[justanotherempath]

Hello all! I'm new here!    

I would like to share my story with you all! I am a trans boy (boy in a girls body) interested in both men and women.
I will write a little story about the last week of my life and
how I figured out I am trans. Also I am wondering a few questions if you have any comments! Thank you! 

So I just came to terms with what I have always felt (I am a boy in a girls body), but was not always consciously aware of it. My mother gaslighted me into believing I never had boyish behavior, even though I clearly remember crying various times throughout childhood saying that "I want to be a boy" and "why can't I have been born a boy?" I always played with cars/dinosaurs, cried if friends/family gave me barbies or dolls. She would tell me "life's unfair", and "you can be a strong girl you don't need to be a boy". Never validating my feelings. Even to this day, since it is the most important thing in m life recently, she will not validate me or admit that I always had boyish behaviour, she tries to mess with my head! She even would through out my boy clothes or boy toys, and always give me second hand tank tops of hers instead.

I recently found out my "Mother" is a NARC and "Father" has BPD, and X bf (1 week broken up - woohoo freedom!!) was a sociopath with narcissistic traits.
I told my mother, father and bf I was bisexual, the "parents" (I use quotation marks as I feel they do not deserve the title of parent) new for more than 10 years, and told the bf since I met him.

I always got more aroused by women, about 85% for women, and 15% for men (especially if really muscular - yum!)
My x bf was very well kept and I had a sexual addiction to him, I never felt this sexually attracted and obsessed to any human before. In part due to the fact of his charm, confidence, athletic aesthetic, and this devilish sexual stare that later turned into the NARC stare.

When I was alone and aroused I would only think of women, thinking of him would not arouse me as time passed (1.5 years later). However when I was physically with him, the sex addiction would come out again. I think it is because he with-held sex from me to control me. He would even act more feminine in the bedroom and resist, I was the DOM in the bedroom. But sometimes he would not allow me to be sexual and would get mad and act disgusted because I am a "women" and "women should not enjoy sex"....I would feel guilty, and sometimes pleaded for him to pleasure me and not only himself. He just found it annoying and he acted all conservative, after telling me in the beginning of the relationship that he is not a conservative guy. In the promotion period/honeymoon period he was all about mutual pleasure with me. Also, whenever he finished (came) he would always hide his face in a pillow.

Why would he hide his face in the pillow? Is it so that I don't see his evil animalistic eyes instead of love? Also he loved looking at himself in the mirror when we had sex.
Anyone else had someone with-hold sex from them in order to control them?

I finally broke up with him and told him I am a lesbian, I don't want him to hoover, I guess in that aspect compared to others I am lucky. I'm still attracted to him, but I don't admit that to him, me might still try to stay with me, because he did love when I would come from behind him as if I was a guy, and it slipped form his mouth before when we were talking that I am his boyfriend, and this made me feel really happy at the moment he said it.

The day I told my "mother", I made sure to move out of the house before hand because I needed to escape, my reason was that I am gay. Thus I packed everything and got the hell out and said "I need time to come to terms with my sexuality". But actually I realised I encountered the devil, and had to get as far away from the "Mother". She accepted but would call me consistently freaking out saying she is worried I might die. they are really annoying. like who is gonna move out and just die or get murdered!?

I was researching about emotionally immature parents, then bumped into another sight about narcissism, and BPD and sociopaths, and covert sexual abuse, all which I suffered from the "parents". I went on a healing journey of guided meditations and following my savior Melanie Tonia Evans. I went through her guided meditation and found myself. what my obstacles and deep real thoughts our and what was holding me back from being me and what my trauma was. I feel I am on the right road now. Then during my healing and guided mediation, I saw myself as I always had been in my heart and soul, a masculine energy, a boy that was never aloud to show his true nature.

Everyone knew I was bi, just by looking at me, everyone commented on my boyish behaviour, and men got aroused by it. But I hated when I got noticed as a women. One week ago since I cut my hair I was a very extroverted, bubbly, busty, long haired girl. However, I was tough, confident, weight lift and sometimes had aggressive/angry behaviour as a boy does. When I cut my hair I felt liberated and back to my true self.

Now I look at my girls clothes in the mirror, in my closet, in old pictures. I feel icky, I feel not me, I feel ugly. Now that I am dressing in boys clothes for 1 week, I have never been more confident and happy in my life. In the past if someone comments that I look "pretty, or beautiful or good in that shirt". I was like... umm thanks. Now when someone says I looks good, cute, cool, I really feel it, I am happy with it. some say it out of courtesy/jelousy/hatred and I can tell as I am an empath, however it does not phase me because I am so happy with myself. I finally healed my internal wound because I am not scared to be who I am anymore.

Gaslighting from parents is intense, as a trans person, I feel like my identity was stripped and denied.

Has anyone else had their identity denied?
Did you always know you are LGBTQI, or any other label you identify as? Where you gaslighted to believe you are not?
After leaving a toxic parents house or relationship, did you come to terms with who you are quickly?
What was the defining moment you accepted it or knew it? (for me it was forever I knew I was boyish, and finally realized through my guided mediation that I am).

 Then by buying and wearing boys clothes and cutting my hair I finally experienced my real self for the first time. and I am in love with the way I get treated now as a man/boy - I must say I look boyish  - need to take Testosterone to look more manly lol.

Thanks for taking the time to read!!

I am looking forward to hearing any questions or comments!



 

[Whoa]

Hello invalidated trans boy, and hello world.

I think one of the most difficult obstacles for me, as another transgender person, is feeling like none of my own struggles are legitimate. There were times where I felt simply desperate for anyone to say, “Wow, what you are going through is frickin’ difficult.” So, knowing that you aren’t getting any support from your mom, I’m gonna say to you....

This is frickin’ DIFFICULT, man.   

I can’t even think of words to describe how painful it is, when nobody knows who you really are………..Perhaps that’s not even the negative part; it’s that they think you’re someone you’re not. They’ve created and fallen in love with a fictional character, and couldn’t care less about the real Stephen (my chosen name), or the real you, whatever name fits you right. I’ll share some of my own story, in hope that you can source support from it.
I came out just over one year ago, and thought all the barriers would crumble. Instead, I was perplexed to find everybody bustling about their daily lives, using she and her and a painful girl name as if my words had been nothing. I had never felt so separated from humanity, and being severely disabled at the time, I could not even leave our house. I could only spend the majority of each day in bed, as a 20-year-old shadow. Call it “she”, call it “it”, what does it matter? When I told my mom I was struggling, she printed out an article about a gay person kicked out by his father, beaten brutally on the street, going for five days without food… She said she wanted me to keep things in perspective. From that point on, I vowed not to let her see me cry again, and I reprimanded myself for any sort of mental difficulty. How spoiled I was! How selfish I was! I wished somebody would hurt me physically, so I could have permission to feel so distraught.

My parents did not invalidate my identity outright; they actually said, “Yeah, we’re not surprised.” They cited how I’d turned a doll house into a dinosaur house (sounds a lot like you!), and piled the dolls up in the kitchen as food. That was in kindergarten. When it came to surface matters, morphing “tomboy” into “boy” wasn’t too difficult for them. But when it came to truly grasping it, and doing the mental work that needs to be done to un-gender and re-gender their perceptions….they wouldn’t have it. My brother said outright that he would never use male pronouns naturally, and he became angry very quickly, as if I were putting an immense burden on him. All I’d done by that point is come out as trans! But he seethed about it for months, saying to my mom in secret, “I’m a straight male, and I’m not putting any onus on anyone.”

My dad went into total avoidance mode. While playing chess, he commented on a clever move of mine: “atta girl.” It hurt so much worse than any criticism ever could. It took him about three months before he used my male name for the first time. Pronouns came later.

Although it might be tempting for me to slip into self-pity, and label my family as selfish, I have to take a step back. My dad did what he did out of mourning. He told me right away that he felt like he was losing his daughter. I had no idea that grief was such a huuuuuuuge part of family reactions to trans-ness, and I guess it would’ve been good to know beforehand haha. For me, it was like, “Whew, aren’t you glad that the awful girl isn’t real? Don’t worry, it’s just me, now we can all relax!” For them, they LOVED that girl.

When I think of your mom’s reaction, it reminds me strongly of my own experience. What’ve the first stage of grief? Denial. It can take shape in limitless ways. Hopefully, as time passes and she sees that you are just the same old you, she’ll be more comfortable with the idea of you as a boy. She’ll see that it’s not any different from the person she’s known all along. This may happen, or it may never occur. In the wait-and-see period, I recommend living as rich of a life as you can. As hard as it can be to subsist without it, you don’t NEED family validation to be who you are. That part happened at birth

I’ve met incredible people, had rewarding conversations, and constructed a whole new life through my local chapter of PFLAG. It’s opened doors to other opportunities, like a little spiritual center with an FTM head minister (say what??), and a domestic violence prevention youth group. I no longer feel alone. Although it doesn’t need to consume all of life, I find that lifting up other people is what fulfills me the most.

(Dude, I got excited just reading about your thrill to start living life as a male. Definitely the same deal here. I never felt the “you look beautiful” compliments. Those were numb. Never felt good in the “pretty shirts”.    But hearing “nice to see ya, man” along with a firm handshake is medicine for my soul. And no, the wonder doesn’t wear off)