So, very recently -- ok not so recently as I was in denial for quite a few months -- my husband came out to me as a Trans-woman.
We both have a laundry list of problems, depression chiefly among them, which have dogged us both since childhood. My wife's parents are abusive/manipulative PDs and we think she is DPD as a result. I myself come from circumstances -- my mother is BPD and my father was a very abusive Narcissist -- and I myself am very likely APD.
When my (then) husband told me that he was a she, I wasn't particularly surprised. I think she'd been hinting at it for years subconsciously maybe? IDK. Either way, I suspected but really didn't think too much about it to be honest. Since her admission, I feel I've been, I think, really supportive of her. I help her pick out clothes, I'm sewing her dresses and the like when she can't find things that fit her measurements, giving her advice on makeup, listening to her frustrations, and encouraging her to be herself.
My own PD, however, is complicating things. Sometimes I find myself not caring for myself emotionally; I'm so focused on helping her through her transition that I've not really thought how this is affecting me. Part of me thinks I might be too afraid to examine my own feelings. As an APD in this situation, I am feeling a lot of pressures, anxieties and the like: Pulled/pushed by my own co-dependence; fear that once she's completed her transition, she'll leave me for someone else; fear that I'm no longer attracted to her because she's a woman now. Frustrated because she's become clingy to the point I feel suffocated nor that I have any personal space or time. Frustrated that everything lately has been about her and possibly a bit walked on/taken advantage of.
I do love my spouse. I feel like she's the same person she always was, it's just her gender that's changed. That said, I'm having a difficult time feeling attracted to her anymore. Worse, I feel like I'm mourning the loss of my husband which is not only confusing but upsetting to me because, clearly, part of me is having difficulty understanding or, at the very least, accepting/reconciling she's still the same person. ...I don't even know if this makes sense to be honest... Sometimes I feel like I'm being over sensitive or crazy.
I'm in therapy at the moment and on medication for depression. My therapist seems... unorganized. Now, I want to state here that I am no stranger to therapy. I had a really, really great therapist for nearly two years and, if we hadn't had to move, she'd still be my therapist. I also had to go about two years without talking to someone and, due to circumstances too long and complicated to explain here, I had a nervous break down last summer. Which is, of course, why I'm on medication and seeking therapy. I don't
want to be anxious and depressed all the time.
So my therapist seems to forget (or possibly "forget") that my spouse is transgendered each week we've met and often refers to her by her dead name (which causes more confusion when I try to set him straight). Also, I really feel like he's not understanding the issues I've come to see him for. He's overly fixated on my past relationships with my PD parents and extended family which I don't really think is helping me. Maybe there's some method to his treatment I don't see or, perhaps, I'm being too critical...? We've only had three sessions but I find myself becoming increasingly frustrated and/or dreading going to see him again.
So that's my situation. Any thoughts and advice would be greatly appreciated! Thanks for listening/reading.
