My partner is insecure always

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Fitiong

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My partner is insecure always
« on: September 10, 2016, 05:22:05 AM »
Hi. I am a lesbian. I think my partner is suffering from personality disorder. She is very dependent and she needs me all the time. She has an insecure feeling always. She is sometimes unhappy with her body shape and appearance. I have told her a thousand times that I love her the way she is. But she doesn't understand. Now she says she needs to undergo a breast augmentation procedure. I think she is totally out of her mind. Her boobs are just fine except they are a bit small. She says she need to enhance them.  Is this procedure very complicated?
« Last Edit: September 14, 2016, 11:02:25 AM by Bloomie »

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practical

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Re: My partner is insecure always
« Reply #1 on: September 10, 2016, 09:26:25 AM »
Welcome to OOTF!

I'm sorry I don't have any real answers for you. For the medical procedure you would have to talk to the doctor who is performing it, who would be able to give you you an assessment for your partners case. As for her possibly being PD, only a professional can diagnose a mental illness. You can check out the information gathered on this website in the Disorders    or the Top 100 Traits     . It sounds like your friend my have body image issues, and maybe you want to explore this. You may also want to look at the Toolbox     and see if any of it would help you handle this situation.

Sorry you are dealing with this situation that seems to have several layers, which makes it harder to figure out how to deal with it. Hope some of the information here helps.
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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kiwihelen

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Re: My partner is insecure always
« Reply #2 on: September 10, 2016, 09:32:18 AM »
I tell the story of working with a client towards the goal of a breadt reduction then seeing her afterwards and she now could see her stomach and wanted a tummy tuck with liposuction.
Simply put, the surgery is not the issue. The issues are around her believing the surgery will make her feel better about her body.
Spend the money on therapy.

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Mehi5

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Re: My partner is insecure always
« Reply #3 on: September 12, 2016, 03:35:07 PM »
I have told her a thousand times that I love her the way she is. But she doesn't understand.

Fitiong,

My SO says she is too short, stretch marks are noticeable, hair is too dark, face isn't pretty enough, butt is too big, breasts are too small. and the list goes on and on.  I have told her for years that she is fine just the way she is.  I have learned though, that it doesn't matter what I say.  When I tell her she looks great the way she is she thinks I am lying to her.  Why?  It took me 6 years to figure this out.  It's because she looks in the mirror and sees herself negatively.  How can she believe me when she doesn't believe herself?

I asked her to look in the mirror several times over the last few years and describe herself.  Not once did she mention a positive attribute.  We have done this several times to no avail but I've learned that I can't fix a person who is so deeply insecure.  Emotional insecurity shows up in my SO's opinion of her personal attributes (among other places).  In order for my SO to feel good about her personal attributes, she has to feel good emotionally.  This is a hard task as she is PD and is not emotionally stable. 

She even went so far as to become addicted to tanning and working out.  At first I was on board with it and really enjoyed seeing her body change, as well as her confidence.  Since I was cooking all the meals, I made sure she ate clean, counted calories, and even planned her workouts.  I thought it would help her self esteem, but you want to know what happened?  She ended up cheating on me with a coworker.  She managed to blame the whole thing on me not being there for her.  Why wasn't I there for her?  Because I was dealing with a miscarriage, raising two kids, cooking, cleaning, oh and by the way had a full time job of my own.  She ended up with a lower self esteem than when she began. 

Bottom line, she has to believe herself before she can believe you.  No amount of augmentation will repair a low self esteem.  My advice is to be careful here.  One small change that supplies her with a dose of confidence and you may end up in the same boat I was where she takes it to the extreme.  With my SO, it's all or nothing.  There is no room for grey area.  People like my SO live for doses of confidence, however far fetched.

I had to set a boundary for my SO.  She is not allowed to change her body surgically in any way.  If she ever does, we are finished for good.  It is hard to set a boundary for her own good like she is a child, but that is how she acts.  She is like a teenager who isn't old enough to get a tattoo.  She doesn't understand the long term consequences of having to live with her decision.  So I have to treat her like a child because it is what's best for her.  Just like a child, she would do anything (even artificially) to "make" herself feel good.  I promise you, if your SO goes through with this, it will only supply her with confidence for a limited time.  Eventually it will wear off.

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Bloomie

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Re: My partner is insecure always
« Reply #4 on: September 14, 2016, 11:07:26 AM »
Fitiong - Adding a warm welcome to you here. I look forward to hearing more of what brings you hear and seeing you on the boards.
"If you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer. If you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow." Dr. Caroline Leaf

Bloomie 🌸