Rant. Lot's of hyphenated F-bombs.

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Artsy

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Rant. Lot's of hyphenated F-bombs.
« on: September 07, 2016, 01:59:27 AM »
Oh my gosh I need to vent.

So the backstory: NPD oldest sister (POA), feeble dementia ridden past PD parents, flying PD monkey's galore. Put me in a position to do all the caretaking, while giving me no power to influence level of care, or anything that might make the burden better for me, had to walk away and let the whole thing drop (medically), continuing to shower my NPD (now Alzheimer's shell) weekly. Things blow up (and I'm not kidding here) with a NPD boss and my life blows up, take 4 months off the showering, reduce visits to monthly/bimonthly while I get my PTSD symptoms under control and find another job. In that four months time my NPD sister starts saying I "dropped the ball" and begins operation exclude artsy from all decisions. Learn from a stranger my parents are being moved out of state, hire a lawyer and raise hell and win the battle if not the war. I go NC (save for some LC for the purposes of discussing our parents.) I say only contact me by text, due to nasty mimes, contacting my children, etc... etc... you all know the drill. three of my sibs (two absolutely under the sway of my oldest NPD) say FU and refuse to call my text and refuse to include me in any discussions about my parents.

A litter further down the road: get in therapy, get a new wonderful job, get my PTSD symptoms under control. Getting the cold shoulder/silent treatment aside from some hoovering and accusations by flying monkeys, but my iron clad NC/LC has reduced the attacks. I'm pis----ed to see the strategy is to use my husband's email to get messages to me, while refusing the use the mode of communication I gave (pure flipping power trip, letting me know that I don't get the call the shots even when it comes to how I'm contacted.) and to continue to send antagonizing messages suggesting if me and my husband don't get in line and act like nothing has happened I will be alienated from my parents, etc... (this was why stopping the move out of state was a huge victory as their proximity to me is the only power I have over my continued ability to see them uninterrupted.)

NOW RANT: Another email (sent to my husband - keep in mind he's never received emails till I set the boundary of my text phone.) This way they can dishonor my request and still communicate with me, you see. The email lets us know that my parents are being moved to a cheaper apartment within their current facility. Okay, what the F are they being moved for? Because my NPD sister is controlling their money so neurotically that she keeps reducing their quality of life. This was why she wanted me doing all the caretaking, and forced me to walk away before she began to PAY for the care they needed WITH THEIR OWN MONEY! They have plenty of money and resources. One of the reasons I've been smeared and attacked so badly is that I confronted her on spending their money extravagantly on siblings and then dramatizing how "broke" they are (hence the lawyer). ANYWAAAAAAYYYY, Now there is going to be this big get-together to "move them" (she informed us that my severely NPD brother will be "in charge of the move" something that resulted in him getting violent with my father and trying to steal their things the first time.) I'm not too worried with this move (in that regard) because their will be eyes and ears as he will be moving them from one apartment in the facility to another. Plus, they already picked my parents clean with the first move. ANYWAAAAYYYY, my husband and I are being informed because THEY NEED SOMEONE TO DO ALL THE WORK!!!!! How brazen is that????????

My husband and I are the original boy scout and girl scout and it's hard not to help when asked, but I told my husband we needed to stay the course here. The truth is, I am not at all confident (based on passed lies) that my parents need to be moved out of an apartment they felt very lucky to get (corner, windows on all side, etc...) Plus, it took so much time and suffering for them to acclimate to said apartment.

My husband and I, after some heated conversations, have decided to ignore the drive-by request (that was made to all the locals (a niece and nephew were also included because they live here.) My niece and nephew are constantly setting boundaries with my narcopath sister (between oldest NPD sis and NPD bro in birth order) so they will not help. The email was to hook me and my hubby, I promise you.

My husband and son's did all the heavy lifting on the first move and my NPD sister kept treating us all like her employees. My NPD brother told my husband he was a "computer guy" so he didn't need to lift anything, he was the one "in charge" (meaning he orders around the 'help'). I told my husband that until my sister explains to me the inconsistencies in her reports about their money and that I am assured they are truly "broke" (which I know they are not), we are not helping move them (even down the hall) as it is likely unnecessary, insensitive, demeaning, and for self aggrandizing reasons. It will only stress and confuse two already disabled individuals.

I get that our parents abused us. I get that the family dismisses mistreatment of these two with past abuse. I also get that I am absolutely being driven by the urge to rescue them, which is not my job. I have been sucked into the role of rescuing these two my whole life and that's why I walked away the first time. I cannot let old people or children be used like pawns to set me up and abuse me any more. WITH THAT SAID: how sick is it that these people I can no longer regard as "family" are using two truly vulnerable elderly people to use, control, and hurt me and mine?

ALSO! Let's not forget that they will use the move to F with me, probably show up on my doorstep, harass, stalk, harang, and suck me into whatever web they've set up for me. My only defense has been to avoid them because there is absolutely no winning. I either do all the work and let my life fall apart, or I am excluded from all common courtesies. I also realize that I need to step out of the drama by accepting these are the monsters MY PARENTS made, and, oh by the way, this is the POA that MY PARENTS chose. I should have taken the POA when I was asked, but I figured it would be worse for me if I took it - NOT SO MUCH!

Anyway, I will never find out the dates of this move. Although, we suspect my brother will hit my husband up harder for help. My husband has already decided to let him know it's inappropriate to ask him as they are clearly messing with me and I told him to go ahead and throw in their that I think my oldest sister is misrepresenting money, so I certainly won't help till I see the numbers myself. I will also require some inclusion in these decisions, even if it's just a heads up (WHEN THEY ARE THINKING ABOUT IT NOT AFTER THE PLANS HAVE BEEN MADE.)

Okay, all those capitals are high pitched for those who read this far (and I don't blame a soul for tapping out mid way). I just needed to get it all out there. It is like dealing with slimy used car salesman who have started a second career in American politics. GOOD GRIEF!!!
:stars:

Feeling better and thank you ahead of time for the support I know I will get on this web side whether people respond or not
"I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone." Robin Williams.

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Summer Sun

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Re: Rant. Lot's of hyphenated F-bombs.
« Reply #1 on: September 07, 2016, 02:00:40 PM »
Artsy, this is a complete surprise (not!)  Treating you like #%, not respecting boundaries, taking advantage, S/T, judgements.... And by the way, you can be useful now (read be used).  Yes, let's just reward abuse and invite more. 

I would plan on being out of town for a previous planned commitment if you can determine the move date. 

I'm sorry for all you have been through and for the ongoing frustration of navigating through the challenges of aging parental needs and care with additional appendage of PD FOO.  My own journey almost put me in the grave with them.  Please protect yourself as best you can.

Summer Sun
"The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference" - Elie Wiesel

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Lamplite

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Re: Rant. Lot's of hyphenated F-bombs.
« Reply #2 on: September 07, 2016, 03:26:29 PM »
 Hi Artsy

Wow. You really are living in PD Central. I find it hard enough having to contend with two PDs, but you've got them on all sides.

Reading your post, I am so glad you are able to vent - you really do need to sometimes. Also, I so admire your sticking to your own values by trying to make your parents' last years as comfortable as possible, even if they dont necessarily deserve. I am pleased you have your husband and your chosen family to support you - I  think it would be so much worse without them.

No words of wisdom to offer I'm afraid. Just to say, hang in there and good on you.  :bighug:

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Joan

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Re: Rant. Lot's of hyphenated F-bombs.
« Reply #3 on: September 07, 2016, 08:12:04 PM »
Artsy, Im so so sorry you are going through this!

I have seen this happen in my family too and its terrible! I have no advice to offer, Im VLC/ NC with my uPD relatives.

Wish you strenght!!!

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Artsy

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Re: Rant. Lot's of hyphenated F-bombs.
« Reply #4 on: September 08, 2016, 01:07:27 PM »
Thank you all for your replies. If the pain of it wasn't enough, I'm constantly in shock at behaviors that have been going on my whole life. I need an incredulous pill that helps me realize this is the norm and my outrage and shock is what is odd here.

Thanks again. Just being heard in a world where you seem to be invisible is helpful beyond words.
:grouphug:
"I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone." Robin Williams.

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bopper

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Re: Rant. Lot's of hyphenated F-bombs.
« Reply #5 on: September 08, 2016, 01:13:39 PM »
So the NPD Golden Child is taking care of the PD parents while you are handily manipulated out of the scene?

Sounds like the PDers get what they always have trained your sister for (for good or bad) and you can get off scott free!
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.

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all4peace

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Re: Rant. Lot's of hyphenated F-bombs.
« Reply #6 on: September 09, 2016, 12:26:34 PM »
Super lousy. I say let the GC who have taken over, continue to take over. Be completely inaccessible. They are spitting in your face, with the way they only contact you through your H. Do NOT feel anything but outrage over them now trying to suck you in to do the dirty work.

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Artsy

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Re: Rant. Lot's of hyphenated F-bombs.
« Reply #7 on: September 12, 2016, 12:03:09 PM »
Thanks Booper and All4peace!

Booper: so few words and yet what a point. Made me laugh out loud and think about the situation in a whole new light. Why not see the bright side. "scott free" is one way of looking at it. :groovey:

Al4peace: Thank you! It seems small, but permission to be angry is exactly what I need to keep giving myself. Exactly what I need to hear.
"I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone." Robin Williams.