is it really for me? or will their well wishes bite me later?

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Viola Violet

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is it really for me? or will their well wishes bite me later?
« on: September 07, 2016, 03:11:34 AM »
I sometimes feel like I'm insane.  I'm just SO paranoid now.  I had a milestone birthday yesterday.  Turned 40.  I've had some very heated talks with my mum this year.  Getting it all out like people here in this forum talk about.  Hurtful yet honest.  I then took some me time to focus on the day to day. Sorted my diet, been organizing my house (usually I would be helping mum and my stuff came last).  And spent time with my children helping with school work and doing fun stuff together.  It's been nice.  But.. . .
For my birthday my mum has in my eyes gone overboard.  She hasn't said anything about our last blow up about ten weeks ago.  Now I get taken to the movies and dinner and given cash for my holiday.  It's like she's trying too hard.  I can't figure out what she expects in return.  In the past she's nice before she asks me to do something.  I don't know what that is yet and I'm hella nervous.  Do I not accept her cash gift?  Or hold on to it and give it back when she pulls out the obligation which could be anytime in the next year?  I just don't know.  AND I got a happy birthday text message from my sister that I'm no contact with for 7years.  I didn't even know she had my number. Did my mum give it to her?. She used to try to get us to talk a few years back.  I'm so suspicious and it's really making it hard to enjoy my birthday.  How do you stop yourself going crazy thinking of all the whys and what ifs?  Do they actually care about me this time? Or is it still all about them?
Hurt people, hurt people.

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Quizzical

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Re: is it really for me? or will their well wishes bite me later?
« Reply #1 on: September 07, 2016, 06:17:47 PM »
Happy Birthday Viola!!  No, you are not paranoid or insane.  In the past gifts have come with strings attached so it is understandable that you suspect this time will not be any different.    Just stick to your boundaries and remember that you do not owe either of them anything in return for gifts or birthday wishes.   Sorry that it took the focus off of your special birthday.   

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VividImagination

  • Fear is not real; it is a product of the thoughts you create. Danger is very real, but fear is a choice. - After Earth
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Re: is it really for me? or will their well wishes bite me later?
« Reply #2 on: September 07, 2016, 10:09:35 PM »
Think of it like a prepaid funeral plan. My NM would make "deposits" by doing nice things for me or giving me gifts. This was the warming up period to me being required to do something over the top ridiculous for her.

True gifts have no strings attached. Accept or decline, but when you are met with screams of "But I did X for your birthday!" reply with, "Yes, that was very generous. If I'd known that was some kind of unwritten contract where I'd be required to X in repayment I would have declined. Next time I'll need terms like that in writing, please, so I know what I'm agreeing to."

Over the top sarcastic, yes, but that was actually something that would have gotten my NM to rethink her manipulation tactics next time.

And I know all about having to put your own family last to please your unpleasable parent. Don't. It's not worth it.
There are three solutions to every problem: accept it, change it, or leave it. If you cannot accept it, change it. I f you cannot change it, leave it.

Sometimes you're damned if you don't and damned if you do, so damn well do what's best for you.

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Viola Violet

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Re: is it really for me? or will their well wishes bite me later?
« Reply #3 on: September 08, 2016, 10:36:29 AM »
"next time I'll ask for terms in writting" part is legendary!

I was thinking something along those lines.  Like 'you said it was a gift not an I.O.U'.  I just have to remember it at the right time.  I often miss the wind up and find myself in the thick of it feeling guilty for not wanting to do what she wants.

I did have a great day though.  I just have to keep working on not making mum's feelings the top priority.  Planning for the trip is keeping my mind distracted from dwelling too much. So that's good :)
Hurt people, hurt people.