Should I maintain strict no contact?

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Lightly wishing

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Should I maintain strict no contact?
« on: September 09, 2016, 11:08:46 AM »
Hi everyone, I broke up with my partner over 2 months ago, she moved out.  I believe she has dependent personality disorder.  It took many months for me to have the strength to insist she move and she hasn't really accepted that it's over.  We belong to the same social circles and I have been urged to have no contact - for her good because that is the "kindest" thing to do.  The premise of our relationship was that she has had a rough life, she is a victim, and I should be patient, understanding and basically take care of her.  I was so in love and I tried very hard to to make it work, but I felt like the life was getting sucked out of me.  She still has our friends looking at her as a victim and I go back and forth between thinking I am an evil person for not wanting to be with her and anger that I fell for the whole thing.  I can't be at the same social gatherings and I feel like she hijacked my social life. I still feel drained from the whole experience.  That is my vent!  I'm trying to move on but I'm still haunted and full of self doubt.

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Mehi5

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Re: Should I maintain strict no contact?
« Reply #1 on: September 12, 2016, 03:01:17 PM »
Hi everyone, I broke up with my partner over 2 months ago, she moved out.  I believe she has dependent personality disorder.  It took many months for me to have the strength to insist she move and she hasn't really accepted that it's over.  We belong to the same social circles and I have been urged to have no contact - for her good because that is the "kindest" thing to do.  The premise of our relationship was that she has had a rough life, she is a victim, and I should be patient, understanding and basically take care of her.  I was so in love and I tried very hard to to make it work, but I felt like the life was getting sucked out of me.  She still has our friends looking at her as a victim and I go back and forth between thinking I am an evil person for not wanting to be with her and anger that I fell for the whole thing.  I can't be at the same social gatherings and I feel like she hijacked my social life. I still feel drained from the whole experience.  That is my vent!  I'm trying to move on but I'm still haunted and full of self doubt.

Hi there.  First of all you are not an evil person.  You might feel guilty because you had to end a relationship that wasn't meeting your needs.  That doesn't make you evil.  It means you are emotionally healthy enough to recognize that you were in a one sided relationship.  After giving for so long, it is not hard to understand why you would reach your breaking point.  You deserve to be fulfilled just as she did.  What makes your emotional needs less of a priority than hers?  Why are you not important enough to be loved in return?  The way I see it, she may have been a victim in the past, but you are the victim in the present.  A victim of emotional neglect.  Maybe that is where the feeling that you are evil comes from?  Maybe you should explore this?

It is very hard to split using no contact when you run in the same social circles.  Especially when it is out of respect for her and not something you entirely want to do.  I wish I could say I was in the same boat you are, but thanks to my SO, I have only one friend and correspondences with her are closely monitored (via cell phone bill).  If I were in your situation, I would probably take a break from the social aspect for a while.  When your mutual friends start to ask questions, you can always explain the situation and how you are doing it out of respect for your ex.  it is really hard when these "circles" are so incredibly small to begin with. 

I imagine your ex is really good at playing the role of a victim but time will show her true colors if she decides to use it to her advantage.  It is my opinion that most true victims do not "play the role" of a victim.  Most of them want to pretend it didn't happen and healthy individuals want to heal from it.  If it were me I would question whether or not she wants to heal or use it to gain an advantage over you and others.  My SO does this a lot.  Mostly when she wants attention or to shift the attention towards her.  Sometimes my empathy gets maxed out and I am not able to give her what she needs.  I get angry a lot when she uses it to manipulate myself or others. 

Sometimes when relationships end, friends split between the two.  When that happens, you know who your real friends are.  If you find yourself without any of the friendships you previously held, my advice is to be patient.  Time has a way of working things out.  Your ex's true colors will show and one would only suspect that your friends will "come Out of the FOG" just like you have.  Someone once told me (in this forum) that it is hard to hide a disorder.  If it exists, it is only a matter of time when the mask slips. 

Keep your head up.  I know how it feels to have to be the adult and bigger person.  We have to sacrifice a lot for the benefit of someone else and it is hard to digest when that means we must suffer through.  During the time you take a break, make sure you get your mental/emotional health right.  That way after you sacrifice and are finally ready to move on, you will be ready for the next chapter in your life. 

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sparrow

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Re: Should I maintain strict no contact?
« Reply #2 on: September 16, 2016, 06:28:22 PM »
No matter what happened in the relationship, you don't need to and definitely should not continue to be with someone you don't want to be with, period. That's not good for anyone.

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bayougirl

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Re: Should I maintain strict no contact?
« Reply #3 on: October 03, 2016, 03:36:29 PM »
hi, i am at the tail end of a similar relationship. my partner has had a very rough life and uses it. what has dawned on me is that i have had an equally rough life as she has but the difference is that i don't wield my tough life as a weapon. you are not evil now and you never were. you left because instead of stepping out of the unhealthy ways of her past, she's perpetuating it and you're the unfortunate recipient. you deserve better. one thing that helps me, and has helped me in the past (because i come from this kind of past, i have had to learn this over and over again, even in friendships) is that i'm not being "evil" be walking away, i'm being "healthy" be choosing better, by choosing something different for myself, for choosing peace. any contact from you now just prolongs the unhealthy patterns. it sucks and it's painful and hard and sometimes you have to take it hour by hour or minute by minute. sending strength and solidarity.