And the cycle repeats...

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Re: And the cycle repeats...
« Reply #20 on: September 26, 2016, 10:01:42 PM »
Here's my thoughts Wookie Punch. I feel like you and I are in very similar places with NC and remaining flying monkey. Not to get all bible on you, but for years I've meditated on the scripture about pulling a splinter out of someone's eye when you have a plank in your own. Your brother has a big plank in his eye, and you are more healthy then he is. He is jabbing at your eyes, trying to cure what he cannot see. 

The painful thing, that I have found, is that I can see my faults, but I have humbled myself and received a lot of counseling. I still see my family through splintered eyes and that hurts. I'm constantly reminded of my failings, and due to my own blindness, they get amplified and distorted into shame and self-hatred. When I look and interact with my remaining flying monkey, I see myself (she is my sister after all), but it's as if I'm looking into a fun house mirror. She is so warped, like your brother.

I want to fix her, but I have to remind myself how much repentance, confession, humbling, and loving it took to find the healing I've found and the strength to say "enough." Your brother sounds insightful, enmeshed, and quite frankly hurt (not by you, though he's blaming you, but by his fractured family that he has been made to feel responsible for - probably by whatever number your mother has (is) done (doing) on him.)

So here are more specifics about how I read his letter. I haven't opened up the conversation even with my one flying monkey, because I know this is what is going to get vomited out. I applaud your bravery and kindness to him (just so long as you extend it to yourself as well). With that said, his comments to you were laced with guilt and just plain mean.

Here are my thoughts;

Letter starts with a dig:

So I waited until the very end of my baby bonding time to deal with responding to your letter because I didn't feel that it deserved my full attention until now.

A little dramatic:

and yet you still decided to rip my attention away from WIFE and BABY to deal with this mess.

An apology/nonapology:

On to the NBRO gift and the comment I made. When I asked you if you wanted to go in on the board for NBRO, your response was a rapid and abrupt "NO" followed immediately by me saying "There's the DW coming out in you". I guess I meant it more as an unforgiving and unrelenting action that I associate with DW. Was that OK? No. I am sorry I said it and the way it made you feel. It has become the unexpected catalyst to a lot more that I have been bothered by for quite some time though.

Turning the tables:

To pretend that everything is fine is absurd to me (isn't that what he was doing when he asked you to go in on a gift?)


I have watched you slowly become a colder and more callous person and haven't really known how to approach it.

Speaking for people other than himself (flying monkey):

You haven't talked to mom in over three years, NBRO maybe 18 months or so, and the rest of the family who knows. (The great "we" against "thee.")

A recovering flying monkey (I hand it to him - it sucks being that person, but - not you're problem):

The idea of me being the only "WOOKIE and company" pipeline is exhausting and I'm tired of doing it. I know you never asked me to be that person but when our entire family knows that I'm the last person who hasn't pissed you off and is still talking to you I became that person. So every time I would tell you that EXTENDED FAMILY, and all the rest would tell me to tell you that they Love You and or Miss You and to tell you guys they say hi and your consistent response was "pfft, where's the call and/or letters? whatever." It made me loathe being the messenger to you. I'm still not clear on what you expected or still expect from our extended family but from here on in you should just reach out yourself. You made it clear to me that mom was not to have your number and address. I have not shared that info to anyone since they all would have given it to mom no problem, myself being a good brother to you and honoring your wishes (are you obliged somehow? Not really. This is a bit of a guilt trip for something basic really.)

Enmeshment (not his problem):

I guess hearing DW proclaim how much she hates our mom and brother have finally caught up to me.

Can't seperate himself out (his problem, not yours, but honest.  BTW, not cruel):

While I'm on the subject of your move, you deciding not to tell anyone when you were leaving was a cruel thing to do. By you choosing to do that and me knowing the date I had to constantly lie everyone on your behalf, another position you put me in that I hated being in.

PTSD symptom (in my opinion):

You constantly rehash old instances and are pretty clear that things will never get better between you two.

What a saint (wish I could walk on water too - not):

 haven't forgotten anything that has transpired between him and I, I just choose to move forward and keep him in my life because he's my brother and I love him.

Nope. Only if you call enmeshment and disassociated as thin skinned (also minimizing PD. He's not just a failed person, he's abusive):

Maybe I have thicker skin than you so that's why I didn't think of it as that bad?

minimizing/reframing in the most negative possible way (brutal). Lot's of passive aggression:

I guess it was a small attempt to move forward that just isn't going to happen.

He knows what you need better than you do, right? Only you can determine what you need. Not his problem:

13 hours from any and all family seems like a pretty good distance but it feels like you wish you could have more.

Just open belitting, minimizing, and demeaning. I think this has been festering for a long time:

You telling me that you and DW had severe stomach aches because you thought mom was going to show up on your last visit was pretty ridiculous. While I loved seeing you guys, lying to the entire family AGAIN regarding me seeing you sucked. And you thinking I would blindside you with mom shows how much you guys trust me.

Do you feel like a complete reject, broken looser (I think that's the point here):

I put in what they do, and I always will. Maybe you have been burned too many times by too many people to recover and keep anyone close, maybe I have finally made this list? (the rest of the paragraph is agonizing. How sanctimonious and side-choosing. Absolutely not a peace-maker, defintely invested in one side and it isn't yours. Your "constant rehashing" has been your confiding in him and not only did he withhold how he felt and pretended to support you, he harbored resentment. Toxic. He is really working to make you feel like a bitter, lonely unforgiving scrooge. Don't believe it.)

FYI, he HAS banished you emotionally. He is being a real hypocrite here:

I forgive people but I don't forget things they have done, this doesn't mean that they are banished out of my life.

This is pure bait. I cannot tell you how many people have used my Christian values to try to manipulate me in my family siting the scripture "love doesn't keep a record of wrongs." In fact, that was one of my book titles I thought about working with - A Record of Wrongs. What? Are we in Jonestown?:

I have made the list finally (pure guilt trip).


I Love you guys and wish you all the best, Take care.

PS: Brava for standing by your wife.
« Last Edit: September 26, 2016, 10:13:42 PM by Artsy »
"I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone." Robin Williams.



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Re: And the cycle repeats...
« Reply #21 on: September 27, 2016, 03:28:49 AM »
Artsy- i am impressed you took the time to weed through that pile of garbage. It means a lot to me you took the time, and i am so grateful. My wife and I teared up a bit. It feels like everyone hates us.

Thanks for the insight. It took me a few days to calm down. I am a Christian too. I know i am doing the right thing, it is just so painful.



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Re: And the cycle repeats...
« Reply #22 on: September 27, 2016, 03:33:29 AM »
He was the last connection and its gone now.

At least its over.



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Re: And the cycle repeats...
« Reply #23 on: September 27, 2016, 12:09:07 PM »
I'm glad it helped. Isn't it telling that just being listened to can mean so much?

You and wife can repay the favor next time I get a letter like yours. I swear I felt like I was reading something one of my own family members wrote.

Going NC has been one of the most painful things I've ever gone through, and yet, like you, I know it's right. I just read last night about an "attachment center of our brain" that sends distress signals throughout the body when important bonds are broken. That's nothing to sneeze at. The distress is real.

My only regret is tolerating what I did when my kids were little. Going NC is harder to explain to grown men who've known you to be "part of the family" till now. However, my oldest (24) has always told me he thought it was obvious that I went through something horrible as a child. Wish I had NC'd when I was we were a young family.

The good news is that if your last connection is gone, so is the hoovering and that pull is incredible. You and your wives strength is commendable. My flying monkey doesn't know that she's gone yet, and I don't intend on explaining it unless she really pushes me. She has really betrayed me in so many ways. My holding on to her is madness.

Enjoy your family. You guys are breaking a chain that probably goes back generations. Not easy!
"I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone." Robin Williams.