No family, how do you deal with loneliness

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Rosemarie

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No family, how do you deal with loneliness
« on: September 05, 2016, 02:09:06 AM »
Hello all,
I have a family full of PD's and I left my partner who was NPD last year. I have gone NC with my ex and my family. I know this is good for me in many ways, but I also feel this incredible loneliness. I have a few friends, but none close by and they have their own families and our friendship is not always a top priority. I interact with people through my work, and I find a need to be cautious with who I share much about my personal self, as I have had people go away and/or blame/reject me. I want to focus on a future, but since my dreams were shattered when I left my home and the town I had been living in, recrafting a life feels empty and shallow right now. I had always had hope, but now I feel discouraged and tired. I long for connection, but at the same time don't trust myself to have healthy relationships and I see others as not trust worthy. I do want this to change, and am working on this, through therapy, body work, support group and 12 step meetings. I think about all that I am trying, why I don't get relief...why things seem to feel worse than ever. Any input, thoughts etc would be appreciated.
"Communication is to relationship what breathing is to life."  Virginia Satir

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Sunshine days

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Re: No family, how do you deal with loneliness
« Reply #1 on: September 05, 2016, 05:51:47 AM »
Hi Rosemarie, Theres no quick fix to any of this, the emptiness is the last present a npd person can leave you with . It's a empty black hole that needs to be filled in with love validation and approval of yourself to let this go and move on. It takes time and all I can say is being patient with yourself, you are doing everything you can to fill the black hole in. It's a grieving process once we find out our sense of self, hang in there . X

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SquarePegs80

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Re: No family, how do you deal with loneliness
« Reply #2 on: September 05, 2016, 01:26:32 PM »
Hang in there and be kind to yourself. One day at a time.  :hug:
Discover yourself like a Lotus flower in full bloom even in a muddy pond. Beautiful and Strong!

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Rosemarie

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Re: No family, how do you deal with loneliness
« Reply #3 on: September 05, 2016, 08:45:03 PM »
Thank you for the encouragement!

"emptiness is the last present a npd person can leave you with"

This is how I feel, empty. It does feel like it was left behind. I have never felt this type of emptiness before and the depression that goes with it is debilitating. I am trying to just be with it and allow myself to feel it. But wow this is hard.

 
"Communication is to relationship what breathing is to life."  Virginia Satir

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Salsera

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Re: No family, how do you deal with loneliness
« Reply #4 on: September 05, 2016, 10:54:28 PM »
Try to think about the loneliness, or emptiness, like this - you were always lonely and empty because these N people were never really there for you. Now that they are out of your life, you have cleared away space to let good people in. You cleaned out the garbage, got rid of it, and can start cleanly to meet new people and build a better life. It will come, with time.
"Faith is taking the first step even when you donít see the whole staircase." - Martin Luther King, Jr.
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

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Sunshine days

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Re: No family, how do you deal with loneliness
« Reply #5 on: September 06, 2016, 04:58:59 PM »
Rosemarie, it is painfully hard but it can be done , bit by bit,  i  allowed myself to feel it , cried it out , got in touch with it and claimed it and got stronger. I didn't want to become harder ( stronger) but I knew it was my only way and I am much better for it. I didnt know there where people like this in life, I now put myself first and so should you and I am working towards my interests only and I am healing . The emptiness in the beginning was like a black hole it was awful , it's a emotional void so now you need to get the emotions back in you but get healthy with them. In the beginning for me I had intense forms do sadness anger and even rage, I had never felt these emotions in my entire life because I put my needs to one side to serve a narc. I am happy they are regulated now, you can do it to. Stick around rosemarie xx

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SpringLight

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Re: No family, how do you deal with loneliness
« Reply #6 on: September 06, 2016, 07:53:48 PM »
Hello, Rosemarie:

First and foremost...please know you have my deepest EMPATHY.  Big hug for you. :hug:

This year I, too, have been feeling significant loneliness.  However, I am still enmeshed with my PD FOO.  :sad2: With no likelihood of big changes in the immediate future, for a variety of complicated circumstances. Have I made progress in dealing with the FOO? Some, but not as much as I would like.  SIGH.

This may be hard for you to believe this, but... I have a bit of envy for your "freedom." :-\

Just one of my NC stories from the past...It's been many years since I went NC with my husband. Although I initiated the separation, it really felt as though I was the one who truly suffered.  I was DEEPLY depressed after that break-up; I needed a lot of therapy and meds.  Both were very helpful, I should add. 

I remember thinking during that first tough year: "This is so hard! Will I EVER get over this?"  Even though I was certain this was the right thing to do, leaving the abusive, controlling BPD...I missed the good aspects of our relationship.  Intellectually, I NEVER doubted that the need for the final split. But, I just didn't realize that going NC would leave me feeling  vulnerable, sad, confused, depressed. 

I had to allow myself to mourn the loss of the good things. Perhaps when you go NC with someone with whom you were close, a part of you has to "die." It felt that way for me.

Feeling better for me didn't happen overnight. The first year was extremely difficult.

YOU WROTE:
"I find a need to be cautious with who I share much about my personal self, as I have had people go away and/or blame/reject me..." Me, too. 

But perhaps, we need to add "for now."  For now, you (and I) feel a need to be cautious. But that doesn't mean you or I will feel this way forever and with all people.   Of that I am sure.









« Last Edit: September 06, 2016, 07:57:21 PM by SpringLight »

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Thorman

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Re: No family, how do you deal with loneliness
« Reply #7 on: September 07, 2016, 01:01:39 AM »
Get as many phone numbers as you can from your 12 step meetings. Keep going to those meetings...the Alanon meetings are good. Reach out and make friends there....pretty soon you won't be lonely...you'll always have someone to talk to. Get sponsored or find a sponsor and work through the 12 steps. That can be a great resource. Use it....

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NewME2016

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Re: No family, how do you deal with loneliness
« Reply #8 on: September 07, 2016, 08:56:49 AM »
Congratulations on going NC & getting this far!
PD all through my FOO but have gone VLC with enabling father & NC with siblings and very very very low contact with extended family.

I also feel a deep loneliness. Therapy and anti depressants are helping me not get lost in the emotions... before that I was ready to walk away from my life. Since taking the antidepressants I have been making an effort to be busy and do small things for myself. A 15 minute walk in the sunshine. A good book or pod cast, joined a book group and have started looking into mindfulness/meditation. Another thing I have embraced is art galleries, public transport, parks and libraries - you can be in those spaces and not have to talk to anyone but you are not alone.

At the moment I am MC with everyone else in my life as it seems like I have PD everywhere and it is freaking me out... so I keep busy and have pleasant surface conversations with people. I have not been revealing anything about myself with people... it is surprisingly easy to just listen to people (a major positive from this experience). It wont be forever but self protection and self love is what I need right now. I have also applied to volunteer with a cause that is close to my heart - this will put me in contact with people and give me a sense of achievement so I don't get lost in untangling the PD mess that has been my life.

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VitaminT

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Re: No family, how do you deal with loneliness
« Reply #9 on: September 07, 2016, 11:54:01 AM »
Sending you my empathy as well. I know how lonely we can feel at the loss of our FOO. My faith community has been there for me the last few years and many people in it play the role of parents and siblings in my life.

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SpringLight

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Keep smiling...no, really!
« Reply #10 on: September 07, 2016, 02:50:33 PM »

I also feel a deep loneliness. Therapy and anti depressants are helping me not get lost in the emotions... before that I was ready to walk away from my life. Since taking the antidepressants I have been making an effort to be busy and do small things for myself. A 15 minute walk in the sunshine. A good book or pod cast, joined a book group and have started looking into mindfulness/meditation. Another thing I have embraced is art galleries, public transport, parks and libraries - you can be in those spaces and not have to talk to anyone but you are not alone.

At the moment I am MC with everyone else in my life as it seems like I have PD everywhere and it is freaking me out... so I keep busy and have pleasant surface conversations with people. I have not been revealing anything about myself with people... it is surprisingly easy to just listen to people (a major positive from this experience). It wont be forever but self protection and self love is what I need right now. I have also applied to volunteer with a cause that is close to my heart - this will put me in contact with people and give me a sense of achievement so I don't get lost in untangling the PD mess that has been my life.

I second all of these suggestions. Don't underestimate the value of those "pleasant surface conversations." They have a way of restoring one's faith in humanity.  Especially when all you have are PD's of one sort or another.

I've made one semi-firm resolution for myself: no matter how miserable my FOO is making me feel, I will make a deliberate attempt to put a warm, open expression on my face-- in public. 

I have seen my resting face expression reflected back in a mirror when I am in the midst of PD angst. It is a face that says "stay away from me. I hate PD's and possibly all humanity right now."

Sounds so trite to say this, but putting on an authentic smile can change your day.  It helps--even on your worst day, even while you are in the midst of dealing with PD trauma and despair.

Just a few days ago, I had the most wonderful conversation with a total stranger.  Which came about by making eye contact with a smile, which led to her smile, which led to  a comment, which led to a delightful conversation which lasted about a half an hour. 

People like that make me realize that although I have historically attracted PD's...there are and will be others who enjoy my company, who will like me, and will not exploit my kindness and caring for their selfish/pathological needs. 

Those encounters help me realize I'm not DESTINED to being a doormat/scapegoat and magnet for PD people.

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Lamplite

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Re: No family, how do you deal with loneliness
« Reply #11 on: September 07, 2016, 03:20:02 PM »
Hi Rosemarie

thanks for your post. It really articulated what I sometimes feel and struggle with. My life is much better since I came OOTF but that emptiness, as if you are just floating through space entirely alone and unconnected with anyone, was one of the worst of the phases I had to get through. It's a hard place to be, but thank God (and I don't mean that blasphemously) we do get through it. You have taken the right step in getting the PDs out of your life and it is going to take time to find out how else to be, how to relate to others, how to build a new, fulfilling life that meets your own needs.

I am a single parent, so I have the comfort and day-to-day company of my young daughter but I have not dated since I split up with her dad 7 years ago. At some point, I'd like to date again precisely because like you, I want a new circle, a new life full of people and someone special. In preparation, I have been reading Natalie Lue's 'Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl' which was recommended by someone on this forum, though I cant remember who. This, and her website 'Baggage Reclaim' has advice about breaking the patterns that lead us into destructive and dysfunctional relationships - primarily romantic ones, but it holds true for platonic relationships as well. You might find these of use moving forward.

Not sure I can say much more, except that you are doing great  :applause: and you are well on the way to a better place, with better people. Sending you  :bighug:




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SaltwareS

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Re: No family, how do you deal with loneliness
« Reply #12 on: September 09, 2016, 11:33:12 PM »
Thank you for the encouragement!

"emptiness is the last present a npd person can leave you with"

This is how I feel, empty. It does feel like it was left behind. I have never felt this type of emptiness before and the depression that goes with it is debilitating. I am trying to just be with it and allow myself to feel it. But wow this is hard.

Hi I just want to acknowledge that going NC as a single person is much different than going NC if you are married or divorced with kids. So it's not just you.

One thing that helped me was to say I was NC with family "for now" because I started to get that strange empty feeling that I had no connections remaining on this earth.

Over time in all the 12 step meetings I went to and online forums I figured a few things out that helped me get a "handle" on why these PD types do what they do. I eventually reconnected with the parents but it was a much more sober connection than at other times. I know that some stuff is not about me. And I can say little things (through my research) to get them to behave when they get out of control.

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SquarePegs80

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Re: No family, how do you deal with loneliness
« Reply #13 on: September 10, 2016, 11:28:42 AM »
Try to think about the loneliness, or emptiness, like this - you were always lonely and empty because these N people were never really there for you. Now that they are out of your life, you have cleared away space to let good people in. You cleaned out the garbage, got rid of it, and can start cleanly to meet new people and build a better life. It will come, with time.

 :yeahthat:
Discover yourself like a Lotus flower in full bloom even in a muddy pond. Beautiful and Strong!

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accidental sister

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Re: No family, how do you deal with loneliness
« Reply #14 on: September 22, 2016, 11:22:54 AM »
Hi Rosemarie,

I know the feeling you are talking about and I am going through this right now. It is a process - having experienced the death of people close to me in the past, it seems that this is similar to that.

I have just gone NC with the last uNPD sibling that I thought I had a healthy relationship with. I was in denial my whole life. The anger came when I tried to use JADE to counter my sister's cruel and unfair accusations about me to others. I cut her so much slack - "if I do this and this and this, she will see me and love me for it"- I guess that was like the bargaining - depression - oh yeah - and finally have reached acceptance - they will never change. They are addicted to their behavior, I will draw boundaries for myself.

I know what you mean about trusting people. I am having a hard time leaving my house, literally. I also volunteered this year. I had thought that volunteering would be a good laboratory for me to test the waters with people and that's what happened. The older and wiser me was able to see red flags in some people's behavior and it was great because I knew my time there would be quickly coming to an end. That's about where it's at.

It's going to take time. I go to therapy, come here, take anti-depressants and read, read, read about NPD and PDs. One book that I found extremely helpful is called "The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists" by Eleanor Payson. I find that opening a book and having the words describe my PD FOO perfectly is very validating.

I also can't agree with Salsera enough: we spent our whole lives thinking we had something that was never there. So NC is ultimately a good thing, right? We are reclaiming all the energy we gave them for ourselves, and when we are ready we will take it with us, for us  into the rest of our lives :bighug:

I wish you the best. It will pass, I truly believe that!     

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Sunshine days

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Re: No family, how do you deal with loneliness
« Reply #15 on: September 24, 2016, 01:40:59 PM »
Accidental sister, I don't think they are addicted to their behaviour... Pd have a personality disorder and they can't reflect and have no self awareness they can only deflect , that's my understanding of it anyway. I found reading to much about narcs was getting me down and so I concentrated on my healing . I know what you mean it empowers us makes us grow and helps us then have trusted time out , until we need to read up about it again to keep us on the ball. Your sister sees u as a object , I only do real relationships . Good luck