BIL Living with Us... still.

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CopperLining

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BIL Living with Us... still.
« on: September 12, 2016, 03:40:16 PM »
I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for two and a half years, and the first year and a half was great! A year ago, we moved into our first home together (staying with her parents for 6 months prior). A few weeks after we moved in, her brother came to live with us, because he couldn't find work and needed a break from paying his rent to catch up. It has been a year since he moved in, and it has been one of the worst years of my life! There have been good times (mostly when we have our privacy), and that's the reason why I have stayed here through the storm.

Immediately after the BIL came into the picture, I noticed a difference in the dynamic between my girlfriend and I. They are very close sibs, and fulfill all emotional and friendship needs with each other, and I am always the odd one out. In my own home. The BIL has a good job making decent pay, and instead of saving for a place for himself, he has been on vacation to Vegas twice (and a third trip planned and tickets bought for 6 months from now), and bought a whole new bedroom set for himself.... the list goes on!

So, what I need help and advice with: how should I approach him to tell him his time here is running out (he needs to go so my gf and I can focus on each other and our relationship) ? I asked him one day when he was planning to move out, because the gf and I want to get married and have our privacy, and we agreed that we would visit the issue at the end of the year. But, he ran and told his sis the next day like a little b*tch, and whatever he said she was Livid with me! (This is the negative type of BS I need out of my home!).

I need to tell him that it's time or him to move on, because their family is so close that my gf never will... but I don't know how! He is older than us by 8 or 9 years, which makes the situation strained to begin with... and he's a control freak, so me asking him when he would be out was like an act of war I feel like... I just need this constant stress OUT OF MY HOUSE! Any advice or ideas would be greatly appreciated!

*CopperLining*

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Summer Sun

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Re: BIL Living with Us... still.
« Reply #1 on: September 13, 2016, 12:19:24 AM »
It sounds like your GF and BIL may be trauma bonded?  In any event, it seems to me that you and your GF need to be on the same page (as in requesting his plan, or in definiing joint boundaries or deadlines for providing his housing).  Communicating it was a hand up, not an indefinite free ride, that you need privacy and he needs to respect your individual and joint needs.  I would suggest that your gf needs to communicate so you are not set up as the bad guy.  She should communicate this with you present.  If she is not on side, perhaps she needs to consider who or what her priorities are so you can make informed decisions for your own future if you are moving in different directions?

Wishing you the best and much success.

SS
"The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference" - Elie Wiesel

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CopperLining

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Re: BIL Living with Us... still.
« Reply #2 on: September 13, 2016, 09:34:21 AM »
Thank you very much for the kind words and advice! Sometimes I feel like I'm putting the cart before the horse, because my GF and I haven't learned how to fight fair yet... so, every conversation that we don't agree on the subject ends badly. Meaning, we have been on two polar opposite sides of this argument since day one, and have found little common ground. Tha is the biggest part of why I want the BIL out, because with him there my GF and I aren't a team about anything. Because her and her brother's actions and opinions are naturally so in line with each other. I know, we need therepy!! C'est la vi!

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bopper

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Re: BIL Living with Us... still.
« Reply #3 on: September 13, 2016, 04:54:48 PM »
Can you talk to GF without BIL around?

Ask her what she sees for the future.
Does she see you getting married?
Does she see her brother living with you or living elsewhere?
Say that you were glad to help him get over a hump...but he has been over that for awhile.

Do you own your home or are you renting?
I would use the next lease signing as a go/no go date.
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.

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goodgirl

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Re: BIL Living with Us... still.
« Reply #4 on: September 13, 2016, 05:39:53 PM »
Hey, CopperLining--

Thing is, this really is an issue between you and GF, not you and BIL.  Because ultimately, if she's not willing to take stand up to her brother and put you first, then what future can you have together?  I know that sounds harsh, but I think that's the reality that's facing you.

So maybe you and GF get together somewhere neutral, when you're not in the heat of the moment, and talk.  Tell her what you want:  the two of you to build your lives together, just the two of you.  Then ask what SHE wants.  Maybe she's not willing for her brother to leave.  Maybe she wants him to leave but doesn't know how to make it happen on her own or is afraid of the fallout with her family.  Maybe she wants him to leave but will refuse to do it because of the family fallout. 

Really, the first thing to find out is whether you two want the same things.  And if you do, what can you do together to get them--or whether you're both willing to do what it takes to get them.

And then you have to think about what to do with the answers you get.

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almostthere

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Re: BIL Living with Us... still.
« Reply #5 on: September 13, 2016, 06:16:30 PM »
 :yeahthat: