Once a year contact with my 'fixer' only brother.

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Amelia3

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Once a year contact with my 'fixer' only brother.
« on: September 13, 2016, 04:52:22 PM »
The family home is on the market, as my retired brother grooms it for sale. It's being readied for the market and once sold the funds will go into a trust for my mom. She's in a full care home for people with alzheimer's. Then the three siblings living there, all alcoholics, the GC, the fixer and the new SG will move on.  There are other family members rotating around like atoms attracted to the nucleus which is the golden child.

Have been no contact for four years now.  With the exception of limited christmas contact with my brother.  I'm still really angry at the GC, my elder sister who throughout my life abused and lied all the time.  She turned the entire family against me.  I've thought about revenge for some time, of some sort, but from what I hear she's in quite bad health.  So the thought of standing on her grave and doing a victory dance has somewhat lessened even though its becoming highly probable that she won't live a really long time.   

Does anyone have any techniques for ridding yourself of these thoughts and this hatred of another person? 

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bopper

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Re: Once a year contact with my 'fixer' only brother.
« Reply #1 on: September 13, 2016, 04:55:46 PM »
The Best Revenge is Living well.

Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.

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SpringLight

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Re: Once a year contact with my 'fixer' only brother.
« Reply #2 on: September 13, 2016, 06:42:23 PM »
The Best Revenge is Living well.

I am utterly exhausted by my own family drama at the moment...which I'll save for later. BUT...due to my
present fatigue, I first read that as The Best Revenge is a Living Will.... :stars:

But, on second reading....YES! YES! YES! I see what was really written and agree with Bopper. It sounds trite, but it is true.

I understand that terrible anger you feel, and I empathize and sympathize with that. What happened to you was wrong, terrible and has caused you immeasurable pain.

But...as the saying goes...that which you focus on, expands. The more you focus on the horrible, person, the more time and energy you devote to payback, the more YOU.... lose. You certainly should acknowledge your feelings, vent to a safe person, or come here...but otherwise planning revenge is a futile mistake. That kind of focus on payback is ultimately corrosive to YOU. 

You can't get back your past...(and I sympathize with you on that....) but you can use this energy to become the quality person that your sister wasn't. You and you alone can change the course of your life, become everything your sister wasn't.

Please don't let her have this power over you.   DO Take care of yourself in a way you never were taken care of. 

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SPinSC

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Re: Once a year contact with my 'fixer' only brother.
« Reply #3 on: September 19, 2016, 05:29:17 PM »
My perspective is similar - with a story to back it up.

My H (ubpd/cptsd?) is the youngest. Next to him was GC who was allowed to CAUSE H's cptsd - <<words I can't use here because of how impolite they are>> is how I feel about him. And I've never met the man - won't meet the man.

Anyway, H chose NC with FOO. I didn't really understand that for the first few years. Now, I do. Now, I wouldn't have it any other way. He has no reason to contact the GC, the fixer (oldest brother) or the (mountain of sarcasm here) 'Sweet' oldest sister. They call him sometimes. GC to brag (NC when his life begins stinking again - as it always does). Fixer when he's feeling old and close to the grave - wants H's forgiveness but isn't being too pushy about it. Sweet only calls to wish H a Merry X-mas (she has NO religion).

It would suit me if they left H alone. It would suit him also. But, instead of getting upset and staying upset whenever they call, he can unload the conversation onto me, hash it out, make fun of it - whatever helps him the best at the time. Then, it's forgotten until the next time they call. Usually to tell about the latest heart attack or bout of cancer. Usually feels slimy when they call - like they somehow expect their youngest brother to make it all right for them.

So, we deal with the call, then get busy living OUR lives. The one that is more stable and loving than anything any of those three have going (and we're on the rocks a lot lately). Still, it's better than they are living. And H remains grateful for that. It really IS the best revenge.
I choose this day to rise up and be my best self, not succumbing to that which I sense is inside me, trying to drag me down.

Love is an action verb. You will know if it is genuine by the actions that support it, not by the frequency of the spoken words.