of view, it would hurt her and it would make her very angry. Is it unfair to fade out? I could give 1000 examples where she has done things that have hurt me and not understood when I've tried to explain.

Right now I feel like I want to be invisible. I want to disappear. That makes me sad. I want to be over this but I want to keep my compassion.

Sorry this is so long, didn't really know what to shorten off it.


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Sunshine days

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Re: 'I feel like I have lost part of me'
« Reply #1 on: August 21, 2016, 04:36:28 PM »
Hi seasons change, Well done for putting your needs first , you was trained to put your narcs needs first so of course all these emotions will be flying about as you come to terms with your life and who you are . Of course she doesn't care it's all about herself and everything will be always will be she's craving the narc supply and wants you back in the fold she knows you are breaking away and is using a guilt trip, remember she's the maker of the game and knows you well. Your health comes first now she's giving you anxiety attacks and emotionally and mentally abusing you. She knows what you want to hear, I shared once what mine had done wrong and she dismissed it when I thought she would apologise so don't go there as they really don't care, that was before I knew they can't create loving bonds . Carry on as you are don't crave that motherly love approval validation acceptance , take your inner child and help her recover . Honestly they can't love and rewrite history she will gaslight you and confuse so you doubt your own perceptions. 

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Sunshine days

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Re: 'I feel like I have lost part of me'
« Reply #2 on: August 21, 2016, 04:39:14 PM »
On a second note... I know the feeling of the loss you speak of, it does feel like you have lost a part but once you go through this process you find a real part of yourself and things do get better but first you have to grieve a mother you never had , this lc etc and awakening is truly a gift of finding you but it's a hard slog but you have to go through it to let go of it. X

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SeasonsChange

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Re: 'I feel like I have lost part of me'
« Reply #3 on: August 21, 2016, 05:26:25 PM »
Thank you Sunshine, that's exactly it, she knows what I want to hear. They are masters at the smooth talking at manipulating. I just have to keep reminding myself it's not real. Kind of like when you watch an actor, it's all for the role.

It is hard to let that approval/reassurance/motherly love idea go though. Hopefully time will help and I am starting therapy soon going to work really hard to get through this because I think it will be worth it in the long run.

Thank you :)

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Sunshine days

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Re: 'I feel like I have lost part of me'
« Reply #4 on: August 21, 2016, 06:04:43 PM »
Your welcome seasons change, At least you are aware now which is good , it takes time, I can offer you insight because I recognise where you are and I know the pain it takes to get out of it but it's worth it believe me. You are lucky I can't afford therapy but everything I have learned and gained has been my own sweat and determination and I think doing it my way has given me strength I wouldn't of had if I leaned on a therapist . I have had to hold my own when I needed someone to hold on to but this was the belief I had inside me that I could do it . I picked that inner child up and let her cry , now she's a adult and still needs love but wanting what is normal won't come from a narc. You have to love yourself better and let go of the illusion of every having a normal mother. Waking up is the beginning of healing , after you wake up you start crawling then walking then running. The enemy no longer has hold on you , you where behind enemy lines , then no mans land now you are with your allies. Freedom awaits . She knows she's skewed by her behaviour and choices thus the need to gaslight you. The folding over is the way the narc gets satisfaction by seeing they still have control over you and also by we will even turn around and harm ourselves in pursuit of maintaining some sort of relationship with them. Trauma is a wound and it heals best when we let it heal by taking care of ourselves and not exposing ourselves to the source of the trauma. You need to not fold over and get stronger emotionally and over come the guilt she installed in you from being a child. This board is a live saver, I look forward to seeing your story and progress. X

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SeasonsChange

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Re: 'I feel like I have lost part of me'
« Reply #5 on: August 21, 2016, 06:55:14 PM »
I am lucky that I'm in the uk an the NHS are paying otherwise we couldn't afford therapy either.

I really want to get to the stage where I trust my own self and don't need other people to reassure me, that inner strength you speak of. It's definitely reassuring to hear that there is hope out the other side. I guess right now I feel that I will always feel like this....obsessing round and round all the time second guessing myself. It all feels a bit hopeless, change is uncomfortable.

Thank you for the encouragement, it really means a lot to me. :)

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Sunshine days

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Re: 'I feel like I have lost part of me'
« Reply #6 on: August 21, 2016, 07:10:36 PM »
Yes there is hope and a new stronger you but first you need to work through these intense emotions , your holding it all and it needs to come out bit by bit the feelings you have stuffed down. I have faith in you and I know you really want it. Work on your own soul and not what happened to your soul in the end when you come Out of the FOG , you will be detached and see the narc for who she is a immature adult in a human body. Right now you have to process some very intense emotions and you need support doing that, for me I felt like I was going through a rebirth. I had never felt anger before so I went into my bedroom and screamed it out, hitting pillows but it worked I reclaimed my emotions back and grew strong. I doubted myself so much I had to ask people all the time it drove me nuts I couldn't make my own mind up then I started to sit with it and tell myself you have to decide and when you ask like a child you are giving your power away so anything I felt that was controlling, I took control of my life and it was sheer pain and still is in many ways but I would rather feel it then deny it . Narcs don't want us to be loved and have justices they want to lock us up. If they pretend to be nice it's just another game and then they go back to being nasty. You was trained not to take care of yourself , go and find yourself and reclaim who you are warts and all. Private message me anytime . Post on the board anything and some one will understand it. So glad you are on the right road to yourself , don't let the cruelty destroy you show it how strong you are and rise above it , they chose to abuse us because we are so much more better then them

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Sunshine days

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Re: 'I feel like I have lost part of me'
« Reply #7 on: August 21, 2016, 07:18:53 PM »

I am lucky that I'm in the uk an the NHS are paying otherwise we couldn't afford therapy either.

I really want to get to the stage where I trust my own self and don't need other people to reassure me, that inner strength you speak of. It's definitely reassuring to hear that there is hope out the other side. I guess right now I feel that I will always feel like this....obsessing round and round all the time second guessing myself. It all feels a bit hopeless, change is uncomfortable.

Thank you for the encouragement, it really means a lot to me. :)  YOUR WELCOME


HEY !!!! CHECK OUT THE TOPIC ON THE BOARD CRITICAL VOICE , IT'S THE VOICE THAT'S IN YOUR HEAD RIGHT NOW , THE VOICE OF A MENTALLY ILL MOTHER YOU HAVE . WE ABSORBED IT AS KIDS AND NOW WE NEED TO KICK IT OUT. GOOD LUCK , EVERYONE IS HERE FOR YOU
[/quote]

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SeasonsChange

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Re: 'I feel like I have lost part of me'
« Reply #8 on: August 21, 2016, 07:36:21 PM »
Thank you so much! That's exactly it, I'm not used to feeling my emotions. Anger is a big one and I'm definitely driving my partner nuts with the needing reassurance. I think that's addictive too and something I'm going to work on.

Thank you for your support! I will definitely keep on, it makes the difference knowing I'm not alone in this.

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Sunshine days

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Re: 'I feel like I have lost part of me'
« Reply #9 on: August 21, 2016, 08:37:29 PM »
My partner didn't understand it either , be careful while you are healing they might hurt you more and you will feel angry they aren't supporting you but they don't have that pain , you feel locked into it and by talking on here and expressing yourself you will slowly unravel yourself. When I changed so did my partner it was weird but in one way I knew he wasn't a narc and in another way I saw narc fleas in him . Your coming out of co dependency , one book I read was called beyond co dependency it helped me emotionally to understand where I was at and what to do but as healing is so fast I couldn't keep up with it , so some things I may need to go back to. Your needy because you have been emotionally abused , you are insecure and don't have that mother stability , try not to get it from your partner . No one can take this away from you but you, facing it , being honest and owning it will make you grow out of it into a adult, it's the child that's still in you. If he's going nuts now that your clingy , wait till he she's the new independent outspoken no nonsense talking person you will become. Imagine it as a limb coming back to life, you where told you was to sensitive probably I know I was told this and that was because my narc didn't want me to have an opinion, so anything I said was either I am to sensitive or I am a trouble causer so I never spoke in the end and sat like a stuffed dummy until I decided to fight back . Remember your inner child needs you , I shared this part only with myself as I knew no one could take that pain away from me. You got this now ..

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BentNotBroken

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Re: 'I feel like I have lost part of me'
« Reply #10 on: August 21, 2016, 09:04:21 PM »
I don't have much in experience but I will just state what I noticed about your post. When you speak of yourself it's almost like it's just a passing thought about scenery or something moot but when you talk about her it's very articulate and thoroughly clear that her feelings matter most. Like she's the main character in your life. You are your main character in your life, everyone else is supposed to just be bonuses. (I'm obviously not very articulate in this response, sorry). I just mean to say that until you become a bigger role in your life and decisions it's probably safe to say you deserve this time to find yourself. Anyone who loves and respects you would see that you need this and support your decision to take this journey.

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SeasonsChange

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Re: 'I feel like I have lost part of me'
« Reply #11 on: August 22, 2016, 03:29:25 AM »
My partner didn't understand it either , be careful while you are healing they might hurt you more and you will feel angry they aren't supporting you but they don't have that pain , you feel locked into it and by talking on here and expressing yourself you will slowly unravel yourself. When I changed so did my partner it was weird but in one way I knew he wasn't a narc and in another way I saw narc fleas in him . Your coming out of co dependency , one book I read was called beyond co dependency it helped me emotionally to understand where I was at and what to do but as healing is so fast I couldn't keep up with it , so some things I may need to go back to. Your needy because you have been emotionally abused , you are insecure and don't have that mother stability , try not to get it from your partner . No one can take this away from you but you, facing it , being honest and owning it will make you grow out of it into a adult, it's the child that's still in you. If he's going nuts now that your clingy , wait till he she's the new independent outspoken no nonsense talking person you will become. Imagine it as a limb coming back to life, you where told you was to sensitive probably I know I was told this and that was because my narc didn't want me to have an opinion, so anything I said was either I am to sensitive or I am a trouble causer so I never spoke in the end and sat like a stuffed dummy until I decided to fight back . Remember your inner child needs you , I shared this part only with myself as I knew no one could take that pain away from me. You got this now ..

You know I never really noticed how codependent I was until all this. He isn't a narc or have any traits but he is quite insecure and I wonder if needs me to need him. I definitely relied on him for reassurance and that nurturing and support that I needed for a long time. I hope I can grow out of that because I definitely see child like behaviours at times in myself. I hope he can love the me that comes out of all of this.

I was the sensitive one I was also the 'oh she's ok' one and if I did react it was 'we are so alike' so I hated that too. I was always petrified I would end up just like her and that my emotions aren't real just ways to manipulate.

Thank you :) I'm so glad I found this forum already.

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SeasonsChange

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Re: 'I feel like I have lost part of me'
« Reply #12 on: August 22, 2016, 03:41:34 AM »
I don't have much in experience but I will just state what I noticed about your post. When you speak of yourself it's almost like it's just a passing thought about scenery or something moot but when you talk about her it's very articulate and thoroughly clear that her feelings matter most. Like she's the main character in your life. You are your main character in your life, everyone else is supposed to just be bonuses. (I'm obviously not very articulate in this response, sorry). I just mean to say that until you become a bigger role in your life and decisions it's probably safe to say you deserve this time to find yourself. Anyone who loves and respects you would see that you need this and support your decision to take this journey.

That is true. I have to admit. But in her head she is the main character in everyone's life. She is that 'seriously ill, strong survivor (victim)' that needs all the support. I've definitely taken then on as my responsibility. I've put her and my sister's needs first for years and STILL it's never been enough. Once I was seriously ill (at risk of losing a limb through infection!) and didn't go to the hospital because she wanted to go somewhere that was planned. She admitted to my partner she would have been angry if I'd cancelled because of it and laughed at it.

I need to make a list of these things to help remind me when I lose perspective but I was worried it would make me obsessed on the past or bitter....ie....like her. Writing these posts has made me see that is a big fear in myself, becoming or being like her. I think the thought of putting my feelings first makes me feel like that too. That I'm being narcissistic and others should come first always. But I guess we can't help others until we are well enough ourselves.

Thank you, you're right people who love and respect me would at least acknowledge I have the right to feelings and struggles. Just because someone's family doesn't mean you have to keep them in your life if they are toxic. I didn't realise that in fact my mother told me that the one sided relationship with my sister was the way it was and I had to take it 'for the good of the family' and not to 'rip the family apart again'.

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Orangeblossom77

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Re: 'I feel like I have lost part of me'
« Reply #13 on: August 22, 2016, 06:25:16 AM »
I noticed that it saying she feels like she is missing part of her, that sort of shows she doesn't really think of you as a separate person with your own needs and feelings. I read this is common in PDs (esp Ns) as they just think you are part of them, as it is all about them.

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Sunshine days

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Re: 'I feel like I have lost part of me'
« Reply #14 on: August 22, 2016, 08:03:51 AM »
The very reason you are asking if you are narcisstic makes you a non narcissistic person, it's common to question this as you come through your healing, in time you will get a handle and clarity on this, it's just a long hard process but one worth taking as its your sanity that's involved. Your partner will change as you change don't worry about that  bit, worry about yourself , put your needs first and everything else falls into place. Yes ! Joirnalling is a good idea I started writing what a narc looked like and it set me crazy but it had to be done so I could understand my healing , as I was in the mix of it and needed to get out so the more I learned about it the more I set myself free. You wont obsess over the past or become bitter but you have a right to your righteous  anger , this will help you grow tremoudously , let me feelings surface and owe them, no matter how ugly they are. Your narc has been blackmailing blaming you for ripping the family away so you learned to shut up and carry the burden , your the fixer like I was but you can't fix them. When you nearly lost a limb you expected care of her but like I said before they don't care and are so self absorbed they can't see you or your needs , a truly empathetic person would feel your dilemena , sorry you had to have a mother lie this and sorry you nearly lost a limb that would be a real scary thing to happen. It's terrible they can't give and can only only take . Thinking of your strength today and know your not alone, many are at different stages of recovery so a wealth of information and support here you will never be stuck, it's only you that falls in the pot holes and hide don't be ashamed they aren't your feelings to carry.

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SeasonsChange

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Re: 'I feel like I have lost part of me'
« Reply #15 on: August 22, 2016, 11:03:08 AM »
I noticed that it saying she feels like she is missing part of her, that sort of shows she doesn't really think of you as a separate person with your own needs and feelings. I read this is common in PDs (esp Ns) as they just think you are part of them, as it is all about them.

Yes that sounds about right. She probably feels I'm a part of her that she can control depending what she wants/needs. I need to un-enmesh (not sure if that is a word but you know what I mean!) from her and have space for my own feelings and needs. Thank you :)

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SeasonsChange

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Re: 'I feel like I have lost part of me'
« Reply #16 on: August 22, 2016, 11:18:37 AM »
The very reason you are asking if you are narcisstic makes you a non narcissistic person, it's common to question this as you come through your healing, in time you will get a handle and clarity on this, it's just a long hard process but one worth taking as its your sanity that's involved. Your partner will change as you change don't worry about that  bit, worry about yourself , put your needs first and everything else falls into place. Yes ! Joirnalling is a good idea I started writing what a narc looked like and it set me crazy but it had to be done so I could understand my healing , as I was in the mix of it and needed to get out so the more I learned about it the more I set myself free. You wont obsess over the past or become bitter but you have a right to your righteous  anger , this will help you grow tremoudously , let me feelings surface and owe them, no matter how ugly they are. Your narc has been blackmailing blaming you for ripping the family away so you learned to shut up and carry the burden , your the fixer like I was but you can't fix them. When you nearly lost a limb you expected care of her but like I said before they don't care and are so self absorbed they can't see you or your needs , a truly empathetic person would feel your dilemena , sorry you had to have a mother lie this and sorry you nearly lost a limb that would be a real scary thing to happen. It's terrible they can't give and can only only take . Thinking of your strength today and know your not alone, many are at different stages of recovery so a wealth of information and support here you will never be stuck, it's only you that falls in the pot holes and hide don't be ashamed they aren't your feelings to carry.

Thank you Sunshine, I guess that's true that a narc would never think they had done anything wrong. I spend a lot of time obsessing over everything I've said/done and worrying about it.

It's so hard to put myself first. It's new to me and I feel guilty but I know I need to. It's also really really hard for me to express any negative feelings.

Thank you so much for all the encouragement I really needed it, have really felt the anxiety this last week. Worrying that I'm not doing the right thing. Even though I know that she has done me so much harm its so hard to let go and be the 'bad' person. That conditioning is deeply engrained isn't it? I read today that we can pick up on the behaviour before we even realise what it means. So I'm trying not to be too negative about myself for finding this difficult. It's so good to not be alone with this.

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Sunshine days

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Re: 'I feel like I have lost part of me'
« Reply #17 on: August 22, 2016, 02:02:56 PM »
Your welcome seasons change, I went through the beating up stage that's because the narc was hard on me (sg) I use to analyse every word but it was all about worrying I had done something wrong when in fact I hadn't done a thing  wrong it was the way the narc was creating drama and keeping me on my toes and nothing was ever good enough so I kept in cycle of beating myself up and never thinking hey!!! It's not me it's the narc, I just took the emotional and mental abuse some one has to be the dumping ground. You need to research the karpman triangle , we are in cycles so once you stop beating yourself up you will densentize the cycle , it takes a bit to do but it can be done , I would catch myself in it and eventually stop it right away and I knew I had progressed and the more self care I did the more I beat the cycle and became a person with a idendity. You have to get pass feeling guilty , it's your life and you need to reclaim it. Yes it's ingrained deep but in there is the real you and you can unravel yourself, it's the only way to let go and control your life again. Learn to be empathetic without being a co dependant fixer but first you need to grieve these feelings you are frightened to see. The collapse is due to our internal sensitivity caused by being insulted and invalidated as a child , adolescent and adult by our n/m when it happens during recovery it is if it triggers a momentary regression back to childhood, old memories make the current situation feel much bigger then it really is " the domino effect"  leads to feeling of internal collapse which is also described as a result of post traumatic stress disorder comply referred to as PTSD . Your not the bad person that's the cricital voice she's put in you , your frightened of the intensity of what's coming, you can handle it , infact you are doing it right now. Your passing constant judgement on yourself , you have always had to walk on egg shells in fear of upsetting her , thats a pd trait to control us, You can't control what other people think and feel , we can control the way we react to their treatment. Your experiencing something new a stronger you something you have never had. We where brainwashed to believe their happiness would create our happiness.
« Last Edit: August 22, 2016, 02:06:07 PM by Sunshine days »

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SeasonsChange

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Re: 'I feel like I have lost part of me'
« Reply #18 on: August 22, 2016, 03:40:35 PM »
Thank you Sunshine. I have looked at the karpman cycle before and I'm definitely the rescuer. It makes a lot of sense that to get out of that cycle I need to be the persecutor a bit. Because I know in the past to try and please my mum I have encouraged those phone calls by trying to listen and empathise and all that even when I should have just said she was making me feel bad etc That's why she seeks me out because I gave her what she needed for so long.

Self care is something I've never been good at and I have been trying to start, it's just hard when you don't feel like you are worth of it I guess. I need to do some more research into ptsd. I didn't think what I'd gone through was 'enough' to justify that. But you are definitely right, it is frightening to have these feelings even more so to show them to others. Expressing them growing up got me passive aggression, sulking and rage. It was easier to 'be ok' and just bury those feelings. Not healthy for me in the long term of course.

I don't even know who the real me is. What I like, who I am or what I am like. I've been so desperate trying not to be her and trying to make her happy at the same time. Listening when she says 'you are so impulsive' 'you're just like me' etc etc

I'm sorry for going on, it just feels good to have people who understand what I'm saying and have experience in it.

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Sunshine days

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Re: 'I feel like I have lost part of me'
« Reply #19 on: August 22, 2016, 04:37:52 PM »
Sounds like you have your hand in every pot. I know we participated in the problem by not setting boundaries, how could  we when we where puppets. my mother never admits she's wrong , doesn't need validation or accountability , no point in trying to change her mind either , that's another dance story. I use to dress like mine now I hate anything she likes. Your definitely a extension of her she won't let you go that easy and probably feels you breaking away . You don't have to be sorry you have a voice now.