Hi everyone.
I am in serious need to help. I am in a gay relationship and my partner suffers from severe retroactive jealousy and the relationship has become somewhat abusive.
As per my recommendation, because I suffer from clinical depression, I recommended he see a psychologist to identify the problem and find solutions. Though some of her advice seemed ok (breaking up and taking a break - two things I'm trying to avoid) other parts seemed ridiculous (he sleep with other people, and we have a threesome together). We decided to maybe try our own action but things have spiraled and we've reached a deadlock position now. It's come to the point where he is considering a beak up because he is in CONSTANT pain about my past. He describes 'movies of images' about me in compromising situations with my ex boyfriends which drive him crazy. Many times now, he just bursts into tears. While upset, he often says things which really hurt me. AS an example, I've been told I disgust him before and that I shouldn't have been 'whoring' myself out. (for clarification I have only dated 3 people).
The nature of my past relationships is highly negative and is where my depression stems from. I was manipulated, used, broken, and then left. I reached a point where I swore I would be alone forever because I was not willing to put myself in the position again. My first ex, who took my virginity, broke me. Stupidly, and out of desperation, I had a one-night stand to try and overcome the pain. Obviously that only worsened the situation and I landed up medicated, and seeing a psychologist. Depression runs genetically through my family and this triggered mine in my late teenage years. Jump forward a few years and my best friend introduced me to a guy who was 'perfect.' Lonely, and desperate I fell for his crap. We were together for little more than a week and slept together once. I realized what he was all about and ended it immediately.
It was at this point that my current boyfriend came into my life. A bit of history: we went to the same university and I would often see him but could never pluck up the courage to say hi. He had, at that point, not accepted himself and was dating a girl. I later found out they never slept together but did 'other stuff.' I have not asked what that entailed. Unfortunately though, because this guy is the guy of my dreams and I have little self confidence, I made some errors early on in our relationship. I tried to be over confident to hide my insecurities but also protected myself by not committing completely in the beginning. Just to put things straight, I never cheated on him but I had a dating app on my phone. I was never messaging anyone or anything like that. Anyway, as it turns out, I am the guy of his dreams also. But he has an EXTREME problem with my past and I don't know how to overcome this. I am DESPERATE for help.
It's reached the point where I no longer know what to say. I have never defended myself and always taken responsibility for my past mistakes. However, now when I apologize or say I wish I could relive and do things right, he says no I don't because "I was just horny and I wanted them and I got them." What do you even reply to that? He also says things like I was "whoring myself out" and that "I just couldn't wait to drop my underwear." These things obviously really hurt me because I have a lot of pain myself about my own past.
Anyway. It's reached the point where he broke up with me because "I deserve to be happy and he is constantly bringing me down. He will forever be unhappy and it's not fair on him." I begged and we are still together. But it's time for action. I have suggested a couples counselling session when I get back (I am currently overseas for work) but he refused because he says it is his problem that he needs to fix. He always says that this relationship has broken him and things like that. There is still so much good and happiness and I don't want to give up. I don't know if I can bring myself to cause my depression would then take over.
I'm very lost at the moment. I need help. How can I beat this retroactive jealousy? Desperately waiting for any replies.