The never-ending story (literally)...

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The never-ending story (literally)...
« on: September 14, 2016, 05:04:03 PM »
I need to purge this in a more permanent way so as to not forget how important it is to remember.  It may sound strange but in or Out of the FOG, it isn't all that relevant when abuse amnesia shields me.  It's like a permanent suit of armor I didn't ask for and I don't know how to fight against it other than to purge it where I can remind myself of what actually occurred.  Given my current frame of mind, I need to find a way to remind myself of what happened.  This entry cannot be ripped up, stolen, or destroyed by "her."

An audience is not required as I am merely collaborating with my brain to recall facts so feel free to move on at this point.  I do not need a comment, advice, or support unless you feel compelled.  The details may even put you to sleep but I feel like I need written proof of what actually happened.  You know what they say, "the devil is in the details."

It's Sunday morning.  I know that she is going grocery shopping later so I decide to start on the dinner menu for the week.  How do I know?  Because she ALWAYS goes grocery shopping.  She has controlled it ever since our relationship began.  I can go with her, but if I do it turns into an argument because I am not doing it the way she does or I distract her, among many other reasons.  So I gave up and decided if I have to do pretty much everything else, why not let her have this?  What could it hurt. 

Anyway, she wasn't awake yet and I wanted to get it out of the way.  I was still a little peeved from last weekend when she made me do the entire menu/grocery list by myself - only later to have an argument over who forgot the potatoes.  If you are going to scrutinize the list prior to every grocery trip (since I obviously habitually forget items), maybe you should have found my error dear?  Of course I am the one accused of forgetting them because I didn't add them to the list!  Nope, no proof.

Funny enough, I didn't even call to tell her she forgot them in the first place!  I simply asked her where they were - thinking that she put them somewhere or I am blind and can't find them in the pantry.  Oh no, she takes it as me blaming her for forgetting them.  I remember specifically asking her, "Can we not play the blame game?  I just want to know if we have them and if not, I'll figure something else out."

Mrs. Perfection doesn't forget something like that...I decide to keep up with the "medium chill" method and tried to let it go.

Anyway, I feel that I am bored with the current menu so I hunt around online for some new healthy recipes that are quick and easy.  I figure if I have to decide the menu and cook, it might as well be something I look forward to, instead of the same options repeated.  I fill in most of the days with what I thought my family would eat but got stuck on deciding the menu option for Monday. 

By this time, she is awake, drinking coffee, and getting ready to go shopping.  Since I was stuck, I decided to go ask her if she had any dinner ideas.  I walk into her bedroom (we sleep in separate rooms now) and ask if she's decent.  When she said yes I walked into the bathroom where she was getting ready and asked her for her opinion.  She basically said, "Sorry, I don't have any ideas." 

I got frustrated and left.  I was annoyed.  This is one of many times where she doesn't have an opinion and truly does not care, has an opinion but doesn't offer it up and I am punished for not reading her mind, or voices her opinion after the fact when I decide I am frustrated and make the decision for her and it ends up being the wrong one.  I really didn't want to wait on what punishment option she was going to use on me so I walked away and tried to stay away from her.

Commence the scrutinizing of the list!  I am still peeved, so I go into my room and start getting ready.  Obviously it is going to be a rough day for me so I feel like I need to leave.  While I am trying to change, she comes into the living room (connected to my room) and says those chilling words, "Mehi5?"  Dang it, here we go.  She wants to know what kind of onion I want.

After 7 years, she STILL doesn't know what kind of onion to get?  I make a loud comment about her inability to pick a simple meal and to finish the list by herself.  She leaves frustrated. 

Five minutes later, I am dressed and almost out the door.  I am trying to rush because I can feel it in the air.  Something is not right.  I am grabbing my wallet, my keys...."Mehi5?"  The tone of her voice is angry, irritated.  I cringe, stomach drops, pulse raises, and in the back of my head I say, "Here we go."

She is asking about that dang list again.  I'm seeing red by this time.  I didn't even hear what she asked me.  Now I know FOR SURE she is being passive-aggressive.  Hoovering from a distance, not wanting me to leave, controlling me.  She is playing helpless to keep me at home.  I start to feel trapped.  Man, it rubs me the wrong way.  I make another loud comment about me having to hold her hand through a task that she has been doing for years.  She asks me to lower my voice, I ask her to leave.

Big mistake.  The next thing I remember is she is blowing up at me because I haven't made it a point to "communicate about our issues" over the last few weeks.  She basically said I knew she needed to talk.  Why didn't I read her mind.  How can I pretend that nothing is wrong.  I don't know how hard all of this has been on her.  I am acting like everything is fine.  I don't love her, yada yada.

I'm stunned.  How can we go from the store list to all of these other issues in less than 5 minutes?

She asked why I was dressed and I told her I am about to leave unless she is going to leave first.  I knew we needed to separate from each other so as to prevent another knock down drag out fight.  I have been proud of myself for setting boundaries and controlling my anger.  I didn't want to relapse.  I know the kids already heard her screaming at me and my loud comments about her inability to finish a list.  I raised my voice (again) and I know that if I don't leave, I may lose complete control and say/do something I would regret.  She told me in a very snotty voice not to worry about it that she would be leaving soon.  She went into her room and I went into mine.

I waited....and waited...and waited...huh?

I knock on her bedroom door.  She tells me to come in.  She is sitting on the side of her bed, back toward me facing the wall.  Great, pity party.  I know that she is baiting me.  I open the door only wide enough to speak to her.  I was 100% sure I was not going in.  I simply said, "Put the dogs in their crate before you leave.  I'll be back in a couple of hours."  I shut the bedroom door quickly and almost sprinted out the front door.

Then I left and I wish that was the end of my story.   :sadno:

I decide I am going to venture to my favorite store to see if they have any twin bed sets for my bed and take a look at the end tables.  I spend a couple of hours in the store trying to justify to myself that I have a right to spend my own money on items I need to make me feel more comfortable with my current living situation.  It takes forever to convince myself that these things are necessary because I don't ever spend money on myself.  Plus, the current comforter I use is made of some silky material and I spend most nights pulling it off the floor when it slides off of me at night.  I don't have an end table for my small living room which prevents me from being able to have a beverage unless it's on the floor, where the dogs can spill it.  I know these issues may seem small to people reading this, but this is the thought process I have to go through after years of her controlling our finances.

I am on my way home now with my new comforter and end table.  I am crossing my fingers that she is not home yet so I can bring them in without any crossed looks or remarks.  I already feel guilty about spending money I should be saving and I didn't want to perpetuate the problem with her judgments.  I pull into our neighborhood and am met with relief, she isn't home. 

I make a plan to finish dinner early because she is partly correct in her assumptions of me not wanting to communicate with her.  I have been avoiding it like the plague because I know nothing good is going to come of it.  However, because I care about her, and she obviously has something to say to me, I will make myself available after dinner.  I know it is inevitable so why put it off any longer?

She comes home while I am in the middle of grilling chicken.  I continue with dinner and manage to ignore her rude comments and smart remarks as she is putting groceries away.  I wonder if my idea to talk was a good one because she hasn't gotten over the anger yet.  I am nervous and scared at this point. 

I finish dinner which she decides to eat at the table.  This is uncharacteristic of her as we eat in the living room 90% of the time.  I make my plate and eat in the usual spot.  I am not sure what to make of her seating choice so I chalk it up to her wanting to sit and eat with the kids.  I know this is not correct, but I wanted to believe it.

After dinner she cleans up the kitchen.  I stay in the living room waiting on her to finish so I can tell her that I am willing to sit down and talk if she is.  That's when she decides to clean out her car.  I wait about a half hour for her to finish but she is still out there cleaning away.  I decide that I am tired of waiting on her.  I have errands too and if she really wanted to talk she would have taken advantage of it.  Why did I have to mention the obvious?  It seemed as if this were nothing more than a power play.  Chew me up and spit me out for not going out of my way to communicate but when given an opportunity she rejected it because it was not on her terms.  I decide to run some errands to kill some time.  At this point, I am frustrated.

I have a desk to take to storage so I pull it out, take it outside, and load it up in the truck.  I ask her where that piece of paper was that had the code on it to get into storage.  She told me very rudely that my mother is the one that has the piece of paper and then proceeded to ramble off a 4 digit code and the 4 digit unit number but I would have to hit star first and pound later but she isn't sure what order it goes in.  Huh?  Ok I need to write this down.  I open my phone to make a note entry and asked her to tell me again.  I get the same rude response.  I am upset because she knows exactly what the code is.  She is not the type of person to forget something like that.  She is playing a game with me.  I hate that things have to be so difficult when all I really want is to drop the desk off at storage!

She asked me, "What is your problem?"

I said, "You."

I closed the doors to her car which were conveniently in my way, got in my truck, and quickly left as she was rambling.  I didn't want to wait around for this to escalate, I was already upset, and I knew I was boiling. 

I get about a block away from the storage unit when my stomach drops.  Dang it, I don't have a key.  Now I am frustrated, scared to go back, and wondering why she didn't give me the key when she knew where I was going.  There are only two keys.  She has one and my mother has one (my mother no longer lives with us).  Gosh this is so dang difficult!  I pull up to the driveway, truck still running, and get out... 

I am so angry at this point that I tell her, "You could have given me the key before I left.  You knew where I was going!" 

Her reply:  "You didn't ask for the key, you asked for the code which is what I gave you."

I blow off her response.  She validated that she was playing games with me so I decide at this point to let it go or there will be consequences.

She hands me her entire set of keys and shows me that it's the red one.  I take it and begin to take it off of the key set.  Why?  Because there are so many keys and trinkets on her key set.  It's big and bulky and I didn't want to carry them around.  I only needed the one key, not all of them. 

(In hind site, if I had taken her entire set of keys, what was to come later would have never happened)

She tries to grab the key set from me.  I pull back.  The storage unit key rips off the ring.  She ends up with her keys in her hand and I end up with the storage unit key in my hand.

Her:  "What are you doing?  I don't want you to take it off!"

Me:  "I just want this key, I'll bring it back."

Her:  "No!  The storage unit is in my name and I have had the key since day 1!  Give it back!"

(Key rips off key set)

I walk off with the key to get into the truck.  I just want to drop the stupid desk off at the stupid storage unit!!  I don't want to argue, I don't want to fight.  I just want to deal with the task at hand.  I'm not sure what she means when she made the comment about the storage unit being in her name and I didn't want to stick around to fuel her fire.  I was obviously angry and nothing good was about to happen.  I just wanted to leave, so I did...

As I was getting into the truck, I heard it:

Her:  "You f***ing c*nt!  You'll regret this!"

Me:  Said nothing, drove off, too stunned to react.  I remember feeling sick to my stomach.

I drove to the storage unit, entered the code(s) and dropped off the desk.  I needed to process what just happened, and cool off so I decide to take a drive to the store to buy a soda before I decide what to do next.  I sure as heck wasn't going to go home after what just happened!

Not ten minutes passes and my phone rings.  I knew it was her.  Why?  Because she is the only person who calls me anymore.  I allowed her to control my phone for years and my family still doesn't trust that I am on the other end ever since she ridiculed my mother for a text she sent in confidence to my phone.  When paranoid, she checks the phone bill and picks a fight.

Me:  "Hello."

Her:  "I'm at the storage unit.  I need you to bring me the key so I can get my stuff out.  Bye."

Me:  She hung up before I could respond.  I am freaking out at this point.  She has really gone off the deep end.  I know she is trying to control me.  I am not equipped to handle her.  I don't know what to do.  I panic because I am stuck and she knows it.  The storage unit is in her name.  She knows that I have to take the key to her.  I know the part about getting her stuff out is a form of manipulation because she has a car and there are large items in there that belong to her (a queen bed frame/mattress/etc.).  I am not sure what kind of game she is playing but I have a 5 minute trip to figure it out!!! 

I pull up behind her at our storage unit and keep the truck running.  I know I may need to escape depending on how this goes.  I am frozen.  I cannot find the strength to get out of the truck.  I keep telling myself that I need to pull myself together.  I need to be strong, seem confident.  I am stalling.  I fear that this will be one of those times where she will lose it in public.  I don't want that to happen.  It is so embarrassing and I don't know how to diffuse her.  She will make sure everyone within ear shot can hear her. 

She gets out of her car and heads toward me.  I could literally pee my pants right now.  She doesn't ask for the key, she just looks at me and stops walking when she makes it to my window.

Her:  "We need to talk.  [I wouldn't be like this]...if you would just communicate with me!"

Me:  "I'm not going to talk to you here."  I don't know how or where I found it, but here comes confidence!

Me:  "I am not going to talk to you when you're like this.  I am not sure how you plan on getting your bed out with the car, but here's the key."

She wouldn't take it.  She pulled both her hands toward her as if she never wanted the key in the first place.  I was shaking as I managed to slide it between her wrist and her watch.  I was only complying to bring her what she asked for.  Nothing more.  I needed to give it to her and run away as fast as possible.

Her:  "This is ridiculous!"

Me:  "I am not going to talk to you until you calm down."

At this point I put the truck in reverse and am backing out of the storage unit to the exit.

Her (at the top of her lungs):  "You know, one of these days you're going to do something that you're going to regret!"

Me (as I am driving away):  "I am not going to talk to you when you are out of your mind."

I drive off headed for who cares - just drive!  Confused, scared, shocked, can't seem to fully digest what just happened.  SO happy I made it out of there without a real scene.  I escaped with minimal embarrassment.  I feel like I had a small victory when I surprised myself with confidence.  In the past I would give in and gave her what she wanted no matter where we were.  That would have resulted in childish acts, yelling, not letting me leave, following me, etc.

I decide to find a place to collect my thoughts.  I try some breathing techniques, put her words out of my mind for a moment, and try to regain my composure.  Once calm, I decide to go back home where I would spend the rest of the night hiding in my living room.  I noticed as I pulled into the driveway that she wasn't home.  I quickly went to the bathroom (so glad I made it), grabbed a drink, and shut the doors behind me.  I needed to vegetate for a few hours before I tried to wrap my head around the horror of what just happened.

I wish this is where the story ended.   :sadno:

I decided to watch a classic movie.  Anything to prevent me from thinking about the events that occurred throughout the day.  Plus I wanted to watch a show where I didn't have to think about the plot.  I felt numb and just wanted a break.  About half an hour into the movie, the front door opened.  My heart starts racing, stomach drops and I think, "Oh great, she's home."  I knew the way I left her that it wasn't over.  She had lost control and I didn't give her what she wanted.  I had only hoped to get a much needed break and I knew she would be hoovering soon.

It's about 8 o'clock now.  This started around 10 that morning.  It only took her a few minutes to barge into the living room and say, "We need to talk."  I needed more time so I told her that it would have to wait until the kids go to bed at 9.  She left.

About 10-15 minutes later there was a knock at the door.  I thought it was one of the kids.  Why would she be knocking when I specifically told her to wait until the kids go to bed?

Me:  "Come in."

A bunch of thoughts were racing through my mind when I saw it was her.  I was sick to my stomach just looking at her.  I really wasn't ready for this.  Would I really have to leave tonight?  I was so tired I really didn't feel like going anywhere.  Seems like she is pushing me to leave.  Let me see where this is going before I jump up and leave.

Her:  "Hey, I just wanted to say how sorry I was to have called you that name.  I know it was wrong.  I was just angry."

Me:  "Your apology doesn't mean anything to me.  If you didn't mean it you shouldn't have said it, angry or not.  Nobody has a right to use that kind of language.  I'm not surprised though, since a few weeks ago you also called me a b**ch and never apologized.  Did you think I didn't hear it?  I'd like to congratulate you on being the first one in my life to call me that horrible name.  Apology not accepted.  I thought I told you to wait until the kids go to bed?  I'm not going to get into it with you right now."

She exits the living room and shuts the doors.

It's now 9 pm.  I have said my good-nights to the kids and they are now in bed.  Dang it, why did the time fly by so fast?

I wait....and wait...and wait...

By this time I have to use the bathroom so I decide to exit my living room and see what she's up to.  I told her we could talk around 9 and since it's almost 9:30, I wondered why she wasn't coming in.  Did she really expect me to find her?

I walk out to find her on her stupid laptop.  This is nothing new.  She works more than anyone I've ever met, even when she doesn't have to.  Always with excuses as to why it's necessary.  Even when it's my busy season at work, she finds some reason as to why she is busier than me.  I am now frustrated. 

Me:  "Did you want to talk or what?  It's after 9 already."

Her:  "Yeah, where are we doing it."

Me:  "I'm not talking to you out here in the open.  If you want to talk you can meet me in my living room."

My take on what she said:  She doesn't see how I am fine with all of this.  Every night when she goes to bed she is reminded of how much wrong she has done since I am not next to her in bed.  It is possible for someone to do all of the hurtful things she has done without having a PD.  She feels like it wasn't her who did these things to me.  That she didn't know what she was thinking until the damage was done.  She can't apologize to me because I won't accept it.  She feels like she has to ask me for my opinion on everything because I seem to always get upset over every little thing.  It's hard for her to make a decision because she feels like it is always the wrong one.  She knows deep down I love her and pressed me to admit it.  She doesn't want to change unless there is a possibility of us being together in the future.  She needs to hear from me that there is a chance I could actually forgive her or "none of this even matters."  She can't fathom the idea of me moving on with someone else and starting a family.  It makes her sick to her stomach when she sees the mess she has created and she doesn't know how to make it right.  She does feel sorry for hurting me she doesn't know how to show it.  She feels like nobody can know that she feels guilty.  She punishes herself enough for the both of us.

My reply:  I am forced to act like I am fine because I have to be the adult here.  I chose to move out of the bedroom and end our relationship because it was the adult thing to do.  If I act upset your immediate response is to find something to get angry about in return.  You attack first and ask questions later.  Or worse you make up an excuse to justify your behavior, mostly by blaming me.  If I didn't make a change this would have escalated even more than it has.  I have to be strong to protect myself and to set an example for the kids.  It sure seemed like it was you who has hurt me over and over all these years.  It is hard to forgive someone for a mistake that is repeated over and over again, when you blame me for something you did, make up an excuse, or pretend it didn't happen.  At some point, enough is enough.  I do care about you but I am not in love with you.  I am not here because of you.  I am here to save money and offer support for the kids.  I can't predict the future but you need to show me that you can control yourself for 6-12 months before I ever consider being with you.  Even then there is no guarantee due to the damage you have caused.  I think you should work on yourself before thinking about me as I am doing the same.  If you think I can just move out and move on after the damage you have caused me emotionally then you are even crazier than I thought.  I will need many months in therapy to deal with the pain and suffering you have caused me and my family.  I suggest that you be more careful because I will not have another day like today.  You have a lot more to lose than I do.  If we have another day like today I will take my money, half of everything we own, and you will never see me again.  I suggest you think about that next time you lose control.  If I am not here for you to abuse, who do you think you will turn to next (implying that she will emotionally abuse the kids if she doesn't get help)?  I am not a therapist, but I know something is not right with you.  This is the worst relationship I have ever had.  You have hurt me more than any of my ex-relationships combined.  In fact, ever since I ended things, I have been questioning lots of things that happened when we first got together.  I feel as  though I were lied to even then.  I couldn't see it because I was in the honey moon phase.  But I have a journal from years ago and all of the entries have the same themes.  What you are doing is nothing new, it is only an escalation of issues I over-looked from the beginning of our relationship.  You don't even know how to make me feel better or show empathy.  For years I have been dealing with my issues alone.  What's worse, is that I have to deal with you and my issue at the same time because you get angry when an event occurs in my life (uncle had stroke, she cheated on me, I almost died in hospital, grandmother passed, mother had a stroke).  Do you remember when i ended up in the hospital?  You and I argued because I wouldn't take the dogs out to potty.  I couldn't breathe!  But you didn't seem to care about me.  You made it all about you and how you were completely stressed out dealing with our responsibilities on your own.

This was the longest 3 hour circular conversation of my life.  Wash, rinse and repeat these words at least 3 times and that was how this played out.

She finally decided that it was late and she should go to bed.  Never mind that we both have to get up in a few short hours to go to work.  Never mind that it is my freakin busy season at work and I am stressed about that. 

I wish this is where the story ended.   :sadno:

I'm so completely stressed out at this point no matter how tired I am I know I won't be able to sleep if I try to go to bed.  I decide to finish the movie I was watching in hopes it would help me to forget what just happened.  While I am watching the movie I hear this uncontrollable sobbing in the back ground.  I give her a few minutes to get herself under control.  When she kept at it, I come out of my living room to see why she was in the kitchen and not in her bedroom.  I just knew she was trying to wake up the whole house, why else would she be in the common areas and not her bedroom?

Me:  "You need to calm down or take it to your bedroom.  You're going to wake up the kids!"

Her:  "It doesn't matter they know what is going on.  They aren't blind.  I'm upset and I can't help it. "

Me:  "I'm not going to give in to your pity party.  Calm down or take it to the bedroom."

Her:  "You know Mehi5, we have both done and said somethings to hurt each other...."

Me (cutting her off):  "Yeah, ok."

I quickly exit the room so as to not take the bait.  I really didn't want to engage.  The whole point of me being out there was to make sure the kids weren't affected by her incessant sobbing.  I resume my movie without any more sobbing.

When the movie ended, I went through my usual bedtime routine (teeth brushing, etc.).  As I go to walk out of my living room, there she was standing there in the dark, right outside my door.

Me:  "Holy sh**!  You scared the cra* out of me!  What are you doing standing there?"

Her (hyperventilating at this point):  ""

I know she will not go away unless she says what she came there to say.  We go back into my living room and begin yet another discussion.  Before she can speak, I spend the next 30 minutes just keeping her from having a panic attack.  In the back of my mind I digest the fact that she is using tears to manipulate me.  I don't feel one ounce of empathy for her so it was easy to calm her down without upsetting myself.  Once she knew I wasn't going to coddle her - I remained on the other side of the living room the whole time - she finally started speaking.

I'm not going to go over the entire dialogue since it's not as important as the other events of the day.  She wanted to tell me about her childhood and said she just couldn't go on if I didn't tell her that there may be a chance we could work it out.  I was her soul mate and she couldn't deal with the pain of being 100% done.

I made no promises or guarantees.  I specifically told her that I can't predict the future.  I wasn't opposed to the idea but I am not saying it will happen one way or another.  She needs to get herself together before it is even a consideration.

That was enough to pacify her.  She FINALLY went to her room for the last time.  I was so exhausted by this point I wanted to pass out.  I had to be up in a couple of hours and wasn't sure I should even go to sleep.

As I was lying in my bed, a question came to mind:

Why am I so numb?

As I drifted off to sleep, I didn't feel anything except exhaustion.  I didn't feel pain, anger, hurt.  I felt nothing.  Then I wonder how far gone I really am.  To have such a horrific day and not feel a thing afterwards.  All I could think about was escaping.  At the store, the living room, my bedroom.  Once safe, I had no feelings.  Uh-oh.

Me:  Three days later, I am still numb.

Her:  Pretending nothing ever happened.



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Re: The never-ending story (literally)...
« Reply #1 on: October 04, 2016, 02:22:44 PM »
((((Hugs))))  How very painful....  I can relate.... I have so many similar situations that have happened over the years.



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Re: The never-ending story (literally)...
« Reply #2 on: October 04, 2016, 03:46:05 PM »
I have so many similar situations that have happened over the years.

Please do share.  I sometimes feel like nobody understands.  If you have stories, I would love to read them.  I appreciate your "hug."  It's been so very long since someone has actually hugged me, and meant it.

Things haven't gotten better, but they haven't gotten any worse.  I am currently reading Psychopath Free and find it very interesting.  I am not sure she is a psychopath but given that I installed a lock for my bedroom door, there is a part of me that wonders.  I convinced her to get tested for BPD.  We shall see....



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Re: The never-ending story (literally)...
« Reply #3 on: October 06, 2016, 08:38:03 PM »
So much of what you describe sounds familiar. The invisible tension that builds up to an inevitable storm. The fact that my uPDh chips away at my sanity a little bit at a time, until I finally crack, and I know it's happening but I feel powerless to stop it. The rages. The push pull swing between challenging and pleading, the invisible switch that turns everything into unrecognizable chaos...
 Just like you I became more and more detached. I am deaf to his pleading now. I've reached a point where I am committed to taking care of my mental health and the children's needs. Everything about him, everything between us is secondary to those priorities.



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Re: The never-ending story (literally)...
« Reply #4 on: October 31, 2016, 04:38:06 PM »
I have so many similar situations that have happened over the years.

Please do share.  I sometimes feel like nobody understands.  If you have stories, I would love to read them.  I appreciate your "hug."  It's been so very long since someone has actually hugged me, and meant it.

Things haven't gotten better, but they haven't gotten any worse.  I am currently reading Psychopath Free and find it very interesting.  I am not sure she is a psychopath but given that I installed a lock for my bedroom door, there is a part of me that wonders.  I convinced her to get tested for BPD.  We shall see....

Mehi5 - I've been thinking about you.  Are things getting any better?



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Re: The never-ending story (literally)...
« Reply #5 on: October 31, 2016, 07:23:41 PM »
Well, that is a loaded question but I am happy to oblige.  I absolutely appreciate your concern.  Other than my mother, nobody really knows what is going on which means they aren't inclined to ask me how I am doing.  It appears I have managed to isolate myself from the outside world.  I have been reading all of the posts here almost every day but haven't posted as it seems my situation is a very different situation than most and I am not sure if people will understand. 

Things have gotten better in that I am no longer subject to her abuse nor do I have a target on my back.  I have been working through depression and PTSD and have done many things to make my life more enjoyable.  Specifically, I have been journaling almost every day and forcing myself to get out of this toxic house and join the rest of the world.  I joined a local sports team, which has helped me to focus on something other than the emotional distress and panic attacks I have from time to time.  It still perplexes me that one single person can act a certain way or make a simple comment that sends me over the edge.   Like I am frozen in time and cannot function until it passes.  I have been going on long walks and bike rides when I have these panic attacks and it seems to make me feel better.  I have separated all of my finances and am giving her one month to get certain bills in her name and/or close joint accounts.  I have had trouble sleeping lately.  I will wake up in the middle of the night feeling like someone is standing over me or "poked" me awake.  I know it isn't happening because I still continue to lock my door every night before bed.  I am not sure why this is happening to me, but I wake up startled and have a difficult time going back to sleep and waking up in the mornings.  I hope when I finally move out of the house that it stops.  I have also been on a quest to make new friends though it is difficult to make new friends when I am at a crossroads in my life.  I am trying hard to prevent new friends from seeing the extra baggage I have acquired. 

I have been cordial to my ex-wife but have explained to her that any emotional attachment that either of us has, has officially ended.  I worry sometimes that she is going to get so angry and explode again when I tell her over and over that we can't be together because of the emotional damage she has caused.  So far so good but I am not sure how long it will last because she still thinks that once we both "get over this" that we can be together again.

As for her she appears to have it all together, but I know this is not the case.  She has done her best to hover me and does little things that she thinks will win me over, but I know better.  I am able to see these things for what they truly are.  I caught her stealing money from me and she continues to lie about random things which serve her no purpose.  She has stopped going to therapy once a week and now goes on average once or twice per month.  She has gone from working in her abandonment workbooks daily (given to her by her therapist) to once or twice per week.  Now that I am carefully monitoring her, I can see the regression.  She says that she will not ever treat me like that again, but unfortunately I lost all ability to trust her.  I have noticed her taking her anger out on the kids on days she is tired of acting like a decent human being.  It is truly eye opening to see that she actually has to work at being decent and that it doesn't come naturally like she let on in the beginning of our relationship.

My plan moving forward is to help my mother get her own place and keep saving money.  I am learning that I have to be patient to get what I want which is what I tell myself every day I wake up in this god forsaken house.  As soon as my mother is settled and I have enough money, I will be moving out.  I remind myself of all the nasty things she has done or said to me any time I second guess myself. 

On a positive note, while my personal life is in shambles, my professional life is looking up.  Apparently my hard work entitled me to a significant raise.  Of course I did not tell her because I don't want her to know I am making more money but also because she is the jealous type who doesn't know how to feel good for other people.  I don't want to feel like I am competing.  I also won a silver award at work, which pays me a significant bonus.  I plan on using the money to help my mother, then saving the rest of it for the day I can move out.  Again, I did not tell her this information because it is doubtful she would ever be happy for my success.  It is really sad that my mother is (was) the only one who I was able to share my happiness with.  Yet another reminder that she isn't the one for me.

I really appreciate you asking for an update.  I am not sure where I should post since I am kind of separated but not divorced.  I still live in the same house but am not as engaged as I used to be.  I am taking steps to move out but unfortunately my mother is first on the list and I am waiting on her and money.  She hasn't exactly abused me verbally/emotionally lately and I am struggling with triggers instead of her rage episodes.  I am not exactly emotionally stable but seem to be stronger than before.

I hope one day this will all be a distant memory.  Though nothing in life is a guarantee, I guarantee you that within the next year, I will be living on my own and on my way to healing!



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Re: The never-ending story (literally)...
« Reply #6 on: November 01, 2016, 03:42:59 PM »
Mehi5 -  {{{Hugs}}}

So glad to hear you are doing little things for yourself like journaling and joining a sports team!  Yay you!  I'm also glad to hear it's been calm for you lately with the ex.  Congrats on your raise and your award.  That has got to be a great booster to you getting recognition at work!  Keeping my fingers crossed that you have a smooth transition with all of this.  Thank you for the update!