Did you have a close relationship with your PD sib & then they turned on you?

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IAmReady

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uPD sister began devaluing me about 7 years ago. Prior to this, we had a close relationship. I went from being able to do no wrong, to being able to do no right. This experience with her has been one of the most painful of my life. I've shared extensively on this forum about my fractured relationship with her, and my realization that she has many PD traits (our father is uNPD, and we have other PDs in our family).

She lives only 2 miles from me, and yet, I could probably count on one hand the number of times I've seen her in the past 6 months. She appears to have little interest in getting together, and most of our interaction is over text message, because this is what she wants. She got married in May to a man who also has shown little interest in having a relationship with me. I suspect this is because she has filled his head for years with unflattering, hurtful remarks about me.

I've struggled to accept that our former closeness is over, and that she is a different person now. Losing her as my best friend was devastating, and I have no explanation for it either. She's never given me one, and will become hostile if I press her. I can almost guarantee a fight ensuing. In typical PD fashion, her hurtful behavior towards me is always blamed on me. She will shift the timeline, or rewrite history, so that I am the cause of her rejection.

For most of the summer, we have been getting along better. She's been warmer and friendlier and as a result, I've felt my guard slipping and my brain once again "forgetting" who I'm dealing with, and that I can't trust her.

She loves to ask me about a particular friend of mine, whose kind of an odd duck and has some unconventional ways. My sister does not have a personal relationship with this friend, although they know each other. My friend actually doesn't care for my sister (she's one of the few people who sees my sister's PD traits) but my sister doesn't know this.

Yesterday I had lunch with this friend, and she told me of some crazy new thing she's into, and a new guy that she's seeing. None of this was confidential, and she and my sister never see each other, so when I got home I texted my sister this crazy news from my friend. It ended up being a long text. This was the exact sort of thing my sister would normally be extremely interested in hearing (considering she often pumps me for info on this friend).

She didn't reply until the next day, and then it was only two words. "Um... what?" And I've heard nothing since.

The implication was that I was disclosing info that she had no time for and wasn't interested in. Now I'm kicking myself for my stupidity in sharing anything with her and leaving myself open to this sort of small rejection and power play from her. She saw an opportunity to hurt me, and she took it. It's a small thing, but it still angered me, because I've been here so many times. When will I ever learn?

I could share things she's done that were so incredibly hurtful and selfish, and no doubt people would be wondering why I don't go VLC or NC. Good question. It's just so so so hard to disentangle from these people, because they're so good at making you feel that you have this magical, special, amazing connection. My sister used to say that we were "soul mates." Then they pull the rug out from under you. Suddenly you're a thorn in their side, everything you do annoys them, and they treat you with cruelty and disdain. Now you see a cold, petty, selfish, ugly side of their personality that takes your breath away. You want the soul mate back, the magical connection. You can't accept that that person is gone.

I've come a long way in 7 years. It took so long for me to understand what my sister was up to, and why she was treating me with such disregard and coldness. Why she would posture as though I were out of line if I behaved as though she were still my confidante and closest friend. Why she would react with scorn if I tried to have a normal relationship with her.  I just didn't get it for the longest time. Reading about PDs shed so much light.

Did you used to have a close relationship with your PD sibling, and then they changed on you? How did you handle the switch? Were you able to detach enough that their hurtful ways no longer cause you pain?
« Last Edit: September 11, 2016, 01:57:19 PM by IAmReady »

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healing

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Yep, that happened with my sister too, but now that I'm looking more closely at the relationship I realize how one sided it was all along.  My NSis would use me for emotional support yet give none while actively gossiping about me, bullying me, and invalidating me.  If it didn't concern her, she didn't care. It's gross. 

Also in regards to your sister I've learned that narcissists and other cluster Bs get worse as their personality dysfunctions get cemented.  Also, I've learned that your subconscious keeps trying to bring up the same issues until you're finally ready and aware that this person wasn't who you thought they were.  I know the sinking feeling of sending out information only to be purposefully invalidated time and time again.  It happened the last time with my NSis when I decided to go no contact with my Narc Parents.  Although she calls me to complain about how horrible they were, especially to me, when it came time to cut them off she played dumb and invalidated me as usual.

The switch happened for me when I realized that my "family" had been scapegoating and bullying me my entire life.  Really examine the relationship with your sister.  You might find that it's always been one sided in terms of caring. If not, then maybe she doesn't find you useful anymore because she has other people filling that need.  Either way, she's shown you she doesn't value you or respect you so she's not worth your respect or consideration.  It's frustrating what you're going through but your sister doesn't sound like she's worth your care or respect.  Only share private information with people that are worthy of your trust.  No one in my family of origin can be trusted. 

It's good you're waking up because you're worth so much more than letting someone treat you like you don't matter or only matter some of the time. 
Setting boundaries is a way of caring for myself.

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Menopause Barbie

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Oh, I feel your pain, ladies! I have no real advice to give, but reading your stories and experiences and thoughts made me feel better, so I will share my own story in the hopes that it makes someone else feel less alone.

 My older sister and I, as far as I can remember, were not close. My unBPD mom was always telling us we were close, and dressing us the same, and forcing us to do things together, but the effect it had on our closeness as sisters was not good. I yearned for my older sister's love and attention, so would eagerly snatch up these crumbs of forced togetherness and try to make my sister like to be with me. My unNsis used them as excuses to belittle me, bait me, and reject me. She would start fights and make it look like I had caused the trouble. My PD parents (unNdad and unBPDmom) would yell at me for disturbing the peace. Later, my mom might "comfort" me by pumping me for details of what my sister did to me behind the scenes and emotionally siding with me. But she never fixed anything. She never resolved anything between us. She just enjoyed the drama and being the middleman in our relationship. My guess is that she played the same game with my sister putting me in the pesky little sister role, just as she put my sister in the bully role when talking with me. Outside the house, my sister would snarl if her friends ever said we looked alike or that I was cute or that I could play with them. She made me feel like such a nuisance and annoyance, but, no matter what, if she made the slightest overture of niceness, I would come like a puppy to her side...just so she could set me up for more humiliation or blame.

By high school, I thought we had matured (or that I had become less annoying with age) and we might actually have some bond. She would include me in things from time to time, and would give sisterly advice about boys or driving or teachers or college. In retrospect, I think I had become useful to her as a shopping buddy and person to share clothes with.

Our relationship went on hiatus after we married. She distanced herself from me because I found out I was pregnant a week after she miscarried. It took years for her to forgive me for that. Once the kids were older, though, we developed what I thought was the relationship I had always craved. We talked daily, we supported each other through our PD parents' crazy demands and behaviors, and we created a circle of family among our children that I cherished. Life seemed perfect.

Fast forward to the kids in high school and my sister was suddenly treating me like a nuisance and a know-nothing pest again. She stopped calling, forgot all our birthdays consistently, and brushed off all my attempts to resume intimacy as sisters. I was crushed. I would ask what was wrong and was stonewalled or gaslighted to the point that I didn't know what to do. Oh, wait, yes I did! Do what I always had done as a child and ask mom to help. She would respond in any of the following ways:
--your sister has always been like this; she just isn't kind like you. (followed by examples of other family members who have noticed this disparity)
--I know, she said/did this mean thing to me just the other day and I am beside myself!
--are you sure? she couldn't be doing/saying what you think she said/did
--she hasn't mentioned anything to me
--she says you have been very critical and I know what she means because you have hurt me deeply with your criticisms (this one was only used as a last resort just before I dropped the rope and was trying desperately to fix my relationship with my mom after years of my sister's shunning)
--that's just how she is so you need to try harder to support her
--are you sure YOU didn't say/do something to offend her?
--maybe it 's my fault but I always tried so hard to make you close sisters
--it makes me feel like a failure when you say your sister hates you
--maybe you should try calling/writing/visiting/complying to her latest demands

I have finally figured out that my entire FOO is a huge mess and always has been. There are zero healthy relationships--just a lot of public fakeness and private backstabbing. After my sister dropped me (I see now that it was because my kids had outgrown their usefulness as built-in acceptable playmates for their cousins) my mother increased the pain seven-fold with her horrible advice and accusatory suggestions. The final straw, the perfect storm of dysfunction, actually came when my mother gave me the silent treatment for not complying with my sister's orders for a command public performance at her daughter's (a budding PD in her own right) wedding. I am so glad I didn't go! I am so glad I stepped away! And now that I am Menopause Barbie instead of the fake plastic person they all pretend to be, I am Nothing. They have moved on without me like a whirlwind of crazy. For a while after the whirlwind passed, I lay dazed and dizzy, and longing for the whirlwind to come back and not leave me alone like this! But no more. I would rather be rejected by them and live in peace then to be carried around with them in their whirlwind of drama and dysfunction.

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Candywarhol

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My sister dropped my like a hot spud three years ago.
I was always the codependent giver and carer. She always took and rarely gave in the past few years.
She became ill, I did everything I could to support her, she turned her back on me and became aggressive twice when
I asked her what was up She then began a horrible little triangulation to get my younger sister on side, which she succeeded in doing.
I'm now out, done, exhausted and at times bewildered about what happened. But I'm all about the self-protection and keeping a healthy distance from the off-ups that are my family!

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IAmReady

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Quote
They have moved on without me like a whirlwind of crazy. For a while after the whirlwind passed, I lay dazed and dizzy, and longing for the whirlwind to come back and not leave me alone like this! But no more. I would rather be rejected by them and live in peace then to be carried around with them in their whirlwind of drama and dysfunction.

I love this description, Menopause Barbie.

So you think your N sister's latest discard is because your children are no longer useful to her?

In my case, my sister's change towards me happened after I coordinated our parents and extended family 7 years ago to hire a professional deprogrammer for an intervention - she had spent six years in a yoga cult and everyone was extremely worried about her. She ended up being tipped off by the cult that the intervention was going to happen (somehow they got wind of it), and she left the country.

She ended up leaving the cult and moving back to the States a year later and into the apartment where I lived with my ex-fiance. Her personality was altered - she was no longer open, warm and loving towards me. That person, and our once close relationship, was gone. In its place was this stranger - cold, difficult, petty, selfish and critical. She rejected any attempt at spending time together and seemed content to keep me at arms length. Naturally this hurt like h*ll.

She brought home a small vacuum cleaner from Target, and kept it in her room. One day I asked if I could use it, and she flat out refused to let me. She said it was too small for cleaning the rest of the apartment (it wasn't). We ended up in a big argument and I so lost my cool that I ended up marching into her room and trying to take it anyway. Mind you, I'd turned my life upside down in order to get her out of the cult. I'd talked my ex-fiance into giving up our one bedroom apt and moving into a two bedroom so that my sister would have somewhere to live (my sister actually requested that I do this, and I went along with it). But she won't even let me use her vacuum cleaner? Seriously?

She says that during the time she lived with me and my ex (which ended up being two years), that I was too much in her business and wasn't giving her space. Granted, I didn't understand that she was altered and that our former intimacy was over, so I continued behaving towards her as though we still were close. I was made to feel like a nuisance and a chore.

I still remember the day she brought her boyfriend (now husband) over to the house for the first time. She'd been seeing him for a few weeks and said she really liked him, so I was looking forward to the introduction. He seemed nice enough, a little full of himself, but he was obviously very fond of my sister. A couple weeks later, during an argument, my sister said that he noticed I was "so condescending" to her that day. I was flabbergasted, and had no idea what he was talking about. I discretely asked a couple of people who know my sister and I well, if they have ever seen me being condescending to her. They looked at me like I was nuts.

This is what they do. They wear you down with a thousand little paper cuts. My attempts to understand why my sister became so cold and dismissive towards me, have only led to more confusion. If I press her, it will only lead to a fight and a whole lot of projection and gaslighting.

In my mind, if you have anger or resentment towards someone who was once a close family member, and that family member tries to understand what's wrong, wouldn't you WANT to explain yourself to them? Wouldn't you know the source of your own grudge, especially if you've been nurturing it for so many years? Why would you deny this family member the opportunity to make amends and clear the air? Why would you deny them the right to know what they did that so offended you?

For me, one of my biggest realizations was that her refusal to communicate with me about her obvious resentment, and total change of personality, was typical PD illogical behavior. I had never before realized that her behavior is solidly in PD territory, so this was a real game changer. I have been working ever since on detaching and not leaving myself too vulnerable, but sometimes I forget and I try to communicate with her like the old days, and usually it ends up biting me in the a**.
« Last Edit: September 11, 2016, 07:28:49 PM by IAmReady »

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Menopause Barbie

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Yes, IAmReady, I am sure I was discarded because my usefulness ended. Having me and my kids around helped her put on a public show of The Perfect Family, with her being the perfect hub of that family. She isolated her children--no outsiders were good enough--and had a billion crazy household rules that would have been embarrassing to enforce with anyone less compliant and PD-trained than myself. She used us to look normal, not just perfect. By the time her kids hit high school, she could use school activities to take the place of play, and continue to maintain both appearances and control.

I genuinely love my uNsis's kids, and hurt for the people they are destined to become. I watched the oldest be harrassed by my uNsis endlessly with what I now know was emotional and verbal ABUSE. I tried to be a buffer and advocate for her, but she learned that the best defense for her from her mother's criticisms and attacks was to point out others' shortcomings. Just recently, (the main reason I skipped the infamous wedding) my daughter shared some of the behind-the-scenes gaslighting and baiting that my niece had used against my daughter all those years. She sobbed as she told me. I was crushed that my FOG had blinded me from seeing what was happening and that I had failed to intervene enough to protect my sweet daughter from this abuse by an abused little girl. My last interaction with my niece turned my stomach because she has become such a phony, show-off, hypocritical narcissist. I pray that some day she will see the light (or her husband will stand against my sister's interference) and change; but I must say that I have lost hope of ever seeing her or any of my FOO again.

If your sister has children, chances are they will choose the path of least reflection and least resistance and become a danger to your own FOC. The abuse is multilayered and multigenerational. I tried to help my niece in ways that would not rock the boat and make everything explode. I'm learning that the only way things ever change is when you are willing to not just rock the boat, but jump ship. I have so much respect for people like you that are able to do MC. I couldn't do it. Every member of my family knows that I can only take so much fake before I start screaming, "THE EMPEROR HAS NO CLOTHES!! THE EMPEROR HAS NO CLOTHES!!!" Then they all shake their heads at me, the trouble maker, the Marilyn Munster in a household of malcontent freaks, and quietly continue with the crazy. Nothing changes. No one wants real. So real has left the building.

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Muggins

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My N sister is older than I am, enough so that she can remember she didn't want a sibling. My existence was a nuisance to her while we were growing up. Then when she was raising her kids (more narcs) we became closer for some reason. At her house. At my parents house I always felt like crying whenever she dropped in with her family. They'd burst in the door like they'd arrived to entertain us with their show. Years later while she was ending her marriage, she joined a support group and was never the same again. Now I think everything she does is whatever is best for her, no matter who it hurts. I doubt she even sees that she's hurting anyone.

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Menopause Barbie

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Yes, Muggins, my older sister loved her 4 year stint as only child until I came along and ruined everything, LOL! At the risk of mentioning another TV show that no one else is old enough to remember, she used to l-o-v-e watching reruns of Bewitched. She used to talk about how she looked just like Tabatha and would be totally absorbed in the show when she was- I don't know- 10 or 12ish. It was like a time machine that took her back to the good old days and she would reminisce about them to me like an old woman remembering her prime. Of course, Tabatha was a very happy only child. As my sister would be morphing our family in with this television family, I used to think, "Wait--where do I fit in with this scenario?" It always made me feel like a bit of a third wheel. Only since I came Out of the FOG did I realize that she has resented my presence since birth! I had always believed my mom's claim that she wanted a sister and that we were raised to be super close, so I assumed that it was my fault when our relationship was distant. And in my next post, maybe I'll reference Gilligan's Island, Mchale's Navy, and the Partridge Family! (We watched way too much TV  :o)

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Muggins

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That's a great image though of a little girl watching a tv show and telling her sister "those were the days", except for the before you part.

I don't recall feeling that any tv show represented our family dynamic until a scene in That 70s Show where the daughter was on her way out of the house and said that she didn't feel like a part of their family. I wondered if my sister felt like that because when she became a teenager she was always going to her friends' houses rather than bringing them home. Also there was the mother often telling the son not to "poke the bear", meaning the father.

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Menopause Barbie

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OK, Muggins,  this is your fault! I'm going to start a thread on TV shows that we related to as kids in PD land...

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Artsy

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Re: Did you have a close relationship with your PD sib & then they turned on you?
« Reply #10 on: September 12, 2016, 09:01:19 PM »
This is one of those threads where you want to print it all out and study it. There have been so many scenarios and comments shared that sound just like my sister relationships. Now being NC with two of my sisters, I have come to the conclusion that it was more of a matter of "waking up" and that it's been toxic from the beginning. It's hard and embarrassing to realize so much of my relationship with them was sweetened by my own denial, because I couldn't handle facing the truth (but it is what it is, right?)

The way your sister responded to your text about crazy friend, reminded me of my sister. When it was advantageous for her, we were best friends, but when I initiated or partook, she changed her tone in these weird, shaming rebukes, like I was outrageous. This is my narcopath middle sister, who really turns my stomach because she was so cruel and bullying growing up (10 years older). I literally lived in fear of her. But my oldest sister, I needed to believe was the "good sister," my "one normal relative" - till I woke up. It was devastating.

I'm kind of glad it was "waking up" for me, because it was easier than losing a real relationship. We had lots of laughs and long conversations and fun sister times, but she always went off judging, gossiping, undermining, and setting me up to make sure she stayed in the center and remained "the best." I honestly don't believe there can be love in a circumstance like that. I had to keep my eyes closed with both hands to make that work.

I do have a third sister, who sucks me in, gets information for the other sisters, gossips, sets me up, and for some reason it's harder for me to get mad at her. She is only 5 years older than me, and just her existence validates me, as we grew up seeing things within range of each other, so there was less to invalidate (although, she still manages to do it). My two oldest sisters, just write me off, and the age difference helps.

Since my family has fallen apart (I went NC with the oldest - an absolute taboo) and they are all turning on me, I keep telling myself that the sister closest to me in age, is no advocate, but I keep falling into her fake compassion and being reminded of my desperate need for a fricken biological family member who I can rely on. I'm trying to get on track and "remember" how bad she's been, but I truly enjoyed her, even when she was so invalidating, if only because we were near the same age, and laughed at the same things.

I do think this sister and I had a relationship of sorts, and she's not as easy for me to just cut off. On the other hand, she's better at manipulating me and boy does she ever. Really, she's probably the worst out of all my sisters when you look at what she's tried to invalidate and bury (violence that has happened to me, etc...) She also exploits me for money, which she does often and this tends to jolt me out of denial.

The only thing I can think of is that I have more grieving to do with her, because she was like a childhood "friend" (you know, the kind you realize was never a friend to begin with??) But the connection as still there. That's why she's the queen of flying monkeys and I've parted with more information than I should have since I've gone NC with others.
"I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone." Robin Williams.

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Summer Sun

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Re: Did you have a close relationship with your PD sib & then they turned on you?
« Reply #11 on: September 13, 2016, 12:08:32 AM »
Yes, yes, and yes.  Artsy, I could have written your post verbatim.  Especially about waking up and seeing it, in reality, as toxic, from the beginning, sweetened by denial, because I couldn't face the truth, the truth that who I thought accepted me, thought were real family, thought were safe, (after a lifetime of abandonment, rejection and trauma) were indeed, the polar opposite.  Hind sight is always 20/20.  I see, now, that I too have been used, for decades, when there was a need, when it was convenient, when my gifts or experience could be useful.  I too ready, too conditioned, to please, serve, forgive, seek harmony and reconciliation.

Now, with awareness and some assertion and boundaries on my end, it is like a coy game of chess.  Each waits for the other's move, with the end intent, to knock out, or, sacrifice the pawn (read s/g), by the King and Queen (alignment between puppet master and sidekick key f/m).  They are near echoes of one another, and think themselves oh so intelligent with cohesiveness in managing me, their IP.  They oh so under estimate my own intelligence, intuition, perception.  And, at this point, I really think they deserve one another!  Will be interesting to see which piranha is last swimming. 

LC, though feel just one small step away from NC which I think will be healthier for me big picture. 
"The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference" - Elie Wiesel

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Artsy

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Re: Did you have a close relationship with your PD sib & then they turned on you?
« Reply #12 on: September 13, 2016, 09:12:53 PM »
Now, with awareness and some assertion and boundaries on my end, it is like a coy game of chess.  Each waits for the other's move, with the end intent, to knock out, or, sacrifice the pawn
LC, though feel just one small step away from NC which I think will be healthier for me big picture.

This reminded me of a reading project I dived into in search for metaphors for my Narc family experience. I started to read Alice in Wonderland, and got more out of reading about the author. The whole story is about a child who has a Victorian sensibility about good manners who is constantly trying to make sense out of nonsense. She has to change her size a number of times, growing smaller and bigger, to deal with Wonderland (as the story goes). Anyway, I love how she doesn't wake up until she faces the maximum penalty Wonderland can give, and realizes that they really can't do anything to her - "You're just a bunch of cards!" Looking forward to the Looking Glass as it's on an actual Chess Board.

"I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone." Robin Williams.

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healingforward

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Re: Did you have a close relationship with your PD sib & then they turned on you?
« Reply #13 on: September 15, 2016, 03:12:44 AM »
Short answer: yes, twice over. I had to go NC with uNPD brother four years ago and uHPD sister recently. I was very close with brother growing up, and very close with sister as an adult. Both had PD traits all along (I now realize) but the sh*t didn't really hit the fan until they entered late middle age. Both relationships became unbelievably toxic, manipulative, draining, and finally downright unbearable. Both my psychologist and psychiatrist confirmed PDs as very likely and advised me to save my own sanity and health by completely withdrawing from them.

I won't sugar-coat it --- it's been like dealing with death. The death of illusion (what you thought those relationships were, but ultimately weren't), the death of the people you thought you knew (who have become people you can barely recognize), the death of hope for a "normal" family. Lots of anger and grieving involved. Wash, rinse, repeat.

But --- I can honestly say I feel far more stable after going NC. And far less drained. It's a process, of course, but I feel like (for starters) I can finally hear my own thoughts and my own voice. That's a very nice change.

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BettyGray

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Re: Did you have a close relationship with your PD sib & then they turned on you?
« Reply #14 on: September 15, 2016, 09:46:53 AM »
Hello all...my story is so very much like all of yours. Nsis - 2 years older, and was the "baby" and only girl til I came along. That made her the middle child (along with my second oldest brother.

My mom also harped on the "you only have one sister so you will really need each other, especially as you get older" nonsense. When all the while she was triangulating conflict, using Nsis to bully me so she didn't have to look like the bad guy.

My sister never seemed to like me. We were not close, as I didn't trust her. Same things happened to me - she couldn't stand if her friends liked me, or if I got attention when she didn't. When we played with neighborhood kids, she would gang up on me with them instead of standing up for me. As teens, I was NEVER allowed to borrow any of her clothes or go out with her. We would go to the mall together, but her friends and stuff were off limits. Perhaps she was scared they would like me better (as most of them seemed to over the years - that is, unless she bad mouthed me to them first).  Or that I would look better in the clothes. She was very proprietary, which I now know was a control thing to make me feel inferior, and unworthy. I too, took crumbs I thought were signs that she was finally maturing and coming around.

But she seemed to have some fantasy that we were close. As we got older, she seemed to love playing this up in public, acting like we were friends. Even into my 40s, she referred to me as "her little sister" when introducing me to new people. Or she wouldn't introduce me at all. As we got older, she hated that she aged faster than me. No one ever mistook me for the older sister.

The rift widened when my life took off and hers didn't. I moved away, got married, and had a happy life away from the craziness. But for years she still kept in touch, stayed close to my parents, jumped from job to job, relationship to relationship , and never married. She still sent sugary sweet sister cards (little girls playing dress up and that ilk). She also has a heavy obsession with the past - like I was betraying her by not still being that little girl she could manipulate. She loved talking about things we did as kids, but we had no happy adult memories.

She and my Nmom became a team. Who knows - maybe they always were. Anything I told one of them, the other either already knew by the time I talked to the other. I knew not to share too much, but still I let them in, telling them things I shouldn't have. They would feign interest or concern but now I realize it was all information gathering so they could gossip about me.

I knew my sister was emotionally immature, but I didn't realize she was most likely BPD until about a year and a half ago when she dropped me by hanging up on me and told me never to call again. Although it was painful - I remember crying so hard that my heart literally hurt - it didn't take me long to realize that this was a blessing in disguise, the kind of liberation from her I had always wanted. I had played along as I much as I could tolerate the "close sister" lie, but it had always been one sided and felt like an obligation to have a "relationship" with her. There was no support for me through good or bad times.

I do think she got nuttier as we aged. She dropped me after I tried to get her to understand how dysfunctional our family was. It's like it shorted out her brain to hear this, even though over the years she had the same complaints about my parents. But she was the only one who could say those things - if I did, she would shame and lecture me.

But this last time, she lost it. I guess the last 20 years of staying close to my mom and hearing her bad mouth me eventually turned her completely against me. Or maybe she was all along. Either way, she probably always sensed my rejection of her and dropped me before I could drop her for good. At that point that was not something I would have considered, I would have continued to try and keep something alive with her no matter how phony it was.

But her weird reactions led me to research BPD and there it all was in the page. How did I not see it before. All in all the incident led me to this forum, so I would say I got the better end of the deal. You have all been like true sisters to me - caring, supportive, empathetic, inclusive, interested in what I have to say, never invalidating, bullying or demeaning me. I'd trade her for all of you any day.  :phoot: :phoot: :phoot: :banana:
« Last Edit: September 15, 2016, 09:53:30 AM by Liz1018 »

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IAmReady

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Re: Did you have a close relationship with your PD sib & then they turned on you?
« Reply #15 on: September 15, 2016, 12:58:03 PM »
Quote
My sister never seemed to like me. We were not close, as I didn't trust her. Same things happened to me - she couldn't stand if her friends liked me, or if I got attention when she didn't. When we played with neighborhood kids, she would gang up on me with them instead of standing up for me. As teens, I was NEVER allowed to borrow any of her clothes or go out with her. We would go to the mall together, but her friends and stuff were off limits. Perhaps she was scared they would like me better (as most of them seemed to over the years - that is, unless she bad mouthed me to them first).  Or that I would look better in the clothes. She was very proprietary, which I now know was a control thing to make me feel inferior, and unworthy. I too, took crumbs I thought were signs that she was finally maturing and coming around. 

Interesting. This brought back some memories!

My sister is the younger one by 3 1/2 years. When we were growing up, she was fiercely protective of her friends and also a cousin who was exactly her age. When they came to the house, I was the cool older sister, and they wanted me to hang out with them. I remember her best friend in middle and high school would come into my bedroom and try to talk to me about music and boys.

My sister would throw an absolute fit if I ever came around her friends or anyone she had deemed as "hers." I was NOT WELCOME. At the time I found this amusing - these were younger kids by several years so it wasn't any great social hardship to be barred from their company.  I remember feeling a little taken aback though at how violently my sister didn't want me around.

When she was younger (single digit age), my sister wanted to hang out with me and my friends always, and she expected that I include her. There's a photo of my 10th birthday party. My sister was being a complete brat, wanting all attention on her. My mother said that I had to let her open my presents for me, just to calm her down and prevent a tantrum.

I never linked these childhood behaviors to the later display of PD traits when she was an adult, until reading people's comments here. Very interesting.

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bruceli

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Re: Did you have a close relationship with your PD sib & then they turned on you?
« Reply #16 on: September 15, 2016, 07:33:26 PM »
Was close with PD sister up until after she graduated college.  The devaluing started there and the discard happened once I got my graduate degree and got educated about PD's. I became a huge liability by now being able to expose her and her control and manipulations.
One will never fulfill their destiny or truly be free, until they can let go of the illusion of control.

Fair doesn't mean equal and best doesn’t mean good.

They could see me walk on water, and they would say it is because I can not swim.

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amazedsister

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Re: Did you have a close relationship with your PD sib & then they turned on you?
« Reply #17 on: September 16, 2016, 01:29:18 PM »
I was very close to my sister until 2012....well probably she started turning against me looking back around 2009.  I suspected something was up.....she found out about it......and was really, really mad.  That is when she started turning against me.  I can look back and see things that happened - she was planning out what she was going to do back then.  She was starting to carve her intricate trail of lies. 

Never let me see it truly until 2012.  I saw the real "her" then.  She told lies and was caught.  I became enemy #1.  She is very good at triangulation.  Has people believing all kinds of stuff.  She told her ex husband before she left that my parents and I didn't want them coming to our house (not true). She told us her husband didn't want us at their house (not true).  Didn't know all of this until after she left, and we started comparing things and telling each other things.  My oh my, they can weave the lies.

Her 2 sons will have no contact with me and my parents (did speak to us at graduation....but will not answer or return calls, texts, emails).  Sister said it is not her doing that.  She accidentally sent a text to me once meant for the boys - so I have PROOF that it is her.  She's told them a lot of things that are NOT true.

A friend telling me about this site is what helped me the most.  Reading that others have experienced the same thing....knowing that I am not the crazy one (although at times I still question things), being able to put a name with what is going on....all of this has helped me from going insane!  I cannot think the people who started this enough!!!!  I was in a bad, very bad place, until I started reading the stories here.

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Wookiepunch

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Re: Did you have a close relationship with your PD sib & then they turned on you?
« Reply #18 on: September 17, 2016, 07:03:50 AM »
IAmReady...
yes I can totally relate. I think what was most painful for me was knowing I was being used, and once my usefulness was gone and I had served my purpose i was quickly discarded.
Not sure if it applies to your situation but I have always experienced a dysfunctional cycle. My brothers, and especially my Mom would have a cyclic relationship with me when tension built, and eventually a conflict would occur and I would be cut off. Then reconciliation and a "honeymoon" phase.
This recently happened with my younger brother- who like your sister is more of a best friend than a brother. Every six months or so He would start being more rude to me on the phone, and eventually it would build to an "event'. This would lead to pain and distrust on my part for the sneak attack.
My older Nbro was always kind of mean to me, and this usually manifested through humiliation. About 15 years ago i was an apprentice mechanic. . Around this time he bought a Mustang, and it so happened I worked at a Ford dealership. Because I was new, I got forced to work every Saturday. Well, because driving a fast car hard is expensive he started making regular appearances. He would show up and we would go to lunch and I would do services on his car for free. We would watch peoples court and eat burgers, and do guy stuff. It was so much fun- I felt like I had the brother I always wanted. Once I quit the dealership...he quit visiting. He quit answering his phone. I had nothing to offer. This happened a lot with us. I was never worthy of being respected or valued for me- I was a backup when nobody else was available, or I had some service he could use.
This is kind of a thing in my family. Once you don't have anything to offer, they move on.

The inconsistency is incredibly painful and makes it hard to trust people. What cuts the worst is I have friends from work, school, church that have NEVER treated me like my "family". They pull these stunts and when it suits them, they come back around like everything is fine. Ridiculous.
Thanks for sharing, and I am sorry your sister sucks. Trust me, you're not alone in your experience.  :bighug: