Facebook & social media

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NewME2016

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Facebook & social media
« on: September 09, 2016, 10:51:30 AM »
Hi all
I am seeking some advice on how to manage FOO & extended family on facebook. I had to block uNPD sib+partner for my own healing & I am NC but am not sure what to do about the extended family. FOO have no idea i'm ootf they just think I am busy at the moment.
 
Basically I have been vlc my entire adult life with extended family - occasional pleasantries but generally I am very different from them & there is a lot of PD & mental health that I don't want in my life.

What have other people done on social media with PD family?
Should I make a list and restrict access or just remain quiet on facebook?
Any and all advice would be appreciated

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all4peace

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Re: Facebook & social media
« Reply #1 on: September 09, 2016, 12:22:07 PM »
I've cut wayyyy back on sharing on social media. uNBPDmil and 2 SILs have displayed a lot of envy and I don't like to feed it.
ILs are way too curious about our personal lives. Rather than working on actual relatoinships with us, they troll on FB, so I don't like to feed that, either.
mil and sils show massive favoritism for each other, completely ignoring our family on FB, so I "unfollowed" all of them since it was really triggering and upsetting for me to see that.
Sometimes I enjoy a conversation about a funny or thought-provoking topic on FB, and I don't want to think about ILs watching that conversation, so I customize my settings for a few posts to not include them, if it's of a personal-to-me nature.

All of these things have been very helpful in my peace of mind.

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Unvitation to Drama

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Re: Facebook & social media
« Reply #2 on: September 09, 2016, 03:23:29 PM »
I've cut wayyyy back on sharing on social media. uNBPDmil and 2 SILs have displayed a lot of envy and I don't like to feed it.
ILs are way too curious about our personal lives. Rather than working on actual relatoinships with us, they troll on FB, so I don't like to feed that, either.
mil and sils show massive favoritism for each other, completely ignoring our family on FB, so I "unfollowed" all of them since it was really triggering and upsetting for me to see that.
Sometimes I enjoy a conversation about a funny or thought-provoking topic on FB, and I don't want to think about ILs watching that conversation, so I customize my settings for a few posts to not include them, if it's of a personal-to-me nature.

All of these things have been very helpful in my peace of mind.

Yep.  This in my IL's and extended family. They gush all over each other, but never acknowledge anything that happens in our lives via social media or in reality. If you don't participate in someone's virtual life, you're nothing more than a troll...IMHO. We are VLC with one of DH's brothers (who happens to not be on FB), in contact with one sister who seems to get it, and NC with the rest of them. I like keeping in touch via FB with friends and people I share hobbies with...why should I have to be punished because they are bat shit crazy? I either have them restricted, or have unfriended them.  There was a period when info about my family was still getting back to uBPD MIL which I realized was via one of her friends....RESTRICT.  It takes a little effort but I've found it so worth it.

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NewME2016

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Re: Facebook & social media
« Reply #3 on: September 10, 2016, 10:28:24 AM »
Thank you all4peace & Unvitation to Drama!
I have just been very quiet on social media until I work a plan out... I think the restricted list will work best for my circumstances. I am attempting to be very low key in my untangling from the family mental health mess. Just sort of shrinking back into the background.
There are a lot of reasons for me to stay on social media & continue my life as before.

A few questions - how do I know what they can & cant see on my facebook. I would like for them to be able to view the older posts on my wall but not see new discussions/ posts etc unless I allow access.
Did anyone find restricting caused problem (ie. the person noticed? or that it didn't work entirely?)
My blocking my uNPD sib is sure to cause problems but I don't want to put more fires out then I have too. 

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all4peace

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Re: Facebook & social media
« Reply #4 on: September 10, 2016, 11:00:50 AM »
Without asking them, it'd be hard to know. Plus I hear a lot of people just use their friend's accounts to check on people who've blocked them.

I have a friendly SIL, and I test out some of the settings with her. For example if I want to post something of a personal nature, the first time I was trying to restrict only certain people, I asked her to test it out with me.

You can restrict individual posts. I don't want my ILs to be totally blocked at this point, but I do want them blocked from things that are very personal to me. So they can see most of what I post, but presumably not the few posts on which I've blocked them, unless they're checking out my page on someone else's account.

I have no idea if they've noticed. My Shark SIL once oddly asked me (odd since we almost never talk) if i could see her son's bday photos on her wall. I couldn't. Later I could. I did wonder if she had also tested out blocking me.

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Unvitation to Drama

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Re: Facebook & social media
« Reply #5 on: September 10, 2016, 11:09:43 AM »
Thank you all4peace & Unvitation to Drama!
I have just been very quiet on social media until I work a plan out... I think the restricted list will work best for my circumstances. I am attempting to be very low key in my untangling from the family mental health mess. Just sort of shrinking back into the background.
There are a lot of reasons for me to stay on social media & continue my life as before.

A few questions - how do I know what they can & cant see on my facebook. I would like for them to be able to view the older posts on my wall but not see new discussions/ posts etc unless I allow access.
Did anyone find restricting caused problem (ie. the person noticed? or that it didn't work entirely?)
My blocking my uNPD sib is sure to cause problems but I don't want to put more fires out then I have too.

A few questions - how do I know what they can & cant see on my facebook.
I would like for them to be able to view the older posts on my wall but not see new discussions/ posts etc unless I allow access.
1. Go go their profile and click on the "Friends" Box with the check mark.  The drop down menu will give you options including "Add to List".  Scroll down until you see restricted and add them to the Restricted List. Then, when you post and share with your "Friends" it will exclude anyone on the Restricted List.
2. I would encourage you to limit you FB feed posts to 30 days which can be done in the privacy settings rather than giving them access to old posts.
Did anyone find restricting caused problem (ie. the person noticed? or that it didn't work entirely?)
The majority did not notice.  Maybe one or two to which I basically didn't respond or said "Oh, I have no idea.  FB, Twitter, Instagram updates their policies so often I can't keep track."
My blocking my uNPD sib is sure to cause problems but I don't want to put more fires out then I have too.
If someone is toxic but not using my information, I simply unfollow them (i.e. don't see their posts in my feed).  However, if they post inappropriately about me, my kids or my family and/or use things they've seen online to be a FM or to triangulate, I simply unfriend them.  This usually results in them blocking me.  LOL.  Thank you...thank you so much.  They think they've really "gotten me" by blocking me, when in fact they've done me a huge favor.  I cleaned house on my FB about two years ago and got rid of a LOT of dead weight....a lot of which were FM's of the IL and extended families.  I got several message within the first six months.  I replied honestly and said that DH and I really use FB to keep up with people that we do business with in the antique world and people that we share hobbies with....as well as the parents of our kids' friends.  Therefore, our FB focus is quite narrow and we've limited our friends list to reflect that.  If it was a direct question from anyone we are NC with or VLC with, I didn't respond...however, giving a FM or two that much information shut them down.
Social media is such a chess game to the PD and the PD traits person.  It's such a N supply for them....I find they haven't difficulty separating it from reality.

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NewME2016

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Re: Facebook & social media
« Reply #6 on: September 11, 2016, 03:42:23 AM »
Thank you again! Especially the restricted lists & limit to 30 days - just fantastic to be able to modify so specifically... as my wish is to fade into the background I am going to take it slow. Maybe make my account inactive for a while and then when I come back they will be restricted.

I wish I had the total confidence to just continue on with my life & let the BPD people flap around in a rage all they want...  but alas I am not there yet.
NPD is a little more scary to me -  intentional physical harm is real. This one can not handle any rejection & if starved for attention will resort to physical violence to feel a sense of superiority. I have no intention of unblocking .

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Irisheyes

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Re: Facebook & social media
« Reply #7 on: September 11, 2016, 10:46:47 AM »
FB has been hell for our family. We have a victim mentality Mother who likes to take jabs at us all. Shes not my friend on there anymore! :no:   I enjoyed FB all he pages of Nature and Animals, etc and still do I just don't have her as my friend and I only added my daughter and made my friend list private. How sad I cannot add others because yes, Mother could find out from them if I blocked her. So I message my daughter and look at  pretty pages of things that bring peace.  The rest of the family can't seem to get enough nerve to unfriend or block her except for my sister-in-law.   Who would think an 82 year old woman would use FB to try to make her family guilty. If she's an N only obsessed with her needs then yes I guess it is  her perfect platform. :wacko:

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all4peace

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Re: Facebook & social media
« Reply #8 on: September 11, 2016, 11:44:06 AM »
uNBPDmil won't get her own acct and used to use fil's--with whom i had a great relationship--to impersonate him and respond to my messages to him or generate messages, pretending to be him. H thinks she won't get her own acct due to terror of not being "popular enough." But now that she's retired and the golden grandchildren are in school full time, she appears to trawl FB endlessly. I hate that she's on there and would love to unfriend FIL to get rid of her, but I haven't taken that step yet. She just uses FB to feed her envy, and it makes me feel ill to feel stalked by her.

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NewME2016

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Re: Facebook & social media
« Reply #9 on: September 12, 2016, 02:23:43 AM »
I hadn't thought about FB feeding someone's envy.
Despite being surrounded by PD my entire life I still can not fathom the emptiness that in within them. I may actually be coming to a point of sympathy with parts of this disorder. Maybe that is part of my healing?

I still do not want them in my life flapping around making a mess but maybe I am starting to see (without judgement) that they need this to 'survive'.

My BPD sib uses someone else FB to stalk people - not sure about my uNPD sib... I get the impression he only uses it to promote the good parts. Have had them stalk me on Linkedin also - Unfortunately the online world makes me vulnerable to them knowing about my professional life.

I am trying to work on not caring & letting them waste time trawling the internet for bits of information. Not sure how to do it - but its impossible in my career to now have a web presence.

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GirlInterrupted0913

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Re: Facebook & social media
« Reply #10 on: September 12, 2016, 09:40:27 AM »
I manage dealing with FOO on social media by not being on social media.
I tried out FB for about a year... carefully. It was fun at first to re-connect with old friends and some family that I had little contact with over the years, but as I expected, it became a drain on my peace of mind very quickly. My FOO is as toxic as ever and they tend to over share.
I dunno.. maybe I'm just over it with their incessant need to be validated.... It all seems so absurd to me..
No offense to anyone. I realize that there are folks who keep most of their private life on the down low on FB; but my family does not fit that profile. They air out their dirty laundry, take covert stabs at one another, stalk one another, post way too personal/private info, post pics that depict a life of shear happiness and bliss when the reality is that they are ALL dysfunctional and rather "unwell", etc etc.
Its all just too fake for me. I didn't fit in well on FB because I didn't feed into their bs. I kept a super low profile and was rather boring (on purpose).  FB just isn't for me.
My entire agenda on this journey of healing from a life of trauma and abuse is to maintain as much of a peaceful and drama-free existence as possible. For me, Facebook creates a crack in my VERY guarded door of sanity. Its hard enough to manage my boundaries without my FOO's personality disorders gumming up the works. I found the delete button and never looked back...


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NewME2016

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Re: Facebook & social media
« Reply #11 on: September 13, 2016, 05:34:29 AM »
Good for you GirlInterrupted0913! It sounds like your family are imho wildly inappropriate on social media. I would never put personal details that I wan't happy for future employers to view.
I am learning there really isn't a one size fits all model - I literally never spend one on one time with these people ever but seem to be agonising over the social media etiquette.  :stars: odd right!

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BeachGlass

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Re: Facebook & social media
« Reply #12 on: September 25, 2016, 10:03:40 AM »
I had to deactivate my FB page just recently because PDbrother attacked me.  But I did want to stay in touch with the people in my life who have nothing to do with FOO.

My idea was to create a new FB page under an alias.  Before I deactivated my original page, I sent private messages to all the people I wanted on my new page, letting them know what my new FB name would be so they don't assume my friend request is a spam account.
 
My new page is extremely private and none of the people on my friend list have my FOO on their list.
It's really helped.

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Iivefree

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Re: Facebook & social media
« Reply #13 on: September 27, 2016, 03:45:22 PM »
So hard with my PD family members. I actually decided years ago to not have a FB page at all! Yes I miss out from people I do care about but the price my FOO was making me pay was too high.
I figured if people want to be my friends they will also be my friend in real life and all has been well for me without FB.

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littlemisssunshine

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Re: Facebook & social media
« Reply #14 on: September 27, 2016, 07:20:48 PM »
Unfriended my mum, dad, sister, uncle, aunty, brother in law, brother in laws sister and a fair few of sisters friends when they were vile to me and husband, i woke up smelled the coffee and was done with feeling always "less than" after reading about how they were all so emeshed.  Life in the social media world is better but I don't post a lot.

Do what you feel comfortable with, love and care for yourself, social media isn't all its cracked up to be, love and hugs xxx