Staying Strong at the Critical Time?

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musttryharder

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Staying Strong at the Critical Time?
« on: April 23, 2019, 08:59:12 PM »
I've been married a long time, and didn't notice my wife was a covert narcissist until doing some research (and getting advice) after things became unpleasant around 18 months ago. I guess I had usually gone along with what she wanted until then - maybe that was the trigger for her to turn up the heat. I've noticed so many red flags - interrupting me, ignoring me, contradicting me, belittling me in front of our friends, criticizing me, telling me I'm too negative, being condescending, threatening divorce and then suicide, crazy-making, neglecting/ complete lack of empathy, trying to use sex as a weapon, hyper defensive to a simple question, making important decisions without me... the list goes on.

It's usually quite subtle, but once you see it you can't unsee it. I'm miserable and utterly alone, and I know that nothing is going to get better unless I change something. We just share the same house and evening meal. I'm looking at jobs far away, but I'm dreading getting an offer and having to tell her we're done - almost as much as I'm dreading not being able to find a job!

I'm always waiting for the next insult or chance to push my buttons when I'm around her, and right now she's being nice and acting as if we're fine, even though we do nothing together and we've probably had sex four times in the last 12 months. I'm not happy in my work or our location. She doesn't want to visit my family at all (far enough to have to fly) anymore. Everyone around us loves her. She's working hard to collect friends and show off with good deeds, so of course I'll be the bad guy if I leave, but I'm dying inside here.

I need to not waste an opportunity if I get a job offer. Does anyone have some advice on how to stay strong and feel I'm doing the right thing?

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Doggo

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Re: Staying Strong at the Critical Time?
« Reply #1 on: April 24, 2019, 09:11:05 AM »
Hi MustTryHarder-- am new to this game as well but wanted to say you're not alone in this--am currently struggling with nearly all of those things,  except that my uBPDh wants to move out to the middle of nowhere,  isolating me even more. We have been together 20 yrs but I didn't notice until I didn't go along with what he wanted, triggering all kinds of hell for the past 2 years and the same things you list. We share a house and not even meals since I made diet changes to stop my prediabetes.  He complains that he can't eat now because I won't eat what he cooks (horribly unhealthy) and he 'can't ' cook for himself and won't eat.

What is currently helping me is a great therapist,  talking to a domestic violence hotline about emotional abuse to try to wrap my head around it more, and finding here that I'm not crazy and that these symptoms aren't unique or in my head. But looking forward to the other answers you get to this!

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musttryharder

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Re: Staying Strong at the Critical Time?
« Reply #2 on: April 24, 2019, 01:38:58 PM »
Wow, I'm sorry to hear you're in the same position. I'm actually already in the middle of nowhere after we moved a few years ago, before I noticed anything was "off".
I have days where I have everything straight in my head and I'm ready to leave, and then I'm filled with uncertainty and guilt again, and I hate it. I've been thinking of leaving every day for well over a year, and it's just draining.

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Doggo

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Re: Staying Strong at the Critical Time?
« Reply #3 on: April 24, 2019, 07:54:21 PM »
Yup,  I go back and forth constantly.  When the H is good he is fun to be with and interesting. For about two hours a day. My T says track how I feel to get a better handle on it

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GentleSoul

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Re: Staying Strong at the Critical Time?
« Reply #4 on: April 26, 2019, 01:55:26 PM »
Hello Must Try Harder

I wanted to tell you that I very strongly relate to what you post. I am experiencing most of it.

What has helped me a lot is in the Tool Box on here.  I use Medium Chill with my husband. It deflects quite a lot of the pain and undermining.

He shows a very different side when he is with other people.  He is chronically ill so pulls the "poor suffering little old man" act in front of others.

Sending strength to you, there is no simple answer to any of this.  Take care.