'I feel like I have lost part of me'

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SeasonsChange

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Re: 'I feel like I have lost part of me'
« Reply #40 on: August 23, 2016, 02:02:20 PM »
I know what you mean about the identity thing. I hope you can continue to work through it. It's hard to change your beliefs when you've been told something from before you even have memories.

I think I probably have some narc flea behaviours that stem from insecurities and self esteem issues so I want to work on that too.

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Sunshine days

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Re: 'I feel like I have lost part of me'
« Reply #41 on: August 23, 2016, 02:19:37 PM »
Yes! I am working hard , I want to be me . I am trying to accept I am sensitive without feeling I have been cursed, I got controlled without a voice for showing emotion . I think eventually the narc drains all emotion out of their children . I want to restore myself back to before the memory you speak of. I got rid of the narc fleas in my family when I become stronger and healthier, I conquered that. X

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SeasonsChange

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Re: 'I feel like I have lost part of me'
« Reply #42 on: August 23, 2016, 05:05:12 PM »
That sounds so good, it must feel so good to come so far. Especially to get rid of the narc fleas and be able to regulate and feel emotions. I look forward to that.  :) You're doing so well.

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ten minutes

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Re: 'I feel like I have lost part of me'
« Reply #43 on: August 23, 2016, 05:21:58 PM »
At the time I thought I was going to die of a broken heart and then I saw myself emerging from brokenness and I had to believe it was happening and that I was emotionally and mentally abused , trapped in the narcs mirror. It took strength and a belief within me , a belief I never had before . I struggle with my identity as it wasn't given to me as a child so believing in myself is really hard work but I ain't giving up just yet. So glad you are feeling much better, talk therapy is really good .

I think many of us struggle with issues of identity.  You said that your identity wasn't given to you, and I don't mean to sound like I'm splitting hairs, but it's important to note that identity is something that you develop yourself over time.  The problem is that many of us were discouraged from becoming a separate entity from our Nparent.  They just think of us as an extension of themselves.  The real pain in this is that one day you realize that you're not really sure who you are.  It happened to me, and I'm still trying to work through it.  Narc parents really leave you with a feeling of having no idea who you are, what you care about, and what you want in life.  For me, I have ideas about these concepts, but I have never really followed through and done the deep exploration until now.

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Sunshine days

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Re: 'I feel like I have lost part of me'
« Reply #44 on: August 23, 2016, 08:02:15 PM »
At the time I thought I was going to die of a broken heart and then I saw myself emerging from brokenness and I had to believe it was happening and that I was emotionally and mentally abused , trapped in the narcs mirror. It took strength and a belief within me , a belief I never had before . I struggle with my identity as it wasn't given to me as a child so believing in myself is really hard work but I ain't giving up just yet. So glad you are feeling much better, talk therapy is really good .

I think many of us struggle with issues of identity.  You said that your identity wasn't given to you, and I don't mean to sound like I'm splitting hairs, but it's important to note that identity is something that you develop yourself over time.  The problem is that many of us were discouraged from becoming a separate entity from our Nparent.  They just think of us as an extension of themselves.  The real pain in this is that one day you realize that you're not really sure who you are.  It happened to me, and I'm still trying to work through it.  Narc parents really leave you with a feeling of having no idea who you are, what you care about, and what you want in life.  For me, I have ideas about these concepts, but I have never really followed through and done the deep exploration until now.
No! You are not splitting hairs , it's great you can put a spin on it ten minutes. Yes I am developing it its really hard going, nothing like the pain of first knowing you have a identity and grieving the years you never had . Its the most I have felt whole as a person so I am happy as I was grieving the loss of being robbed. It was like I had the role of a sg and then there's me who wanted to have hobbies but got tied up with the narcs role, these people are highly controlling and suffer with jealousy . They think they own us , and we are not allowed to develop that identity , my identity was in what the narc thought of me and what I had to do in the role to keep the narc fed. Yes! It was a huge shock knowing I didn't have a identity I was crippled emotionally for many years , I to am trying to reach a deeper level on this but it just isn't there yet. I was brainwashed and robbed and now I have to with what I have left salvage it and reinvent it and stand tall. My narc never wanted me to leave she use to tell me what I thought and felt , I was so consumed by her. They go mad if you don't agree it hurts there fragile ego.
« Last Edit: August 23, 2016, 08:19:30 PM by Sunshine days »

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Sunshine days

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Re: 'I feel like I have lost part of me'
« Reply #45 on: August 23, 2016, 08:14:29 PM »
That sounds so good, it must feel so good to come so far. Especially to get rid of the narc fleas and be able to regulate and feel emotions. I look forward to that.  :) You're doing so well.

Thank you seasons change , it's so nice to get feed back, I think each part of recovery is the same for everyone the procedure we go through , like you are grieving the loss of a mother you never had, I remember that to and then I went no contact again and found I had a identity and cried a lot in them days. It's only now I can see a bit into who I am but it's so hazy I believe it will come, I remember finding myself but this is different that's coming , I don't know what it is but I know something good is coming. Yes! I thought I was going  crazy , I thought I was bi polar because my hormones and emotions where up and down, I just processed them and sat with the pain, it's been a long hard road . You need to identify each feeling , I cried through this because I couldn't recognise things I felt so numb emotionally and then sheer pain. Now I can regulate my emotions and my mind doesn't think I can't cope and collapse. Sorry for hi jacking your thread but I feel that part you miss isn't missing no more in me . Thank you for your support too. Xx
« Last Edit: August 23, 2016, 08:17:30 PM by Sunshine days »

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SeasonsChange

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Re: 'I feel like I have lost part of me'
« Reply #46 on: August 24, 2016, 04:04:22 AM »
Sunshine, I don't feel like you are hijacking my thread. The sharing your story and information is very helpful to me especially right now. I feel like I am 1000 steps behind you. I agree that narcs feel we are part of their identity and that they own us.

I took a bit of a back step yesterday. She sent a gift, just a small thing and a card saying she knew how much she hurt me and her heart was incomplete now...etc....etc. I felt out of control with anxiety. I rang her. She started to talk saying how hard she was having it. I said, I need to talk now. I said thank you for the gift, I said she hadn't hurt me and that this was about something I was going through something private. She said why can't you tell me 'I'm  your mother' I said exactly. (Not the best line but my temper was losing) Well I asked her to stop sending the passive aggressive texts and give me some space. I tried to be empathetic by saying I know you are having a hard time but I have never had space for my feelings and it's always been about you and GC.

Well she said Message received. Very upset, but I could hear that rage underneath it.

The anxiety felt a bit better afterwards. I know this has made her very mad and feel very sorry for herself. She will use this to smear me and I'm sure she wouldn't have taken in what I said. At all. But I have given her a clear boundary now. If she chooses to ignore it or take it badly it's her choice.

On the other hand. I do feel sad and sorry for her. I cried a lot yesterday because it physically hurt me to hurt her. Is their hurt ever real? It must feel real to them? Or is it just an angry tantrum like a child? I know why she misses me. I was the only one really who was stupid enough to listen to so much of her rubbish every day. I feel bad I'm not there for her. Are we responsible to support our mothers to some extent? I feel so conflicted.

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Sunshine days

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Re: 'I feel like I have lost part of me'
« Reply #47 on: August 24, 2016, 05:29:13 AM »
Sunshine, I don't feel like you are hijacking my thread. The sharing your story and information is very helpful to me especially right now. I feel like I am 1000 steps behind you. I agree that narcs feel we are part of their identity and that they own us.

I took a bit of a back step yesterday. She sent a gift, just a small thing and a card saying she knew how much she hurt me and her heart was incomplete now...etc....etc. I felt out of control with anxiety. I rang her. She started to talk saying how hard she was having it. I said, I need to talk now. I said thank you for the gift, I said she hadn't hurt me and that this was about something I was going through something private. She said why can't you tell me 'I'm  your mother' I said exactly. (Not the best line but my temper was losing) Well I asked her to stop sending the passive aggressive texts and give me some space. I tried to be empathetic by saying I know you are having a hard time but I have never had space for my feelings and it's always been about you and GC.

Well she said Message received. Very upset, but I could hear that rage underneath it.

The anxiety felt a bit better afterwards. I know this has made her very mad and feel very sorry for herself. She will use this to smear me and I'm sure she wouldn't have taken in what I said. At all. But I have given her a clear boundary now. If she chooses to ignore it or take it badly it's her choice.

On the other hand. I do feel sad and sorry for her. I cried a lot yesterday because it physically hurt me to hurt her. Is their hurt ever real? It must feel real to them? Or is it just an angry tantrum like a child? I know why she misses me. I was the only one really who was stupid enough to listen to so much of her rubbish every day. I feel bad I'm not there for her. Are we responsible to support our mothers to some extent? I feel so conflicted.

WOW!  Well done, you have handled it really well. My narc was nice a few times and I fell back in , I didn't know I had fallen in , I guess I wanted what was normal and just went along with her being nice, then I noticed when I was back in the fold nothing changed and she slid back to her nasty side . Then I accepted she's not a nice person or she would listen to me and accept I am not happy but then I saw deeper into who she was has I healed myself. Everything in my book they do is a game, it's all part of their little dance they do, they manipulate you and if you talk about how you feel they gaslight you and make it about them at all times, your just a invisible cheerleader on the side. I to realised it was all about the golden child and the narc and I to soaked up that negativity , I was the mug that listened to the same old shit , poor me syndrome, how upset she was , all games games games. She knows you are showing signs of leaving or putting up your boundaries . Then they will say the nicest things to you or shower you with gifts in an effort to make you think you overreacted. They can appear kind charming when it suits them. Don't fall for it, it's all a ploy to suck in you back in. Keep your guard up and realise everything is a game to them. They don't love anyone and have no empathy and they certainly are not sorry for their actions . It's all just one big game and the victims are the pawns . DONT PLAY!!!!  We grew up with a guilt feeling of always being wrong , that's why we dissect someone's words behaviour etc this is the core of the problem and you need to get better to sort out the core issue in you. You have created some space for yourself by putting a boundary in place, thats huge and well done. Don't open the door , you give them what they want and openings he door to more abusive you will fill that supply and they would make you feel not good enough. Soon you will stop feeling bad as you will be stronger and healed in that place then you get to see them for what they are. You want what is normal but they can't give you what is normal because they don't have it to give to you. They are not able to create loving bonds, even the love for the gc is distorted  love. Thank your lucky stars you are aware and wakened to the abuse. Don't fall into the drama, start thinking of yourself at all times, it's hard but it's the only way out. They are stuck in their behaviour and minds so it's a fantasy , it's not real , you do not have to give it any power in your life. They crave drama if you are no contact with them you are not a active participant  in the drama so you won't be in the scapegoat role. They don't see anything they do is wrong there's no reasoning with such people , you was the dumping ground for a sick person who can't process negative emotions and live in a fantasy , they hate cristism because it hurts their fragile ego and they can't handle emotional discomfort in them, they are shallow people and we are deep loving meaningful souls, be proud of that . X

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SeasonsChange

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Re: 'I feel like I have lost part of me'
« Reply #48 on: August 24, 2016, 10:03:23 AM »
Thank you :) Yes that's it, I do want the normality and niceness back but like you say it always goes back to the way it was. I have to keep reminding myself what you said that it's a game. This isn't real things she's saying. She doesn't feel the way other people do.

I definitely over analyse everything I say to others and dissect it all, I need to work on that and learn to trust myself. I always worry about saying the wrong thing and upsetting people.

You are so right, with all you said. She definitely does have a fragile ego and is never wrong. I've figured out as well that it doesn't matter if I try and explain how I'm feeling in a patient, rational way. She has never listened, never even tried. So I think I need to stop trying and just spend my energy recovering.

Thank you for what you wrote. Xx

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Sunshine days

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Re: 'I feel like I have lost part of me'
« Reply #49 on: August 24, 2016, 05:50:06 PM »
Your welcome, it's sad the way they are but we can't carry them anymore, they need to look at themselves. Yeah! I went through that overanalysing so glad I don't do it now as my self esteem is much these days. I was so frightened of making a mistake that I carefully overanalysed everything and also thought people had another agenda , I just didn't trust anyone , thanks to my narc mental sickness. I just wasnt  good enough and everything I did was wrong so I was constantly worries about making a mistake and always saying sorry sorry sorry , one day many moons ago someone said to me for Gods sake stop saying sorry it was like glass that smashed on the floor and I had to work really hardon it, then I started to hear people say its not your fault when I would say sorry and then I started to desentise it and see how broken I was. I would question people to and take everything as literal but now I am comfortable with myself I dont care what anyone else is doing, I worried about everyone and took other people's burdens , I was conditioned to be a fixer. Such a long backward road. They don't care about us and if they pretend they do it's only to focus the attention back on them. You have to be careful people don't play with you , when I was worried and I was getting stronger I saw people trying to make me feel as though I had done something wrong , it's scary the potholes out there. It's hard I know letting go we so deserved a better mother but honestly they don't change , I too wanted a normal relationship and I was happy to let it go and start a fresh but when they dont acknowledge you as a person and only as a extentsion of them and don't care to take on board what you have said to them about their mothering skills , for me I knew I was banging my head against a brick wall and she was to old to change never mind therapy . The fear of admitting any kind of fault just got deeper and deeper into their problem, their very stubborn people who think they are right and if we don't agree they think we have critised them and I don't know about you but this is where I got beaten down as a kid as I didn't understand mixed up families then and was dependant upon the narc to clothe and feed me , I never knew how to stick up for myself , i trusted the narc . I am so proud I worked it out in the end, be proud of yourself to, it's not easy getting out of the enmeshment.

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SeasonsChange

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Re: 'I feel like I have lost part of me'
« Reply #50 on: August 24, 2016, 06:43:10 PM »
That's exactly how I feel about the fear of making a mistake and saying sorry sorry all the time. I'm definitely trying to be a fixer and get frustrated when I can't and take it on myself. It's like an underground anxiety that I should be doing something to 'make it better'. I'm bad if I can't make it better. But of course, sometimes things can't be made better and I have to be ok with that.

It's hard to break that people pleaser habit. But I'm working on it.

Just feeling a bit sad about it today, I know her and GC sister treat me like rubbish but I still feel rejected and hurt.  I wish I didn't feel that sadness, makes me feel frustrated.

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Sunshine days

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Re: 'I feel like I have lost part of me'
« Reply #51 on: August 24, 2016, 08:47:26 PM »
That's exactly how I feel about the fear of making a mistake and saying sorry sorry all the time. I'm definitely trying to be a fixer and get frustrated when I can't and take it on myself. It's like an underground anxiety that I should be doing something to 'make it better'. I'm bad if I can't make it better. But of course, sometimes things can't be made better and I have to be ok with that.

It's hard to break that people pleaser habit. But I'm working on it.

Just feeling a bit sad about it today, I know her and GC sister treat me like rubbish but I still feel rejected and hurt.  I wish I didn't feel that sadness, makes me feel frustrated.

YOUR FRUSTRATED BECAUSE YOU ARE TRAPPED IN THIS MESS AND YOU SEE YOURSELF NOW WHEREAS BEFORE YOU WAS BUSY BEATING YOURSELF UP, NOW YOU ARE BREAKING CYCLES , YOU ARE MISSING  YOUR OLD PATTERNS OF STUFFING YOUR FEELINGS DOWN, IT'S LIKE YOU ARE EXPOSED AND THERE'S NO PLACE TO HIDE , I JUST CRIED IT OUT WHEN EVERY I KNEW I WAS IN THE SPOTLIGHT AND ACCEPTED I WASN'T WELL AND HEY!!!! IT'S OK TO FEEL LKE THIS. WE WANT TO TALK THINGS OUT WITH THEM BUT WE HAVE TO ACCEPT THEY DON'T LOVE US AND DON'T WANT TO SO BETTER LIKE YOU SAID SAVING ALL YOUR ENERGY FOR YOURSELF. I WAITED FOR LITTLE GLIMPSES SO I COULD GROW BUT IT WAS HARD WORK GETTING THE TRUTH OUT, GC SLIPPED UP A FEW TIMES AND POW!!!! I SAW INTO THE DYSFUNCTIONAL CYCLES. GOLDEN CHILDREN WRITE IT DOWN AS NORMAL FAMILY THINGS, HAVE NO REASON TO REFLECT, THEY SIDE WITH THE ABUSER TO KEEP THEMSELVES SAFE, CAN DO NO WRONG IN THE EYES OF THE ABUSER , THE ABUSER NEVER EXPECTS ANYTHING  -- RESULT HUGE ENTITLMENT ISSUES, THEY DO NO EORNG , WE DO NO RIGHT. IT'S NEVER GOING TO CHANGE, ACCEPTANCE IS THE KEY ALL THE WAY NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT HURTS. YOU WILL BREAK THE PEOPLE PLEASER HABIT IN YOU.

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Creativesoul

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Re: 'I feel like I have lost part of me'
« Reply #52 on: August 24, 2016, 11:11:49 PM »
Seasons, another helpful thing to do is keep a journal and write down how you feel every time you have contact with her. You will notice a pattern emerging!

I could never set a boundary with my mother, she would never give me "space". Never respected me in that way. She did not call, but the gifts are a way to control you. She knows you are a nice person and will respond. She is playing you. Like I said, I stopped responding in any way, shape or form. You can't win if you respond.

It makes me nervous that your therapist says she sees "a glimmer of maternal love". I honestly don't think she knows enough about your relationship to say that. Be careful, the mother-daughter relationship is almost taboo to sever in our society, that is why I got so many screwed up therapists.

My very favorite therapist was a man who listened to me speak about my mom and then said, "What a Bitch!!" It was the best! I needed someone being that blunt in order to wake me up. He was from Brooklyn, and he used to swear and it was so refreshing to just have someone throw it in my face. Just my 2 cents, trust your gut!
 

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SeasonsChange

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Re: 'I feel like I have lost part of me'
« Reply #53 on: August 25, 2016, 06:23:55 AM »
YOUR FRUSTRATED BECAUSE YOU ARE TRAPPED IN THIS MESS AND YOU SEE YOURSELF NOW WHEREAS BEFORE YOU WAS BUSY BEATING YOURSELF UP, NOW YOU ARE BREAKING CYCLES , YOU ARE MISSING  YOUR OLD PATTERNS OF STUFFING YOUR FEELINGS DOWN, IT'S LIKE YOU ARE EXPOSED AND THERE'S NO PLACE TO HIDE , I JUST CRIED IT OUT WHEN EVERY I KNEW I WAS IN THE SPOTLIGHT AND ACCEPTED I WASN'T WELL AND HEY!!!! IT'S OK TO FEEL LKE THIS. WE WANT TO TALK THINGS OUT WITH THEM BUT WE HAVE TO ACCEPT THEY DON'T LOVE US AND DON'T WANT TO SO BETTER LIKE YOU SAID SAVING ALL YOUR ENERGY FOR YOURSELF. I WAITED FOR LITTLE GLIMPSES SO I COULD GROW BUT IT WAS HARD WORK GETTING THE TRUTH OUT, GC SLIPPED UP A FEW TIMES AND POW!!!! I SAW INTO THE DYSFUNCTIONAL CYCLES. GOLDEN CHILDREN WRITE IT DOWN AS NORMAL FAMILY THINGS, HAVE NO REASON TO REFLECT, THEY SIDE WITH THE ABUSER TO KEEP THEMSELVES SAFE, CAN DO NO WRONG IN THE EYES OF THE ABUSER , THE ABUSER NEVER EXPECTS ANYTHING  -- RESULT HUGE ENTITLMENT ISSUES, THEY DO NO EORNG , WE DO NO RIGHT. IT'S NEVER GOING TO CHANGE, ACCEPTANCE IS THE KEY ALL THE WAY NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT HURTS. YOU WILL BREAK THE PEOPLE PLEASER HABIT IN YOU.

Yes that's it, it all feels so raw and I feel so sensitive. I'm trying to feel my feelings and not beat myself up for it.

Thank you so much, I really hope I can break it. One thing I'm trying to do is stop reading into people's words/actions and take what they say at face value. If they say I haven't upset them then believe it. I was so used to the passive aggressive mood swings I was always worried.

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SeasonsChange

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Re: 'I feel like I have lost part of me'
« Reply #54 on: August 25, 2016, 06:30:58 AM »
Seasons, another helpful thing to do is keep a journal and write down how you feel every time you have contact with her. You will notice a pattern emerging!

I could never set a boundary with my mother, she would never give me "space". Never respected me in that way. She did not call, but the gifts are a way to control you. She knows you are a nice person and will respond. She is playing you. Like I said, I stopped responding in any way, shape or form. You can't win if you respond.

It makes me nervous that your therapist says she sees "a glimmer of maternal love". I honestly don't think she knows enough about your relationship to say that. Be careful, the mother-daughter relationship is almost taboo to sever in our society, that is why I got so many screwed up therapists.

My very favorite therapist was a man who listened to me speak about my mom and then said, "What a Bitch!!" It was the best! I needed someone being that blunt in order to wake me up. He was from Brooklyn, and he used to swear and it was so refreshing to just have someone throw it in my face. Just my 2 cents, trust your gut!

Noting down all my interactions is such a good idea because it reveals the truth. It's cliche but actions do speak louder than words and the way she acts doesn't match what she says. The gifts thing is a hard one for me because I feel bad mannered if I don't respond. But you are right, that's what she relies on, always has. She doesn't just do it to me, she does it to a lot of people, the price of accepting her gifts is high!

I agree about my therapist. I'm hoping she will listen and adapt to what I tell her. I really did try and think of instances where there maternal love there but I really don't believe there are any. Thank you though, I will be careful. I find it all to easy to be led by people and believe that they are right over me. Especially if they are qualified in that way. But only we know our families as well as we do, it's always good to remember that we need to trust ourselves.

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Sunshine days

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Re: 'I feel like I have lost part of me'
« Reply #55 on: August 25, 2016, 08:19:07 AM »
Good point creative soul she has jumped the gun there by being judgemental so soon, aren't therapists suppose to listen for a while? I really wanted one once over but looking back I wouldn't of been as strong wise and healthy as I am today , sitting in my pain , researching stuff and doing things at my pace where crucial things I needed for myself . A therapist would make me think I was having a co dependant relationship and at the time I couldn't stand anyone controlling me after I broke free.

Seasons change ... You need to journal and identify your feelings , sit with them and love yourself warts and all through this. I think you believe other people more then yourself is because your still needing to nurture your inner child to become a adult, your stunted . Remember we weren't allowed a voice or opinion so we gave our power over so easily, we where conditioned to avoid confrontation because the narc wanted her own way all the time and had temper tantrums because she craved admiration  so we buried ourselves and walked around egg shells to please the  narc. So your learned behaviour is reacting in public and you are easily led. When we come Out of the FOG and get stronger we get rid of the hanger ons and the whole picture becomes clearer. We see red flags and pot holes and boy!!!! are we on the ball. That's when you get to see and accept your narc for who they are , bitter and twisted . Of course you will break it , your doing it right now but every little cycle takes for ever then you work on other cycles and then you grow, you have trust issues and question every thing , try to relax like you are doing and the more you confront it the less you will question your surroundings, you are looking for fault in others like your narc did with you ( projection) . Get rid of the narc flea and find you, I think you are being very honest , bold, courageous, forthright, frank , upfront about how you are feeling, I take my hat of to you, it's not easy , reclaiming what was lost but I believe you are going to do it. Xx
« Last Edit: August 25, 2016, 08:21:44 AM by Sunshine days »

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SeasonsChange

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Re: 'I feel like I have lost part of me'
« Reply #56 on: August 25, 2016, 12:49:37 PM »
I can definitely see that seeing a therapist could feel like a codependent relationship. It does feel good when she empathises with me and I want to try and get away from the need of reassurance.

Thank you Sunshine I am trying to identify my feelings and accept them. I do still feel like I have a lot of growing up to do emotionally, it's hard to break that habit of burying emotions or bad coping mechanisms.

Knowing people are upset with me leaves me feeling anxious and like an itch in my brain I can't reach. I think that's why I seek so much reassurance but in doing so it's a vicious cycle and it's never enough, if that makes sense. That's where looking for numbing comes in. But if like you say, you experience the emotions at the time then it's better in the long run.

Thank you for being so kind, narc fleas are a constant worry for me. Especially when I show any emotion in front of others. I feel like I'm being manipulative somehow. I've been working hard to just say when I'm upset. Even if I say, 'I know I'm over reacting but I'm feeling this, can we talk about it' it's been a rough few weeks but I know it will be worth it.

I want to be a better person and feel worth while. I have such a low opinion on myself I don't know how to fix that but I'm sure time will help.

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Menopause Barbie

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Re: 'I feel like I have lost part of me'
« Reply #57 on: August 25, 2016, 04:39:49 PM »
I just have to say that you sound like a wonderful person to me, SeasonsChange, not because you sound perfect, but because you sound REAL. Authentic. I am so tired of phony people who try to cover their own insecurities and shortcomings by putting other people down. They realize they aren't perfect, and, instead of doing the work to fix themselves, they attack others to bring out their worst and judge them, or  belittle them in their minds or with their mouths. This makes them feel better because life to them is a constant competiton. They want to always be the best, and since that isn't possible, they minimize everyone around them.

You, WE, are heroes, all of us! What we are all trying to do is hard. I am having a hard day today, too. But when I read your thoughts, I think--there is hope. There are good, kind people in this world. You are proof of that! :applause:


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SeasonsChange

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Re: 'I feel like I have lost part of me'
« Reply #58 on: August 25, 2016, 05:29:09 PM »
Coming on here and reading your post Menopause Barbie really made me feel good today thank you. You are kind. I was really beating myself up about whether I'm like my mother today and I realised that maybe in some ways I might be, but that doesn't mean I can't change. The first step is being aware isn't it? Oh and having the desire to change. But saying I sound real is a real compliment because that's what I want to be from now on. Being true to my heart and feelings and that way if someone is upset by what I say, at least I know I've been genuine and if they value our relationship we can work through it. Of course, narcs wouldn't want to do that. Doesn't mean WE aren't worth it, it just means they aren't.

I have kept myself as the victim for far too long. Longing for acceptance, sympathy, recognition of my pain but I'm trying to take charge and responsibility for my happiness. It's not easy to deal with this stuff and you're doing great, every hard day you get through is another day closer to a richer and happier life. Just remember it will be worth it. There are good people out there, it feels like a lot of them are on here. I'd like to make some good friends in real life, I've isolated myself for a long time out of fear. I want to live now and help make the world a better place. (Eek, that sounds so cheesy!)

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Reda

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Re: 'I feel like I have lost part of me'
« Reply #59 on: August 25, 2016, 06:41:58 PM »
SeasonsChange,I think you could benefit from reading the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.

The book does a really great job of explaining the different types of emotionally immature parents, and then describing how children search for ways to get their emotional needs met with these emotionally absent parents.  And once they stumble onto an approach that works, we go back to it over and over, reinforcing it - sometimes into adult hood.  And sometimes into all our relationships, not just that with an emotional immature parent.  It also gives what I think are really good tips about forging a new kind of relationship that keeps you from getting caught up in your parent's emotional immaturity.

It has opened my eyes to things I've never realized about myself (my dad may not have been a PD, but it's pretty clear to me now that he was an emotionally immature "rejecting parent").  And I have a bit more sympathy for my husband who just cant seem to break free of the martyr/doormat role (as the son of an emotionally immature N).
« Last Edit: August 25, 2016, 06:47:47 PM by Reda »
Don't feed the Narcissist